Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up a...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Once upon a time, a man was saying...

"All my life, I've been afraid.

First I was afraid of my parents.

Then my teachers.

Then my Boss.

And finally of death."

Someone interrupted, " Why didn't you mention your wife?".

The man replied, " Because I am afraid, she is right here."

Once upon a time

Once upon a time a turtle went on its way to school, but when it got there, they already had gone out on vacation.

NOTE: I’m not native English speaker. Sorry about the posible mistakes.

Three (slightly drunk) men stumble upon a slide in the park.

After reading a plaque on the slide, the men figure out that whatever you say on the slide is what you slide into.

the first man slides down and yells “GOLD!” and falls into a chest full of gold coins.

the second man slides down and yells “BEER!” and falls into a box full of beer bottl...

Once upon a time in the Caribbean...

Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was...

When I was hiking in the woods I stumbled upon a beauty pageant jamboree.

It was pretty in tents.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

Once upon a time...

The Seven Dwarves were all taking a bath and feeling happy. Happy got out, so they all felt grumpy.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

What did the lazy algorithm say to the next iteration upon receiving an interim result?

Calc you later!

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n ...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

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Once upon a time, there was this little sparrow..

Once upon a time, there was this little sparrow, who while flying south for the winter froze solid, and fell to the ground. And to make matters worse, a cow crapped on him. But the manure was all warm and it defrosted him, so there he is, he's warm, he's happy to be alive, so he starts to sing. A hu...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

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Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she...

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a we...

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

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People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

Once upon....

....always a pawn

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple where the woman stayed at home while her husband traveled away for months as a truck driver. They always wanted a child, but they could never have it.

One day, she finally got pregnant. Beautiful! They were joyful although upset that once again the ...

What did the dog say to console his owner upon learning that his wife left him?

"Sorry buddy, that's

...RUFF!"

I passed by a roadside stand that said "lobster tails: $2"

So I stopped, paid my $2 and the man said,

"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

Once upon a time, there was a train driver.

He liked to drive his train very fast. One day, he got into a train crash, killing one person.

He goes to death row, and for his final meal he eats one banana.

They strap him up to the electric chair, smoke fills the room as he's zapped... but he's completely fine. The executioners dec...

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

When looking for a co star for Fast and the Furious the decided upon Vin Diesel..

..because of his full name: Vehicle Identification Number Diesel. It was a no brainer.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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An old and a young bull

were standing on a hill top beneath an old oak tree, looking down upon the herd.

The young bull, full of youthful exuberance says, "lets run down there and fuck one of those cows".

The old bull says, "lets walk down and fuck them all".

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

Three billionaires are out golfing together

Suddenly, a ringing sound is heard. The first of the three pulls an earpiece out of his pocket and takes a call. When finished, he brags to the others about how fancy it is.

After some time, another phone starts ringing. The second man starts talking seemingly into this air. When asked, he ex...

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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What do you call a ghost who thinks he can singlehandedly unload fear upon the face of the Earth?

Boo cocky

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

A woman has twins

and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. He...

A man is walking down a country road, and comes upon a mud puddle that covers the entire lane.

The lane is fenced in and the man must either walk through the puddle or turn back. As the man looks about for something to possibly bridge the puddle, he spies an old farmer on the other side of the fence.

The man hollers to farmer, “Hey farmer, how deep is this here puddle? I’ve a long ways...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

Car crash

Today I came upon a car crash. The female driver was hysterical. She kept screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind” I tried to calm her down and reassure her she was just in shock. I asked her “How many fingers do I have up?” “ She screamed even louder “ Oh my God, I’m paralyzed from the waist down too”

Once upon a time...

There was an old lady who found a genie lamp. The genie appeared and said "I will grant you 3 wishes"

For her 1st wish the old lady wished for 10 million dollars and ***poof*** 10 million dollars appeared in cash.

For her 2nd wish the old lady wished to be young again and ***poof*** s...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

3 blondes walking down a dirt road when they happen upon a set of tracks.

First blonde says, “I recognize these. They’re deer tracks.

Second says, “no you are wrong. They are moose tracks”

The third one then chimes in, “you both are wrong, they are clearly elk tracks!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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Two guys lost in the woods [NSFW]

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you.

The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”

The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’

The Great Whitfield County Mishap

A redneck sheriff in Whitfield County, Georgia comes upon an accident. The car is totaled, the driver has been decapitated, and his head is lying in on the side of the boulevard.

The sheriff gets out his notepad to document the accident. After detailing the rest of the scene, he gets to the h...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

George W. Bush's brand new Porsche is delivered to his home.

Upon inspecting it he turns to the delivery man and says, "Now lookie here son, there seems to be some sort of a mistake. This appears to be the 718. I ordered 911."

Three park rangers are walking together through a wintry forest when they come upon a tiny leprechaun, shivering in the cold.

The leprechaun asks the rangers for help escaping the snowy forest, and tells them that whoever can come up with the best and kindest way to transport him out of the forest, will be granted his pot of gold.

The first ranger offers him a limousine. “You will be in the lap of luxury as you are ...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.

He was dead within 2 minutes.

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

Man is crawling across the desert, dying of thirst

Suddenly he sees something in the distance, it looks like a well, he runs towards it.
Upon reaching it he exclaims WATER!!

And from the well he hears WHERE??

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

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The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

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A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion trapped in quicksand (nsfw)

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

Once upon a time...

My friends asked me, "what happens if you don't finish a joke?"





"Well," I told him

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em

Even if it's from behind

A rich man demanded to be buried with his money

Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of thi...

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once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

Once upon a time there was a boy with 1 left arm

Because the other arm was the right one

This is the third time I've read the policy upon posting jokes.

Ok Admin, i reddit already

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

French Number Story

I’ve got a story for you, and it’s a douze-y! Onze upon a time, I was served a meal. I took a few bites and my stomach felt a little strange. I said,”What the heck is dix?” Then I discovered the culprit: “Neuf more huit for me! I am sept on that. I have six eating wheat a long time ago, because my h...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

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Once upon a time there was a boy with a wooden eye...

At his high school dance he was standing with his friends, too nervous to ask any girls to dance. "I'm afraid they'll make fun of my wooden eye..." he said.

His friend pointed to a girl with a wooden leg standing by herself in the corner, and said, "Hey, see that girl with the wooden leg? ...

Once upon a time a boy asked a girl in a library

“Do you mind if I sit next to you” the girl shouts “I don’t want to spend the night with you “ everyone starts staring at him the boy feeling embarrassed sits at another table. A minute later the walks up to him and says “I study psychology you must feel embarrassed “ the boys shouts “ $300 dollars ...

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Was browsing the channel guide and stumbled upon a show called POV Shorts on PBS

I had to put my dick away when I realized POV isn’t just a porn category

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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Once upon a midnight dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,

While I pron surfed,

Weak and weary,

Over many strange and spurious of ‘hot xxx galore’

While I clicked my fav’rite site,

Suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with a mourning,

Mourning for my dear amo...

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

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