Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is painstaking.

I followed my heart

and it lead me to the fridge

I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks.

Please I really need that heart transplant

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.

Terrible surgeon.

Home is Where the Heart is...

..And Other Confessions of a Murderer

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

My dad has the heart of a lion

Long story short he is no longer allowed in a zoo

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

Fifth one— Dead Sirius.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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[after Pumba suffers a fatal heart attack]

**Timon [sobbing]:** OH GOD WHYYYY??

**Simba:** hahaha hakuna matata buddy

**Timon:**

**Simba:** remember that? remember when you told me that? after my dad was fucking murdered?!

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

How many compliments does it take to get to a guy's heart?

You guys are getting compliments?

>!one every five years or so!<

She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.

He was dead within 2 minutes.

My Grandfather has the heart of a lion!

And a permanent ban from the San Diego Zoo.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of those.

Link: when I get hurt I lose hearts

**Sonic:** when I get hurt I drop rings

**Mario: *[self conscious about his height]*:** can-a we talk about-a something else-a?

Smile on the face, pain in the heart

If it ain't a heart attack, it will go away with a fart

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant

The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."

What do you call it when you go to jail because your heart stops working?

Cardiac arrest

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

I never knew my grandfather but I just learned he had a purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism does to your organs.

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Did you hear about the old man who died of a heart attack while having sex with his wife?

He died doing what he loved.

COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

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A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant~~

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.~~

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

T...

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a spade.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

But I think it'd be nice if God let everyone see him, regardless if you have a coronary blockage.

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

So my PE teacher asked me what's a sign that your heart made intense effort?

"A sharp pain in your left arm"

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

What do you call a light hearted romance movie staring a Senator from Utah?

A Romcomney

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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A teacher draws a heart on the board.

A teacher draws a heart on the board.


She then asks the class, "What is this?


To her surprise, nearly every student said some variation of "A butt." One even said "An ass!"


The teacher was not pleased to hear this and called the principal.


The pri...

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

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A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

‟What's up?” he says.

‟I'm having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, ‟Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's ...

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Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem

Unfortunately, while they're there, the wife has a heart attack and passes away. So the Rabbi, who the man hired to handle the procedures, told the man:
"Sir, i have two options for you.
You can have her cremated here in Jerusalem for $500.
Or, we can ship your wife back to the United Stat...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

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Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school.

Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She name...

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.

What does a pig do when it gets a heart attack?

it calls a hambulance

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

I gave up my dream of becoming an organ donor

I didn’t have the heart for it

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I have an old soul, the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child and the body of a stripper.

And that completes my basement collection of human body parts.

My father died of a fatal heart attack at a massage parlor last night

I’m told he came and went at the same time

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

Here I sit broken hearted

Saw that coming, joke departed

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Women always say they want a gift that comes from the heart...

But if you give them blood they freak out.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The funeral director explains to the President’s entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the funeral director and say they prefer to the return...

Whats the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

Is anybody here a doctor?

- Yes, I am
- He’s having a heart attack!
- I’m a doctor on Spanish philology
- But he’s going to die
- Pero el va a morir

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An old man and old woman...

...are living in a nursing home. They are both 90 and neither have been married before. They decide to tie the knot so they can comfort each other in their final years. The woman hides her heart condition from her suitor because she is afraid it may cause him to reconsider.

On their wedding ...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

Not a joke....

I'd like to thank everyone here in r/Jokes.
Everyday I get from here my share of laughing and making others laugh. I think having good mood is the most important thing in life. I find light for my heart and soul here, everyday.

Whenever some of you feel sad, just enter this sub and rememb...

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During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

They say the best way to a mans heart

They say the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I don’t know whoever “They” are but “they” know nothing about anatomy. I find the best way to a mans heart is with a quick jab up and under the ribs.

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Four doctors said

An Israeli doctor said, "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in six weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in four weeks he is loo...

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

I’m like a heart attack,

I get all the fat chicks.

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

‟What brings you before the gre...

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

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Husband came home and found her wife lying in the bed trying to catch her breath.

He asked her what was the problem.

She said, " My heart is racing. I think I am having a panic attack. Please call 911."

He went to call 911, when her little son told him that Uncle was hiding under the bed naked.

He immediately came to the room, looked under the bed and found ...

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

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A Marine rowing a boat in the Atlantic Saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS, MARINE CORPS!”

God looks down upon it and see’s this.
God says “Well surely he wants to die, and I’m an asshole so I’m kill him but in a really roundabout way.”
God snaps his fingers and the marines brain disappears.
The marine keeps rowing, saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS!”
Then God is like “What the fu...

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A man comes home from work early and finds his wife lying on the bed panting hard

"What's going?" he asks her?
"Er, I'm having chest pains", she replays, "so I decided to have a lie down."
He runs downstairs and quickly phones for an ambulance.
Whilst on the phone his youngest of 3 children pull his sleeve and says," Daddy, uncle John is naked in the wardrobe".
He qui...

A man saw a beautiful woman with her family, and to win her heart he decided he needed his friend's advice

A man approached his friend and said 'I met a fair maiden who I wish to try my hand at, but first I wish to sneak into her Father's Grace, any advice?'
His friend thought for a moment and then said, 'Try saying you'll take good care of her.'

And with that, the man left. He returned later t...

What four words would break Reddit's heart?

Mr. Rogers touched me.

A Daughter Melon and a Daddy Melon Are Having a Heart To Heart...

The daughter melon says "But daddy I love him! We're getting married!"

The daddy melon replies "Alright fine. But you can't elope!"

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

I was having heart surgery and the doctor said something before I went under

He said, “Don’t worry Dave it’s gonna be fine even though you haven’t done this before”

Suddenly concerned, I replied saying that my name was not in fact Dave

To which the doctor said, “oh, that’s actually my name”.

Saw this as a response to sometime on an aksreddit thread a w...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl

She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital ...

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