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Heart Jokes

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

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Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It’s fuckin’ in tents

Make her laugh and you’ll have her heart.

Unless she’s laughing at your bank account……

r/jjokes

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Heart Surgeon Joke

So a mechanic is talking to a heart surgeon he asks "we basically do the same thing in our lines of work you work on hearts i work on engines which is the heart of a car."

The heart surgeon agrees.

"So," the mechanic continues, "why do you get paid so much more than me?"

The hea...

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

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Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

There's an old saying that goes "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

So anyway I lost my surgical license today.

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised

Easiest way to a girls heart ?

endoscopy

The Heart Surgeon

There was this kid, he applied to the best hospital in his city. The interviewer said "youre grades are amazing, your teachers have written amazing letters of recommendations but I have to ask what are your weaknesses?"
the guy laughs and says "well i get real nervous under pressure, i tend to re...

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

Light-hearted religious joke

Jesus said unto John, "come forth and you shall receive eternal life.".... he came fifth and and won a toaster instead.

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research...

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

You can really see what's in a person's heart

when you look at them from the perspective of being a complex four dimensional human.

Heart surgeons can exclusively work from home

Since home is where the heart is

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What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

Who has the worst heart health in Congress?

George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

A heart attack?

Four guys are out playing golf when they come to a short par-3 hole. Two of them hit their tee shots onto the green, but the other two slice their tee shots way out into the woods. The two guys on the green sink their putts, and then they wait for their friends. And wait, and wait.

Finally...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

I make really good brownies, that's how I enter a girl's heart..

..through cholesterol.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?

You threaten to call an ambulance.

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

What is it called when a wrestler’s wife lets him screw anything his heart desires?

No holes barred

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

It is with a heavy heart that I want to announce

That I've been diagnosed with Cardiomegaly.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

which is why I love my father so much.

Man: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” Woman: “why?”

Man: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

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Lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man re...

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Man who received pig's heart has died.

He will be buried on Saturday and eaten later that night.

I was responding to another attorney's filing today but my heart wasn't in it.

You could say I was just going through the motions.

My heart says we are meant for eachother

My brain asks, are we really?

Zoo employee: "Sir! Stay where you are and let go of the penguin!"

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever.

We call those people cops around here.

I think my heart is trying to kill me.

It's clotting against me.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

Winning the hearts and minds of the people

An old CCP euphemism for organ harvesting.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

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My friend died of a heart attack while having sex with his wife

At least he died doing what he loved.

A woman with a rare heart condition walks into the doctor’s office

The doctor concludes that her heart is very weak and prescribes her a male pill that boost testosterone.

“This should strengthen your heart,” the doctor says. “Come by in a month or two to see me for a checkup.”

A month passes and the woman returns to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” sh...

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

A Daughter Melon and a Daddy Melon Are Having a Heart To Heart...

The daughter melon says "But daddy I love him! We're getting married!"

The daddy melon replies "Alright fine. But you can't elope!"

I had a heart attack at the age of 37

Doctor: It’s hereditary. With your family history, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently…

Doctor: but now you need to stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs…

Doctor: and you need to start exercising, and going jogging…

Doctor: and you need to change your diet. You ca...

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted. Tried to S*** but Only farted.

Until one day, I took a chance.
Tried to Fart, and S*** my Pants

When is the worst time to have a heart attack???

When you're playing charades nobody gonna help you

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.

But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!



(Edit: at least the headline is a true story...)

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the gree...

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

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What does a brain, a heart, a gut and a penis have in common?

You have to choose which one to listen to in a tough situation

How to easily reach a woman's heart?

By being a cardiac surgeon

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

Use "TOMATOES" to win a girl's heart?

I love you from my head TOMATOES.

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

I got my heart broken by a tennis player in high school.

Love means nothing to them.

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