My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

They say the best way to a mans heart

They say the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I don’t know whoever “They” are but “they” know nothing about anatomy. I find the best way to a mans heart is with a quick jab up and under the ribs.

My grandfather had the heart of a tiger

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

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During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

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I knew a guy who had a massive heart attack during sex

He came and went at the same time.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The funeral director explains to the President’s entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the funeral director and say they prefer to the return...

I was having heart surgery and the doctor said something before I went under

He said, “Don’t worry Dave it’s gonna be fine even though you haven’t done this before”

Suddenly concerned, I replied saying that my name was not in fact Dave

To which the doctor said, “oh, that’s actually my name”.

Saw this as a response to sometime on an aksreddit thread a w...

It was known that my grandfather had the heart of a lion

And was also banned from all zoos.

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

What four words would break Reddit's heart?

Mr. Rogers touched me.

Whats the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

A Daughter Melon and a Daddy Melon Are Having a Heart To Heart...

The daughter melon says "But daddy I love him! We're getting married!"

The daddy melon replies "Alright fine. But you can't elope!"

We are only a few weeks into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.

I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

I found that the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be light hearted.

The fifth one ——dead Sirius.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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A friend of mine had his heart beating fast when his GF touched his dick for the first time.

But it got faster when he touched hers

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned into butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

What makes a heart dance

You give it a beat

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

Who stole the heart of Massachusetts?

Nan took it. (Nantucket). Joke written by my 11 year old son.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

this is how to win a woman's heart



Me:

# Are you looking for a stud, because i already got the "STD"and all i need is "u".

A man is getting a heart transplant and wakes up during the procedure.

The man walks out and the doctor asks him what going on. The man says he got a change of heart.

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Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

Every time I eat cake I get heart burn...

I should probably take off the candles.

My heart is so full...

And now it's empty

And now it's full again

And now it's empty

And now it's full again

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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

Why is the heart such a strong muscle?

It's constantly pumping iron.

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

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Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

After starting the Lonely Hearts Club Band and getting honorably discharged, Sgt. Pepper did the one thing he always wanted to do...

Get a doctorate.

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Yeah, that’s arrhythmia.
You can die from that.

Some say I have the heart of a lion

Others say I’m banned from that zoo

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

On a ship, the best poems don’t come from the heart

they come from the head.

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

Someone told me the nicest thing today! They said "you have a big heart"

Which is weird because my doctor usually gives me BAD news.

An American man has a heart attack at his home

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and they ask her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed. The woman is hysterical. "Ho...

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A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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Princess and the frog.

A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibilit...

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Are my testicles black

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replie...

Who is heart

and why did they attack my grandparents?

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3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, The very next day,

Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.



Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands unti...

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

What do a gym rat and a heart have in common?

They both be pumpin iron 24/7

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Little Timmy was sitting on the front porch with his grandpa when he saw the man take a sip of whisky.

Little Timmy looked up at him and said “Hey, PopPop?”

The grandpa looked down at him and asked “What’s on your mind, boy?”

“May I please have a sip of that whisky”? He pleaded.

Thoughtfully, the aged man stroked his beard and asked “Well, can your dick touch your butthole”?
...

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Good Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..

"He...

Your mum is like a bra,

Close to your heart and there for support

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A guy died of heart attack a few hours after his wedding vows.

His wife wanted dick so bad that she cut the penis off her man's body, filled it with cement & hung it on the bedroom wall.

Every night she used to go to the wall & get herself satisfied.

A neighbour once came for condolences and noticed the thing hanging and realized what's go...

You ever heard of that one swimmer with heart problems?

I guess you can say he had bad backstrokes

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."

I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

What do Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump have in common?

They're both long overdue for a heart attack, but even the devil doesn't want them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconcepti...

The donor organ was going to be a bit late...

I was going to tell the patient, but I didn't have the heart to.

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a midnight dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,

While I pron surfed,

Weak and weary,

Over many strange and spurious of ‘hot xxx galore’

While I clicked my fav’rite site,

Suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with a mourning,

Mourning for my dear amo...

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

Pick up line.

Hey girl, are you an Aztec?
Cos you just stole my heart.

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