In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

What's the difference between the heart and the kidneys?

Please just answer. The nurses are looking at me like I'm crazy and my phone's almost out of battery.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades..

My wife keeps ignoring me, so I asked my friend what I should do to get through to her, and he said to listen to my heart.

I don’t think “beat” was the right choice.

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

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First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6....

I have the heart of a lion

It's a shame that the zoo won't let me back in though

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On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?

A cardiovirgin

Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

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So I got fired for eating chips at work, even though I’ve been stealing so many hearts of our customers.

Well fuck it, I hated being a casino croupier anyways.

A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

But I personally find it far more effective to go through his ribcage.

"I'm gonna steal her heart.."

Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.

The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

&#x200B;

The woman freed the frog, and the...

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Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

Did you hear about the girl who stole my heart?

The police placed her under cardiac arrest!

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IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his ca...

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Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

&#x200B;

He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

The heart shaped wreath at the funeral of a a cardiologist

makes one wonder for the funeral of a gynaecologist.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless?

it's Kanye West.

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

Man playing golf

A man was playing golf on a bright sunny day, he could see the hole in front of him and he decides to take a swing.

Unfortunately he misses and the ball lands in a bush so he decides to run over to find it. Whilst looking for the ball he finds a golden lamp, he notices that it is quite dirty...

Does a snowman have a heart?

Nope, just big balls

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.

One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"

No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.

Then a young man comes along, walks up to the ol...

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“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. “Give it a try,” said the heart,

"You're full of shit" said the bowels.

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.

The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

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Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It’s fuckin’ in tents

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I hate it when girls say "Please Don't Break my heart" right before sex

Now I have to explain to her that , my dick will not reach that far.

My wife said I'm young at heart.

Harvesting those organs really paid off.

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They say to win a girl’s heart, you need to make her laugh.

That’s why my first move is always a dick pic.

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

A man is in hospital, in need of a heart transplant

However, the decision weighs on his mind as he knows he has lived most of his life and thinks that there may be others who need the heart more than him.

Soon, night has fell but he still has not made a definite decision on whether or not he should take the heart, and still without an answer h...

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

I love Christmas, I have the heart of a small child

In a jar on my desk.

An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:

“Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:

“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

There was a heart association that wanted to come up with a name for their children's program

They sifted through many names through the years. They began with Hoops for Hearts, because kids like basketball, right? They took the idea to the bishop of the area (It was a Catholic program). The bishop wanted to change the name because he couldn't do that. They changed it to Jump ropes for Heart...

A man in the parking lot of a hospital had a heart attack, but someone leaving noticed and informed EMR via 9-1-1.

It was a close call.

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A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

My heart’s been having some problems...

Nevermind. It stopped.

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

Girl Is Going Into The Operation Theater For Her Heart Surgery.

Girl: “I am Having Heart Surgery Today.”

Boy: “Yes I Know, Don’t Worry Baby.”

Girl: “I Love You.”

Boy: “I Love You The Most.”

After The Surgery, Girl Wakes Up And The Only One Next To Her Is Her Father.

Girl: “Where Is He?”

Father (Surprised): “Don’t You Kno...

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

My dog kept growling at my girlfriend's toddler when he would punch him or pull his fur. It broke my heart to get rid of him

But now the problem is keeping the dog from digging him up.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

Woman often ask me "whats the quickest way into a mans heart?"

I often find a big knife does the trick

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

I didn't have the heart to tell the Jewish girl I met at the bar when she asked for my number...

I didn't have the heart to tell her we call each other by our names here

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond and by the end you want a club and a spade

My girlfriend of six years is a melon. She broke my heart when I proposed to her today.

She said, “I just cantaloupe with you.”

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

Did you hear about the sentimental cannibal?

He wears your heart on his sleeve

My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman...

...useless surgeon.

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

What kind of lie did the heart tell?

A fib

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

Sometimes there are people that come into your life suddenly, make your heart race, and change you forever....

and we call these people, 'the police'.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...