Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man dies and goes to hell.

"What's your name?" Asked the receptionist as he arrived

"My names Johnny," he replied

"Not this bitch again!" shouted the Devil, who overheard the conversation

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Once, a lawyer dies and goes to hell.

As usual.

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

Why don't people in hell ever ask questions?

It's best to just infer, no?

Two priests from different churches die and meet in hell

Priest 1: Why did you land here in hell?

Priest 2: Well, I was accused by St. Peters of cracking jokes during the service, so he sent me here. How about you?

Priest 1: Yeah, I too was accused of kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

St. Peter, looking for operational efficiencies, visits hell for a tour.

Satan takes him to an area with three massive cauldrons.

At the first, heavily guarded cauldron, St Peter asks, “Why so many guards”? Satan says, “This is where we boil the Germans. They are very good at helping each other to escape, so it needs a lot of attention.”

At the next, spars...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

When he arrives, he meets the devil, standing in front of three doors.

"What are these doors?" The man asks.

The devil tells him "Hell isn't so bad, you get to choose your accommodations. Behind these doors are your three options."

The man then asks to see behind each door, so h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Hitler is down in hell, sitting with some other terrible people...

Stalin: I wish I had more time up there, I feel like I could have done so much more.

Hitler: You know, if I could do it all again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Stalin: That's kind of fucked up...why would you kill a dog?

Hitler: See, I told you no one cares about the jews....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

Jeffrey Epstein went to hell

Jeffrey Epstein went to hell after his death and met the devil who told him what his punishment is going to be.

"You see these people lined up with boxing gloves? You will be made to spread your legs so that they can hit you below the belt. I am surprised many have volunteered. You must have ...

3 Guys died at a car crash and all went to hell.

One was American, the second was Chinese, and the third one was Mexican.

The devil then said, "If you survive my flaming whip, you can go to heaven."

The three guys accept the challenge

The devil then says, "Ok, you can put on anything as protection from the whip.

The Ame...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Jeffrey Epstein dies and goes to Hell.

Satan sees him at the gates.

Satan yells "Hey Jeff, how's it hanging?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the hell do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road "What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm Robbin!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking with his friends at a bar

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.

The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.

The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

Honestly, I’d rather be on the Highway to Hell

Cause there ain’t no way I’m climbing the Stairway to Heaven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

What if you died and went to hell

And then god told you that you can watch an ad or pay 50 gems to go to heaven.

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

The Difference Between Heaven And Hell

In Heaven ...

The British are the police
The French are the cooks
The Swiss are the government
The Italians are the lovers
The Germans are the mechanics

In Hell ...

The British are the cooks
The French are the government
The Swiss are the lovers
The It...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who the hell called them therapists

When they could have been called mental detectors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin and Hitler are in hell

Stalin: wanna here a joke

Hitler: sure

Stalin: Moscow

Hitler: I don’t get it

Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker

After 30 mins in the toilet, my mum asked, "Why the hell were you in there for so long?!"

I simply replied with,"Time flies when you're having fun."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell.

When he got there,he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Hell of a Headache

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have ...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who the hell decided farting in public wasn’t socially acceptable?

Must’ve been a real asshole.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What's this?

And the devil says: this pit ...

My Chiropractor is serious is as hell

But he always cracks me up.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.

The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing puffing and shuffling papers around a desk. Donny says he definitely doesn't want any of that.<...

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven

Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven or Hell?

A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but there were not many clues. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa, and another man sitting on the sofa and watching something on the TV. He walked over, said hello, and asked "Is thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell......

.....As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil

Satan: Why so glum?

Biker : Why do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Biker : Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”

So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was ...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

What's the difference between the Hells Angel's and a pack of (bi)cyclists?

One is a lawless gang of thugs, and the other's the Hells Angels

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?

Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”

God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.

God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

What's the first question they ask people in hell who died by hanging themselves?

Business or pleasure?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together

The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”

A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet.

They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.

His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.

The man replied, "Apparently it's called buffering."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

Why are there no toilets in Hell?

Because it is damnation without relief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs".

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter ...

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of t...

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?

Only people in the Woods’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a cab in Winnipeg and had a hell of a ride.

As we approached a red light the driver just gunned it right through the intersection???? Holy shit dude what the hell are you doing, I screamed at the driver.
No no it's fine he says,me and my brother whom is also a cab driver do this all the time all over the city.
I relax when I see all the...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me this one so i thought i share it here

A man, a lepricorn and an ostrich walk into a bar. They order their drinks and immediately the lepricorn starts saying im not paying for this, no fucking way am i paying for this, theirs no fucking way. The barman looks confused as the lepricorn continues to swear and the ostrich continues to give h...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

A very old joke called, "Why Worry?"

Why Worry?

In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, there's nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die.

If you get better, there's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was tha...

My friend asked me to go Bungee Jumping...

I told them "No, because a broken rubber brought me into this world, it sure as hell ain't taking me out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.

He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.

The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.

Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 buck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom...

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.