An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”

He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin and Hitler are in hell

Stalin: wanna here a joke

Hitler: sure

Stalin: Moscow

Hitler: I don’t get it

Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

Me in Heaven: Damn this place nice as hell

God: Nice as what?

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

Why are there no toilets in Hell?

Because it is damnation without relief.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?

Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”

God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.

God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin...

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

A Old Man Dies and Goes to Hell

So and old man lived a long long life. He was very religious and truly believed that he would go to heaven. When he dies he finds himself in hell. And he sees a buddy who died a few years before him. There's his old buddy with a young attractive girl (older than 18) on his lap. He looks at him and s...

If Satan ever loses his hair...

...there will be hell toupee.

My chiropractor is serious as hell

But he still cracks me up

People were asking how the hell Data is going to be in the new Picard series

I thought it was pretty obvious that Jean Luc would have an unlimited Data plan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my wife’s boobs “All” and “Hell”.

When she takes her bra off, all hell breaks lose.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him "Hey bud! Ya' know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!"
"Cool", says the man.
Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman lying naked, legs apart, on top of a building. He thinks, "this is my chance!" and swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls o...

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.

He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.

The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won...

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

A Cuban man dies and goes to Hell

There, the devil informs him that every country has its own hell. However, as he had dual citizenship, he could choose which Hell he wanted to be sent: American Hell or Cuban Hell.

He visits the American Hell first. At the door, he finds George Bush Senior.

“Excuse me, mr president, ...

3 men are sent to hell...

All of the men are like "Why am I in hell when Satan arrives


Satan: You will now come into my kingdom for eternal torture


Man 1: Wait, I didn't do anything bad during my life, isn't there some way I can get into heaven?


Satan: Well, If all of you three can withstand ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results from hell's annual evil dictators golf tournament:

Kim Jong Il took the win with no less than 7 aces, Stalin came a surprising second despite having borrowed Franz Ferdinand's driver, and chairman Mao's strategy of shooting for birdies proved quite disasterous, just barely scraping past Hitler who, as usual, spent most of the day in the bunker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

A Miami man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Miami.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then go...

"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, where the hell were you?" The drill sergeant said.

The private only replied, "Thank you sir."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

Jabbing the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

What's black and noisy as hell?

A crow on a drumset.

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission trip in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, th...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The devil is showing the new arrivals around hell

The devil shows them all the different torture devices, they use the crime the people committed on earth to sort them into which punishment they get.



They hear screams coming from behind a doorway. The devil opens it and shows them people getting killed over and over. "These are the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a European, and an Asian go to hell.

An american, a European, and an Asian go to hell. They meet the devil and he says ¨You will forever be in hell, but, if the three of your penises combined measure 50 cm or more, you shall receive one more chance, and return to Earth.

They agree, and they measure their penises.

American...

So a man from Arizona dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there he asks satan for a blanket.

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The devil greets him a days “I’m feeling mighty generous, so I’ll let you decide what you’re going to do for the next 1000 years.” After touring him through the torture chamber and lava pits they come to a grotesque man receiving a blowjob from a beautiful young woman. The man says “Oh yeah, now thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

People say "Heaven's No!" and "Hell Yeah!" but what is there 'maybe'?

Purghaps.

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

A guy dies and is sent to hell (hear me out on this one)

He meets the devil there, who presents to him three doors. He says that he can look into each room behind the doors and choose one to spend eternity in. The guys opens the first door and sees people standing in dirt up to their waists. In the second room he sees people standing in dirt up to their n...

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next...

Hell

A wife starts yelling at her husband.
"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT."
She continues
"YOURE AN IDIOT, I CANT STAND YOU. GET OUT GET OUT PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT. I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN."
Once the husband has packed his bags, he is on his way out, and just as h...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

What the hell man

A guy in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket

Well he can hide but he can’t run

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French,
All the wine...

A man dies and goes to hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once he reaches hell he learns that people go to hell depending on how many people hated them. He knows this because he murdered many people and was voted to be executed. He sees someone next to his apartment and says,"Hi what did you do to deserve being here?" The man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible t...

A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”

The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! De...

Three men go to hell

Three men go to hell and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.

The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer goes to hell...

Upset with the conditions in hell, the engineer decides to do something about it. The engineer adds running water to help keep the fires at down, creates an escalator and elevator system to help deal with all the stairs, adds central cooling to reduce the heat, and always continued to improve on the...

No Sir, I cannot "go to Hell"...

Satan still has a restraining order on me...

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with...

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

So Cerberus, the three-headed gatekeeper of hell...

Are we sure he wasn't just a normal dog with two subwoofers?

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.