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Healthcare Jokes

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

American healthcare is so bad...

that after a doctor's visit the insurance company has to send you an *explanation of benefits*.

German humor is like healthcare

Many Americans simply don't get it

American Healthcare

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Healthcare (freely translated from german)

A man really needs some vacation but can't afford any. So he decides to go to the psychiatry. He asks the doctor: "What do I have to do to stay here?" The doctor says: "We need to make a test of your menal health." He shows him a bathtub full of water. In front of it lies a spoon, a water glass and ...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

What's another word for affordable healthcare?

Unamerican.

Healthcare in America is just so outrageously expensive.

I mean... this diabetes is going to cost me an arm and a leg!

There's zero difference between US and European Healthcare....

...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

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Important Healthcare Information

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

2. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but...

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

In Soviet Russia healthcare is free

And you get what you pay for

--Yakov Smirnov

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

My healthcare is so bad...

...I can't even afford Dr. Pepper

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

I'm beginning to think I know more about healthcare than my doctor and his ignorance scares me.

He recommended radiotherapy even though I'm deaf.

American healthcare costs are out of a control

A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

Donald Trump has announced a new healthcare plan that's named after himself.

It's called DonT Care.

US Healthcare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

''Mrs. Sanders, please."

''Speaking."

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare....

Back in my day we just died

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What did the US healthcare system say to the people?

Go Fund Me

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My city is handing out free healthcare products to women,

Free tampons? No strings attached.

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

My main job is as a male nanny, but I don't get healthcare when I'm sick, I get spa days

It's because I need a Manicure!


^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^^actually ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^Nanny

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

The boomers' approach to healthcare is better than millennials'

Just compare the average age of death for both

Have you guys heard about the thieves stealing tires of healthcare workers cars?

Healthcare workers have been working tirelessly to fight the virus.

Off**

What do you call a healthcare worker that doesn’t self isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

Doctor doctor

2 doctors and an hmo manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St.Peter,"As a paediatric surgeon i saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says "As a psychiatrist,i have helped thousands of people to live bet...

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

Why do Canadians have free alphabet healthcare?

Because of all their sore E's

Why have U.S. healthcare providers embargoed the entire team behind the "The Land Before Time" movie series?

Because they don't cover pre-existing conditions.

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A couple goes to a sex therapist...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

Death.

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

A politician visits a small tribal community

At a town hall meeting, the politician confidently proclaims, "I promise to lower food prices for everyone!" Without missing a beat, the chief shouts, "Oompa!" and the crowd erupts in applause.

Feeling emboldened, the politician continues, "I assure you, affordable healthcare for all!" ...

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The president was touring a local hospital one day.

And as he’s going room to room, he sees a man furiously masterbating. He shockingly asks the doctor touting with him why this patient is doing this with the door wide open.

The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles refill so fast that if he doesn’t ejaculate every hou...

Read the news that some Charles finally got his crown at the age of 78.

With such a long waiting list in the NHS, these Brits have the audacity to criticize the american healthcare..

Let me just say that I'll NEVER vaccinate myself or my children!

I'll rather have a healthcare worker do that.

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

So this is where people share jokes huh? I got one....

American healthcare system

OECD: Wanna hear a joke?

USA: OK

OECD: Universal Healthcare

USA: I don't get it

OECD: You're **never** gonna get it!

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

The military will save money by drafting young adults

And letting them pay for wartime wounds with their own healthcare.

I call my toilet the oval office..

It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.

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I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Donald Trump does not tell lies.

He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan.

He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt.

Yo mama's so fat...

Yo mama's so fat that she costs taxpayers millions of dollars each year because she's part of the demographic that negatively affects the costs of healthcare and health insurance in America!

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

Maybe Space Force is part of Trump’s plan to find...

Universal healthcare.

Roseanne perfectly represents the reality of American life

100 million dollars in the bank and still worrying about how to afford healthcare

Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's the best plan healthcare.gov could offer me.

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

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Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

Scientists develop the world's most intelligent supercomputer.

After years of hard work an army of scientists, programers and mathematicians have succeeded in developing the world's most intelligent supercomputer. This computer, with enough time can answer any question. The scientists go about asking it questions which significantly impact the world. Many quest...

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