UPJOKE
temperaturewarmththermodynamicsheat upenergyoverheatworkheatingreheatpreheatcoldscaldpassionjouleignite

Which is faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

I asked him to heat up the Vietnamese soup...

and he immediately left the house and came back 20 minutes later with a Fajita!

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

Dogs in Heat

Her dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found ...

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it."

Would you consider shagging it for $500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.


3rd, i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

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Me and my wife got into a heated argument best she found out I was visiting prostitutes for sex.

I told her she couldn’t blame me she would hardly ever give it up.

She said that it’s my own fault I never told her I was willing to pay for it.

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A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it...

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

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When their argument got heated, what did the big turd say to the little turd?

>!”listen here you little shit!”!<

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things w...

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Heated Argument

A General, a Colonel and a Major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The General maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The Colonel said it was 75% work and 25% fun. The major thought it was 90% work and 10% fun.

At the height of the argument, a Private appeared at th...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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The heat

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest...

Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows?

To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

Man says to wife

Man: I'm going down the pub get your coat on.

Wife: ooooooh am I coming?

Man: No I'm turning the heating off.

The Train

A few months ago, my wife and I were taking a nice walk down an old dirt road during the heat of the summer day. All of a sudden, I stopped and looked around. My wife was a little hesitant as to what I was doing. I slowly moved towards the railroad tracks ahead of us and knelt down, putting my han...

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Physics exam…

My english is not the best but i hope yall understand:

20 Students had their final physics exam. There was one teacher in a room where he tested them each with one question that was always the same.

So the first student walks into the room and the teacher asks him: Youre in a Train and...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

What do you call an amoeba that heats things up?

A microbe-wave

Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?

Because rear defroster was already taken.

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Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

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A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

What freezes when you heat it up?

Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

How much did it cost the Miami Heat to lose their spot in the 2021 NBA playoffs?

10-15 Bucks.

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

Why should you never upset your oven

It might get too heated

True story… three days into the pnw heatwave I overheard a coworker and his client talking about how they were dealing with the heat…

Client: “I had to spend the last three days at my girlfriends apartment” Coworker: “Oh, does she have air conditioning” Client: “No… Only Fans.”

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

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Argument in the Israeli parliament.

The Israeli parliament, called the Knesset, is known for its often heated and passionate debates.

One day, during a particularly vicious debate, a highly frustrated lawmaker strode to the rostrum and banged his fist down and screamed, "Half the people here are bastards!" He then angrily went ...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

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I’in the heat of the moment, I told my girlfriend she sucked at blowjobs!

And she responded “That’s the whole point idiot”.

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Redneck Dog in Heat

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One beer led to another, and soon a cop came in and said, "Is that your dog outside?" "Sure is," said the redneck. "Well, I want you to know she's in ...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

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Slept with a bitch in heat last night. She somehow managed to make the entire bed hers, and even had the gall to demand breakfast first thing in the morning.

Really annoying when no one is at home so I have to take care of the dog.

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I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.

"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.

"Of course," she grinned.

"Nice," I replied, handing her my keys. "Just let the dog out for a shit, please."

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.

He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids. ...

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Urn," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat
that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't know what good it's going to do,"
the boy replied. ''The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands

He walks over to the Monk and says “how did you do that?” The monk replies “with enough training you can do things that appear impossible, what is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA” the monk re...

The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

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A Japanese guy and Mexican guy get into an argument

Things start getting really heated and the Mexican guy says "Let's take this outside !!!" The Japanese guy says "Let's go, but I'll warn you, I know Judo !!!" The Mexican guy says "O ya, well I know Mexican Judo." The Japanese guy looks confused and says "What the hell is Mexican Judo ?!?" The Mexic...

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I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

What do you call your mothers sister when she takes the heat when your mothers mad at you?

Coolant

Driving home my wife asked if the heated seats were broken.

I told her I turned them on for dinner asked what temperature she preheated to. She didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

Why did the macbook heat up?

Because it doesn’t have windows.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

A scientist is testing a robot that he has just built, and takes him to a baseball game to test his awareness without the robot’s eyes working.

They arrive at the game and take their seats. The home team, the Boston Red Sox is losing the game 2 runs to nothing to New York. The scientist leans over and says to the robot “Run down: 2, New York” The robot takes this as a command and quickly runs to New York from Boston, arriving back just befo...

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I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

What did the Czechs use to heat their home before Communism?

Electricity

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

If you can't take the heat of my dad jokes

Get out of my grill.

Two Eskimos

sitting in a kayak and were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.
Proving, once and for all, that you can’t have your Kayak and heat it too.

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During a heated argument, I cussed at my son, calling him 'A SON OF A BITCH', and he replied with 'HELL YES I AM'

Jokes on him, because he was adopted.

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You never told me about that hot date...

A man comes home to see his roommate sitting in the dining room drinking coffee.

"Hey man, you never told me about that hot date you had a little while back! What happened?"

The man suddenly bursts out crying and runs off to his room slamming the door behind him.

The roommate th...

My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart

He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan

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My wife and I got into a heated row.

"I get it," I declared. "You think I'm an arsehole."

"No, I don't," she said. "Because arsehole's have a purpose."

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

When the heat turns down,we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

Air is quite a poor conductor of heat...

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

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