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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

Most people are blaming FIFA for awarding Qatar the 2022 World Cup because of the Extreme Heat.

Well I am not worried about it because of the fans.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

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As Jesus was traversing a vast expanse of sand and heat he came across a homosexual, dying from thirst.

As the son of god Jesus pitied the man, saved his life, and offered to lead him out if this forsaken land. Gladly the man agreed to follow him out of the desert.

Soon Jesus came across a tortoise that had fallen on it's back. As he bent down to help this poor creature the gay man, who had no...

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

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When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

Air is quite a poor conductor of heat...

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave.

They should always be Luke warm.

Due to extreme heat, I experienced a brownout last night.

I knew I shouldn't have tried that ghost pepper sauce.

A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate a...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

What do you use to heat food and to greet people with dwarfism?

A microwave

Why did everyone in the Apple store die of heat stroke

They didn't want to install windows

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told h...

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What does a dog in heat say?

"Bitch, please."

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A redneck's dog is in heat and he walks in to a bar...

He ties the dog up to a tree outside. A police officer walks by noticing the dog is in its period and wants to be free to mate with other dogs.

The police officer then walks in to the bar and find's the dog's owner. He says to the man, "Your dog is tied up outside and she's in heat?" being no...

Little Tommy goes to his mom...

Little Tommy goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk?”

His mom replies, “Not now, Tommy. She’s in heat.”

“What’s heat?” he asks.

“Your dad’s in the garage. Go ask him.”

Tommy finds his dad in the garage. He says, “Dad, I wanna take Daisy for a walk b...

HEAT SETTINGS

I'm happy any time I'm out of my apartment here in New York. Because, no matter what the season is, I have no control over the heat. Apparently, there's two settings: off and Kenya. And 'off' is broken right now.

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

Damn This Summer Heat!

It's so hot, when I took water out of the refrigerator, the goddamn bottle started sweating!

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:

​

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their...

Dog in heat

Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the ...

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Three brothers have been traveling in a desert

The heat was too intense, if they didn’t find shelter immediately they would die

All of a sudden the first brother, the oldest, finds a lamp. Without hesitation he rubs it only for a genie to appear moments later

The genies shouts, “Ah! I awaken once more! You three men shall each get ...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

Dog in heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad...

Heat or cold

Which one travels faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Why did the pig go out to sunbathe?

It was bacon in the heat.

​

(my son's joke... he has a bunch)

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How is a frying pan similar to a vagina?

You gotta heat things up first before you slap the meat to it.

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

My friend told me this...

He said: Guess what?

I said: What

He replies: You know how heat expands things

I reply: Yeah

He then says: I'm not fat, I'm hot

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Doing the Boss a Favor

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn't caused by excess heat

After all, it's not the heat, it's the humanity.

Wanna have an exciting night ?

A girl brings a guy home from the club.
Before they enter the house she mentions

Hope it's ok that I live at home with the family...

Yeah it's fine says the guy

They start to kiss and as thing start to heat up the girl says :

Oh BTW did I mention that my father is i...

What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

"Firetruck"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cowboy

So it's the days of the old west. A cattle drive has ended in St. Louis, and a cowboy comes into a fancy restaurant. He's dirty, he's hungry, and he's tired.

The restaurant is crowded; the only seat available is next to a very wealthy, very proper woman with lots of jewelry and her nose in t...

Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Rhinoceros in heat?

Horny.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

One day, a man was watching a movie with his girlfriend at his house

A man decided to take his girlfriend back to his house after a date.

She had never been to his home before, and things were getting steamy during the movie.

Just as things were starting to heat up, the couple heard a scratching noise and the man was getting visibly annoyed.

The...

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

It’s basically just intolerable heat, two palms, no dates and lots of emptiness.

(OC)

TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous

WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

Why don't Antifa like the desert?

The heat is oppressive.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly

collections from all the private businesses that they were ' protecting ' . Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deafperson for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn ' t be able tocommunicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collect...

A one-liner a came up with.

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Discussing my new-found kink has been rough

It turns out the only thing I am sexually attracted to is final scene from the movie Heat. I've tried to talk to my friends about it



But nobody wants to hear how I came to that conclusion.

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps.

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

I asked my dad a few summers ago why he planted a tree in our backyard

With the summer heat practically grilling everyone, he seemed to be fine under the shade of our roof

My father responded, “You’ll understand why I planted it eventually”

Years later, as the tree grew much larger, it provided shade for everyone

Now I understand it was foreshadow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains

He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.

He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, ...

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you k...

The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.



...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

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A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the wh...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

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A man and a hooker are hanging out

They were talking and having drinks and after a while things started to heat up between the two.

The hooker says

“put your finger in it”

The man does but she doesn’t seem satisfied. so she tells him to put another finger in and it still wasn’t doing anything for her.

Even...

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long)

...looking for some clothes for college. I’m in the midst of picking out a new pair of pants, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a middle-aged woman staring at me from the other side of the store. I ignore it briefly, and continue looking for my clothing purchases.

10 minutes later, ...