A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Water and heat walk into a bar...

It was steamy..

What freezes when you heat it up?

Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles?

Fission chips

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

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My wife and I got into a heated row.

"I get it," I declared. "You think I'm an arsehole."

"No, I don't," she said. "Because arsehole's have a purpose."

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high

\- the door is always open

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

People get so heated up about if the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer to put the tea in first, then the milk, then the cereal.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

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A sales man once went to Japan for business

A sales man once wemt to japan for business. He decided to visit a bordello because he got word of the japanese special capabilities in the love making area. So he went into a room with a lady and they got into the stuff, and in the heat of the moment the lady kept shouting
Machigatta ana,
M...

Just a little chimney joke to heat up your day

What does the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?

You're too young to smoke!

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

Most people are blaming FIFA for awarding Qatar the 2022 World Cup because of the Extreme Heat.

Well I am not worried about it because of the fans.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram. But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alo...

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

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It's very cold one night...

A little bird is sitting in a tree trying to get some sleep but overnight it gets very cold and the little bird freezes. Unable to use his wings, he drops out of the tree and falls to the ground below.



A nearby cow hears the thud and wanders over to investigate. Seeing the frozen ...

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An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

A Redhead, a brunette, and a Blonde...

Three girls go on a trip to see the desert. The Redhead says "hey we should bring stuff to keep us cool because the desert can get really hot." Everyone agrees so they so pick it something they feel will keep them cool in the desert heat. "what did you guys bring, I brought a wide brimmed hat to kee...

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

What do you call a heated conversation between two fisherman?

Debait.

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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “pretend we...

Air is quite a poor conductor of heat...

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

If the US has a heated debate over global warming that polarizes the nation

desn't that mean problem solved?

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

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What do you call masturbating in the summer?

A heat stroke.

Two Guy's sitting in a kayak

Two Guy's sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Kendall Jenner and her dad Caitlyn Jenner are in a heated argument.

Caitlyn says: "It's true, Kendall. You have to believe me!"

Kendall says furyously: "I see straight through your lies. You are so trans parent!"

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The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions

It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

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My wife walked in on me

After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?"

Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

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Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

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Castaway

A young man was on a cruise ship to Hawaii. He somehow fell overboard unnoticed, but luckily managed to get himself onto a small uninhabited island.
Luckily for him, he was a avid watcher of all those “survival” shows and managed to situate himself comfortably. After scouring the islan...

Due to extreme heat, I experienced a brownout last night.

I knew I shouldn't have tried that ghost pepper sauce.

My friend and I were having a heated argument about the angle of a triangle

Things got messy and we went off tangent

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A redneck's dog is in heat and he walks in to a bar...

He ties the dog up to a tree outside. A police officer walks by noticing the dog is in its period and wants to be free to mate with other dogs.

The police officer then walks in to the bar and find's the dog's owner. He says to the man, "Your dog is tied up outside and she's in heat?" being no...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are driving through the desert, when their car breaks down.

Staring death in the face, they decide their only chance is to try and walk to civilisation.
They decide that they should each take something off the car to help their chances of surviving.

The Englishman takes the roof lining saying "it'll give me shade from the heat of the sun".

...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

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What does a dog in heat say?

"Bitch, please."

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A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas....

A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas as it was in heat and needed to have sex to calm down. There is no male gorrilas currently fit to do the job.

The zookeeper calls up his friend him on the phone and says "Here Jim I've got a real problem one of my gorrilas is in heat woul...

A man says to his wife 'Grab your jacket I'm going to the pub'

She asks 'Oh, are you taking me with you?'
'No, I'm turning the heating off'

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave.

They should always be Luke warm.

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"



...

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

Why did everyone in the Apple store die of heat stroke

They didn't want to install windows

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