Was Jokes - 160 Hilarious Was Jokes

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

Why was 10 scared?

It was in the middle of 9/11?

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

I was fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *

Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

There was a farmer who had three daughters

All of his 3 daughters were going on their first dates that same evening. Being protective of them, he decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his gun.

So the first suitor arrived and told the farmer: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" T...

Why was Yoda afraid of 7

Because 9 7 8

I was a man who was trapped in a woman’s body

Then I was born

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

A boy was chewing on electrical chords, so he was grounded…

he is doing better currently and conducting himself properly

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

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I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.

What are the odds?!?!

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

My wife called me at the bar. Said if I was not home in ten minutes, she was feeding my dinner to the dog

I was home in five. I love that dog too much to see harm come to him.

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring

But it did have a nice arc

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

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Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:

"Beats the hell outta me"

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gamblin...

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREF...

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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I was offered Sex Today

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented l...

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

Heisenberg was pulled over by a highway patrolman.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That's right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don't know where I am.

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

Andy was sent to prison

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of...

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

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