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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

“Make me one with everything.”

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands i...

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

‟I wanna buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle”

‟sure” said the owner handing over a scope ‟if you look out the window,this scope is so powerful you can see into my house”

The man looks,then turns to the shopkeeper and says ‟sorry mate there is a ...

A man walks up to an Indian hot dog vendor

Smirking to himself, he says, "Make me one with everything!" before handing over a twenty dollar bill.

The vendor chuckles good-naturedly before doing exactly that, piling a hot dog high with various condiments before handing it over. The man accepts it, but hesitates. "Where's my change?"...

At recess, all the children are playing outside.

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.

"No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird."

A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.

"No thanks, I'd rather n...

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There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

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A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

There once was a Nike shoe.

There once was a Nike shoe.

He lived with his wife who was also a Nike shoe and together they had identical twins, an adorable pair of two left Nike shoes.

But Nike shoe wasn’t happy. You see, he hated his job--the mundane monotony of never being the shoe he knew he could be. One day...

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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

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Little old lady(long)

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"...

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"Give it to me!" My girlfriend screamed. "I'm so fucking wet right now!"

She could shout all she wanted. I wasn't handing over my umbrella.

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A birthday gift for a friend

I have a buddy who is a bit of a beer snob. For his 30th birthday, he asked for a six pack with a matching pint glass from each of his friends. I decided I would drive a couple hours to pick up his gift from his new favorite brewery (which happened to also be my new favorite brewery.)

I had t...

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