Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

A member of the Inca Indian tribe was captured by the Spanish....

The captain told his interpreter to say this to the Inca Indian , " Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all their gold ,that we will burn his feet ".
Through the interpreter the Inca Indian replied " I would rather die than tell you where the gold is "
The captain threatened...

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

A man was shot with a starting pistol and then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

I’m gonna go ahead and make a racist comment by saying..

I think the 400m relay is a better race than the 100m sprint.

My sister hates relay batons

Pass it on

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

When’s the worst place to have an erection ?

During a relay race

I come from a mixed race family

My mum prefers the 100 metres, my dad is all about the relay.

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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After making love, my wife looked at me disgusted and slapped me across the face

Shocked, I said "What the hell was that for?!"

She said, "That's for 40 years of bad sex!"

I slapped her, and she said,"What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference!"

As relayed to a coworker of mine when asking an older coworker for wedding advice upon the occa...

What does a chicken do on Reddit?

It relays its eggs.

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Lasik Eye Surgery

A few years ago, I finally decided to get Lasik Eye Surgery. I had been going to the same eye doctor for a few years, and she told me I was a good candidate for it. She tells me I need to get a topography test which couldn't be done at her office. Instead, she sent me to the Eye Center at a local...

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A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

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A lawyer gets his first visitor in his new law firm.

To give the visitor an image that he is an impressive lawyer, he picked up his landline phone, pressed a few buttons and said into it, "Yes, Mr. Jones, I get the impression that you are desperate to get your house back, so can we set up an appointment tomorrow to discuss the formalities? …How about ...

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter...

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Two brothers have dinner shortly after Christmas. NSFW

One is incredibly wealthy and the other can barely afford rent. Over dinner, they share stories about their Christmas and what they gifted their respective wives.

The rich brother relays how he bought his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

'Oh wow, why did you get h...

Super cheesy joke my dad told me over the holiday

Three ropes walk into a bar.
The first rope walks up to the bar and orders three drinks. The bartender gruffly says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
Walking back to his friends, the rope relays the news. The second rope says, "Let me give it a try."
Upon reaching the bar he's also quickly...

Sheila shows up to work one day, in tears and looking for comfort.

The only person in the office that morning is John, not ideal, but Sheila carries on anyway. She relays her story to him:

"I left for work this morning, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. W...

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[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent...

The dwarves were quite short, and Snow White's bedroom was on the second floor.

At night when she was changing into her night clothes, they stood on each other's shoulders so one of them could peek through her window and relay the goings on to the ones below.

"What's she doing now", the lower dwarf would ask. "She's taking off her skirt", would come the answer.

...

The snack companies of the world have announced the food Olympics for 2018.

Supposedly two of the events have an interesting relay-sun-chip.

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

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Miss Davies wants to teach her class about Hearsay, so they enact a game of "Telephone"

She arranges the students in a circle and turns to her first student, Peter. She whispers "The box jellyfish has 24 eyes, and a lifespan of less than one year" to Peter and tells him to pass the message on. As she watched the message being passed on, she noted the subtle look of enlightenment in eac...

Is it ok to be against a certain race?

because I hate relays.

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

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Camping with your friend

Two friends are camping and they're sitting around the fire when one gets up to take a leak. He starts screaming "A snake bit my dick! A snake bit my dick!" His friend calms him down and ensures that he'll call a doctor. Once he calls the doctor, he starts to relay the doctors instructions to his fr...

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message.


I know i need to work on my execution.

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A cop pulls over a vehicle

... driven by an elderly woman. She was taking her husband to a doctor's appointment and they were running late. The cop approaches the driver side window and asks if she knows why he stopped her.

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?". The husband explains to the officer ...

The only joke I've ever heard from my mother

my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)

Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."

My dad is the worst with jokes..

One night, he came over for dinner, and made about 50 dad jokes within two hours. It got to the point where I had to tell him to stop or get out.

"Im only having a bit of fun, calm down buddy!" He said to me

"Look, I think you need help with your dad jokes, I'm getting you professional...

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