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Handed Jokes

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

The doctor handed me a baby...

The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."


That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

A frustrated student handed in his exam.

"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.

"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.

Why can't you trust a left-handed mathematician with graph paper?

They'll plot something sinister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

my dad asked me why my report card was all wet when I handed it to him

He should have noticed all the grades were below c-level....



From three mind of my 10 year old favorite daughter....

Never argue with left handed people

Because they are never right

On Mothers day my churches handed o7t carnations to all the moms

On Father's day they handed out jumper cables. I kept quiet, because I drive an electric car, and didn't want to start anything.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"


"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."


I'm shit at maths, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!

Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

what did the blind guy say when he was handed a cheese grater

That's the most violent story I've ever read

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick

She still isn’t talking to me.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

There's nothing wrong with being left-handed

But, there's nothing right about it either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

What does a left handed person and Netflix have in common?

They can't do anything Right.

For a surprise proposal, I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon and handed it to my girlfriend.

Unfortunately she…popped the question.

I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...

"What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

I started a new job and was handed a book

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager

"why call it a Bible?"

"because it's written by man and it's full of errors"

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

I only date right handed women...

Righty tighty, lefty loosey

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