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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand.... What do I have ?

A really fu***ng huge cricket.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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I'm holding a meetup for overthinkers. Saturday at 5pm.

Wait. Saturday might not be the best day. Tuesday is better. Actually, what if no one shows up? Fuck it, meeting is cancelled.

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture.

The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"

He said "It's my carri-on luggage"

*sorry sorry sorry*

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body

Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.

The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy. “Er.. Um.. of course not......

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my school held a seminar on holding orgasms.

nobody came.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

“Excuse me, I’m collecting for the local swimming pool”

“Well it’ll take you bloody ages to fill it with that”

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A farmer walks into his house holding a goose in his arms

He approaches his wife and says “Well this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” His wife stares at him, mouth agape, and says “Excuse me?! That’s a goose!” The farmer replies “I know. I wasn’t talking to you.”

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

My fiancee was holding my left hand...

And I told her, "You know, in a month and a half, that hand will be heavier and I might need help lifting it."

She replied, "The ring isn't that heavy..."

And I retorted, "Yeah, but the ball and chain connected to it is!"

Don't know how I'm still engaged or alive after that...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I‘be attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the speech ...

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam stand on the side of the road holding signs saying “the end is near”.

A truck drives by and the driver shouts “you dumb religious wackos”, makes the turn and drives off the cliff. The rabbi turns to the priest and imam and says “you think we should change our signs?”

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Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see?

Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.

Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture.

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

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A man walks into a pub holding a dog poop in his hands

He says to his friend "eww, look what I nearly stepped in"

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dim...

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.

He would hold a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Ita...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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A blonde walks into a bar holding a piece of shit

“Hey everybody, look what I almost stepped in!”

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed.

Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"

My grandfather never threw anything away. Bless him.

He even died, holding onto a grenade in the war.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

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An old man was sitting on his farm porch one evening and saw a kid walk by holding a roll of duct tape.

Man: “where you going with that duct tape?”

Kid: “Duck hunting”

Man: “you don’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

Kid ignores him and and hour later comes past with a few ducks.
The next day he’s walking by with chicken wire.

Man: “ where you going with that chicken wire?...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

A lawyer boarded an airplane...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying fr...

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can not come let me know..

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

So I saw a picture of a little girl holding a lion cub (female)

I decided to show my 9yo son the picture and told him that when that creature grew up she would become one of the most feared and deadly creatures on the planet.

He looked at me with a shocked look in his eyes "really dad she will be that dangerous," he said.

"Yep," I said, "and right ...

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding...

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

The officer talks to the first girl asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

The officer ask...

Three Guys are on an private jet when the pilot says they need to lighten their load.

They all agree to drop one item each. The first man drops an empty briefcase, the second man drops a beach towel, and the third man drops a live grenade. The flight continues as normal and the three men decide to visit the area where they dropped their items to see if any damage was done.

Soo...

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

A woman walks onto a bus holding a baby in her arms.

The bus driver comments, “Good Lord, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman is pretty angry at this, but she pays for her ticket and sits down next to a man who notices her anger and asks what’s wrong. She tells him, “The driver just insulted me!”

“You go and tell him off t...

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up,and they wish it would fall.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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A man enters his therapist's office holding back tears

Therapist: What's the matter? There's clearly something wrong.

Man: I can't do my Borat impression anymore, not even once, or I'll be divorced!

Therapist: That's nonsense, who told you that?

Man: \*hangs his head and cries\*

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