UPJOKE
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Above Jokes

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

What do you call a German taxi driver who thinks Germany is above all?

An Über driver.

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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing....

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

Most knights are a cut above...

But Sir Cumcision is a cut below.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A man lived above a Chinese restaurant.

One night, he was trying to sleep but the restaurant's bright neon lights kept him awake. So he went downstairs to ask the owner of the restaurant if he could turn off any of the lights. "I'm afraid I can't," replied the owner, "but I can dim sum."

When I die, I want to be scattered above Disney World...

"That's fine by me." Said my wife

"Thanks, I don't want to be cremated".

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

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A cut above the rest

Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped ...

I live above an eccentric Greengrocer

His fruit selection is totally bananas

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

[OC] i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment.

i was living under The Rock for a very long time.

I bought a shabby little place in Bangkok above a nice restaurant.

It was a bad Thai pad, but good pad Thai

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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

Remember: eagles may soar above the rest.

But a weasel hasn’t been sucked into a jet engine yet.

What do you call two guys above a window?

Kurt and Rod

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Since ovaries are above the vagina...

Shouldn’t testicles should have been named *undaries.*

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, c...

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There was a fly above a river

A fish sees the fly and thinks "If it comes down about 3 inches lower I can jump up and eat it". A bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks "if the that fly goes a few more inches lower, the fish will jump to get it and I can snag the fish in the air". A hunter who's been tracking the bear for some...

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hi...

A blonde is drilling in the ice to fish when he hears a voice call out from above...

**There are no fish under the ice**

The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?

The answers in a louder tone.

**There are no fish under the ice**

The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - ...

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A fish watched a fly six inches above the water...

He thought, “if that fly would drop 6 inches I would have lunch.”

A bear was watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, If that fly would drop 6 inches the fish would come up and get the fly, I could reach the fish and have lunch.”

A hunter was watching the bear watching the fish...

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What scale is an A below average and F above average?

Boobs!

Hey girl, you're above average

Don't be mean.

Why did the pirate prefer slightly above average students?

Because he always preferred the high C's

On the map, Canada is above the US.

But isn't it crazy that when I look up I don't see Canada?!

I’m opening a barber shop above a hotel.

It’s a cut above the rest.

How did all the numbers above 2 die?

They over-dos'd

I value simplicity above all in my life

Maybe that's just because I'm lazy

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So there's this fly above a river.

And in that river, is a fish, who sees that fly. The fish says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, I'll catch the fly, and have myself a nice meal."


And near the river, is a bear, who sees that fish and fly. The bear says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish w...

Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and...

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

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[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

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What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

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President Trump's vocabulary is clearly above 4th grade,

for he knows such fancy words as "shithole".

What's the best part of being an above knee amputee?

50% off lap dances.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

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When you ejaculate on a woman keep it above the ankles.

You don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

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Hey girl... Is your ph above 7?

Cuz you're basic as fuck

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

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A grandfather and grandson were standing on hill above town.

The grandfather says, "Peter, you see all those houses? When I first came here I helped build all those houses. Do they call me Michael the House Builder? No."

The grandfather points at a church, "Peter, you see that church? I built that church from the ground up. Do the call me Michael the C...

Two men were standing on a platform high above a deep, dark, lonely pit.

One of the guys turns to the other and says, “I can’t wait to take the plunge! I hear no one has ever made it safely down so we’d be the first to start a civilization in the depths below! We could create our own rules, be Kings, and...”


The second guy quickly interrupts, “Hey now, let’s ...

A plane above the ocean is crashing

A woman in this plane knew she was going to die so she got up and shouted "Before I die I want someone to make me feel like a woman"

A couple rows down a man got up, took off his shirt and said "Here iron this"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

My book fell from above and hit me on my head

All I can do is blame my shelf

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A guy walking down the street sees a sign above a store that reads "Cock Shop"

He decides to check it out. He walks in and heads to the counter and whips out his cock. The woman cashier lets out an audible shriek and asks "What the fuck are you doing?"

"The sign outside said Cock Shop, so..."

"Clock shop you idiot, the "I" is out" replies the angry cashier. "Look...

A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head

and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for ...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The b...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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Frank and his grandson are sitting on a hill above their town

"You see that house down there?" Frank says to his grandson,

"I built that house, but they don't call me Frank the house builder."

Frank continues.

"And that Church, you see that church son? I built that church for the townspeople so the can all gather and worship. And that wa...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake

Out in the wild there's a lake. And above this lake there's a fly hovering six inches above the surface.
Below the surface there's a fish, and the fish says
"If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna get that fly."
Now on the shore there's a bear, and the bear says
"If that fly dr...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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My friend has a "Bon Appetit" sign above his toilet. When I asked him why...

He told me to eat shit.

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane?

Nope, nun of the above

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs, hanging above a window?

Curt & Rod

What do you do when a goose swoops above your head?

You duck.

What starts with H, ends with S, and can be found below my waist and above my legs?

Handcuffs.

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must...

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The ground floor toilets were out of order. So I had to use the ones on the floor above.

That was some next level shit

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What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7?

A basic bitch

A man sits down next to a woman at the bar

He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news

The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping

The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"

Th...

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

I just moved into an apartment above a jazz club...

I was sick of paying for sax.

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%?

It gets a bit muggy

I've struggled for years to be above the influence...

But I've never been able to get that high

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

All was calm at the grocery store until a man holding a stick above his head ran into the store.

“This is a stick-up!”

My wife and I were watching my 6 yr old daughter swim and she says to me (not wanting to swear), "She needs to stop screwing around and keep her head above the Effin water!"

So I said, "There's no "F" in water".

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