I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Joe: Can you check for monsters under my bed, mom?

Mom: He's not under your bed, sweetie. He's downstairs under his fifth bottle of beer.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

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Pickel cutter

A husband comes home says to his wife "honey, I got fired today."

And the wife replies "why?"

"Well," says the husband "the boss caught me putting my dick in the pickle cutter."

"Sweetie! Are you okay, is your penis okay? What are they going to do with the pickle cutter?"
...

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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

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For a good time call

Co worker told me this one.

Guy walks into a bathroom and notices a number.

"For a good time, call xxx-xxxx"

So he did. It rang and rang, and a woman answered the phone. A familiar woman....

"MOM?! Why the hell is your number in the men's bathroom?"

"Its the only ...

The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.

One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have som...

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Shelley's parents finally built up the nerve to confront their daughter about her time spent at the beach everyday...

 

 

Mom : "Quite a little operation you have going on out here sweetie.. but are you sure you've given this enough thought...?"

 

Shelley : "I sure have! This has always been my dream and I'm finally doing it! You should always do what yo...

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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A man pulls up alongside a girl walking to school

‘Get in the car‘ he orders

‘No’ says the girl

A few hundred yards down the road, he drives alongside the girl again

‘Come on’ he encourages ‘Get in the car, and I’ll give you a lollipop’

‘No way!’ the girl insists

Further down the road, the man tries once again....

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

Hector

Hector, an 80 year old man, was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started breast-feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she told it, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes lat...

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

What is the purpose of reindeer?

It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It'...

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A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.

The next morning, she announces that she got $101.

"Who gave you one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.

"Sweetie, they all did!"

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An Alabama girl sees her mother showering

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"

The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"

Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's tha...

Jerry and Mary are a few weeks from their wedding...

And Jerry is starting to feel nature call, but Mary wants to wait until their special night. Jerry, however, continues to push the matter until he convinces Mary to let him put the tip in just once, but she makes him promise that's all he's going to do. He does. So they're all set and ready one nigh...

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A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

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The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

My wife was upset and asked if I thought she was fat

To calm her down I replied 'oh Honey.. sugar, sweetie pie.. avoiding these would be a good start'

A little girl's cat died.

A little girl's cat died. She loved the cat very much, and so when it died, she was devastated beyond belief. Her mother and her take the cat to the backyard so they could have a funeral for it. The little girl is in tears as they bury her cat.



"Don't worry, sweetie," says the mom in...

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A man decides to do something nice for his girlfriend.

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend, Wendy, before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually r...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

An eight year old girl went with her father to the office on take your daughter to work day..

As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.

Her father asked, ''what's wrong sweetie?''

As his colleagues gathered around, she sobbed loudly: ''Daddy, where are all the clowns you sad you worked with?''

Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.

"Mama! Look at those dogs! What are they doing?"

"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."



After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys and sure en...

The Ob_GYN office

3 heavily pregnant women are waiting for their appointment

a brunette, a redhead, and a blond

the brunette pipes up " I was on top so I'm going to have a boy!"

the redhead then says " Well I was on the bottom so obviously mine will be a girl."

the blond starts crying
...

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A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Her**: Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Him**: What about the other one?

**Her**: The other one is buying me a tablet.

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

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A husband and wife decide they need some extra money [NSFW]

A husband and wife decide they need some extra money to help pay the bills. The wife, being dutiful and willing to do anything to help out the family, decides she's going to start selling blowjobs.

At the end of her first day at this new endeavor she comes back home on the verge of tears, but...

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Don’t know if this ones on here yet

John went to the store to pick up a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner. He goes to the meat counter and asks for a ham, “Try this damn ham” the man at the counter said. “Excuse me”
John said, “no that’s what they’re called, damn hams” the man said and handed John a damn ham. He pays for the ...

Mother wanted to find her idiot son a job

Mother wanted to find her idiot son a job, and of course the police station was the first location to try.

She said "My son is a real idiot, he would be a great policeman". The chief looked at him and said "I, don't know.. doesn't seem that dumb to me..."

The mother turned to her son a...

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Mom, what's a pussy?

"Mom, what's a pussy?," the boy asks.

The mom gets a little flustered and abruptly answers. "A cat! It's a cat, sweetie."

"Mom, what's a bitch?"

Again, caught off guard but with only slight hesitation, the mother answers, "A dog. It's a dog, sweetie."

Having a feeling t...

Son: Mom, do you keep any secrets from me?

Mom: Every parent does sweetie, but it's for your own good.
Son: And what'd you do if I found them out?
Mom: Then i'd take you back to the orphanage I got you from.

An elderly couple next to me are talking to each other at a restaurant.

As they are talking, the man keeps calling his wife the sweetest names like Honey, Deer, Sweetie ect ect ect. When his wife excused herself to use the bathroom, I leaned over and said "I love how you talk to your wife. You call her the nicest things. It appears you two have been married for quite...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

A wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "Honey, I have a question."

Him: "It's 2:30 in the morning, what do you want?"

Her: "If I died, would you remarry?"

Him: "What?... Well I hadn't really thought about it... I guess I would. Can we go to sleep now?"

Her: "I've got another question. If I died and you re...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

I said to my mom “I feel like you’re trying to gaslight me right now.”

She said “of course not sweetie, it’s all in your head.”

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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he...

Thr golfer

Sorry if previously posted but one of my favorites still and I didn't see if after a brief search.


An old guy is about to marry a young hot girl and tells her he wants no secrets between them.
He says, "I am a golfer. I eat, sleep, dream and live for golf.

She admires his hones...

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So a pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While she's in the bank, the bank gets robbed and she gets shot in the stomach 3 times.

She wakes up in the hospital and the doctor tells her she'll be just fine. Worried, she asks about her baby. The doctor says "oh interestingly enough you're having triplets and they'll also be just fine, ...

Little Johnny's Testimony

Little Johnny was home with mom while dad was away at work.
Mom asked "So, Johnny boy. What did you do with daddy while I was at grandma's yesterday?"
"I was doing my homework that suddenly aunt Lilly came home and daddy took her to your bedroom and locked the door. When I looked through the ...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

My six year old daughters first non-knock knock joke, told as a knock knock joke

Her: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Why did the chicken climb up the ladder and back down again?
Me: Sweetie, this isn't a how knock knock jokes work.
Her: Dad, this isn't a knock knock joke
Me: Okay.....
Her: To get to the other slide

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Little Susie came home from school one day.

Her mom asks "How was school today sweetie?"

"GOOD! Johnny showed me his penis on the playground!"

"What!" Said her mom, "Well what did you think about it?

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"HAHA, Because it was so small?" Joked her mom.

"NO! Because it tasted salty!"

A boy asked his mother how he was conceived

“Mommy, how was I born?”

Mom: “Well sweetie, Christmas came early”

And that was how the boy learned of his father’s nickname in college

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

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What's the difference between potential and reality?

One night at dinner a son asks his father "What's the difference between potential and reality?"

His father says let me show you. He turns to his wife and asks "Honey, if The Rock offered you $1 million to sleep with him, would you?"

She says "Of course I would!"

The father the...

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Dad takes his little girl to the barbershop.

The little girl is watching her dad get his hair cut while she is eating a snack cake. The barber says careful sweetie, your gonna get hair on your twinkie, she says "yeah, I know, I'm gonna get boobs too!"

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A 5 year old girl watched the construction workers threw the window of her house

She watched for a couple of days when the construction workers saw her and waved for her to come over.
They asked if she wanted to work with them, and she told them yes.
They gave her a job picking up trash for a week, and on Friday have her an envelope with some cash.
She took it to the ba...

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

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A boy is in the car with his dad driving

Behind them is a police car which begins to flash its lights.

“Oh you shithead” says the dad in annoyance.

But it turns out the police car was signalling someone else and its was fine.

“Daddy” the boy says “what does shithead mean?”

Chuckling, the dad replies “I was on ...

A young girl is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up along side her.

The window goes down and the driver says to her
"Hey sweetie, I'll gove you a dollar if you get in the car with me..."
The girl doesn't say anything, she just walks a little faster.
The driver says
"Alright, I'll give you ten dollars if you get in the car with me..."
Again, the girl...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, ...

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A woman is pregnant...

....And when her 5 year old son notices her belly is getting big he asks his mom what she has in her belly. The mother in a natural attempt to avoid explaining such a sexually vivid concept to her son replies to him, “It’s just air sweetie.” A few months later on the day of delivery the boy meets hi...

Blonde physical education teacher

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she asks....

A man made a bet at a bar...

A man made a bet at a bar that he could touch a fur and then tell what animal it was and how it was killed. For every one he got right he would get a beer.
the bartender blindfolded him and handed him a fur.
- Elk, shot with a remmington rifle.

the bartender handed him another fur.
-...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

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A man walks into a bar and notices a sign [NSFW]

It reads

-Beer $2
-Cheese Sandwich $1
-Hand Jobs 50¢

The man, sits down and has a few drinks.

Now quite drunk, he looks over at the aging bartender and slurs.

"Are you the woman who gives the Hand Jobs?"

"Yes I am sweetie." She replies with a wink.

"...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

A married couple were playing golf

on a sweet Sunday afternoon. The wife out of nowhere weirdly asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?". The husband swiftly replied, "No sweetie, you know I wouldn't".
The wife immediately got back saying, "Don't lie to me. I'm sure you would".

The husband sensed this mi...

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A pilot forgets his mic open

And goes: "Oh man, I'm gonna take a huge shit and bang that hostess."

Everybody hears it. The hostess runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about the mic, chucks down. A passenger says: "Don't rush sweetie, he's gonna take a huge shit first."

One of our classmates got suspended after saying this joke in class

A little girl walks up to her Dad after her Sunday School lessons one day, and she looks upset. The Dad asks "Aw Baby what happened?"

The girl whispers to her Dad, "Daddy the Priest... He...he..."
The Dad sighs deeply, and says "what happened sweetie?"

"He...he told me to stay back ...

A boy says to his mother, "Mom, how come you're white but I'm black?"

"Sweetie, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

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A Father has three daughters..

Daughter 1: Dad, why did you name me Rose?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Rose petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Lily petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 3: hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!...

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip..

..and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still mad, she lurches to the kitchen to have a dr...

A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:

"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. ...

The wife asks her husband

-What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?

-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Ring ring....

Little girl: "Um... hello?"

Caller: ".... Oh hey sweetie, its daddy.... why are you annwering the phone? Where is mommy?"

Little girl: " Um..... mommy says she and uncle Jack are working in the bedroom and i gotta play downstairs......"

Caller: " What!? Honey, you aint got a unc...

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage

Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :

Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."

Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"

Guy: "Not in a million years!"

Girl: "Did you love me?"

Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"<...

Stephen Curry the dog

A man walks into a pet shelter, looking for a dog


he asks the worker for an interesting dog

"well, we have this attack dog owned by Stephen Curry, who named him after himself.

Watch this: Stephen Curry! The rag!"

The dog ripped apart the rag he was holding

"St...

An old man is driving on the highway

An old man is driving on the highway when his wife calls.

Wife: Hey sweetie! I just watched the news and there's 1 guy driving on the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful.

Old Man: Just 1? There's dozens of them.

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A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.



Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed. To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it rea...

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

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Two boys parents are throwing a party... [long]

and since it's all adults and they're only children nobody will pay attention to them. The two start talking,

"This is Boooorrringgg, I wanna go up to my room," says the older brother.

"Mom and Dad say we have to stay down here to help entertain the guests, this bites," replies the you...

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

The Flintstones

One day pebbles took a shower with Fred and Wilma. Her curiosity lead her to ask questions

Pebbles: Mama what's that between your legs?

Wilma: oh honey that's mommy's rock cutter.

Pebbles: Dada what's the between your legs?

Fred: oh sweetie that's my rock.

Pebbles:...

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(NSFW) Two parents take their 4 year-old daughter to the zoo...

As they pass the elephants the daughter points at one and asks, “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, seeing her daughter point at the elephant’s erect penis, says, “It is his trunk.”

“Not that, that thing,” says the daughter pointing at the penis.

The mom quickly responds, “ It is his tail.”...

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A blonde runs home from school....

A blonde runs home from school and screams "MUMMY MUMMY, WE DID THE ALPHABET TODAY, EVERYONE COULD ONLY GO UP TO D, AND I COULD GO TO G. 1,B,C,D,E,F,G. IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" Her mother says "Yes sweetie it is."

The next day, she runs home from school and screams "MUMM...

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A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

Man wins the $100 million lottery

A man wins the $100 million lottery and heads home. He tells his wife "Sweetie, I won the $100 million lottery! Pack your bags!" Excited, his wife goes "Wow! What do I pack? Where are we going?" The man says "I don't care, pack your bags and get the hell out."

Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.

Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"

"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."

Boyfriend...

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."

The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."

The third calf says "Hargendflarfr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.

The daughter asks...

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