UPJOKE
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My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

What do you call a theater major who works hard to portray his drug addict role?

A meth-head actor

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot....

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
Th...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

My wife and I like to role play, "The Fast and the Furious", in bed.

Those are the names for my and her respective roles anyway...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

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I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything that isn't a porn role. It is...

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

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Ice Cube talking about why he doesn't want his girlfriend to role play as a cop.

"When I said fuck the police, this isn't what I meant."

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

This is Hoe We Role

*when normal people talk...*
**hey bro how's your family doing?**
*when gamers talk*...
**How's your tank? Which level? And yeah what happened to that MC world?**

Disney have announced they’re rebooting Who Framed Roger Rabbit with Ric Flair played the role of Eddie Valiant. It’s going to be called

Wooooooooo Framed Roger Rabbit

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.

But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.

She indeed is a genius...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play tonight.

She could be the Capitol building, and I’d be a Trump protester.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

Me: Are you into role playing? Her: Yeah I love dressing up!

Me: Okay, just lay there. You'll be the turkey and I'll do the stuffing.

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

A man decided to role play doctor with his wife

He spent three hours in the hallway before she let him into the room.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

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Wife: we should role-play

**Me:** OK, I'll be Samuel L. Jackson

**Her:** what—

**Me:** SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKA. SAY WHAT ONE MORE GADDAMM TIME!

Stage Fright

A young actor, new on the scene and nervous about it, is trying to make his first big role count.

In his first onstage appearance, his character has a fairly simple scene to pull off: he walks onstage holding a rose between his fingers. He waves it past his nose with a big whiff, then declar...

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

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My girlfriend likes to role play in the bedroom

She pretends to be a sexy nurse
I pretend.......to still be attracted to her

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

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My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

Ricardo Montalban struggled to find acting roles after "Star Trek 2."

Nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

My wife and I started a new role play in bed.

I play Donald Trump and she plays America’s standing in the world.

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

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I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo.

we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.

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So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon!...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

This girl I took home from the bar wanted to role-play. I told her I would be Tony the Tiger.

But apparently a "Frosted Face" isn't good. Or great.

Before he was the God of Time, Chronos had an older brother who filled that role, but he was always behind time, so his people decapitated him.

They'd give him a second chance, but now he's a head of time.

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

What did the producer say after seeing Caitlyn Jenner's audition for a Marvel movie role?

"Cast her as the Hulk. She's been Bruce before."

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

What role did Mike Tyson have to play for his Christmas special?

Sani Cloth

A koala is in a job interview

The interviewer asks the koala "what makes you think you are suitable for this job role?".

"I have all of the necessary koalifications".

The queen arrives in New York and hops in a limousine....

She looks at the car and asks the driver if she could drive, because she said she never drives in Britain, and wants to see what its like. So the driver and the queen switch seats and she starts driving 50, 80, 100 mph. She eventually gets pulled over and roles down the window, and the cop is shocke...

Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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Had my girlfriend wear a Starbucks shirt during sex for role play

She got my name wrong during sex

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...

He said I was going places.

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