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Role Jokes

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

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i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!

I'm the husband leaving for work.

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.

I'm hooked

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

Wife and I decided to do a little fantasy role play. I had her dress up as a nurse.....

I wanted to see what it felt like to have health Care coverage.

Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars

he's the force.

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

Play a role of a fool to fool the fool

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

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anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, Prince Andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis.

At least they will be well groomed.

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

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Role Playing

So a guy says to his Polish friend, "I really envy you. You've been married for over ten years, and you still get along great with your wife. How do you do it?"

"Role playing," says the Polack.

"What do you mean, 'role playing?'" asks his friend.

"Well," says the Polack, "someti...

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

A man decided to role play doctor with his wife

He spent three hours in the hallway before she let him into the room.

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play tonight.

She could be the Capitol building, and I’d be a Trump protester.

My wife and I like to role play, "The Fast and the Furious", in bed.

Those are the names for my and her respective roles anyway...

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

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My girlfriend likes to role play in the bedroom

She pretends to be a sexy nurse
I pretend.......to still be attracted to her

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Me: Are you into role playing? Her: Yeah I love dressing up!

Me: Okay, just lay there. You'll be the turkey and I'll do the stuffing.

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Ice Cube talking about why he doesn't want his girlfriend to role play as a cop.

"When I said fuck the police, this isn't what I meant."

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

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Role playing can spice up your sex life.

Pretend to be someone who's good at sex.

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

Ricardo Montalban struggled to find acting roles after "Star Trek 2."

Nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

I'm currently preparing for a role

It's a cinnamon roll.

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

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So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon!...

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.

But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.

She indeed is a genius...

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

Role play on Valentine's Day

I am driving with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, when we decide to stop over in a quiet and dark place near the route.

Nobody could ever notice us there, and things were going to start getting hot.

She suddenly starts forcing her voice and grabs her hair, and says “*I could start ta...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

What role did Mike Tyson have to play for his Christmas special?

Sani Cloth

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...

He said I was going places.

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Had my girlfriend wear a Starbucks shirt during sex for role play

She got my name wrong during sex

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie?

China's GDP numbers.

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

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My wife and I are doing role reversal to spice up our sex life...

She's going to be the aggressor, and I'm going to lay there like a corpse.

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

I heard that roles in leadership positions are good jobs...

...but tell that to Kim Jong Un, he's a dictator with a failing Korea

I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play.

They really have to get into their characters.

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

Why did the actor that employed a dwarf to drive him around never get any role?

Because he had too little to chauffeur himself.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies?

Where there's a Will, there's a way.

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast

Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

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