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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

Me: Are you into role playing? Her: Yeah I love dressing up!

Me: Okay, just lay there. You'll be the turkey and I'll do the stuffing.

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

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My wife and I struggle when we role play during sex

She’s always Stalin and I’m always Russian.

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

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My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

A man decided to role play doctor with his wife

He spent three hours in the hallway before she let him into the room.

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security.

Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

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Wife: we should role-play

**Me:** OK, I'll be Samuel L. Jackson

**Her:** what—

**Me:** SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKA. SAY WHAT ONE MORE GADDAMM TIME!

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

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My girlfriend likes to role play in the bedroom

She pretends to be a sexy nurse
I pretend.......to still be attracted to her

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

Ricardo Montalban struggled to find acting roles after "Star Trek 2."

Nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

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My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

A renowned philosopher...

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just...

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

Dave: I’m making a documentary about my life.

Dave: And, I think you should play the role of my father.

Friend: I don’t want to be your father.

Dave: Perfect, you already know your lines.

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

"Piglet, I need your help", said Winnie the Pooh

-I want to create a trading firm called "Honey". You will play crucial role in this.

-Wow, we will be selling honey?

-No, we will be **buying** honey. And we will be selling pork.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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Role Playing

So a guy says to his Polish friend, "I really envy you. You've been married for over ten years, and you still get along great with your wife. How do you do it?"

"Role playing," says the Polack.

"What do you mean, 'role playing?'" asks his friend.

"Well," says the Polack, "someti...

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

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My mom caught me watching hentai.

My mom caught me watching hentai.

Mom: Watch something good, not this degenerate shit!

Me: Like what?

Mom: Like something your role model watches. Who is your role model?

Me: Samuel L Jackson.

Mom: Motherfucker!...

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The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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I just got my first porn role.

I guess you could say I'm cuming on the scene.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

My wife said we should spice up our love life

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She said “let’s do a bit of role playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient”.

“Alright...” I went with it, “How are you, doctor?”

“We have no appointments till November. Goodbye”.

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

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Doctor: are you sexually active?

**me:** No, I kinda just lie there.

**wife:** THIS- *[takes off doctor costume]* this is why we never role play anymore!

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

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Had my girlfriend wear a Starbucks shirt during sex for role play

She got my name wrong during sex

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My wife and I are doing role reversal to spice up our sex life...

She's going to be the aggressor, and I'm going to lay there like a corpse.

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...

He said I was going places.

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

A similarity about the job of President and Astronaut.

Educated, brave or ex-military there is a persona of the role, and the strife to get there. On the other hand, if you're a billionaire, for enough cash you can land yourself a seat up there with the help of Russia.

Job interview

A company has a new role available so they start interviewing people. At some point one of the candidates is asked by the interviewers:
I: “Which is your biggest disadvantage?”
C: “I’m too honest.”
I: “Well, I think honesty it’s not really a disadvantage.”
C: “Well, I don’t rea...

I'm currently preparing for a role

It's a cinnamon roll.

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

A man wins a chance to appear on a game show

A man won a chance to appear on a mystery game show. The chances were jeopardy, family feud, lingo, and the price is right. His wife a beautiful Spanish lady, the love of his life, told him that if he lost the game show she would divorce him because she couldn't handle the shame. So, he auditioned f...

I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.

I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.

I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play.

They really have to get into their characters.

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