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Role Jokes

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars

he's the force.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

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i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!

I'm the husband leaving for work.

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.

I'm hooked

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, Prince Andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis.

At least they will be well groomed.

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

Play a role of a fool to fool the fool

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

My wife and I like to role play, "The Fast and the Furious", in bed.

Those are the names for my and her respective roles anyway...

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

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Ice Cube talking about why he doesn't want his girlfriend to role play as a cop.

"When I said fuck the police, this isn't what I meant."

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"...

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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My wife keeps complaining how unfair it is that I played no part in the birth of our daughter...

when I feel like I in fact played the *semenal* role

Mitzi told her friend that she’s now working in theatre.

She said, “Yes, I’m responsible for handing out the roles”.

Her friend asked, “Isn’t that a difficult job?”

Mitzi replied, “No, every toilet has one.”

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

This is Hoe We Role

*when normal people talk...*
**hey bro how's your family doing?**
*when gamers talk*...
**How's your tank? Which level? And yeah what happened to that MC world?**

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.

But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.

She indeed is a genius...

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

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Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play tonight.

She could be the Capitol building, and I’d be a Trump protester.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

A man decided to role play doctor with his wife

He spent three hours in the hallway before she let him into the room.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

Me: Are you into role playing? Her: Yeah I love dressing up!

Me: Okay, just lay there. You'll be the turkey and I'll do the stuffing.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

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Wife: we should role-play

**Me:** OK, I'll be Samuel L. Jackson

**Her:** what—

**Me:** SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKA. SAY WHAT ONE MORE GADDAMM TIME!

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

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My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

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My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

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My girlfriend likes to role play in the bedroom

She pretends to be a sexy nurse
I pretend.......to still be attracted to her

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

Ricardo Montalban struggled to find acting roles after "Star Trek 2."

Nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

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I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything that isn't a porn role. It is...

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

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So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon!...

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

Before he was the God of Time, Chronos had an older brother who filled that role, but he was always behind time, so his people decapitated him.

They'd give him a second chance, but now he's a head of time.

Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

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