Daddy daddy, i managed to get a role on my school play this year

Dad : What role did you get ?

Son : i gotten the role of a husband with 20 years of marriage.

Dad : aww dont worry son, hope next year you be able to get a speaking role.

Why are ginger roles played mostly by everyone but gingers?

It's because you have to sell your soul to get anywhere in Hollywood.

I never see Paul Walker in big roles anymore

His career really hit the wall.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

What’s Owen Wilson’s favourite Role Playing Game?

WoW

Breaking: “Full House” Actress Takes On Unexpected New Role.

“The Big House”

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I think it's just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman's role in the black hole photo.

we all know with NASA's budget they could of never afforded a man.

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

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Role Playing

So a guy says to his Polish friend, "I really envy you. You've been married for over ten years, and you still get along great with your wife. How do you do it?"

"Role playing," says the Polack.

"What do you mean, 'role playing?'" asks his friend.

"Well," says the Polack, "someti...

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

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So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon!...

Why did the cranky actress turn down the role of Marie Antoinette?

She was in no mood to do a period drama.

My girlfriend likes to role play

For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?

The glove didn’t fit.

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

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Role playing can spice up your sex life.

Pretend to be someone who's good at sex.

Why do tall people have no role models?

Because they have no one to look up to.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is offered a role as a well known composer...

"I'll be Bach" he says, accepting the offer.

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

Before he was the God of Time, Chronos had an older brother who filled that role, but he was always behind time, so his people decapitated him.

They'd give him a second chance, but now he's a head of time.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

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The wife said she wanted to do some Game of Thrones role-playing tonight...

She strapped our kid to my back and made me hold the door while she masturbated to Kit Harington.

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

Michael Keaton took roles like Batman, Birdman, and now the Vulture from the new Spider Man movie

I guess you can say he's a good wingman.

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

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Had my girlfriend wear a Starbucks shirt during sex for role play

She got my name wrong during sex

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I am a perfect role model...

…for someone who takes “how much can you fuck up your life?” As an actual challenge.

My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...

He said I was going places.

I'm currently preparing for a role

It's a cinnamon roll.

My mother and father switched roles; I can't see them anymore.

They're trans-parents.

Sorry. ;)

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie?

China's GDP numbers.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes

When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went ...

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Can I be frank with you??

Yes, I like role playing. Sexually

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

My wife wanted to role-play..

..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.

So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did on...

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.

"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"

"Adam James, prosecutor"

"Sarah Connoley, public defender"

"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"

I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play.

They really have to get into their characters.

I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.

I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.

My girlfriend and I finally decided to try out role-play in the bedroom. I dressed up like Luke Skywalker

And she pretended to be a dead fish.

So, there's a world, and it's only inhabited by Cheerios.

And in this cheerio society, there are three social classes in which you can reside. The lower, plebian, plain Cheerios. They work in factories and fields. Then, there are the middle class honey nut Cheerios. They are kind if like middle management. Then, there are the mega upper class, bourgeoisie ...

I failed my Cultural Studies exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

It was in the late 1500's on the west coast of North America

The chief of the Native American tribe was growing old, and wished for his tribe to live long after his death and was to choose between his two sons. Their names were Eagle Flies and the other Falling Rocks.
The chief had decided that if he had to choose one of the sons he would have a competit...

Role play on Valentine's Day

I am driving with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, when we decide to stop over in a quiet and dark place near the route.

Nobody could ever notice us there, and things were going to start getting hot.

She suddenly starts forcing her voice and grabs her hair, and says “*I could start ta...

I heard that roles in leadership positions are good jobs...

...but tell that to Kim Jong Un, he's a dictator with a failing Korea

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies?

Where there's a Will, there's a way.

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blu...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

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It Snowed last so I made a Snow man

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay c...

John Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theatre."


Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

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Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

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Stoned out hippy on a bus

A stoned out hippie is riding a bus. While riding a nun boards the bus. The hippie is positively smitten with her and thinks she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. As it happens she sits right across the aisle from him.

The hippie can't contain himself. He leans over and tells her ...

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