The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

People of Alabama do not have ancestors...

They have incest-ors

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

What do you call one of our ancestors who wavers home drunk?

A meanderthal

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

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The theory of evolution states that all species are related to a common ancestor

So no officer I dont think its "disgusting" that I'm dating a raccoon

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

My friend wants to study Dwayne Johnson’s biography and his ancestors....

Is he studying geneaology or geology?

If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

What do you call a protestor whose ancestors grew weed?

A grass roots activist

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If my ancestors hadn't managed to escape from Nazi Germany, I probably wouldn't exist.

They went to Argentina in 1945.

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My ancestors knew exactly when to escape from Nazi Germany.

There were a LOT of red flags.

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Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

I wonder how long our ancestors managed to live with no shelter...

before they caved

I tried ayahuasca and saw my ancestors

My grandfather beat me with his belt because i did drugs

One of my ancestors invented the glove

Well, he had a hand in it

Ancestors...

You can't live with em', can't live without em'

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

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Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

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A distressed woman visits a healer...

"Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don't know what to do anymore."

The healer says: "You see, in every man's soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

Did you ever wonder...

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

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An Arab boy moves to Ireland

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"

"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.

"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is gree...

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

She’s always late.

Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

I got fired from PC World today.

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.


“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

Diarrhoea

My ancestors have all had a genetic propensity for diarrhoea.

Runs in the family.

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

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A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."

The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn...

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise..

I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.

The curious monk

A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....

The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copyin...

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

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A Jew meets the Pope

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge before an audience with the pontiff, he was finally granted one...

'Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks', said the Jew.

'That's very nice', said the Pope. 'What can I...

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, n...

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A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves h...

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond. The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy...

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...

...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.

The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?

The Egyptian and the Greek after st...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

In the past

Russian scientists dug 1000 mtr deep and found a copper wire.
They concluded:
“1000 yrs back our ancestors were using copper cable technology”..

American scientists dug 2000 mtr deep and found optic fibre.
They concluded:
“2000 yrs back our ancestors were using optic fibre technol...

Told by my brother, punchline gets me everytime

Three men are adventuring through the Amazon jungle, searching for treasure. One day, as they were hacking through brush they are ambushed and captured by a fierce tribe. One of the warriors acts as the translator, and tells the three men what the leader of the tribe is planning for them. "You have ...

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Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richa...

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Bowels no move

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about ...

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