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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. “Why are yo...

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

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How does the carpenter like having sex?

He likes it roof.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

Who was the world's first carpenter?

Eve because she made Adams banana stand.

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

How do you torture a carpenter?

You pull out his nails.

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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

What did the duck say to the carpenter?

Quack quack

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny d...

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Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

What did Kyle Carpenter say to Obama while receiving the Medal of Honor?

edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger

Why did the carpenter only have drunken one night stands?

Whenever he goes to the bar he always end up getting hammered with another girl and nailing her. Then once he's done screwing, he nuts and bolts.

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Build one table and you’re not considered a carpenter...

...but fuck one horse and you’re called a horse fucker for life :/

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

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3 men and a tower in the desert

There were three men lost in a desert. They were dying of thirst when they came upon a tall tower. The man outside said there is plenty of water at the top, but, in order to get it you must first go up the 100 steps, naked without getting an erection.....oh and by the way each step has a beautiful n...

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad?

Because he was always biting his nails.

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

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Construction Code

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "n...

A lawyer, a carpenter, and an entrepreneur

are all close friends with a man dying of cancer.
He gives each of them 20,000 dollars, and asks them to put them in his coffin when they pay their respects so that he will have some money to spend in heaven.
Well, he eventually dies and the three friends all meet each other after the funeral....

Why does president Trump need a carpenter?

To fix his Cabinet.

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

Why do boston carpenters get slapped by women?

Because they want to show women their caulk

A carpenter sent me her bill for installing a skylight in my windowless bathroom.

I only paid her half the bill. She called and asked why. I said, It doesn't work at night.

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

Why Did Donald Trump Get Fired When He Was a Carpenter?

He wouldn't take down any walls.

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3 man are lost in the desert.

Very far away they see a convent.
They knock on the door and a old nun shows up.

One man asks: Please help us we're lost and very thirsty.

Nun: Ok I'll help you but this is a convent, there can't be any males here so well have to remove your penis.

Man: Is there any other w...

What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?

A stool sample.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

The Cincinnati zoo has honey bees, sweat bees, carpenter bees, bumble bees....

But no Harambe

My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...

It really is next-level.

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

I think my dog wants to be a carpenter.

He likes roofing.

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?

I heard he was hammered

As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get screwed or nailed...

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What does a crappy Carpenter make?

Loose stools

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

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Johnny is a carpenter

One day Johnny is bothering his mother around the house, so she suggests he go watch the workers who were building a house across the street.

Johnny does so, and when he returns, his mother asks him if he's learned anything.

Yeah, says Johnny. "Some asshole made the door opening too ti...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

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