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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar...

He came, he saw, he conquered

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

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Bitches call me The Carpenter

Cuz i screw, nut and bolt

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

Did you hear the one about the blind carpenter?

He was cured when he picked up his hammer and saw.

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

A carpenter, plumber, an electrician and a welder are all dating the same woman. What do you call her?

A jack off all trades

Jesus was a carpenter

But, couldn’t pull a nail to save his life

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

Why did the carpenter only have drunken one night stands?

Whenever he goes to the bar he always end up getting hammered with another girl and nailing her. Then once he's done screwing, he nuts and bolts.

Who was the first carpenter?

Eve.

She made Adam's banana stand.

Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. “Why are yo...

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

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Build one table and you’re not considered a carpenter...

...but fuck one horse and you’re called a horse fucker for life :/

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?

A stool sample.

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

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A man is asked to build a fence.

One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man re...

Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad?

Because he was always biting his nails.

What's the difference between a carpet-er and a carpenter? (NSFW)

The carpet-er wants the carpet to match the drapes, but a carpenter will put his wood anywhere if the money's right

Why does president Trump need a carpenter?

To fix his Cabinet.

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

A lawyer, a carpenter, and an entrepreneur

are all close friends with a man dying of cancer.
He gives each of them 20,000 dollars, and asks them to put them in his coffin when they pay their respects so that he will have some money to spend in heaven.
Well, he eventually dies and the three friends all meet each other after the funeral....

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

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A carpenter goes to a brothel.

Had a threesome with two bi whores.

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get screwed or nailed...

My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...

It really is next-level.

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

I think my dog wants to be a carpenter.

He likes roofing.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?

I heard he was hammered

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

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What does a crappy Carpenter make?

Loose stools

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

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Johnny is a carpenter

One day Johnny is bothering his mother around the house, so she suggests he go watch the workers who were building a house across the street.

Johnny does so, and when he returns, his mother asks him if he's learned anything.

Yeah, says Johnny. "Some asshole made the door opening too ti...

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

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Carpenter on the third floor of a building site forgot to bring his saw up with him...

...he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points to his eye "I", his knee "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The apprentice nods, pulls down his pants and starts to wank. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, "...

Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter?

He *literally* can't even.

My carpenter refused to make me a kitchen worktop

He said it would be counter-productive.

Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to ...

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A bad Dad joke to go with your equally bad Christmas cracker jokes

One day a carpenter started to get out of bed to go to work, before being hit by abdominal pain so bad he had to lay down again. His wife was concerned but he waved her away, called off work, took a laxative, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.

The next day the carpenter went to get up...

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

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Carpenter and the Madame.

Madame calls the local carpenter out to the old whore house for work.

She has him install a partition wall in one of the larger rooms upstairs. After the works done he goes to the madame to collec his pay.

"That'll be 500 bucks mam." Says the carpenter.

The madame offers a tr...

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

In 1877 a bartender was building his saloon.

"so i want the floor to creak everytime when someone from out of town walks in and around here, but not when locals do that."

Carpenter: "What?!"

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

Jesus may actually return some day.

There was a carpenter that was quite a ladies' man, who accidentally ruined one of his eyes in an accident one day

So he made himself a wooden eye, but unfortunately his good looks were spoiled because he couldn't get it to fully resemble his remaining eye, and his days of womanizing were done. The fact that women were repulsed by his eye made him grow to have trouble even talking to women, which only compounded...

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A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.

He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...