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A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

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What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood?

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn't just good with wood, he was also good with Vege Tables.

It is common knowledge that Jesus' father was a carpenter.

But it is less known that his other father was an electrician. God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

What do nervous carpenters do?

Bite their nails

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[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens":

Not the best line to come from a carpenter

What does a pirate carpenter say when he’s cold?

Shiver me timbers.

An Irish carpenter walks into a bar

As he sits down, the bartender walks over and notices the man looks rather despondent. He orders a beer and sighs over his pint.

“What’s eatin’ at ye, good sir?” the bartender asks?

“Ye see that there table?” he said, pointing. “I built that table. But do they call me ‘Table Buildin’-...

I joined a carpenters class last week, but I haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

He came, he saw, he conquered

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

Why did the Carpenter's wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around, when he should have been nailing her...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

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How can you tell if a house was built by homosexual carpenters?

There isn't a straight beam in the house

Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?

What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

What is a carpenter's favorite kind of girl?

One who's flat as a board and never been nailed

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

What do you call a carpenter bee wearing a cape?

A wood-bee hero!

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Jesus was a carpenter.

But not a very good one, guy couldn't pull a nail to save his life.

Why did the carpenter kill himself?

Because he couldn't cope.

My grandfather always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Great guy.

Terrible carpenter.

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

Carpenters always travel the same way

By plane.

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

If Snoop Dogg was a carpenter, what would be his favorite tool?

A Fo-Chisel

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

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At the construction site

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.

He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.

So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.

He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then ...

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

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Home Repairs

A couple woke up one morning and began getting ready for the day. While brushing their teeth the wife noticed the sink was leaking and asked her husband to fix it. He turned to her and said, "Do I look like a fucking plumber?"

A few minutes later his wife noticed the closet light had a short...

What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost?

"I know what I saw."

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

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Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

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What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common?

They’re both wood workers.





OC, hopefully hasn’t been done before

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

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Suicidal carpenter with micropenis

Measure twice cut once

What do database engineers, carpenters, and FIFA have in common?

They all fix tables.

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

What did the lady carpenter say to the stud finder?

Wood. I want nothing but wood.

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

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Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants?

A construction site.

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

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