I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

An Irish carpenter walks into a bar

As he sits down, the bartender walks over and notices the man looks rather despondent. He orders a beer and sighs over his pint.

“What’s eatin’ at ye, good sir?” the bartender asks?

“Ye see that there table?” he said, pointing. “I built that table. But do they call me ‘Table Buildin’-...

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An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

What is a carpenter's favorite kind of girl?

One who's flat as a board and never been nailed

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

What do nervous carpenters do?

Bite their nails

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

I joined a carpenters class the other day.

We haven't made anything yet though, we've only just begun.

Why did the carpenter kill himself?

Because he couldn't cope.

Why did the Carpenter's wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around, when he should have been nailing her...

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

What does a pirate carpenter say when he’s cold?

Shiver me timbers.

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

What do you call a carpenter bee wearing a cape?

A wood-bee hero!

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How can you tell if a house was built by homosexual carpenters?

There isn't a straight beam in the house

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight?

He just picked up a hammer and saw.

If Snoop Dogg was a carpenter, what would be his favorite tool?

A Fo-Chisel

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

Carpenters always travel the same way

By plane.

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Signs

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.

He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, mean...

Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

How many men does it take to father a Messiah?

Everyone in the village but the carpenter.

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

A joke from Hamlet: "What do you call a person who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder or a carpenter does?"

The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

Found on Act 5, Scene 1

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Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

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What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common?

They’re both wood workers.





OC, hopefully hasn’t been done before

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost?

"I know what I saw."

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

I was raised in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

Strong bed (not original - translated)

Man to carpenter - make a very strong bed so it does not break as my son will sleep with my daughter in law on it after marriage
Carpenter - don't worry sir I will make such strong bed it will not break even if whole colony sleeps with your daughter in law

What do database engineers, carpenters, and FIFA have in common?

They all fix tables.

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

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Suicidal carpenter with micropenis

Measure twice cut once

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. “Why are yo...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants?

A construction site.

When a door closes, another one opens

I'm not a very good carpenter...

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

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Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

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