Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. “Why are yo...

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

If a dog got a job as a carpenter, what would they specialize in?

Ruff-ing

A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

How do you torture a carpenter?

You pull out his nails.

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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure?

Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

Who was the world's first carpenter?

Eve because she made Adams banana stand.

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

What did the duck say to the carpenter?

Quack quack

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

What did Kyle Carpenter say to Obama while receiving the Medal of Honor?

edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

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A man is asked to build a fence.

One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man re...

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

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Build one table and you’re not considered a carpenter...

...but fuck one horse and you’re called a horse fucker for life :/

Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad?

Because he was always biting his nails.

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

Why does president Trump need a carpenter?

To fix his Cabinet.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

A lawyer, a carpenter, and an entrepreneur

are all close friends with a man dying of cancer.
He gives each of them 20,000 dollars, and asks them to put them in his coffin when they pay their respects so that he will have some money to spend in heaven.
Well, he eventually dies and the three friends all meet each other after the funeral....

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Carpenter on the third floor of a building site forgot to bring his saw up with him...

...he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points to his eye "I", his knee "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The apprentice nods, pulls down his pants and starts to wank. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, "...

My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...

It really is next-level.

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get screwed or nailed...

The Cincinnati zoo has honey bees, sweat bees, carpenter bees, bumble bees....

But no Harambe

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?

A stool sample.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

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What does a crappy Carpenter make?

Loose stools

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?

I heard he was hammered

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

I think my dog wants to be a carpenter.

He likes roofing.

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Johnny is a carpenter

One day Johnny is bothering his mother around the house, so she suggests he go watch the workers who were building a house across the street.

Johnny does so, and when he returns, his mother asks him if he's learned anything.

Yeah, says Johnny. "Some asshole made the door opening too ti...

Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter?

He *literally* can't even.

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