UPJOKE
housejoinershipbuildingwoodworkerformworkbakercooperunited kingdombarbermasongrandfatherweavershipapprenticeshipballoon framing

Carpenter Jokes

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

Jesus was a carpenter, but not a very good one.

I mean, how do you get your hands nailed into some wood?

Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?

Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.

How does a carpenter order 5 beers?

With 2 hands.

(I hope this common Swiss Joke/Proverb didn't got posted a lot here)

A couple not-so-bright carpenters are framing a house.

Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He’ll pull one out, hammer it in, pull another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.

Worker A says to worker B, “hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?”

Worker B responds, “they’re defective;...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood?

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn't just good with wood, he was also good with Vege Tables.

What do nervous carpenters do?

Bite their nails

An Irish carpenter walks into a bar

As he sits down, the bartender walks over and notices the man looks rather despondent. He orders a beer and sighs over his pint.

“What’s eatin’ at ye, good sir?” the bartender asks?

“Ye see that there table?” he said, pointing. “I built that table. But do they call me ‘Table Buildin’-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a carpenter takes viagra?

Wood working

A carpenter calls to his apprentice…

And asks for some wood for the fence they are building. The apprentice is gone a long time, and the carpenter feared the worst. Finally, the apprentice comes back with r/jokes , this angered the carpenter, as he can’t build a fence with a subreddit. He yells at the apprentice that he asked for three...

Did you hear about the accountant from Pyongyang who moved to Seoul to be a carpenter?

He fancied a Korea change

It is common knowledge that Jesus' father was a carpenter.

But it is less known that his other father was an electrician. God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight?

He just picked up a hammer and saw.

What does a pirate carpenter say when he’s cold?

Shiver me timbers.

What is a carpenter's favorite kind of girl?

One who's flat as a board and never been nailed

I joined a carpenters class last week, but I haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.

Why did the Carpenter's wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around, when he should have been nailing her...

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if a house was built by homosexual carpenters?

There isn't a straight beam in the house

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

What do you call a carpenter bee wearing a cape?

A wood-bee hero!

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

Carpenters always travel the same way

By plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common?

They’re both wood workers.





OC, hopefully hasn’t been done before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Jesus was a carpenter.

But not a very good one, guy couldn't pull a nail to save his life.

Why did the carpenter kill himself?

Because he couldn't cope.

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blondes at a construction site

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

\- "Why a...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

A joke from Hamlet: "What do you call a person who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder or a carpenter does?"

The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

Found on Act 5, Scene 1

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost?

"I know what I saw."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suicidal carpenter with micropenis

Measure twice cut once

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

What do database engineers, carpenters, and FIFA have in common?

They all fix tables.

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carpenter on the third floor of a building site forgot to bring his saw up with him...

...he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points to his eye "I", his knee "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The apprentice nods, pulls down his pants and starts to wank. The furious carpenter runs downstairs and says, "...

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

Why aren't carpenters superstitious?

Because they're always knocking on wood!

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants?

A construction site.

I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.

She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer...

To get screwed or nailed...

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

My grandfather always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Great guy.

Terrible carpenter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.