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A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

One came, one saw, and one conquered.

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Carpenters always travel the same way

By plane.

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went throu...

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

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Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

What do database engineers, carpenters, and FIFA have in common?

They all fix tables.

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A horny 20 year old girl is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

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What do prostitutes and carpenters have in common?

They’re both wood workers.





OC, hopefully hasn’t been done before

A carpenter pulls up to his doctor with his truck

"Took me a while to source the right kind of spruce, but I have the stool samples you asked for"

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants?

A construction site.

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

An experienced carpenter was given a difficult task of making a straight plank of wood circular

He nailed it!

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

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Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

An old carpenter was carrying a coffin on his head

An old man was carrying a coffin on his head in his bicycle during midnight. He saw a cop standing near a check post who stopped him. The cop asked him why he was carrying coffin on his head. Fearing he might have to bribe the cop he said “It was so hot wherever I was buried. I am trying to move to ...

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

Why aren't carpenters superstitious?

Because they're always knocking on wood!

I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.

She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes

The miracle of the blind carpenter

He picked up his hammer and saw.

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An older Scottish man is having a drink at the local pub

A younger man from out of town sits down next to him at the bar and orders a drink. They sit in silence for a bit, then the older man turns to the younger man and says, “Sonny, ye see the bar our glasses are resting on? I built it with me own two hands, but when folks see me coming, do they say to t...

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

Your mom is a carpenter's dream.

Flat as a board and easy to nail.

Two Carpenters

Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. “Why are yo...

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter?

Ahmed Ashed

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have a point.

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

My aunt used to build houses for a living..

She was a carpenter aunt

Jezus at the pearly gate

At the pearly gate, Jezus is taking over st. Peter's shift for he has to take a toilet break. During Jezus his shift, an old man approaches the gate. Jezus calls te old man to him to ask him some questions.

He looks at the old man and asks: "So, what did you do to make a living?"

"I wa...

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

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Build one table and you’re not considered a carpenter...

...but fuck one horse and you’re called a horse fucker for life :/

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

People wonder how being being a chronic insomniac affects my job as a carpenter...

Quite frankly, I enjoy getting paid to bang all night

People call me a carpenter

All I can say is that I am good at building walls around me.

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

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The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified ...

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

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Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...

the new guy screwed everything up

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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, ...

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad?

Because he was always biting his nails.

What's a carpenter's prototype of a bar seat called?

A stool sample.

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