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At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

Dog just ate my wife's wedding ring

Vet said we have a diamond in the ruff.

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

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Eddie had forgotten his wedding anniversary

His wife was really pissed. She told him,

“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough the...

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:<...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Our wedding was so beautiful

Even the cake was in tiers

A man is going to a wedding and tells his friend he will be wearing a kilt.

"What's the tartan?" his friend asks.


"She's just gonna wear a dress"

It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card.

But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door

What do polish brides get on the wedding night that's long and hard ?

A new last name !

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Today is my parents 44th wedding anniversary! And all I can think it is…

Why did they get married so many times?

People always pointed at me and said "You're Next!" whenever there was a wedding

So I started doing the same to them whenever I met them during funerals



-An old joke, hopefully made you giggle if you hadn't heard it

It’s ironic that “rain on your wedding day” is a poor example of irony.

And a “free ride when you’ve already paid” isn’t any better.

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Guy broke his d*** the night before his wedding

He went to the doctor and the doctor used cardboard to make a splint for it. He said don't take it off until right before intercourse.

After the wedding he's finally alone with his bride.she said " you're the first person to touch my titts"
He replied " and my dick is still in the box "

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

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Wedding night (slightly offensive to kangaroos)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entir...

Wedding anniversary gifts can be pricey: 5 year celebration gift is Silverware, 15 years are Rubies and Pearls are 30. Now, at 31 years there is finally one I can get behind,

we're going to Baskin-Robbins.

What does a redditor say before giving their wedding ring back to their dead wife on the day of her funeral ?

*It will propably get buried but...*

What does the best man at a French wedding do?

Make French Toast!!!..

Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire ...

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding

We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married

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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

Golden Wedding Secret

A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was...

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside.

“Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”

So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.

Then, one night, while they are in b...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

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What is a food that, if eaten by women, could lower their sex drive by up to 90%?

Wedding cake

A LITTLE girl was at a wedding with her parents.

Slightly confused after the nuptials, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” asked the mother, perplexed.

“Well,” the little girl said, “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

wedding night

A christian man and a christian woman get married.

The problem is, they're too christian, they don't know what to do at the wedding night.

So the man asks his father about it, his father says: 'Well...you just use your hardest body part and bump where she pee.'

The next day the ...

What do you call an interrupted wedding at a shooting range?

Near Mrs.

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The groom returns to his room before the wedding

The groom returns to his room before the wedding and says to his groomsmen "I just got the *BEST* blowjob of my life and it came from the girl I'm about to marry!" High fives were had all around.

The bride returns to her room and say to her bridesmaids "I just gave my last blowjob!"

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

I was the Best man at my friend's second wedding

"Welcome back everyone!" was not a good opening to the speech I guess

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

What is the two best part of a wedding?

The playing of the organ and the coming of the bride.

What were Anakin and Padme watching on their wedding night?

The rise of Skywalker.

Wedding Nerves

Girl was about to get married, but was very nervous. She told the pastor she was too nervous to go in front of all the people to marry her soon to be husband. The Pastor told her to look straight down the aisle at the altar, and listen to the hymn. The ceremony started, so she started repeating it o...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw i...

[At a wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me.

Priest, to bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

Two antennas got married

The wedding was ok, but the reception was amazing.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.

At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The o...

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Did you hear about the Russian pyromaniac bartender at the Jewish wedding?

The specialty drink of the evening was the mazeltov cocktail.

It was freezing that day and I prayed for snow at my wedding...

Never happened but I got 8 inches on my honey moon.

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A guy died of heart attack a few hours after his wedding vows.

His wife wanted dick so bad that she cut the penis off her man's body, filled it with cement & hung it on the bedroom wall.

Every night she used to go to the wall & get herself satisfied.

A neighbour once came for condolences and noticed the thing hanging and realized what's go...

Went to an antivaxxers wedding last week. Beautiful ceremony and chilled people

The "till death us do part" vow seemed unnecessary to me though.

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A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey:



A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey.

After the ceremony, everyone returns to their own place and the newly wed couple are returning to theirs.

While on their way, the Monkey suddenly appears and shouts:

"Hey you ...

Wedding gift

Wife: are you serious? This is your wedding gift for our 30 year marrige?
Me over walkie tolkie: you didnt say over.over.

My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding.

We should have just hired a photographer.

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like t...

An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.

"Saree", said the other guest.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me: "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day

The reception was much better

As a child I hated going to weddings.

All the old aunts would grab my cheek and whisper in a conspiring voice "You're next."

They only stopped saying it when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

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At a wedding last week, my wife said: ‘Isn’t the bride beautiful?‘ When I responded by saying, ‘Yeah, but her blowjobs aren’t half as good as yours‘, she got all pissed off.

Women — they can’t take a compliment!

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Why did the melon have a shotgun wedding?

Because she can’t elope.

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

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In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

TIFU by telling my dad his girlfriend cheated on him.

In all fairness, I could’ve sent the wedding invitations through the mail instead...

Want to hear a wedding joke?

I do.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

My 60 year old rich friend is getting married and throws a big wedding reception

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?


“Simple,” smiling he said, “I faked my age"


His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her


"Well", he replied.  "I said I was...

Everybody thought I wouldn't do a good job of being an usher at my brother's wedding.

I guess I put a lot of people in their place.

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her...

"And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

One day, Little Johnny is sitting in class when the teacher asks a question.

“Okay class, if 5 birds are sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many are left?”

Little Johnny gets super excited that he knows the answer to this one and raises his hand. The teacher points to Little Johnny and asks him what the answer is. Johnny says “0, cause’ if you shoot ...

(OC) What’s the opposite of a shotgun wedding?

A coathanger divorce

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

I recently went to a nudist wedding...

It was easy to see who was the best man.

What do you call small handcuffs?

Wedding rings!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave.

What does the date on the wedding ring mean?

- Best before.

(My first post)

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

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JOHN on his wedding night

JOHN on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

_"KISS MY ASS."_

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My wife told me the best sex she ever had was on our wedding night.

Which explains why she showed up so late.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake

It just takes more commitment

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My fiance told me she wouldn't have sex with me until our wedding night

I said fine, then I'll become mute and not talk to you until then too. After a couple of days of going on like that we struck a compromise through back door communications

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It’s the night of a couples 70th wedding anniversary

The wife wants to do something special for the husband. She says “I’ll be right back” and runs into the bathroom, strips down, and puts a cape on. She come out of the room and says “super pussy!” The husband responds, “ill have the soup”

Did you hear about Antonio Brown's wedding?

He got cold feet.

Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day?

Because an open casket ceremony costs more

The day before my wedding, my dad sat me down and said, “Before you get married tomorrow, consider the following carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...”

“And on the other hand, you don’t.”

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

There's really 3 rings for a wedding....

The engagement ring, the wedding ring..... and the suffering.

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Eleventh Husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales represen...

I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding

Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I...

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