This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary ...

They rent the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. The wife undresses and says, "25 years ago, when you first saw me naked, what were you thinking?" The husband says, "I was thinking that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

"And what are you thinking right no...

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.

As you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Him: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.

Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

I was at the store when I overheard a woman ask another woman “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The woman replied “Yes I am. I married the wrong man.”

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

69

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."

So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"...

Polish wedding surprise?

What did the Polish Man give his wife on their wedding night that was long & hard?


A: His last name....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Palestinian bartenders serve at jewish weddings?

Mazel-tov cocktails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

Why do brides cry at the wedding ?

Because they never marry the best man !

Planning what do dress for a wedding...

I offer my friend one of my tuxedos, he denies.

-Alright, suit yourself...

Melons really got screwed with restrictions on big weddings this year. They can't just go off and get hitched on their own...

...because they cantaloupe.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

What do you call the wedding ring your dog ate?

A diamond in the ruff.

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding Anniversary

*Two old friends were talking*

"When I and my wife made 25 years of marriage I took her on a trip to Japan"

"Really? And what are you going to do to celebrate your 50 years wedding anniversary?"

"I'm bringing her back"

Why are weddings cheaper in Alabama?

Because they get family discounts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Bruce Jenner tell Kris Jenner on their wedding night ?

I want your sex.

Why did the melons have such an expensive wedding?

Because they canteloupe.

The wedding

was so beautiful everyone in the audience cried.

Even the cake was in tiers.

A man and a woman were driving on their way to their wedding when they got in an accident and were both killed instantly.

Now they're both up at the pearly gates, and they say to St. Peter, "We were just about to get married, do you think we can have our wedding in heaven?" St. Peter says, "I don't know, wait here and I'll go find a priest and ask him." So the couple is sitting there on a bench, waiting and waiting for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A week before the wedding the groom had penis accident

So doctor told him that he has to put bandage on it for at least 1 week exactly

Guy started to worry how's he going to explain to his wife-to-be what happened so he decided to come up with something

When their first night together came his wife said

"Do you see my boobs? No one ...

Attended my russian Friends wedding

It was quite a soviet union

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

There was a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary by having a round of golf together as was their weekly custom since they had met.

The husband was set to tee off as his wife was waiting for her turn in the cart.

"You know honey?" the husband said. "I have a confessions to make. Years ago, after we were first married, i had an affair. It did not last long but i never told you and i wanted to tell you now."

His wif...

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son of an Indian Maharaja visits his father the day before his wedding

"Hello father", he says, "I have to admit that I am quite nervous for tomorrow". The Mahajara laughs and says: "Don't you worry, my son, everything is been taken care of. You just sit back and enjoy the day". The son looks hesitantly and answers: "I'm more nervous for the wedding night. You see, I'v...

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:

"How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

I love dances at weddings ...

Especially since I'm not a great dancer. Most of the songs tell you what to do. Like when they play "Do The Twist," you twist. They play "Jump Around", you jump around ... There was, however, that unfortunate night I got kicked out when the DJ played "Come On Eileen."

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

50th Wedding Anniversary

An elderly couple is about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary

The wife says “We should do something special to celebrate. How about we have breakfast in the nude like we used to?”

The husband agrees and the next morning they are seated at the table buck naked.

The wif...

I have never been to an ant wedding

But I have seen an antelope.

What's the first ritual of a cannibal wedding?

Toast the bride and groom

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A typical MACHO man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a ...

My wife and I just celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary

My wife says it's the best 10 years of her life...

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:<...

A guy is at a wedding looking for something to drink.

He looks around the main area for an open bar or something similar, yet he can’t find anything.

“Hmm weird” he thinks to himself, “you’d think they would serve drinks at these type of events”

Suddenly he realizes he just saw a guy with a drink in his hand, so he goes up to him and ask...

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

Old people always poke me at weddings and say: “you’re next”

So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals

It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card.

But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

A man is going to a wedding and tells his friend he will be wearing a kilt.

"What's the tartan?" his friend asks.


"She's just gonna wear a dress"

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than the school shooting?

The royal wedding doesn’t happen every week.

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door

Today is my parents 44th wedding anniversary! And all I can think it is…

Why did they get married so many times?

People always pointed at me and said "You're Next!" whenever there was a wedding

So I started doing the same to them whenever I met them during funerals



-An old joke, hopefully made you giggle if you hadn't heard it

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

It’s ironic that “rain on your wedding day” is a poor example of irony.

And a “free ride when you’ve already paid” isn’t any better.

Wedding anniversary gifts can be pricey: 5 year celebration gift is Silverware, 15 years are Rubies and Pearls are 30. Now, at 31 years there is finally one I can get behind,

we're going to Baskin-Robbins.

How do you call the best man at Jesus's wedding?

>!A Jehova Witness!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night (slightly offensive to kangaroos)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entir...

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire ...

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

I just read the most amazing book about a Moroccan wedding officiant.

It's called *The Moor, the Marrier*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet flower on the wedding

We have to figure out how we continue dating if she gets married

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man...

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, "Pedro! What is that?"

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these."
...

What’s the best way to ruin a wedding?

Don’t know, I didn’t go to mine.

Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food.

Wedding Cake.

Put-the-fork-down and walk away...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

The ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

Golden Wedding Secret

A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was...

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside.

“Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”

So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.

Then, one night, while they are in b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

A man walks into a strange new store and asks the owner, "How much for this torture device?"

The owner replies, "Sir, that's a wedding ring."

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

A young girl comes homes and excitedly says to her mother: “mom! I’m in love!”

Her mother replies: “that’s great, sweetheart! What’s his name?”

“Nicos”, the daughter says.

“NICOS?!” the mother cries out. “A Greek? Sweetie, you know the Greek are a special people...”

“I don’t want to hear it!” The daughter responds. “I love him and we are getting married n...

A man and a woman are just a few days from getting married.

Naturally, the man’s a bit frisky, but the woman wants to wait until their wedding night.

“Come on!” Says the man over and over, but the woman refuses.

So two nights before the wedding, the man says, “Alright, how about I just stick the tip in? It doesn’t really count. Plus you get an ...

Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?

The wedding was held in the spring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Joke

So there I was, right in the middle of this Wedding, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’ve been to many weddings before, but this particular one I will never forget...

As I closely paid attention to the soon to be man and wife, a joke that I heard the day before randomly crossed my mind. The ...

wedding night

A christian man and a christian woman get married.

The problem is, they're too christian, they don't know what to do at the wedding night.

So the man asks his father about it, his father says: 'Well...you just use your hardest body part and bump where she pee.'

The next day the ...

Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

A LITTLE girl was at a wedding with her parents.

Slightly confused after the nuptials, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” asked the mother, perplexed.

“Well,” the little girl said, “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

What is the two best part of a wedding?

The playing of the organ and the coming of the bride.

Nobody warn you about the 3 rings of marriage.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

I had a girl once ask me what the difference is between a come on and come in....

She said it was a wedding ring.

I watched the Hindu version of How I Met Your Mother...

There's just one episode about the wedding.

What do you call an interrupted wedding at a shooting range?

Near Mrs.

In my line of work, I manage to upset people on both sides of the aisle.

So yeah, I might not be the best wedding planner.

What were Anakin and Padme watching on their wedding night?

The rise of Skywalker.

I was the Best man at my friend's second wedding

"Welcome back everyone!" was not a good opening to the speech I guess

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.