What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

There‘s one less drunk.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave.

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Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

Aunts pestering me at weddings

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, *“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”*


We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

How can you tell it's a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mom is.

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A man was arrested for driving over a crowd in a wedding

The case detective drew out a cigar, then began dragging.

"Why did you do that?"

"You see, detective... the matter's *much* more complicated. A guy was standing on the left side of the road, and the wedding was on my right. Since there was no other way, which would you have gone for?"<...

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same...

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

On Bill and Hillary’s wedding night

On Bill and Hillary's wedding night, Bill said " I'll always be truthful to you Hillary, but promise you'll never open this shoebox.

Thinking it's a strange request, Hillary agreed that she never would.

On their 30th anniversary, she stumbles upon the box. Having kept her promise for ...

On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me.

Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.

I think for a moment

Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.

Dad: exactly.

Two satellite dishes had a wedding,

The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was INCREDIBLE.

The Wedding Day

A man with a southern drawl and a French woman are at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. "Do you take this woman to be your wife" asks the minister. "Adieu" the man replies.

What do you get when you combine a wedding and a funeral?

Two funerals

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

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Rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary...

Every year, they meet on Madison Avenue to shop for their wives.

So poor man says to the rich man, "what did ya get your wife this year"? Rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring and brand new Benz".

Poor man says, "well what did you get them both for?" Rich man says, "if she does...

Why do melons have weddings?

...Because they cantaloupe.

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

Best part of an Alabamian wedding?

Can also double as a family reunion.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

60 years old Millionaire gets married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amaz...

I enjoy watching my wedding video backwards

My favorite part is when I take off the wedding ring and go back home moonwalking

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

What is the difference between a Russian funeral and a Russian wedding?

At the start of a funeral there's already one person who has drunk themselves to death.

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My wedding night with my wife was awkward...

When we undressed I told her she was beautiful and looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She told me it looked like my hard on was trying to ask my butt a question.

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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me..

Groom: After me..

Priest (turning to bride): Is this guy serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong...

She told me she was going to kill me...

It was a thinly veiled threat.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

What is Frodo Baggins’ least favorite thing about weddings?

Being asked to be the ring bearer

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On his 25th wedding anniversary, a man asks his wife if she ever cheated on him

"I've cheated on you three times" she says.

"When was the first?" he asks

"Well, remember 20 years ago when you wanted to start your business but no bank would give you a loan, then miraculously one bank did? It was no miracle. I fucked the bank manager."

The husband said "Well,...

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

Why did Helen of troy hate her wedding cake

It was to Menilayas

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

*“Well officer, it’s customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man Paddy when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could smack bang between my legs.”*...

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your ph...

Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he’d be making.

He said “I want to bake three.”

The CEO proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night many years back.

The General Manager next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on 1st night.

All turned towards a fresher Clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night.

The Clerk replied: Only once Sir!

The CEO laughed n asked WHY?

The Clerk replied: My...

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

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One day at work some friends were talking about the sex they had on their wedding night.

First friend said ‘oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.’

Second said ‘that’s nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted’

They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once...

What did the Muslim man say to his wife on their wedding day?

A. I'm so happy you managed to get the day off school today

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

Why are wedding dresses white

So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

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What's the difference between a bull and a band that plays at weddings?

On the bull, the horns are in front and the asshole is in the back.

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driv...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

...But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India...

and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.

"Sari", said the othe...

The three rings of marriage are engagement ring, wedding ring and...

The Suffering

How can you tell you’re at a traditional Arkansas wedding?

No one has to tell the bride “welcome to the family”.

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

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NSFW On the day of her wedding, the girl asked her Mom

"Teach me how to make my husband happy" Mom replied " When two people love each other very much, making love is natural..."
Girl interrupts impatiently " I know how to fuck! Tell me how to make great chili dogs"

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Ole wakes up one morning, remembering that it's his and Lena's 25th wedding anniversary.

Ole punches Lena in the arm. Lena awakes and asks, "What was that for?" Ole says, "That's for 25 years of bad sex!" Lena then punches Ole in the arm. Ole asks, "Why did you hit me?" Lena says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

Wedding Same Day As Superbowl! Help Requested:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super bowl in Atlanta. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn’t realize when he bought the tickets that it is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St....

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

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Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storm...

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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

Why did the fruit have such an elaborate wedding?

Because it cantaloupe

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

I like weddings in Alabama...

I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!

A couple is about to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.

The old man goes down to a lingerie store and picks out a sheer little number for his wife.

At home after their anniversary dinner, he gives her the lingerie and tells her to go try it on.

The old lady goes into the bathroom to change, but then says to herself, "That old fart is blind ...

Q: Why does a bride wear white on her wedding day?

A: So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the oven.

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What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake.

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

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A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.



His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

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Mabel and Irving have their 50th wedding anniversary

... And at the beginning of their marriage 50 years before, they had both solemnly sworn to each other to provide the other with a desired sexual favor on their 50th anniversary, no questions asked. Irving, being pushy, insists on getting his favor first. He knows his wife is a prude so whatever she...

The marriage of Charles and Diana was doomed from their wedding night....

...that's when Diana discovered that not all rulers are 12" long.

Bobby farted at his wedding...

He then felt very embarrassed and prayed to god so he could sleep for one hundred years so everyone would forget this embarrassment..

Bob woke up 100 years later and went to the market to buy food.

When he paid with a coin, the shopkeeper was very surprised. He said:

"Oh my god....

I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding

So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates.

Me - How much to hire a singing group?
EPC - Oh, you mean a choir?
Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ?

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

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Virgin on his wedding night

A virgin and his new bride are alone on their wedding night. They are in bed fooling around and after about an hour the new bride gets worried that her husband has yet to remove her underwear. She asks him don't you want to touch me down there. Oh no he replies I cannot touch down there, my mother a...

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Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of th...

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

I used to hate going to weddings

Remember when you’d go to a wedding and all the old dears and grannies would come up to you - they’d start poking you in the ribs with their pointy fingers and say ‘you’re next, you’re next’ with a big grin on their face...

Well I put an end to all of that - I started doing the same thing bac...

What's a terrible thing to say, when you miss someone's wedding?

"Sorry, I'll try to be there next time."

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for ...

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