A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his

We were maid for each other

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic

But jokes on him, he's not real

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

My roommate seems to think that our house is haunted

I've been living here for the past 200 years and haven't noticed anything.

Abby's roommate had a blind date.

"How did it go?" Abby asked her.

"Terrible!"she answered. "He showed up in a 1950 Rolls Royce."

"Wow!" remarked Abby. "That's a very expensive car. He must be very rich. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

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How do you tell if your roommate is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

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When I was in college my roommate accused me of stealing his clothes

I was so worried I nearly pooped his pants

What's the difference between a roommate and a cat?

One has a house mate, and the other has a mouse hate.

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower.

He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

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Here’s a joke I heard my blind roommate say.

A friend of hers was arguing with her about something, so she says, “sorry, could you help me find all the fucks I give?”

Her friend says, “What?”

My roommate whips off her sunglasses and says, “Because I can’t see them!”

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

My roommate: "What's a shrug?"

Me: *shrugs*

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling

Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

My roommate keeps leaving the fridge open.

Had to tell her it's not cool at all.

If you can have any dead person as a Quarantine roommate which one would you have?

A: The one who is just a skeleton cause a decomposing corpse would make the whole house smell.

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Dyslexic Sex Terminator looking for roommate.

Live with me if you want to come.

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

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I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy.

I said "Are you fucking nuts".

He replied, "They're actually legumes".

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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A bad joke

A guy finds a genie and says his wish is to fuck a goddess in a golden garden. He gets it, has some awkward sex in a lush garden with golden plants and teleports back to the genie. He then realised his mistake and asks the samething as a second wish. This time, before the goddess appears, he starts ...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

My girlfriend's roommate wouldn't let me redo their bathroom tiles.

What a caulk block.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

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Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

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So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating

And he was like, "dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!"

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I tried convincing my roommate to masturbate while hula hooping. He wasn't a fan of the idea

But I think he'll come around.

I think my new roommate is learning a new language using post-its.

I think that's why he is acting really strange lately.

It's a pretty strange language, though. Every food item is called "Frank."

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

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What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

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I returned home to see a black man in my living room demanding money

My roommate always likes to collect rent on schedule

My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

My roommate was playing a video game last night and when he died he completely smashed his keyboard...

yeah, he definitely lost Control.

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

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TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.

"Why are you masturbating?," he asked.

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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet

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I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

So I asked my roommate to put in an order for a dishwasher but I spelled it as "dishwatcher"

Now there's a man in my kitchen watching me wash dishes by hand

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

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I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

Quarantine would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't stuck in a room with my least favorite person.

I should get roommates.

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

My roommate is an underwearwolf.

Every full moon, he puts on clothes.

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

If Apple and Microsoft were people and also roommates:

Mac: "Mike! Stop installing windows in the god damn walls!"

My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a "hall pass", just in case we ever met that person.

I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor.

My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

I hate living with my Australian roommate

He’s turning my world upside down.

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

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My roommate Ted just accused me of stealing from his drug stash.

I said, “I am not a dick, Ted.”

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

If you carpool with roommates...

they are vroommates

Two elderly, female roommates are sitting alone again one night.

One huffs at the other. “Can I be frank with you?” The other says; “Sure, as long as I get to be Frank tomorrow.”

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I used to live with a closet-gay roommate.

Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away.

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