My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

What makes Pokémon such terrible roommates?

Some of them pikachu

My roommate cannot remember if he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

My roommate is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

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What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

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Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

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My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

My roommate has major FOMO that he doesn't have any GameStop stock that he can sell

...so I offered to lend him some, of course he'd have to give it back to me eventually

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A college freshman is moving into his dorm room.

His father is helping him move in when they meet his new roommate.

His new roommate, with a heavy Southern accent, is very friendly: with a big smile he asks,

"Where y'all from?"

The freshman and his dad sneer at him, and the freshman says,

"We are from a place where we d...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?

They just give aloha!



Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard

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I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate Jones entered the room

"I'm indiana jones! Get out!"

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

My roommate thinks i'm crazy

Jokes on him i don't have a roommate.

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic

But jokes on him, he's not real

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

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I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

I emptied my lemonade bottle down the drain and filled it with my urine, in hopes of catching my roommate in the act.

I learned the following morning that I had the uncanny ability of sleep-drinking.

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How do you tell if your roommate is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit

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Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

My college roommate was a dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic...

He’d stay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

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Here’s a joke I heard my blind roommate say.

A friend of hers was arguing with her about something, so she says, “sorry, could you help me find all the fucks I give?”

Her friend says, “What?”

My roommate whips off her sunglasses and says, “Because I can’t see them!”

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

Now That's A Good Date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a ...

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

My roommate: "What's a shrug?"

Me: *shrugs*

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower.

He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

Ah.. chemistry!

My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.

Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!

Me: K

Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

What's the difference between a roommate and a cat?

One has a house mate, and the other has a mouse hate.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

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Dyslexic Sex Terminator looking for roommate.

Live with me if you want to come.

What do you call a woman that bounces from one guy to the next?

Tramp pauline!

Context:Thought of this after sleeping with my roommate whom I slept with before she starting sleeping with the other roommate...

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

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What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

My roommate keeps leaving the fridge open.

Had to tell her it's not cool at all.

If you can have any dead person as a Quarantine roommate which one would you have?

A: The one who is just a skeleton cause a decomposing corpse would make the whole house smell.

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So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating

And he was like, "dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!"

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

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I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy.

I said "Are you fucking nuts".

He replied, "They're actually legumes".

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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet

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Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

My girlfriend's roommate wouldn't let me redo their bathroom tiles.

What a caulk block.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

A short story about my roommate Joseph.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

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TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.

"Why are you masturbating?," he asked.

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

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I tried convincing my roommate to masturbate while hula hooping. He wasn't a fan of the idea

But I think he'll come around.

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I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

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There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

I think my new roommate is learning a new language using post-its.

I think that's why he is acting really strange lately.

It's a pretty strange language, though. Every food item is called "Frank."

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I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

My roommate was playing a video game last night and when he died he completely smashed his keyboard...

yeah, he definitely lost Control.

"you have to go to college"

**SON:** but why though?

"to be able get nice things *[shows him my watch]* you see this?"

**SON:** yeah?

"I stole this from my roommate, freshman year"

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

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