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Roommate Jokes

My college roommate got a pet parrot. That damn thing won’t ever shut up.

The parrot is cool though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite their friend Mary over for drinks. They are drinking wine and having a great time, when Mary spills her drink on her shirt. Mary asks Beth if she could borrow one of her tops. Beth laughs and says “you’d never fit in one of my shirts, you’re the size of a dinosaur!Try...

My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries..

Totally ruined our bath.

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three roommates were getting ready to go on dates

The first guy says, “Boys, my date’s name is Kissy, so I’m at least getting to make out with her tonight!”

The second guy says, “By that logic, I’m getting way more than that! My date’s name is Kitty, so I’m getting some pussy tonight!”

They both laughed until they saw the third roomma...

My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic.

Joke's on him, I don’t have a roommate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate asked me if I wanted to go with her to her yoga class..

..but I was like, "namaste."

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

"He was the original owner!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

My roommate said the coffee tasted like dirt

Well, it was ground this morning

I asked my roommate what he was doing

He said “I was peeing,” so I said “well that’s weird, I didn’t hear you pee” and he quickly responded by saying “That’s because I’m like a pterodactyl!” Confused, I said “How are you like a pterodactyl?”

“Because the P in me is silent!”

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

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How do you know if your roommate is gay?

his dick tastes like shit

My roommate was mad I woke him up at 3am but he forgot something important

He hadn't taken his sleeping pills.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

A man had pen-pals all across the Caribbean.

He had one friend in in Cuba and many all across Jamaica. One day the Cuban is traveling abroad near the man's home and asks if he can stop by for dinner while he's there. The man thinks this is a fantastic idea and starts cooking when his roommate walks in.
"Hey, what's up?"
"One of my pen-pa...

I was about to proposeto my girlfriend...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your roommate knocks while you're masturbating..

"Would you just let me be an alien and cum in peace?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

A girl returned back from her blind date, her roommate asked how was it ?

"it was lousy, he kept talking about how we can head back to his house to see the 1956 Ferrari 250GT."

" Wow,must be a rich guy "

"Yeah, and he was also the original owner".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

What makes Pokémon such terrible roommates?

Some of them pikachu

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

My roommate thinks our house is haunted. Nonsense.

I've lived here for 219 years and never noticed anything strange.

Every morning, my roommate wakes up, smokes a joint, and then throws it at me.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma.

Why do ducks make for awful roommates?

They are always high on quack.

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

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I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate Jones entered the room

"I'm indiana jones! Get out!"

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s a joke I heard my blind roommate say.

A friend of hers was arguing with her about something, so she says, “sorry, could you help me find all the fucks I give?”

Her friend says, “What?”

My roommate whips off her sunglasses and says, “Because I can’t see them!”

My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

I emptied my lemonade bottle down the drain and filled it with my urine, in hopes of catching my roommate in the act.

I learned the following morning that I had the uncanny ability of sleep-drinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating

And he was like, "dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!"

My roommate has major FOMO that he doesn't have any GameStop stock that he can sell

...so I offered to lend him some, of course he'd have to give it back to me eventually

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower.

He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dyslexic Sex Terminator looking for roommate.

Live with me if you want to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.

"Why are you masturbating?," he asked.

My college roommate was a dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic...

He’d stay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

Caught my Vegan roommate...

Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling

What's the difference between a roommate and a cat?

One has a house mate, and the other has a mouse hate.

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

My roommate keeps leaving the fridge open.

Had to tell her it's not cool at all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just asked my blind roommate to tell me what something said in Braille,

I didn't realize a lego brick said "Fuck You"

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy.

I said "Are you fucking nuts".

He replied, "They're actually legumes".

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

A prudish mother visits her adult daughter

Her daughter was living in an apartment with a young man, and she did not approve of her living situation. The daughter picked up the mother from the airport, and brought her home. The mother carefully looked around the house. Two bedrooms, one clearly the daughter's, and one clearly belonging to...

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