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Roommate Jokes

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.

Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

What do you call it when Will’s roommate finds out she’s not pregnant?

A Grace period.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite their friend Mary over for drinks. They are drinking wine and having a great time, when Mary spills her drink on her shirt. Mary asks Beth if she could borrow one of her tops. Beth laughs and says “you’d never fit in one of my shirts, you’re the size of a dinosaur!Try...

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

My college roommate got a pet parrot. That damn thing won’t ever shut up.

The parrot is cool though.

My roommate said the coffee tasted like dirt

Well, it was ground this morning

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted. Nonsense.

I've lived here for 219 years and never noticed anything strange.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

I asked my roommate what he was doing

He said “I was peeing,” so I said “well that’s weird, I didn’t hear you pee” and he quickly responded by saying “That’s because I’m like a pterodactyl!” Confused, I said “How are you like a pterodactyl?”

“Because the P in me is silent!”

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your roommate knocks while you're masturbating..

"Would you just let me be an alien and cum in peace?

What makes Pokémon such terrible roommates?

Some of them pikachu

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate asked me if I wanted to go with her to her yoga class..

..but I was like, "namaste."

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

Caught my Vegan roommate...

Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?"

I said "No it doesn't."

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I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

My roommate Joseph

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dyslexic Sex Terminator looking for roommate.

Live with me if you want to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating

And he was like, "dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!"

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

My roommate keeps leaving the fridge open.

Had to tell her it's not cool at all.

My college roommate was a dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic...

He’d stay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s a joke I heard my blind roommate say.

A friend of hers was arguing with her about something, so she says, “sorry, could you help me find all the fucks I give?”

Her friend says, “What?”

My roommate whips off her sunglasses and says, “Because I can’t see them!”

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

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TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.

"Why are you masturbating?," he asked.

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

My roommate is an underwearwolf.

Every full moon, he puts on clothes.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

Every morning, my roommate wakes up, smokes a joint, and then throws it at me.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

A girl returned back from her blind date, her roommate asked how was it ?

"it was lousy, he kept talking about how we can head back to his house to see the 1956 Ferrari 250GT."

" Wow,must be a rich guy "

"Yeah, and he was also the original owner".

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

[Original] Boston roommate.

My roommate's from Boston. This morning, he's still in the house after I got up.

"Aren't you late for work?", I asked.

"Yeah, I'm looking for my khakis"

"Look for them when you get back"

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to get in my car?"

I hate living with my Australian roommate

He’s turning my world upside down.

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

If you carpool with roommates...

they are vroommates

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started getting heated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate Jones entered the room

"I'm indiana jones! Get out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?

No! Of course not!

Then why did you write that in your diary!

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

My girlfriend's roommate wouldn't let me redo their bathroom tiles.

What a caulk block.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

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