A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

What do you pay a babysitter?

The Nanny McFee

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

I found a babysitter who works in an owl costume

She's a hootin'-nanny

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?

Can’t unscrew the babysitter

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

What do you call a thick Indian babysitter?

Naany

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

Why does Dj Khaled’s son have a babysitter?

He never plays himself

My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter...

I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Why did Superboy never need a babysitter?

He always had super vision.

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What do you call 2 Japanese babysitters?

Nanni?!

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A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and there's a man he's never seen before sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. The little boy asks, "Are you my new babysitter?"

"No, I'm your new motherfucker."

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.

And calling you a "home intruder".

I asked the babysitter how our son had behaved.

She said, "He's been fine, I haven't seen him since he went out for a walk."

How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

She swallowed

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."

"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.

"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl has the most diseases."

Sho...

What's the worst part of being a babysitter when a kid pees on the floor?

Urine Charge.

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Looking for a flexible babysitter.

My girlfriend only does missionary.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

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Little Johnny and Babysitter.

Olga,the babysitter was having a tough time to control the naughty Little Johnny and she was finally relieved when he was ready to sleep as she wanted to study for her college majors.

After tucking him in Little Johnny asks " can you please sleep with me till I get sleep ?".

His babys...

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

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A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?”

Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”

Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”

“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

My wife got mad at me for taking the kids to the fire-station.

Apparently a babysitter would be a less permanent solution...

What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

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The story of Mr. Smiley….

There was a nice family of three, a mother, a daughter, and a father. Occasionally, the mother and father would go out on date nights, leaving their daughter at home with a babysitter. The parents would always get a female babysitter, but one day they couldn’t find any female babysitters in the ar...

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Two kids go into a dining room and see there a man they've never seen before.

They ask him: "Are you our new babysitter?"

He responds: "No, I'm your new motherfucker."

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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A kid asks his dad about how politics work

His father explains: Well my son, look at it this way. It is split into five main sections: The people, the government, the economic power, the future of the country and the working class.



Son: I don't understand



Father: Think of it this way: I am the one who earns all ...

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.

The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.

The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going t...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the do...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them hav...

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a dead frog on a leash

little Johny goes walking down the street with a flat frog on a leash.
He goes straight to a brothel and says, "I need a women"
The house mistress is clearly not buying this boy.
"are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"I've got the money and I'm not leaving until I get what a came ...

So I found out this guy was literally throwing my throw pillows.

I really regret hiring him as my babysitter.

03:00 doorbell

Ding-dong, Ding dong! I rolled over to look at the clock: three in the morning.

"Oh no! Something terrible must have happened!" said my wife.

I dragged myself out of bed, fumbled around to find a robe, and went downstairs. I opened the door, to find a disheveled stranger.

"H...

I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every...

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Dragging a dead frog

A thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog along behind him by a piece of string. He approaches the head mistress and says, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." She looks at him bewildered and begins to say that he's a bit too young for this when h...

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw h...

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Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

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Herpes

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home a...

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

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Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she p...

A little girl walks in on her mom going down on her dad...

"Mommy? what are you doing?" The girl asks. "Well.. um.. you know your dad's beer belly? I was letting some air out of it so it won't be so big." The little girl laughs. "Awww. Don't bother. The babysitter is just going to blow it right back up again!"

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A young girl is babysitting a 2 year old...

The girl has to go to the bathroom. The little boy being curious goes into the bathroom just as she's finishing up and sees her private parts. Seeing that they're different from his, the boy asks her "What's that?" Unable to think of a good lie the babysitter says, "It's my vagina." The boy then n...

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