UPJOKE
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Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

When i was little i wanted to be a babysitter

but then i got a baby sister.

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

What do you call an adult babysitter?

A bartender

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...

...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

Why did Clark Kent never have a babysitter?

Because he had super vision.

What do you pay a babysitter?

The Nanny McFee

My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter...

I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.

And calling you a "home intruder".

lil Jimmy asks and answers

Lil Jimmy asks mommy "why were you doing bouncing up and down on Daddys stomach last night..?

Mommy says "I have to do that Lil Jimmy it helps keep daddy skinny or else he gets real fat.."

Lil Jimmy says "well thats not going to work.."

and mommy asks "well why not...?"

a...

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?

Can’t unscrew the babysitter

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

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A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and there's a man he's never seen before sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. The little boy asks, "Are you my new babysitter?"

"No, I'm your new motherfucker."

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Little Johnny and Babysitter.

Olga,the babysitter was having a tough time to control the naughty Little Johnny and she was finally relieved when he was ready to sleep as she wanted to study for her college majors.

After tucking him in Little Johnny asks " can you please sleep with me till I get sleep ?".

His babys...

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

She swallowed

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

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Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."

"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.

"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl has the most diseases."

Sho...

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her

until I put the last piece over her mouth.

Little boy asks his mom

Little boy. Mommy why were you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach last night?

Mother. Well if I didn't do that that he would get fat.

Little boy. Well it'll never work Mommy.

Mother. Why is that.

Little boy. Cuz after you bounce up and down in his stomach the babysit...

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

I asked the babysitter how our son had behaved.

She said, "He's been fine, I haven't seen him since he went out for a walk."

Looking for a flexible babysitter.

My girlfriend only does missionary.

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”

Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”

“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

What's the worst part of being a babysitter when a kid pees on the floor?

Urine Charge.

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

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A boy asks his mom, “When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?”

Mom: Daddy doesn’t have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

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Two kids go into a dining room and see there a man they've never seen before.

They ask him: "Are you our new babysitter?"

He responds: "No, I'm your new motherfucker."

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.

The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.

The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going t...

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw h...

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

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Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

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A kid asks his dad about how politics work

His father explains: Well my son, look at it this way. It is split into five main sections: The people, the government, the economic power, the future of the country and the working class.



Son: I don't understand



Father: Think of it this way: I am the one who earns all ...

My wife got mad at me for taking the kids to the fire-station.

Apparently a babysitter would be a less permanent solution...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every...

I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

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a dead frog on a leash

little Johny goes walking down the street with a flat frog on a leash.
He goes straight to a brothel and says, "I need a women"
The house mistress is clearly not buying this boy.
"are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"I've got the money and I'm not leaving until I get what a came ...

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Herpes

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home a...

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A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them hav...

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

A little girl walks in on her mom going down on her dad...

"Mommy? what are you doing?" The girl asks. "Well.. um.. you know your dad's beer belly? I was letting some air out of it so it won't be so big." The little girl laughs. "Awww. Don't bother. The babysitter is just going to blow it right back up again!"

03:00 doorbell

Ding-dong, Ding dong! I rolled over to look at the clock: three in the morning.

"Oh no! Something terrible must have happened!" said my wife.

I dragged myself out of bed, fumbled around to find a robe, and went downstairs. I opened the door, to find a disheveled stranger.

"H...

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Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she p...

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