Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

Astronaut Anne McClain was accused of identity theft and accessing private finance records while onboard the International Space Station....

I'm not sure what the gravity of situation is, but how off earth did she find the space to pull that off.

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

My finances are ok right now

0K* sorry

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Personal Finances is a good name for your porn folder

Until the tax man visits...and is a woman

All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."

"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"

"I'm the people. All I do...

So a guy buys a TV on finance from a local shop...

However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.

The warnings came to no avail. The guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to th...

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

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A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

I recently read a book by Donald Trump on finance

It had 9 chapter 11s.

How is the Night's Watch financed?

Via crowfunding

Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

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Did you hear about Vivaldi's finances?

He was one Baroque mother fucker

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Husband and wife are talking about finances...

Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

He asked me for my two cents.

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

Mike was a man who lived by himself

Though not exactly rich, he did well by himself, and worked hard and well at his job. One day, he received news that it looked like his business was going to be shut down. Mike worried about it, working harder, but his job closed just the same and, after a month out of work, he was low on finances...

British people are always recording their finances

because the camera adds ten pounds.

Family politics

A mother-in-law was welcoming her newly wed daughter-in-law and explaining the hierarchy:

"I am Vice President, Home Affairs Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house.

Your Father-in-law is the President, Defense and Security Minister and Foreign Affairs Minister.

My So...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

Studying finance is pretty easy...

...until you get to the class on sell buyology

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

The minister needed money.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute...

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notice...

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

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A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more tha...

Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 brutally beaten up 5 for sleeping with 6 and making her pregnant while her father 4, who was trying to help 6 finance her college dreams, but 8 was jealous and decided to frame 7 by hiring 5 as a gardener to sleep with 6 only to realize 7 was in love with 9 who was 8's twin sister.

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The 40 Year Old Virgin

A man grew up living a very sheltered life. For 40 years he lived in his mother's house, working his way through college. His mother's ambition was for him to become a doctor. He applied to medical school but wasn't accepted and had to settle for dental school.

Finally, he graduated open...

Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.

The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the ai...

Forty years after graduating, four friends from business school decide to have a reunion.

The first three arrive at the same time. As they wait for their fourth friend, they start talking, catching up on the years they missed. All of them have had careers, married, and had children who are themselves having careers.

"My son has been such a successful real estate businessman that h...

Someone once asked me what my favorite Donald Trump quote was...

Well it'd have to be this one:

“Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart —you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a ...

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Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... ver...

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A man goes to see a doctor

A man goes to see a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have an orange dick!" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm... I believe this is related to stress possibly caused by finances. You should sell your house. Move into a smaller place."
Two weeks later, the man returns to the doctor and sa...

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

An engineer major asks...

"How can we build this?"
A business major asks, "How can we finance this?"
A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...

Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...

My Wallet

No seriously, my finances are the joke.

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A man hears a voice from above...

The voice commands: "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again.

"NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY...

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Old man Finklestein is dying.

Old man Finklestein is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and had told no one but his dear wife, Sadie.

It is a week before the doctors told him he would kick the bucket, and he had straightened out his will and finances, so he decided to tell his best friend, Mr. Ginsberg.
<...

Three men die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes them and says, "Before you go in, I just need to mark down for my records how much money you made, and what you did as your profession while you were on Earth."

The first guy says, "I made ten million dollars a year." St. Peter says, "Wow, that's very ...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

John

After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know...

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A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...

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Hitler dies and ascends to be judged at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter steps out, the Book of Life under his arm, and sees Hitler standing there.

"Hitler? What, are you kidding me?" exclaims Peter.

"I know, I know" says Hitler, putting his hands up to calm the saint "but what you may not know is that in life I recognized the error of my ways and...

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