Anytime Jokes - 80 Hilarious Anytime Jokes

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Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.

Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment.

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Anytime someone goes into the stall next to me in a public bathroom, I just can’t go anymore.

I’m scared shitless.

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"

(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

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my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted

So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.

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I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.

She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.

Wait, hold on: "petrified".

Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

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It may strike anytime now

I threw a boomerang several years ago.
Now I live in constant fear

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The doctors said I could touch myself anytime I wanted to.

The dr, “you could have a stroke any time.”

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I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

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I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!

But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.

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Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

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Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

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Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

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Anytime a man holds the car door open for a woman, one thing is for sure,

either the car is new, or the woman.

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I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

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A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, ...

Anytime I have an anniversary, birthday or holiday I am reminded of the biggest joke of all

My life

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I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives

I will start a religious movement anytime now

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I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

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Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan

“No, Taken”

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Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

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I called the cops on two guys who were gonna start fighting anytime

Turns out they were just having a conversation in Italian

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A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

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As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree

He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”.

I replied “Fuck Off!” and took a swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

Anytime I bring something new in the house my dog always has to sniff and inspect what it is..

And I realized that dogs can be pretty nosy.

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My gf said to me the other day, “You should quit cussing.” I said, “No fucking way, it’s fun, plus I can stop anytime I want...

I swear.”

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My wife told me she would have sex with me anytime if I would do some work around the house on that day.

I took her up on her offer and the last 30 days of sex and home improvements I've replaced windows, painted inside and out, put in new flooring and updated the kitchen.

In a few weeks I'll be able to sell this place and move in with my girlfriend.

A man has 6 children and is...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as wel...

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One thing I realized is that most women are looking for security in their lives.

Anytime I approach one of them, I hear her yell out, “Security!”

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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My dad always used to say that, at the end of the day, the best part about lawyers and politicians was their heart.

And that it could stop anytime

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I must have a nice butt

Anytime I walk away from someone they whisper "what an ass"

America vs Russia

An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: “I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."

The Russian replies nonchal...

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Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is,

“You Can’t.”

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

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A man walks into a bar.

He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?'
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes, and says,
"I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my
place, doesn't matter."
"No shit,· he says. "What law firm do you wo...

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I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

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Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

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This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

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My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids, after all.

If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.

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I finally got my turn on Dall-E and wanted to give it a real challenge so I asked it to render a bilious pile of rancid garbage with no hope, joy or radiance whatsoever.

Bloody waste of my turn, I could’ve taken a selfie anytime.

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

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[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

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A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :

Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...

because I'm Nicholas.

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A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

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“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

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a professional pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."

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I am the biggest supporter of the LGBTQ community you'll ever find

Let's go buy tacos & quesadillas anytime!

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When I was a young boy I realized that my body is a temple

since clergymen felt they could enter anytime

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"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

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Here's a joke my dad came up with...

I just have to wait for him to get back from the store...

Edit: sorry it's taking so long. He should be here any minute.

Edit 2: still waiting

Edit 3: anytime now

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I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.

I yes.

When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.

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I’ve always wanted a motorcycle

My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.

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Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

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The handyman asked when he should come fix the hinges

I said anytime. The door's always open.

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A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

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What do I need a girlfriend for?

When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime?

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

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First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and ...

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The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?

Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytim...

A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband drinking from a shot glass at 7am...

Her:”A bit early to be drinking isn’t it?”
Him:”It’s tea”
Her:”What kind of tea do you drink from a shot glass?”
Him:”Tea-quilla”

From my 10 year old son.

Ps. I can stop drinking anytime I want.

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Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

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Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

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There are 3 phases of sex in a marriage.

1. First 5 years - House sex (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom sex (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway sex (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say ‘Fuck you’)

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

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Christmas Eve

It was December 24, Joseph and Mary had been travelling all day, in the evening they arrived at the town of Bethlehem. They stopped at the first inn, and Joseph went inside to get a room for the night. The innkeeper told him they were all full. So they went to the next inn down the road. It was ...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

Only one of them is happy to fuck you anytime.

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, ne...

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Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

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