The 106+ Best Sometime Jokes

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

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Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

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I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

Sometimes I have this dream about an ocean made from orange soda

It's a Fanta sea

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

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Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was g...

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A son catches his dad fucking his mom one night. He gets told by his dad to go back to bed with a nervous laugh. Dad goes to check up on his son after sometime only to find him fucking his grandmother.

Son says: Not so funny when it's your mother innit?

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

People sometimes mock me for having amnesia

It’s okay. My motto is forget about it and move on.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever.

We call those people cops around here.

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Sometimes I read text and think, what a psycho.

Then I press send.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch,

Yeti never complains.

Sometimes the punchline comes before the set up.

You know what is wrong with tcpip jokes?

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

Women sometimes make fools of men

But most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

Sometime, British people be like,"Hi, I'm Bri ish"

Its probably because they drank the "t"

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes I let her sleep.

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

Members of the archery club sometime meet at the cheese shop.

Just to shoot the Bries

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman

I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

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Sometime I get so sick of my large intestine.

It always gives me shit.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

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Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius

_______________________________

(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

What did Sea say to land when he asked if she wanted to meet up sometime

Shore

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

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Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.

But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"

"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women." she charged.

"You're being very unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by s...

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

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Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

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Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend.

She asks, "Why did you stop?"

I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

I think silence is the best answer sometimes. What do you think dad?

Dad: .....
Me: dad, what do you think?
Dad: .....

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

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Day off

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some ext...

Joke my dad sometimes tells u(normal in Spanish)

There was once a dog named Joke.

It was ran over and the Joke was over

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

What starts with w, sometimes starts with s, but never starts with n.

That is all

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