UPJOKE
pastonceonetimeerstwhileearlythentimeformerquondamwhenagoanytimesomedaytillshortly

Sometime Jokes

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
upvote downvote report

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from a Ford automobile joke book published by the Standard Thermometer Company sometime in the 1920s

Boob: They tell me that all Ford cars will be painted red next year.
Simp: How's that?
Boob: The State laws insist that any tin can made to carry gasoline must be painted red.

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.
upvote downvote report

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman
upvote downvote report

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I read a text and...

think to myself, "Jeeze what a freaking psycho!".







Then I hit send anyway.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.
upvote downvote report

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
upvote downvote report

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...
upvote downvote report

Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too
upvote downvote report

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions
upvote downvote report

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch,

Yeti never complains.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”
upvote downvote report

People sometimes mock me for having amnesia

It’s okay. My motto is forget about it and move on.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

Sometimes I have this dream about an ocean made from orange soda

It's a Fanta sea
upvote downvote report

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained
upvote downvote report

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server
upvote downvote report

Sometimes the punchline comes before the set up.

You know what is wrong with tcpip jokes?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes I let her sleep.
upvote downvote report

Women sometimes make fools of men

But most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.
upvote downvote report

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while
upvote downvote report

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.
upvote downvote report

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Sometime, British people be like,"Hi, I'm Bri ish"

Its probably because they drank the "t"
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!
upvote downvote report

Sometimes...

someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your pulse race and changes you forever...


We call them cops.

1312
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.
upvote downvote report

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius

_______________________________

(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)
upvote downvote report

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand...

...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"
upvote downvote report

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.
upvote downvote report

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometime I get so sick of my large intestine.

It always gives me shit.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”
upvote downvote report

Members of the archery club sometime meet at the cheese shop.

Just to shoot the Bries
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!
upvote downvote report

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I'm good at batting practice, sometimes I'm not

It's really hit or miss.
upvote downvote report

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman

I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone ...
upvote downvote report

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like an 's', but sometimes it isn't.

Source: Course
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask!

An 8 year old and a 6 year old sit down at the kitchen table to await breakfast, the older child has heard people swearing on t.v. and decides he wants to try it. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks him what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Can I have some god damn Cheerios?" SMACK! ...

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?
upvote downvote report

They should roast Tom Cruise sometime...

Call it the Cruise-ifixion
upvote downvote report

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a scientist who sometimes drinks, and sometimes doesn’t?

Schröedrinker
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day off

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some ext...

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes, when I think about books

I touch my shelf
upvote downvote report

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend.

She asks, "Why did you stop?"

I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."

Sometimes I wonder

Then I get lost in the park
upvote downvote report

What’s the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

The baby will be a speaker sometime in the future.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
upvote downvote report

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I ask my blind friend what something in braille says.

So I started handing him legos, and apparently all lego pieces mean "fuck you" in braille

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...
upvote downvote report

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"
upvote downvote report

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.
upvote downvote report

What did Sea say to land when he asked if she wanted to meet up sometime

Shore
upvote downvote report

People make fun of my nose sometimes,

But if God gave me my choice of all the noses on earth, I would pick my nose before I picked anyone else’s.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information