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I work for company that paints lawns green in dry climates. Someday I will own my own upholstery business. I want to make car seats out of animal hides...

...but, I dye grass.

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

Someday, we’ll all look back on this COVID thing and laugh...

Well...not *all* of us...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The repo...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

Someday we will have to explain the song 'baby it's cold outside' to our kids as it becomes more and more controversial.

We will have to explain to them how it used to get cold outside.

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

Someday I'll open up a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant

I'll call it Pho-geddaboudit!

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come

I collect binary variables

Someday I'll be a booleanaire

When I was 15 my friend gave me an “Adult” DVD that he stole from his stepdad. I’m in my late 20’s now and still watch it regularly...

I’m hoping to finish it someday.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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Every woman I've been with has had an orgasm during sex

But someday I'll find one that doesn't know what they're missing out on.

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids...

I'll get a doctor to do it instead.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus were waiting at the airport for their flight.

Brutus: Hey Caesar, what's our boarding gate?
Caesar: A2, Brutus.

Brutus: When's the departure time for the flight?
Caesar: 8:02, Brutus.

Brutus: Are you hungry? Can we get some sandwiches?
Caesar: Ate two, Brutus.

Brutus: What size of paper are we transporting? ...

I want to be a father someday

But my son says I should start now

My father would always tell me, "Son, someday you will go far..."

"and I hope to God that you stay there."

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

Someday, I will make a great dad....

I don't have any parenting experience, but I *can* tell terrible jokes.

I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

As a purple faced man I long to meet a purple faced woman someday...

Don't hold your breath

Someday, my prince will come.

I hope it's soon, my arm's tired.

What’s the difference between a capitialist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A capitalist fairy tale begins with, ”Once upon a time, there was...”. A Marxist fairy tale begins with, ”Someday, there will be...”.

I am finally going to be rich someday...

I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.

'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday.

You'll all see.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

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Voodoo doll

When you're specially horny somedays, it's quite possible someone's licking the crotch of your Voodoo doll.

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

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Learn to masturbate

Someday; It'll come in handy

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

Son: dad... who is a good man?

Dad: good man is who take care of his family

Son: someday i want to be a good man like mom

Dad:....

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Mr. Rogers the biology teacher called on Mary

"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions expands upto 6 times it's normal size?"

Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Mr. Rogers! That is a very inappropriate question. The principal will be hearing of this. " She sat down red faced.

"Susan, can you tell me t...

Ive never been to Central Europe...

But I might Czech it out someday.

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

The princess at Walgreens

A princess was coming into Walgreens every day, standing at the photo department, waiting for her photos to get developed.

After seeing her doing this for so many days in a row, a kind employee asked if he could help her with anything. She shook her head sadly, and.

"Someday my prints...

"Robot Walks in to a bar .... "

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots"And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"

**Bonus:**

Boy wants a car from his dad Dad says, "First, you got to cut that hair"Boy says, "Hey, Dad, Jesus had long hair"And Dad says, "...

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

I'm 40 and unmarried

When I mentioned this to my father, he said "Oh I'm sure you'll get married someday". NO man deserves to be happy ALL their life.

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots."

The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replie...

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," s...

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One day johnny brought a horny cock to his farmhouse

Next day it fucked all the hen of the farmhouse.
Next day it got bored with the hens then it fucked all the goat.
Next day it fucked all the cow.
Every animal was afraid of the cock.Johnny was also worried for the other animals but he couldn't stop the cock.
After someday there was no ot...

I love inside jokes...

Hope to be part of one someday

New Boyfriend

A 20 something year old girl finally decided to introduce her boyfriend to her parents. She hid him from them because she was afraid of how they'd react because he's very religious, but now that they're engaged she couldn't hide it anymore.

The boy shakes the father's hand firmly and sits dow...

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON

Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson…

…and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?

Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, “Stars. Millions and millions of them.”

Holmes responded: “I agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you ...

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

What's the difference between your dad and this joke?

This joke will be back someday

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's ...

A man was driving his car around town when he notices a young kid playing with trashbags:

He would reflect for a moment, analyze the distance between him and the trash can and make the shot — flawless execution.
He repeated that another three or four times before he got himself even more distance from his target, overflowing with confidence the kid jumped and shot the trashbag which m...

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"

###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?”

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?” the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.

“Because I want to be a superstar someday, Dad,” Little Nebula replied.

“Im proud of you, son.” Father Nebula hugged his child.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that keep their inbox at zero...

and the kind that want to run for president someday.

I have an irrational fear of elevators

I always feel like they are going to let me down someday.

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My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

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Multi-lingual joke

Did Jesus rice from the dead on Easter morning?

No he *arroz*

Came up with this in my high school Spanish class. Teacher said I will make a great padre someday. I can't even play baseball. :/

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels

Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time

build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life

Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound...

A woman pregnant with 3 kids was shot 3 times...

The doctor told her she would be fine, but each of her kids would pee out a bullet someday.

When they were 14, one of the kids runs to his mom and asked her what did he just pee out. The mother chuckles and tells him the story.

A year later, the second kid ran to his mom, and told her ...

A woman entered her daughter’s room and found a letter

“Dear mom

I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. He’s sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike.

I’m also pregnant. He tells me that we’ll live happy in the forest and have many kids.

...

A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.

The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.

The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first a...

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What do you do when you come across a bear in the woods?

Wipe it off and say sorry.

(My uncle told me this joke when I was five. I didn't get it at the time, and he knew I'd get it someday. That makes it kind of funnier. One day when I was like 14, I suddenly remembered that joke and went, "Oh! Now I get it!" and laughed my ass off.)

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Englishman / Irishman

An Englishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his extravagant lifestyle and says, "Someday, I'll be as rich as that man."

An Irishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his ext...

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Horse's dick

Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour.

Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick ...

The Love for music!

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.

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