UPJOKE
anytimesometimeoncedayalwaysneversurelyanymorehopefullyanywayelsemaybesomehowwhateverdefinitely

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British arenโ€™t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

I asked my father where babies come from. He said son, someday I will tell you about the birds and the bees.

One day I saw a bird eat a bee and never asked again

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Months ago I ordered a bunch of art....

From a really cool lithography studio, but none of it has arrived yet. I just have to hope that someday my prints will come.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

What do you and Chernobyl have in common?

Someday someone will enter without a glove.

Someday, weโ€™ll all look back on this COVID thing and laugh...

Well...not *all* of us...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

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I work for company that paints lawns green in dry climates. Someday I will own my own upholstery business. I want to make car seats out of animal hides...

...but, I dye grass.

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days iโ€™m a foot away

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

Someday I'll open up a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant

I'll call it Pho-geddaboudit!

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

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I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

Someday we will have to explain the song 'baby it's cold outside' to our kids as it becomes more and more controversial.

We will have to explain to them how it used to get cold outside.

Silly Dry Humor.

There were three brothers, Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot.

They were living their lives for years but someday Foot became gravely ill and died.After 1 month of mourning Footfoot said to Footfootfoot.

Brother it's been 1 month of mourning and crying over our brother's grave, I can't ta...

My friends told me that kids always grow up someday

So I decided to prove them wrong by not vaccinating them

Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids...

I'll get a doctor to do it instead.

I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

I want to be a father someday

But my son says I should start now

My father would always tell me, "Son, someday you will go far..."

"and I hope to God that you stay there."

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

As a purple faced man I long to meet a purple faced woman someday...

Don't hold your breath

Someday, I will make a great dad....

I don't have any parenting experience, but I *can* tell terrible jokes.

Someday, my prince will come.

I hope it's soon, my arm's tired.

I am finally going to be rich someday...

I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.

'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, Iโ€™m an American, so Iโ€™d like one last hamburger with French fries.โ€

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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I really dislike my boss.

He's lazy, has bad people skills, and doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground. I hate being self-employed somedays.

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

The older woman.....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up...

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

Iโ€™ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will comeโ€ฆ

I collect binary variables

Someday I'll be a booleanaire

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

Weโ€™ve all seen the joke thatโ€™s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about โ€œspredditโ€ and โ€œshreddit.โ€

People assume that weโ€™ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

Weโ€”the peopleโ€”assume that theyโ€™ll eddit it,

find the origi...

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Every woman I've been with has had an orgasm during sex

But someday I'll find one that doesn't know what they're missing out on.

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

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Learn to masturbate

Someday; It'll come in handy

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

ย ย 
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replie...

I'm a procrastinator and a perfectionist.

Someday I'm going to be perfect.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," s...

Son: dad... who is a good man?

Dad: good man is who take care of his family

Son: someday i want to be a good man like mom

Dad:....

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Mr. Rogers the biology teacher called on Mary

"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions expands upto 6 times it's normal size?"

Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Mr. Rogers! That is a very inappropriate question. The principal will be hearing of this. " She sat down red faced.

"Susan, can you tell me t...

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots."

The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

"Robot Walks in to a bar .... "

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots"And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"

**Bonus:**

Boy wants a car from his dad Dad says, "First, you got to cut that hair"Boy says, "Hey, Dad, Jesus had long hair"And Dad says, "...

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
โ€œGood afternoon,โ€ says Schwartz.
โ€œAfternoon,โ€ says the farmer.
โ€œWhere yo...

The princess at Walgreens

A princess was coming into Walgreens every day, standing at the photo department, waiting for her photos to get developed.

After seeing her doing this for so many days in a row, a kind employee asked if he could help her with anything. She shook her head sadly, and.

"Someday my prints...

New Boyfriend

A 20 something year old girl finally decided to introduce her boyfriend to her parents. She hid him from them because she was afraid of how they'd react because he's very religious, but now that they're engaged she couldn't hide it anymore.

The boy shakes the father's hand firmly and sits dow...

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON

Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watsonโ€ฆ

โ€ฆand Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?

Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, โ€œStars. Millions and millions of them.โ€

Holmes responded: โ€œI agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you ...

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One day johnny brought a horny cock to his farmhouse

Next day it fucked all the hen of the farmhouse.
Next day it got bored with the hens then it fucked all the goat.
Next day it fucked all the cow.
Every animal was afraid of the cock.Johnny was also worried for the other animals but he couldn't stop the cock.
After someday there was no ot...

I love inside jokes...

Hope to be part of one someday

What's the difference between your dad and this joke?

This joke will be back someday

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's ...

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"

###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!

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My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, โ€œSomeday, youโ€™re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Momโ€™s basement playing video games all day!โ€

His reply: โ€œI can only dream.โ€

A woman entered her daughterโ€™s room and found a letter

โ€œDear mom

I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. Heโ€™s sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike.

Iโ€™m also pregnant. He tells me that weโ€™ll live happy in the forest and have many kids.

...

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first a...

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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels

Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time

build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life

Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound...

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that keep their inbox at zero...

and the kind that want to run for president someday.

A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.

The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.

The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

โ€œWhy do you practice basketball everyday, son?โ€

โ€œWhy do you practice basketball everyday, son?โ€ the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.

โ€œBecause I want to be a superstar someday, Dad,โ€ Little Nebula replied.

โ€œIm proud of you, son.โ€ Father Nebula hugged his child.

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Multi-lingual joke

Did Jesus rice from the dead on Easter morning?

No he *arroz*

Came up with this in my high school Spanish class. Teacher said I will make a great padre someday. I can't even play baseball. :/

A man was driving his car around town when he notices a young kid playing with trashbags:

He would reflect for a moment, analyze the distance between him and the trash can and make the shot โ€” flawless execution.
He repeated that another three or four times before he got himself even more distance from his target, overflowing with confidence the kid jumped and shot the trashbag which m...

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Horse's dick

Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour.

Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick ...

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