My friends told me that kids always grow up someday

So I decided to prove them wrong by not vaccinating them

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I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

“Don’t worry, my friend! Every mischief will end someday.”

“That’s so optimistic!”

“I work at the graveyard, my friend.”

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

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Maybe someday masturbating will be like showering.

Your first time is with your dad.

Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids...

I'll get a doctor to do it instead.

I want to be a father someday

But my son says I should start now

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

Someday, my prince will come.

I hope it's soon, my arm's tired.

My father would always tell me, "Son, someday you will go far..."

"and I hope to God that you stay there."

As a purple faced man I long to meet a purple faced woman someday...

Don't hold your breath

I am finally going to be rich someday...

I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.

'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

Someday, I will make a great dad....

I don't have any parenting experience, but I *can* tell terrible jokes.

I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday.

You'll all see.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, pork, chicken.

With any luck, someday I'll be a bullionaire.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

Some people are in a plane when the pilot says:

Pilot over intercom: Were all gonna die!

Passengers:\*scream and panic\*

Pilot over intercom: Someday. you never know when. Its inevitable.

Passengers:\*sigh in relief\*

Pilot over intercom: But probably when we hit this mountain over here.

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

I'm 40 and unmarried

When I mentioned this to my father, he said "Oh I'm sure you'll get married someday". NO man deserves to be happy ALL their life.

What's the difference between redditors on this sub and a brick?

The brick will actually get laid someday.

Political Joke

My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, If you were President what wo...

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots."

The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students

so she took him aside after class one day.
“Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?”

“With you!” he said. ...

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One day johnny brought a horny cock to his farmhouse

Next day it fucked all the hen of the farmhouse.
Next day it got bored with the hens then it fucked all the goat.
Next day it fucked all the cow.
Every animal was afraid of the cock.Johnny was also worried for the other animals but he couldn't stop the cock.
After someday there was no ot...

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replie...

I love inside jokes...

Hope to be part of one someday

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

God created Adam...

...and Adam was happy for a long time. But someday God saw that Adam was depressed and went to ask him what's wrong. Adam replied:

"I'm grateful you gave me life God but I feel so lonely. There's no one to share my life with"

"Ok Adam, I think I have something for you. I will create so...

A man was driving his car around town when he notices a young kid playing with trashbags:

He would reflect for a moment, analyze the distance between him and the trash can and make the shot — flawless execution.
He repeated that another three or four times before he got himself even more distance from his target, overflowing with confidence the kid jumped and shot the trashbag which m...

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?”

“Why do you practice basketball everyday, son?” the Father Nebula asked his son, Little Nebula, when he saw him dribbling a ball.

“Because I want to be a superstar someday, Dad,” Little Nebula replied.

“Im proud of you, son.” Father Nebula hugged his child.

New Boyfriend

A 20 something year old girl finally decided to introduce her boyfriend to her parents. She hid him from them because she was afraid of how they'd react because he's very religious, but now that they're engaged she couldn't hide it anymore.

The boy shakes the father's hand firmly and sits dow...

SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON

Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson…

…and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?

Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, “Stars. Millions and millions of them.”

Holmes responded: “I agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you ...

What did Snow White say when the printer jammed?

Someday my prints will come!!

Multi-lingual joke

Did Jesus rice from the dead on Easter morning?

No he *arroz*

Came up with this in my high school Spanish class. Teacher said I will make a great padre someday. I can't even play baseball. :/

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that keep their inbox at zero...

and the kind that want to run for president someday.

I have an irrational fear of elevators

I always feel like they are going to let me down someday.

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A Teenage Dream

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

A woman pregnant with 3 kids was shot 3 times...

The doctor told her she would be fine, but each of her kids would pee out a bullet someday.

When they were 14, one of the kids runs to his mom and asked her what did he just pee out. The mother chuckles and tells him the story.

A year later, the second kid ran to his mom, and told her ...

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's ...

Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

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A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of t...

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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels

Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time

build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life

Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound...

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Englishman / Irishman

An Englishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his extravagant lifestyle and says, "Someday, I'll be as rich as that man."

An Irishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his ext...

A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.

The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.

The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"

###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!

A woman entered her daughter’s room and found a letter

“Dear mom

I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. He’s sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike.

I’m also pregnant. He tells me that we’ll live happy in the forest and have many kids.

...

Eleven

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his f...

A Few From The 1998 Rugrat's Joke Book

- Is Phil's twin big?
- No she's Lil

.

- Knock, knock
- Who's there?
- Tommy
- Tommy who?
- Tommy the truth-why's this door locked?

.

- What is big and scary and lives in the toaster?
- A Reptart

.

- Why should Chuckie play basketball some...

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Horse's dick

Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour.

Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick ...

The Love for music!

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first a...

The other day, I ran into an old buddy of mine...

He said to me, "This company isn't grand enough for a man like me... Someday, I'll show them and quit!"

I replied "Look, can I just get fries with that?"

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The b...

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Ten Thoughts

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a...

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