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Of All Time Jokes

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

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My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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My favorite joke of all time.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a lady who'd obviously been there for a bit. After a while they start talking and the conversation eventually turns to relationships. He says, "I'm actually here tonight because my girlfriend just left me - she thought I was too kinky in bed." Her eyes light u...

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

My favorite joke of all time.

One day a priest, rabbi, and atheist walk in to a bar and sit down. The bartender comes up to them and asks, "Hey are you guys part of a joke?" To which they respond affirmatively. "Get out," the bartender said, "I don't serve jokes in here," and they did.


The next day a horse clops in ...

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Which character is the gayest video game character of all time?

Pacman — who eats 200 balls each game.

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

Marie Curie is my favorite scientist of all time.

She was absolutely radiant.

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Favorite joke of all time

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of an airplane.



Meeeeeee!

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One of my favorite older dark jokes of all time

*this joke is probably one of the oldest and most famous dark jokes ever but it's by far one of the best ones I've ever heard

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" a...

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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Funniest Joke of All Time (dirty)

A good friend shared this with me and I'll try my best to do it justice in writing: If oral sex makes your day, what does anal sex do?

It makes your hole weak (whole week)

We now have a standing joke that when we really like something, we say it makes our hole weak. Lol

My favorite bumper sticker of all time

I still miss my ex.......but my aim is improving.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

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My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let do...

The biggest coincidence of all time

has to be that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

Who was the smartest conqueror of all time?

Genius Khan

I just watched the cheesiest movies of all time.

3: The Havarti Boys


2: Goudafellas


And my all time favorite cheesy movie


1: The Guns of Provolone

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

My father was the best clown of all time.

When he died, all his friends came to his funeral in one car.

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Hitler eventually proved his art school Teachers wrong , and DID become one of the greatest painters of all time...

It's just the he painted an underground bunker with his brains.

I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”

And every now and then it falls apart.

Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Columbus,Marco Polo etc,are not the bravest explorers of all time.

Its the Internet Explorer.

It is brave enough to ask to be my default browser.

Best films of all time Lord of the rings and the Hobbit trilogies...

Now that's what I'm Tolkien about.

Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.

Ok, so this might be the worst joke of all time

So it all started the day I was born...

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

The greatest merger of all time

It was announced today that YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will all be merging.

The new name will be YouTwitFace

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

Who was the worst U.S. President of all time?

Hoover, his administration really sucked.

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

In another context, "Doom" could have been one of the scariest horror games of all time.

All you have to do is play one of the demons.

Possibly the worst joke of all time.

What do you call a motor's ear?

An engineer.

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov pos...

Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time

But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.

Quite possibly my worst made up joke of all time

Since ancient times, magic practices in Hawaii have depended on placing flower wreaths along specific paths around the island.

They rely on these lei-lines.

My favorite joke of all time.

A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)

Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.

The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"

The man thought for a moment and replied

"Well,...

My dad is the greatest magician of all time

He did a vanishing trick over 16 years ago and still hasn't been found

Best Joke of all Time

Civil Rights Act of 1866

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The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

What is the most expensive book of all time?

Pride and Accomplishment, by Jane Austen

Just remembered my favourite dad joke of all time.

"Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

My favourite joke of all time.

Once upon a time a boy went up to his mother and said: Mom, why am I named feather? The mom responded: "That's because when you were born a feather landed on your head".

The next day the boys little sister said to their mother: "Mom, why am I named leaf?" The mom responded: "That's because w...

Who is the most controversial tv personality of all time?

Not sure, but I wouldn't sleep on Bill Cosby.

Who are the fastest readers of all time?

9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds

Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?”

“No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”

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My favorite joke of all time.

Three nuns die and they are standing in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looks down at them and tells them to stand single file in a line. He asks the first one, "Sister, have you ever seen or touched a penis?" She says, "Yes sir, I have touched a penis." He directs her to a small basin ...

The Greatest Old Guy Joke of all Time

There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a resaurant with his wife, she said,"What is a suppository doing in your ear." The old man says,"Oh! now I know where my hearing aids are!"

I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time.

But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

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The most famous person of all times

Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants ...

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My favorite joke of all time: What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

I just made the greatest construction-related pun of all time

Works on so many levels

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