I think I want to become a pilot because it will allow my to conquer my greatest fear:

Dying alone.

Why did Genghis Khan conquer so much?

Because he was Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khannot.

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Went to the therapist to conquer my fear of palindromes.

The jerk put me on Xanax.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

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Why didn't Hitler win the race of conquer

He never reached the Finnish

I’ve finally managed to conquer my addiction to swimming.

I’ve been dry for six months now.

Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

Ever since Canada decided to conquer their continent...

America's been in a sorry state.

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In an alternate universe, the Japanese conquered Rome!

Now I have to read about the "Ancient RAMEN empire" in my history books.

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”

I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

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Me: I've finally conquered my fear of ghosts

Therapist: That's the spirit

Me: Oh fuck where?

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I just had sex with my girlfriend while dressed up as Julius Caesar

Not only did I came, but I saw, I conquered.

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When Hitler conquered Ukraine...

his soldiers sent back a message saying that the women were beautiful and enclosed a picture of them. Upon seeing this picture, Hitler declared that these women were honorary Aryans and demanded they bring back as many women as they could. When Hitler conquered Finland his soldiers sent back a messa...

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The reason the nazis never conquered Brazil

Because they all knew jew jitsu

What would Israel be called if it ever gets conquered?

Wasrael

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

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How did Hitler conquer Poland?

He used a lot of polish remover.

How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia?

One steppe at a time.

What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

What conquers math?

A ruler.

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

What did Shang Tsung say after conquering South Korea?

"Your Seoul is mine!"

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

Apple just announced three new products: a competitor to Fleshlight, a brand of eyeglasses, and a real-time strategy game.

iCame, iSaw, iConquered

What's the difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg?

One's a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien trying to conquer Earth.

Note: This joke isn't mine, I heard it somewhere but I forgot where, if it's already been posted send me the link and I'll remove it.

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

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I Wrote This On The Toilet

Toss and turn I clench my cheeks,
I'm half awake and half asleep,
My stomach growls and up I sit,
To take my nightly sloppy shit

And as I stumble in the dark,
I concentrate lest I should fart,
For if I do disaster strikes,
I'll shit my pants in this cold night

A...

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

What did one cracker say to the other?

"Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."

Little Timmy always procrastinated his schoolwork

A few weeks ago, his teacher assigned the class to write a 10,000 word paper on a great philosopher, but with just 12 hours until the paper was due, Little Timmy had not written a single word. Realizing his predicament, Little Timmy hastily took a pencil out of his drawer and sat down in front of bl...

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

I came, I thaw, I conquered .

The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

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