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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Why does this pornstar attract a lot of fans"

They just keep coming to her

I know a plane that attracts boys and girls..

It’s a biplane.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

How did Tutankhamun attract the ladies?

With his Pharaohmones

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

What does a bell company in North Ireland need to have to attract customers?

Speed. People want to get their belfast

What is the key to attract most of Hollywood?

B minor

How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

Why couldn't the bowling club attract any good players?

They said 3 strikes you're out.

What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men?

Their ankles!

What's the best way to attract a pervert?

The NSFW tag, you freak

The only females I attract...

are mosquitoes

The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers.

They call it the Crow Bar.

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

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Having a moustache is a total pussy magnet

Turns out magnets repel as well as attract.

My feet are so big

That they attract everything within two feet.

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

I am objectively attractive

According to Newton's law of universal gravitation, mass attracts mass.

A family holds a reunion and decides to run a lemonade stand.

The mother was an architect, the father was a computer scientist, the son was a business owner, and the daughter was a prostitute. The family held a reunion and decided that a great bonding exercise would be to run a lemonade stand.

The family split tasks when designing the lemonade stand. Th...

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All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.

I’m starting to think this whole “opposites attract” thing is bullshit.

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you f...

A man walks into a bar

Upon realising that bar jokes often end in humiliation, loss or death, he smashes a beer bottle to use as an impromptu weapon to defend himself.

This attracts the attention of the bouncer, who attempts to evict him. Terrified that the outside world is where he meets his fate, he stabs the man...

Mike is leaving his apartment to go to a club.

As he's leaving, he sees his neighbor Frank. The two are about the same age, but barely know each other. In fact, Mike doesn't even like looking at Frank because he's ugly as sin, not to mention he always smells like a wet dog. And so he waits a few minutes before leaving so he doesn't have to inter...

My phone stopped working!!! what do i do?

Then someone said put it in rice... BUT WHY?... The rice attracts asians which secretly repair your phone at night...

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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

Sad News.....

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

A friend wondered how to be popular with the ladies.

A friend asked my what he could do to attract the ladies like me. I gave him a look over and said that he should stick a potato down his pants. He said he'd try it and left.

A few days later he came back and said, "I put a potato down my pants like you suggested and the ladies still aren't ...

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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches sta...

It's 5 o'clock. See ya. I'm gonna make like a banana and

lay around unused, gradually festering until I start to attract flies.

If you ever get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice

It will attract an Asian, who will then fix it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the ri...

What do Noble gases and I have in common?

I cant attract anything either

I'm such a great chick magnet

Too bad I'm the kind that repels rather than attracts

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

In an objective point of view, fat women are more attractive than skinny woman.

According to Newton, the heavier an object is, the more it attracts other objects.

Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country?

Because opposite poles attract

Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

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A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First ...

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think tha...

Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer gets on a wagon with chicken wire...

"Why does your wagon have chicken wire?", a man asks.

The farmer replies "I'm hunting chickens, so chicken wire will attract them".

The man gives him a look and says "that's not how it works."

The farmer leaves anyway.

He comes back with a wagon full of chickens.

T...

Nail advert

There was once a family run nail manufacturing company. One day, the father asked his son to create a poster advert for their company in an effort to attract new business.

A week later, the son shows his father the poster, which depicted Jesus on the cross with a caption that read "Guarantee...

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

Jake wanted a brother

Jake had been asking his father for a brother the whole morning. His dad got annoyed so he gave little Jake some seeds.

"Just put these by the window, it attracts the storks!"

A few months later the neigbors had a baby delivered. Little Jake went to the newfound father and said:
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

A man is trying to sell his offbrand car

And is depressed that no one will buy it. He meets with his friend and tells him he is depressed because no one wants to buy his car. His friend then gets an idea and says "why don't you go to the store and buy a Mercedes logo and put it on the hood of the car and maybe that'll attract more people t...

So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night...

NOTSONINJAEDIT: On a cruise ship***

And every time he performs, an intelligent parrot (deal with it) sits at the back and ruins all his magic tricks by shouting out what the secrets are. When he saws a lady in half, the parrot says that she's crawled up in the other half of the box. When he ...

Another parrot joke

A pet store owner had a parrot that he couldn't sell. It was a beautiful creature, but annoying. He put it in a cage outside the shop to get it out of his hearing and to attract a potential buyer. The parrot took in the scenery until it saw a woman across the street. The bird yelled, "HEY LADY! YOU'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An awkward loner goes to a pub.

An awkward loner, sick of being lonely, makes the effort to go to a pub.

It's crowded and noisy but he decides to stay and have a counter lunch.

Having made his choice from the menu over the bar, he pushes his way to counter and attracts the the attention of a rather attractive barmai...

If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice...

It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)

Why do people buy smart cars?

Because opposites attract.

Economic research

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.

A restaurant owner hires a carpenter, an interior decorator and an SEO expert.

A bistro owner is three days away from opening her new business and hires a carpenter, an interior decorator and an SEO expert to help with designing the dining area to better attract customers. On the first day the carpenter crafts a beautiful bar at the end of her restaurant and brings in mahogany...