A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

What's the best way to attract the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag (gotcha!)

Opposites Attract

My beautiful, smart wife told me that

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.

As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to m...

I know I've never been all that attractive

But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague

What do you get when an attractive American woman walks into a room full of Cubans?

A Cuban Missile Crisis

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women?

Pinocchio

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So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

"Noun; the force that attracts objects towards the center of a celestial body."

"Very nice, Elphaba, but I said '_defy_ gravity'"

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator and an attractive guy walks in.

But he has obvious dandruff. They get off and the brunette says “that guy was hot, but he could really use some head and shoulders!”

Blonde: “what’s shoulders?”

Did you hear Oasis's new song about the attraction and repulsion of atoms?

"And after all, you're my Van der Waals"

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I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father

It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother.

I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl....

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

I was at a friend's funeral and spotted an attractive girl.

Wasn't long before I got mourning wood.

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end

If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive

They'd eventually find me attractive.

What do you call a bear who lives in the arctic and is attracted to both men and women?

A bi-polar bear

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

My son went to school in the Czech Republic just for the attractive women

He wanted to study a broad

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A woman asks an attractive man how long it's been since he made love to a woman...

"1956." "Wow, that's a long time ago!" says the woman. "Hey, lets see if you remember anything from that time, shall we"? the man agrees. They go into a private area and have sex, and she says "You haven't forgotten anything since 1956! Impressive!" The man says "I sure hope not," the man checks his...

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make...

I may not be smart, or attractive, or likeable, or rich.

But at least I don't have self-confidence issues.

What kind of lingerie attracts the most donations for cam girls?

White knighties.

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

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A well dressed gentleman spots an attractive lady sitting at the bar

He walks up to her and says:

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you but can I smell your pussy?"

Offended and taken aback the woman replies "No!" In a sharp and stern voice.

To which the man replies:

"Oh, it must be your feet then."

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No showering makes you attractive to the opposite sex

Sorry I meant the opposite of sex

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $30." "

Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. ...

I'm sorry just don't find you attractive

No hard feelings

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

What do you call Santa’s most attractive helper?

A MELF.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected

Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

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A young, attractive lady comes back from a house party.

Let's call her Jessica. Unfortunately, Jessica's face is now well wept. Her mother catches her with cum on her face, and begins to sob hysterically: "After I did everything to raise you as a good catholic girl, what the hell i this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through after your father lef...

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A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

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Im sexually attracted to pillows

I sleep with one every night

My girlfriend says she only dates highly intelligent men. I told her, "That makes sense...

...opposites attract."

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

Why are french ducks so attractive?

They have a certain "je ne sais quack'".

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.

She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.

Wait, hold on: "petrified".

Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff,

trying to get up the nerve to jump.



A passing hobo stops and says "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"



The woman replies, "Get away from me, you sicko!"



The bum turns to leave and mutters "Fine, I'll just go wa...

A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

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Opposite attracts and same repels

It was a straightforward observation until the gays came along.

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

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A woman spots an attractive man in a bar.

"Hi", she says. "My name is Carmen"
"Well, that's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she said. "I gave it to myself as it reflects the things I like most - cars and men"
"What's your name?" she asked.
"BJ Titsbeerngolf" he replied.

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you

Atleast in physics

Unfortunately my style of humour is reflected in the type of woman I attract.

Dry.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Everyone is attractive.

It only depends on their mass and distance between you and the person.

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My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

What did the lady say to the attractive creeper?

Lurkin' good!

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

Not to make light of the gravity of the situation,

But this quarantine has really brought my wife and I closer together.

We have both gained so much weight that we are increasingly attracted to one another, by gravity.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

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A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the ...

How do you make 2lbs of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

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A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

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A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.

He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.

She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.

"Why yes, yes I would"

"Great, what about 5 bucks?"

All of a sudden she loses her smile a...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Sabaton is going sightseeing.

After their most recent gig in America, Sabaton decides to go to New York for vacation and to go sightseeing.

After their expensive flight they discovered that they mostly went through all their money.

Deciding to see as much as they can with spending as little cash as possible they we...

What's the difference between your mom and the Grand Canyon?

One is a tourist attraction... The other is the Grand Canyon

What did the male cow say to the attractive female cow?

You’ve got a nice dairyaire

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

Yo mama's so fat she's attractive....

…. gravitationally

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"



She thinks a moment and answers "Everythin...

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

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The passenger and the nun (old, but gold)

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Aroused, he wishes to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I...

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As a true God fearing Catholic man, there are only two things I hate in this world....

Homosexuals and super hot attractive young men.

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...

...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"

The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feather...

A stunnigly attractive Woman is standing on a bridge...

...obviously ready to jump and ending her life. A young man driving past with his bike thinking "wow" and asks loudly: "hey there beautiful, you think I can come up and we make out?"
The woman disgusted by the young man's proposal screams: "Eeew no way!!!"
The young man with a winner's smile ...

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

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Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

Women must find dad jokes attractive.

Otherwise they’d be known as bachelor jokes.

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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