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Gaining Jokes

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight

He tells her, “Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won’t try anything else.”

The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it’s full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.

She replies, “It’s n...

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight...

...I’ve added a salad to every meal

Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast.

He’s a little Husky.

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight

He was trying to make a four chin

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

Upon gaining sentience, a donut was quoted as saying:

"There are dozens of us!"

I hate gaining ten pounds for a role

And then realising I'm not an actor.

Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight

Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.

I’m trying to cut down on my fortnite play time as I think I’m gaining an addiction

I tend to play it every couple of weeks now.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight

Needless to say we didn't work out

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

(long) A ship captain notices a pirate ship gaining speed for an attack.

He tells his first mate to get him his red shirt. "Why?" the first mate asked. "I want the red shirt in case I get hit and start bleeding no one can tell and we don't lose moral." They fight and win the battle and start to celebrate. After a few minutes they see 20 more ships and the captain turns t...

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A hunter gets a new gun...

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder...

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says...

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

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