Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...

After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one da...

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

An crying man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" The man replies "My brother was just sentenced to 5 years prison time. he was taking gold, removing all of the electrons and selling the gold ions for profit!"

The bartender replies "Damn, those are some serious charges."

Step 2. Profit

Step 1. Time machine

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
...

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

Not all Americans understand gross profit

But their politicians have a good grasp on net profit.

I’ve owned a tree store for years and we just started making a profit.

Wasn’t until we branched out, that we started seeing the green.

I work at a non-profit...

...but that’s not what my boss actually wants.

If you're broke you can just go eat a lot in london. You will profit as you gain pounds.

Only works if American.

My friend owns a store and he hadn't made any profit, even during the back to school season.

Me- You should consider moving your store.

Friend- I cant!

Me- Why?

Friend- Coz its stationery.

How does a boat captain determine his profit?

By using aquadratic equation.

(Via my coworker)

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

How to make a charity

1. find someone in need
2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone
3. ???
4. nonprofit

How do you milk a sheep and make a profit?

Remove the audio jack

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from F...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

Old lady decides to be a prostitute to complement her income

Arriving home, she counts the profit with her husband:
- Its U$100,50.
- Honey, who gave you 50 cents?
- What do you mean "who gave me 50 cents"?! Everyone!

In an attempt to raise profits

... I've heard that Malaysian Air is considering offering 1/2 way tickets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where does the Federal Reserve hide all of its dirty profits?

In debasement.

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do prostitutes and chicken farmers have in common?

They both raise cocks for profit

What do you call an Arab investor?

The Profit Mohammad

"Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"

A man asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.

"Are you certain?"

"Absolutely!"

"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yes"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
...

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

Why was Muhummad so rich?

He made a good profit

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

How do you call the money earned by a sewage company?

Gross Profit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

Why was the weed salesman so good at business in mecca

Because he got his profits high

Reddit's website was down yesterday.

And nobody had any idea what to do. There were no profits to be made while Reddit was down. Most of the workers had either gone home or were sitting at their desks doing nothing. The executives started losing it. They had already lost several thousand dollars of ad revenue from a lack of clicks. The...

Three wishes

Bob, James, and Albert go for a hike in the mountains one day and they find a strange lamp. They rub it and a genie appears, the genie is so relieved to be free that he offers each of them three wishes, with the one condition that each man have at least one month between their wishes, they see this ...

Repainting the White House

There was an open call for repainting the White House and 3 businessmen applied. One was from China, one was from Germany and one was from Albania. The Chinese asked 3 million dollars to do the job, the German asked 7 million and the Albanian asked 9 million. During the selection phase they asked th...

Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break t...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philant...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

A girl and her boyfriend go to the hospital...

The girl goes in to the hospital to donate plasma. The boyfriend goes in to donate sperm.

Once they're finished, they get back together and discuss their profits. The girl says, "I got $30 to donate some plasma." The boyfriend then says to her, "I got $125 to donate sperm." Enraged, the girl ...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

There's a church running out of funding

Because their beliefs aren't popular anymore. They're very conservative, and the members are very loyal. There isn't another church like them in any nearby town, and they don't want to let their members down. The church is run by friars sworn to be completely devout to the church and work nowhere el...

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Brothers are running a prostitution house...

Two brothers are running a prostitution house, but they are not making any money. After trying numerous ideas to increase profits, Vadim, the older brother, came up with a plan.

"Why don't we just put a blow up doll in the bed under the covers?"

Igor, his younger brother, replied "That...

What do capitalists worship?

profits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

something about phones

so there was this guy, real alpha, but was a little insecure. he got into a fight with this total twig to prove his superiority or whatever, ended up winning easily due to his large muscles and shit. yeah, bravo for that one dude. but anyway, this guy’s name was charlie and he was exploring in a de...

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

Why should you back an Indian charity?

Because they are all naan profit.

What do you call a charity that gives bread to the poor?

A naan-profit!

Since chipotle charges like a $1.30 for guacamole...

I wonder if In their bussiness meetings, if they refer to their guac profits as


Avacadough

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW]Did you know that when you stick your dick in a vacuum....and turn it on to reverse...

they'll kick you out of Sears?
__

Someone wrote in the comment jumping on my ass about nit giving credit. I heard this on Conan last night by comedian Matt Donaher. I wasn't stealing the guys joke. I'd never seen anyone on here giving credit to people they hear the jokes from. And because ...

The value of a mule.

A used car salesman retired and moved to the country. He bought a yearling stallion and a couple mares. He thought his pastoral life was pretty sweet, until the stallion started misbehaving. So, he asked his neighbor down the road what to do.

"You need a mule." the old farmer said.
"Will t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.
On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one c...

Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread..

They're naan-profit organizations.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

Dad, you are a business man, how does that work?

Son: "All you do is take stuff or money from strangers and give it to strangers, where does the profit come from?"

Dad: "Okay son, bring that big piece of meat from the fridge"

Son brings the meat and hands it to dad.

Dad: "Okay, and now take it back"

Son shrugs his shoul...

Can I write the money I spent at the Indian bakery off my taxes?

They are a naan profit organization ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drug dealer, a gang member, and a journalist walk into a bar...

The bartender, a keen man, looked at the drug dealer, who was decked out in fancy clothing and expensive jewelry. He did not look educated, though, so the bartender said to him "You. You are a drug dealer."

"Yes," said the man, "how did you know?"

Ignoring the man's question, the barte...

Whats the difference between a hippie and a mutual fund.

Eventually a mutual fund matures and gains profit

A successful contractor talks to his mother after some economic hardships.

He had originally made his fortune off of luxury countertops, rising to the top of the interior furnishing industry. However, after chasing profits, he began to use inferior materials for his countertops, lost sales, and then lost everything. Desperate, he moved into his mom's house, and asked her f...

Someone has been spraying graffiti of what appears to be corporate ledgers all around my neighborhood.

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elephants Never Forget

Frank owned a full grown African Elephant and due to the rising costs of living, he found it was getting expensive to feed his pet.

Frank thought long and hard for a solution and upon watching a circus program on T.V. thought of the perfect scam to make some quick money.

You see Fran...

Talk is cheap.

But AM radio still can't turn a profit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Poor farmers

Farmers are having an awful time at the moment in Ireland. No grants, no profit, just terrible.

John: "Well Tom how are things, how's the farming?"
Tom: "Bad John, I think I'm going to switch from milking cows to raising cocks"
John: "Why is that?"
Tom: "Well farmers need the cocks t...

A Politician wanted to build a bridge

A Politician wanted to build a bridge.

So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.

The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
<...

I hear most Muslims are capitalists...

They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.

A good businessman

There was this successful businessman who not only had loads of cash, but he was a genuinely good person. He had a charity which was truly non-profit, he helped impoverished communities, he lived frugally and didn’t overtly display his wealth.

His one ‘vice’ was his Harley. He loved ridin...

Trump wants to build the wall he promised

He asks for quotes from all over the world. He gets 3 quotes.

Chinese guy quotes $3mil
European guy quotes $7mil
Indian guy quotes $10mil

Trump decides to call them for more information.

Chinese guy says 1 million for stones, 1 million for labor, 1 million profit.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Labor union joke

A labor union organizer goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "Sorry," she replies, so he leaves.
He goes to a second whorehouse, and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. When told they are not, he asks, "How can I spend my money here when you do not sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A piano player gets a job at a swanky restaurant...

He's very good, and writes all his own material. But he gives all his songs dirty names. At the end of every song he tells his audience the songs name, which management doesn't like. They tell him, "We love having you hear, but you have to stop calling out the song names". The piano player is cool w...

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.