I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn’t raise them.

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

My brother always prefers to take the stairs, whereas I prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

How do you raise the chances of your joke's popularity?

You lie.

​

(My 5yo kid made this joke please be nice!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No Raise for you

A worker, tired of working for the same pay for years goes to his boss and asks for a raise.

"A raise? What for? You hardly even work here." said the fast-talking boss.

"What do you mean I don't work. I've been working here for years." said the frustrated worker.

"Look, I'll pro...

One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My husband, my dog, wagew raises and... a very ballsy punchline

My husband has been meaning to phone his boss and ask for a raise, but he's a very strict man and doesn't take kindly to be asked for money.

Cellphone in hand, my husband selected the right contact and stared at the screen, unsure whether to make the call or not.

Seeing this, the dog a...

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

"Boss, I just got married. Can I get a pay raise?"

"Sorry, we don't compensate for accidents that happen outside of work."

I find it incredible that a man could raise an army, march them halfway round the known world...

...and still not know they were all named bloody Spartacus!

My girlfriend asked me the other day how difficult I thought it would be to raise a kid.

Apparently “it can’t be worse than living with you for 18 years” wasn’t the correct answer.

My wife said I can't possibly raise a child at the Warehouse.

Don't know what she means, my forklift works fine.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
...

Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the plumber’s boss say when he asked for a raise?

Don’t come in here with that shit!

How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?

BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.

BOSS: Yes...

EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would lik...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the lightest thing in the world?

A Penis. Even a thought can raise it.

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too...

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.

There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an American....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much...

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

The two women at the kissing booth made a bet to see who could raise the most money

All day long it was neck and neck

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off , but sometimes more work to do in weekend .

I work in a d...

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

I want to create a cook book that can raise the dead

I'll call it the Necronomnomicon

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Look, I deserve a raise", the high school football coach complained to the principal.

"What for?" came the reply. "You're paid a hell of a lot more than any other member of my teaching staff as it is. How can I justify recommending you for a raise?"

"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach said, opening the office door and calling out to the team captain.

"...

How did Germany raise its GDP pc. during WW2?

Reduce the capita

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100...

...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day...

and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not" says the teacher.

"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

[Long] A Man Raises His Beer...

He says, "I've been a regular here for over 20 years, I bet I could out drink anyone here. A hundred dollars to anybody who can down more beer than me!"

At first a large, bulky man walks up to his table and the bartender begins to serve up the drinks. The crowd watches as both contestants re...

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.

"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.

"I shall give him a p...

Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand.

Wow! I wasn't expecting that!

Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a man: never raise your hand to a child.

It leaves your balls unprotected.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..

When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool

How are we going to raise the child???

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby? Because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.

You are invited to a charity event to raise money for people who can't oragasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

I asked my band teacher to raise my F.

He gave me an FF instead.

"North Korea ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell"

-Rocket Man

What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

So he a...

"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little eddy

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shru...

I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise...

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

Pope VS. Mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and...

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

Why did the baker raise his voice?

He had a yeast inflection.

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I miss...