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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

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A maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise

A maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.  

The wife asked, "Now, Karen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"  

Karen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Karen: "Your husband." 
W...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

Anti-vaxx parents don’t raise kids

They lower coffins

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husban...

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A maid asks a the woman of the house for a raise.

A maid asks a the woman of the house for a raise. The woman asks they made why she wanted one. They maid replied by saying that she was better at cleaning than the woman. The woman asked why she thought so. The maid replied that the woman’s husband told her. The maid also said that her husband told ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

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Little Johnny raises his hand in class...

"Hey Teach, can I go to the bathroom, I gotta take a piss right bad!"
The teacher at the end of her rope dealing with his antics all day screamed at him, "URINATE JOHNNY !! URINATE !!"
Johnny without missing a beat replied, "Thanks teach, I always thought of myself as a solid 7 but apparent...

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

My brother always prefers to take the stairs, whereas I prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn’t raise them.

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

How do you raise the chances of your joke's popularity?

You lie.



(My 5yo kid made this joke please be nice!)

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

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No Raise for you

A worker, tired of working for the same pay for years goes to his boss and asks for a raise.

"A raise? What for? You hardly even work here." said the fast-talking boss.

"What do you mean I don't work. I've been working here for years." said the frustrated worker.

"Look, I'll pro...

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Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

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My husband, my dog, wagew raises and... a very ballsy punchline

My husband has been meaning to phone his boss and ask for a raise, but he's a very strict man and doesn't take kindly to be asked for money.

Cellphone in hand, my husband selected the right contact and stared at the screen, unsure whether to make the call or not.

Seeing this, the dog a...

How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?

BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.

BOSS: Yes...

EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would lik...

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused....

I find it incredible that a man could raise an army, march them halfway round the known world...

...and still not know they were all named bloody Spartacus!

My girlfriend asked me the other day how difficult I thought it would be to raise a kid.

Apparently “it can’t be worse than living with you for 18 years” wasn’t the correct answer.

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What's the lightest thing in the world?

A Penis. Even a thought can raise it.

My wife said I can't possibly raise a child at the Warehouse.

Don't know what she means, my forklift works fine.

Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too...

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.

There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an American....

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
...

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What did the plumber’s boss say when he asked for a raise?

Don’t come in here with that shit!

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A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much...

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off , but sometimes more work to do in weekend .

I work in a d...

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

I want to create a cook book that can raise the dead

I'll call it the Necronomnomicon

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

How did Germany raise its GDP pc. during WW2?

Reduce the capita

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

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A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.

"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.

"I shall give him a p...

My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100...

...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”,...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

[Long] A Man Raises His Beer...

He says, "I've been a regular here for over 20 years, I bet I could out drink anyone here. A hundred dollars to anybody who can down more beer than me!"

At first a large, bulky man walks up to his table and the bartender begins to serve up the drinks. The crowd watches as both contestants re...

Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand.

Wow! I wasn't expecting that!

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I am hosting a charity livestream to raise awareness for those struggling to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day...

and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not" says the teacher.

"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."

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As a man: never raise your hand to a child.

It leaves your balls unprotected.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

How are we going to raise the child???

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby? Because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me...

This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

I asked my band teacher to raise my F.

He gave me an FF instead.

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shru...

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

Pope VS. Mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and...

"North Korea ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell"

-Rocket Man

I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “H...

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

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