I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club?

"I don't give a flying fuck."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

My son said all he wanted for Christmas was "cold-hard cash."

So I froze his bank account.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can’t think of one atm

Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash?

Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law?

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

Did jesus pay for our sins in cash or credit?

He pay for our sins in praypal.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

Where is a great place to get cash for all that shrimp you don't need?

At the Prawn Shop

15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

I never understood the term "cash cow"..

Sounds like utter non-cents to me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple decide to set up a prostitution scheme to earn some extra cash...

The husband and wife agree that they need more money so the husband becomes the hustler and his wife decides to be the hooker.

One day they’re ready to start the scheme and are sat in the car. The husband says “right, you go off round the corner and wait for a customer and I’ll stay here as b...

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she expl...

A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.
So the man walks o...

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found my ex girlfriend on the street working as a prostitute. I thought to myself, wow she must be really desperate if she needs the cash...

Then I yelled, "HEY BITCH TAKE YOUR COMPETITION ELSEWHERE! THIS IS MY SPOT!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

I've come into a lot of cash recently doing unethical activities

If it wasn't dirty money before, it certainly is now.

what do you call Johnny Cash's millennial grandson

Johnny Bitcoin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened....

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

A blonde decided she wanted to make some extra cash, so decided to go house to house taking on small jobs...

She went to a neighbourhood of mansions, walked up to a house, and knocked on the door.

When the owner answered she asked him if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the pai...

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He poin...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

On birthdays, I save cash by re-gifting an inside joke.

It doesn't cost anything for me to get it.

Which country's people are least likely to use cash?

The Czech Republic.

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, t...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

A joke my 6yo told me: Where does the fish get its cash?

At the river bank

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

Strapped For Cash

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework.

Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.

I’m like yeah sure what?

He asks me to dri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

I invented a relish made out of my own cash.

It's my main sauce of income.

A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with everything." The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks. The vendor replies, "change comes from within".

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

I always buy groceries with cash.

I guess I prefer paper over plastic.

"Cash or Debit?"

"Did you just assume my tender?!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

I like my cash like I like my ex-wife.

Cold and hard.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I on...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We used to have Charlie Pride, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs & Stevie Wonder

Now we have no Pride, no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs & it's no fucking Wonder

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register.

"Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(LONG) A woman marries a sex addict:

A young woman marries a sex addict.

For the first few weeks everything was fine until she found a box under the bed, curious, she asked the man about it, he said" that's my secret and you must not open it", "I understand" she replied.

A few months pass and the womens curiosity gets t...

A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day h...

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

A man walks into a joke store...

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out laughing.

He sees the guy at the end ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

Spiritual parrot

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register.

A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU".

He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer.

Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU".

The burglar looks a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?

As much as you can curry.

I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets.

They charged me for laundering money.

A man with pockets full of cash, a woman on each arm and an orange for a head walks into a bar...

The barman asks what the deal is.

"Well", says the man, "I was walking on a beach when I found one of those old genie lamps washed up on the sand, so I rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me three wishes."

"So what were your wishes?"

"Well, I did the obvious thing and wi...

A married couple are strapped for cash, so they agree that the wife will prostitute to help pay the bills...

Hours later she returns with five hundred dollars and ten cents. The husband says, "that's great, our problems are over! But...who gave you the ten cents?" She replies "Why, all of them!"

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

*at cash register*

ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...

*[seductively inserts chip]*

Just the tip?

CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security

Waiting to get paid

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?...

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

A homeless dude in the street asked me if I had any cash.

I was all good, but I think it was nice of him to offer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man pimps out his wife

A couple fell on hard times and found themselves in desperate need of money. The husband asked his wife if she would be willing to prostitute herself for a few nights for some quick cash. She was hesitant at first but finally agreed when her husband said he would follow her for protection.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Worst customer service ever!

I experienced the WORST customer service this morning. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So this morning, less than 12 hours later, I took it bac...

What would you call Usain Bolt if he was a spongebob squarepants fan?

The cash slinging dasher

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old, drunk conman was broke again.

A drunk, old conman is at a bar about to be thrown out for being broke.


"I bet you $100 and a shot of whiskey I can show you something you ain't never seen before." siad the drunk to the barmaid.


"I've seen it all. Show me what you got." And she put $100 and a shot of whi...