UPJOKE
profitrevenuepensionmoneyprofitswagesinterestwealthsalaryearningsnettaxestaxrevenuesexpenses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return;

it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are pornstars paid?

Income.

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Viagra sell badly in low-income neighborhoods?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: W...

The IRS wants me to declare my e-commerce income...

But I only took payments from Friends and Family!

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I like my coffee like Hamilton liked the source of his income.

Black, and made by my wife.

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old lady decides to be a prostitute to complement her income

Arriving home, she counts the profit with her husband:
- Its U$100,50.
- Honey, who gave you 50 cents?
- What do you mean "who gave me 50 cents"?! Everyone!

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

Why do underground hackers report their income to the IRS?

They know how the system will react to sin tax errors

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

Pastor, Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing their income.

A pastor asks his friends, a Priest and a Rabbi, how their income is determined.

The Priest responds, "I take all the offering and put it in a bucket. I draw a circle thats 2 feet in diameter on the ground and stand in the middle of it. Then I use the bucket and throw the money into the air. ...

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income

I guess I'm Jewish.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

I got fired from my money folding job yesterday

My boss said that all of my work was income pleat

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

A little incompatibility is the spice of life,

as long as he has income and she is pattable.

How do you know if a fisherman is rich?

Check his net income.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideo...

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

A man writes a letter to the IRS . . .

. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Cows - Matthias Varga

* SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor


* COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk


* FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk


* NAZISM

You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrote this in r/videos. It made me laugh. Who Want To Be A Millionaire America version.

WWTBAM person: "Oh, you won a million dollars? Let me just get that for you."

Winner: "Thanks."

WWTBAM person: "Ok. First we take a tax cut of 25%."

Winner: "Wait, what?"

WWTBAM person: "Next we're going to seperate it into 20."

Winner: "Hold on a second, what are ...

School days...

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?

Kid: $100

Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?

Kid: $100

Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $10...

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have all this by age 35:

- 6 figure passive income
- An empty calendar
- My forever home, paid off
- Vacation home in Maui
- 2 Teslas (S and X)
- Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

Hell, Michigan

Roads in the state of Michigan were in terrible shape due to weather and wear, but no are suffered more than the little town of Hell- a tourist trap that depended on traffic for income.

The mayor of Hell began to research potential repairs for their roads. One interested party was a man name...

What's the difference between a Redditor and a Lawyer?

One has to factually back up everything they say or face scrutiny from their peers...the other pulls in a 6-figure income.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.