"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

**Papa John:**

**Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

**Papa John:** And that's...

**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

A Chinese man lost both of his horses which were major source of his income.

He was unstable.

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

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What are pornstars paid?

Income.

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

Is this illegal?

So i was donating one of my kidneys at my town local hospital and then for some reason they're paying me for it, so i thought it was a great source of income and the next morning i came with 5 other kidneys, instead of paying me, they're calling 911, why?

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

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Old lady decides to be a prostitute to complement her income

Arriving home, she counts the profit with her husband:
- Its U$100,50.
- Honey, who gave you 50 cents?
- What do you mean "who gave me 50 cents"?! Everyone!

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

Job pays in puppies

So I interviewed for a job the other day and, in negotiating salary, they said they pay in puppies instead of dollars. After considering their offer I came to the conclusion that it was income petable.

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Old man

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: W...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night?

because his Beets were sick

I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler.

At least he has a stable income though.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

Held up at gunpoint, Murderer asks if I have any last words

Murderer: “Well, what are they?”

Me: “Um, it’s a bit embarrassing”

Murderer: “Just spit it out, you’re about to be dead anyway”

Me: “Alright then. I’ve lived my life without a family, without a wife, and without any love. I have a good job, stable income, and even recently bough...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

Why do underground hackers report their income to the IRS?

They know how the system will react to sin tax errors

If you tell a really incredible story about making money...

It's an incomparable income parable.

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

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A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desper...

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My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

If everyone contributes a small amount of their income...

Together we can pool the resources to defeat socialism.

Pastor, Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing their income.

A pastor asks his friends, a Priest and a Rabbi, how their income is determined.

The Priest responds, "I take all the offering and put it in a bucket. I draw a circle thats 2 feet in diameter on the ground and stand in the middle of it. Then I use the bucket and throw the money into the air. ...

I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income

I guess I'm Jewish.

Why couldn’t the poor man donate at the sperm bank?

He was too low income

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What is politics?

A son asks the father: **"What is politics?"**

Then the father says, **"Well, son, that's easy.**

**Look, I'll bring the money home, so I'm the capitalist (the income).**

**Your mother manages the money, she is the government.**

**Grandpa takes care that everything here h...

A businessman is walking down a...

A businessman is walking down a village and meets a lazy guy who's sitting under a tree. Businessman: Why are you just sitting there doing nothing, go water those trees over there so you can grow some fruit and sell them to make money.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can use that money to...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

How many dogs can one blind person have?

Depends on his income.

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

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Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

How would you describe an anti-vaxxer family with three children?

Double income, no kids.

What's the difference between a Redditor and a Lawyer?

One has to factually back up everything they say or face scrutiny from their peers...the other pulls in a 6-figure income.

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way.

The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"


One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't y...

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

It's interesting how different parts of the country have different ways of saying the same thing.

For instance, in most parts of the country, having an income of $100k or more is called "making six figures".

However, here in San Francisco, we call that same thing "living above the poverty line".

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

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