Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My wo...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."

Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

Menstruating salary

My salary is to me like having the period is to a woman. It's always here once a month and usually gone within a week. It gets a little worrying when it's late, and I know I'm definitely screwed if it stops showing up.

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month. Husband: ok. If you fail, I will h...

Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are deciding what portion of the tithe they will get for their salaries.

The pastor says, “I have an idea” and takes off his belt and lays it on the ground. He then says, “Okay. So we throw the tithe up in the air and whatever lands inside this belt is our salary.”
The Priest says, “Nonsense. When we throw the tithe up in the air, whatever lands outside the belt wi...

My friend's dad asked what my salary was

I replied "1 million dollars."

He said "Wow! What do you do?"

I said "I tell good lies"

He then said "So you're a politician?"

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

In loving memory of my salary

Date given: November 1, 2019

Died: November 1, 2019

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me.

"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

I took a job with a "competitive salary".

In the end, the salary beat me to the ground.

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

Types of salaries

* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying

* The damned salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it

* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence

* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't

* The per...

My yearly salary is over six figures.

I bring in a cool $27,739.48 per year.

HR jokes

My salary was 2500$. One month I received 2700$ and I kept quiet. The following month I received 2300$ and I went straight to the HR Manager to complain.

The HR Manager asked why you did not complain the previous month when you got 200 extra?

I replied - I normally forgive the first mi...

What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schön.

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My salary is like my cock.

It's not going to impress a woman.

Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?

Applicant: How much is the salary?

Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000

Applicant: I will start later then.

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day

And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

With your current salary what Apple product can you buy?

Apple juice

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

Blessed are the guys......

Without girlfriends, for they shall enjoy their salary in peace.

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What is the difference between your salary and your penis?

I can find loads of women to blow your salary

When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary

But he said "paltry" and " inadequate" were already taken.

A student asks another student, "How many zeroes does your salary have?"

He responds "One"

"In which currency?"

"Any :("

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" ...

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

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I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary.

Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.

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My coworker and I have the same job title with the same number of years experience. He was pissed when he found out my salary was only a fraction his.

Turns out that fraction is 2/1

Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?

Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

I would never hire a woman.

Would be way too much trouble to calculate 78% of a normal salary.

How do you know you're an adult?

You realize The Sims is a financial fantasy game where a 2 story house costs 100 000$ and can be afforded with a working salary

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Out of curiosity a woman asked a man "Do men every say 'no, I have a girlfriend?"

The man laughed and said, "when someone offers a woman money, does she say no, I have a salary?

I have a joke

A teacher's salary

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

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What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

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Or what?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The doctor advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You see, doct...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

Man is at a job interview

Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.

Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.

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One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...

Job pays in puppies

So I interviewed for a job the other day and, in negotiating salary, they said they pay in puppies instead of dollars. After considering their offer I came to the conclusion that it was income petable.

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

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A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell...

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

The wife checked her husband's phone and found the following names.....

- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number to which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!

She cried until her eyes ...

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A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man l...

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

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Unrealistic Porn

Something that I find really unrealistic about teacher porn is when the female teacher has fake breasts, there's no way in the world that a teacher's salary can pay for that.

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