Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

Starting Salary.

,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a packag...

Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.

I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

I have a joke

A teacher's salary

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are deciding what portion of the tithe they will get for their salaries.

The pastor says, “I have an idea” and takes off his belt and lays it on the ground. He then says, “Okay. So we throw the tithe up in the air and whatever lands inside this belt is our salary.”
The Priest says, “Nonsense. When we throw the tithe up in the air, whatever lands outside the belt wi...

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

In loving memory of my salary

Date given: November 1, 2019

Died: November 1, 2019

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My wo...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

Why do you ask for such a high salary if you don't have any experience?

-Well, it's a lot harder to work if you have no idea what you are doing

Boss call an employee in his office

“I am sorry but we have to let you go. However according to our policy we will compensate your by paying you a 6 month salary.” The guy hates his job so he is quite relieved about the news. Whistling happily he decides to invest the money on himself and goes to a car dealer. When he enters the shop ...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregati...

How do you know you're an adult?

You realize The Sims is a financial fantasy game where a 2 story house costs 100 000$ and can be afforded with a working salary

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My salary is like my cock.

It's not going to impress a woman.

I took a job with a "competitive salary".

In the end, the salary beat me to the ground.

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schön.

An employee working at a software development company was not satisfied with his salary...

An employee working at a software development company was not satisfied with his salary. He went to visit his boss in his office to discuss the matter. "I feel like I have been making a valuable contribution to this business, yet I don't feel appreciated. Quite simply put: I want a raise." The boss ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between your salary and your penis?

I can find loads of women to blow your salary

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Job pays in puppies

So I interviewed for a job the other day and, in negotiating salary, they said they pay in puppies instead of dollars. After considering their offer I came to the conclusion that it was income petable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

With your current salary what Apple product can you buy?

Apple juice

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day

And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary.

Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.

When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary

But he said "paltry" and " inadequate" were already taken.

A student asks another student, "How many zeroes does your salary have?"

He responds "One"

"In which currency?"

"Any :("

Out of curiosity a woman asked a man "Do men every say 'no, I have a girlfriend?"

The man laughed and said, "when someone offers a woman money, does she say no, I have a salary?

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...

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My coworker and I have the same job title with the same number of years experience. He was pissed when he found out my salary was only a fraction his.

Turns out that fraction is 2/1

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" ...

Types of salaries

* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying

* The damned salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it

* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence

* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't

* The per...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unrealistic Porn

Something that I find really unrealistic about teacher porn is when the female teacher has fake breasts, there's no way in the world that a teacher's salary can pay for that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?

Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

The wife checked her husband's phone and found the following names.....

- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number to which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!

She cried until her eyes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.

I would never hire a woman.

Would be way too much trouble to calculate 78% of a normal salary.

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell...

Man is at a job interview

Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.

Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

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Or what?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The doctor advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You see, doct...

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man l...

The new CEO of a factory comes in to work.

The new CEO of a factory comes into work, determined to turn things around. He sees a man standing on the floor of a factory, not doing any work.

He goes up to the man and asks, “What do you think you’re doing?”

The man shrugs and replies, “Just hanging around. Waiting to get paid.”...

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn Rs.25,000...

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prison vs Work

Prison | Work
:--:|:--:
You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. | You spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
You get 3 meals a day. | You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
The guard locks and unlock doors for you. | You must carry a card and unl...

Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

Yesterday, I went to a Louis Vuitton showroom with my wife

I was shocked to find that my salary was printed on a shoe

I had a job interview today.

I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.

The guy asked me when I could start.

I replied "In three months."

An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

Back in the day...

...when I still went to school, I had only one true friend. His name was Eddy and although we had different interests, we got along really well. Since I was good in science classes I often times helped him with his homework because for some reason he was only interested in history classes. Actually ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Or What ?

Man: Doctor, my wife is not having sex with me at all.

Doctor: Really? Ask her to come see me tomorrow then.

The man's wife goes to the doctor the following day.

Doctor: Your husband tells me you’re not having sex with him?

Wife: Oh, my dear doctor, what can I tell you? I...

What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days?

Her husband's salary.

A guy goes to a job interview.

At the end of the interview the boss says:
-We will hire you, but you will start at the minimum salary. Later on it will increase.
The guy replied:
-Ok! Then I guess I'll see you later!

Why is everybody questioning Trump’s integrity?

He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, this guy starts a new job

and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell ...

Heaven and Hell

Heaven is:

Indian wife

Chinese food

British home

American salary


Hell is:

American wife

British food

Chinese home

Indian salary

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