UPJOKE
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Early Jokes

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

Because the punchline gets spoiled early.

Why is this time travel joke not funny?

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

Too Early.

Fireworks being let off already, I think it's bloody ridiculous.

Far too early, my cat was so scared he ran up our Christmas tree..

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there...

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come...

I'm really getting sick of turning up early to concerts

They always promise The Doors will be opening for every band, but they never show up.

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

Is it too early for jokes about the submersible?

Because I have one that will crush it.

What do we muslims call the early call to prayer that wakes us up in the morning?

The Allahm clock

Why did the austronaut leave the party early?

Because they needed some space.

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

Early Man used to wonder where the sun went at night.

Then it dawned on him.

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

Does anyone else set the timer two minutes early when baking

Just to hear your wife scream like the house is on fire 30 seconds after the buzzer goes off while you sit calmly on the couch?

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

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Tampax starting early

Just seen the new Tampax advert,

They're replacing the string on all of their best selling tampons with tinsel.

Bit early in my opinion,


when its only for the christmas period.

A man gets up early Sunday morning

He goes downstairs, puts on his bike gear, takes his bike in the garage but when he opens the door he notices it is pouring. Bummed out, he puts his bike back, undresses, goes back upstairs and crawls back under the sheets, spoons his wife and whispers: "Awful weather outside" And his wife goes: "Ha...

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I finished work early.

I came home early one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck?

You carry on like this you ain't gonna have any friends left.

I asked my boss, “Can I leave work early today?”

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Me: It’s 49 past 70 o clock.

Boss: You’re fired.

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early

She told me to use the back door and to be quick.

I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

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A man comes home early from work;

A man comes home early from work; As he enters the house hears noises coming from above

He rushes up the stairs and into the bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend Jim.

Oh Jim, how could you? We went to school together; we were in the scouts together, we….

Ji...

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We celebrate Christmas early in our household.

We have to, I'm usually shitfaced by noon.

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

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Nobody's angry when Santa comes early

But when I do it, my wife is pissed!

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It was early morning and whilst walking through the cemetery ….

I passed by an elderly gentleman crouched beside a grave. “Morning” I said, “No, just having a shit” he replied

(Sorry if this is a repost, the joke just popped into my head)

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Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day.

His Dad seeing him walk into the house was visibly confused and asked Little Johnny why he was sent home.


"I failed my math test" he told his Dad.


"How!? We been studying all week for that stupid thing!" his dad replied angerly.


"First the teacher asked me 'What is ...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

I hate how funerals are always so early in the day.

I'm really not a mourning person.

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale

A family of moles on an early breakfast morning.

The big ol papa mole raises his head up out of the hole and smells the air then says "i smell pancakes!"

Then the big ol mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole, smells the air, and says "i smell pancakes!"

Then itty bitty lil ol baby mole wiggles up between big ol papa mole and b...

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Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on ...

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

Wife came home early from work

So the other day my wife unexpectedly came home early from work and asked me if I wanted to play Monopoly with her. I agreed but while we were playing, I caught her cheating. I called her out on it and she just shrugged and said, "if you're not cheating, you're not trying!" That's when her sister bu...

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NSFW Coming early

What is the favorite dish of men who suffer from premature ejaculation?

Bang bang. Shrimp.

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

Although my wife is still young, I think she's showing early signs old dementia.

For example, twice this week she told me she doesn't remember what she saw in me.

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

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I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

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[Long] Johnny comes home from school early...

...and decides to play with his toys in his parents room, as he is never allowed.

However as he begins to play he hears the front door open, and footsteps come down the hallway towards the room. In fear of getting caught Johnny quickly hides in his parents closet.

Peeking through a cra...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

In the early days, we had Kingdoms run by Kings.

And Empires run by Emperors.

Now we have Countries run by...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

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Early

I know it's early, but a very happy new year from The Premature Ejaculation Society.

I once saw a drama about menstruation in the early 1800s

It was a period piece

What do you get when you cross an early bird and a night owl?

Shut the f up, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night!

Wife comes home early

A woman comes home from work early, opens the bedroom door and sees her husband in bed with a sheep in the crux of his arm. The man says " this is the pig I screw when you claim to have a headache ". The woman responds " that's a sheep you idiot". The man responds ...." I wasn't talking to you"

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

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In the early days of pioneer life, a compass was essential. One of the more common varieties was called the "Tates" compass.

Unfortunately it was a very low quality compass. From which comes the expression: He who has a "Tates," is lost.

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

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Husband comes back from the business trip early to surprise his wife

However his wife has a surprise of her own as she is busy with someine else in the bedroom. As soon as he enters the house and announces "surprise, I am home honey"

she gets scared shitless and hides the guy in wardrobe(closet?). while doing that his nuts are stuck in the door and are left ha...

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

I saw Batman leaving Church early on Easter

It was the first time I had seen a Christian Bale

Early Celebrations

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th


Why?

Because I like to reduce fractions.

Happy New Year

Too early for Valentine's jokes?

What did one volcano say to another volcano?

I Lava You!

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

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A woman was in the middle of the affair, when her husband came home early

The lover was immediately sent to the closet. Little did the lover know, the child of the wife was there the entire time.

- It is really dark in here. - said the child.

- Yes, indeed. - answered the lover quitely after realising the situation.

- Do you like baseball? - asked th...

I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.

What a nice day.

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

There were many knights.

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Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

Did you hear the one about Schroedingers failed early experiments with ice boxes?

He titled his paper “Ice Ice Maybe”.

A guy arrives home early...

Father: you’re home early...

Son: *sigh* yeah, I got kicked out.

Father: What?! Why?!

Son: the prettiest girl in my math class offered to give me a handjob and I just couldn’t say “no”

Father: I don’t think they’re going to let you teach there anymore

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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