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A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

The pope arrives super early to a flight

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the offi...

Stuttering man released from prison early..

He could not finish his sentence

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

​

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

​

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drin...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'

​

To your wallet.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

All these people getting pregnant at an early age....

Just enchant the condom with unbreaking III and you'll be fine

My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.

"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."...

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car

Just kidding.

​

I don't have a license.

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...

It was frowned upon.

I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.

I was in tears.

I could never trust her again.

I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.

Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.

​

​

I said, "bad dog".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They finish the joke too early!

Uh, sorry...

I was going to say, “Why don’t you see any comedians with premature ejaculation?”

In the early 1980’s

I once crashed my bike and skinned my elbow and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media back then.

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I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.

"Morning!" I yelled towards him.

He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

What do redditors and early spanish explorers have in common?

They both want gold.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

I went bald early in life but I kept my comb

I just can’t part with it

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Early One Morning

Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very s...

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

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A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early...

"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Indeed it is," the man responds.

"I have a baseball," says the boy.

"That's nice," he says.

"I'll sell it to you...

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

Few months after their parents divorce, little Johny came home early ..

And heard moaning sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.

He peeked in and saw his mom completely naked and rubbing her crotch moaning " oh god, I need a man ,oh god, I need a man " .

Little Johny ignored it and left .

Few days later , when little Johny came home early , he heard ...

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I went to a premature ejaculators conference, no one was there....I came too early.

Didn't know what to wear so I just came in my pants.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Steve comes home early to find his best friend naked in bed with his wife having sex.

“Bob! I mean, come on man! I expected it from her, but you and I have been friends since grade school. We played football together. You were the best man at my wedd.. could you two at least stop while I’m talking?”

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Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

I asked my boss, “Can I go home early?”

He said, “Only if you make up the time.”

Me: Ok, it is now 35 past 70.

Boss: You’re fired.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work early

As he walks in he says honey I’m home. There was no reply. He then ventures to the kitchen wife was nowhere to be seen so calls out her name “ fucarada” still no reply.
He walks to the bottom of the stairs and yells out “ FUCARADA” to which he get a reply, mate give me a break I’m fucking her as ...

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking through the cemetery early one day

I seen the top of a head peeking above a tombstone. "Morning" I said, he replied "no just taking a shit."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day little Johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex

One day little johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex. The parents got flustered and got dressed in haste.

"Why are you jumping on daddy?" asked Johnny.

"Daddy has a big belly, so mommy is trying to help flatten it for him".

4 months go past a...

*Early semester* Teacher: We'll go through this topic in detail in later classes

*Later into semester* Teacher: I remember going through this topic in earlier classes so I'm going to skip it.
Students: wtf?

One day a man returns home early...

Wife: Why are you early home today?

Husband: because boss told me to just go to hell.

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

What do you call batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

Santa came early

Is the only time someone came early and bore presents and not child support

So I get home from work a little early one day.

My dog came trotting around the corner covered in dirt and mud holding a rabbit in his mouth. No blood. Just dirt.

Now, my neighbors had been raising rabbits for the 4H for several years and I immediately knew it was one of theirs.

I quickly get the rabbit from my dog and take it in ...

What do you call a store of early Soviet trinkets?

Trotsky's Chachkies

We were born too late to explore the earth and born too early too explore the galaxy...

But we were born at the right time to explore grapes

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My Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting is scheduled to last a hour, but

We tend to finish early.

Why did the cannibal leave the party early?

He was fed up with people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

Why does Ron Artest do his Christmas shopping early?

He likes to beat the crowd.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Why did the ghosts' party end early?

They were all out of boos.

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

Why did the European arrive early?

Because he was Russian.

​

I'll show myself out...

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

A man comes home early...

... and find his wife and his best friend doing it in on the couch the middle of the living room. Shocked, he starts crying:

"Mary, my love, what are you doing? How can you cheat on me, I've dedicated you the best part of my life, and you're doing this?

And John, my best friend, how c...

Why did the shrimp leave the night club early?

Because he got laid by a muscle

Keep your eyes out for the early signs of a psychopath:

1) Obsession with setting fires
2) Persistent bedwetting past the age of 5
3) Cruelty to animals
4) Pronouncing "GIF" with a soft "G"

Did anyone hear about the family that made pumpkins a month early?

The pumpkins were premature e-jack-o-lanterns.

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.

What a nice day.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

I was stargazing in the early hours when...

...The sky started to get brighter and brighter. I couldn't understand what was happening. Then it dawned on me.

Obscure jokes are like ultra early archer rushes against diety AI in Civ III

They usually fail miserably.

I’m an incredibly punctual person. I show up 15 minutes early everywhere I go and I expect the same from my friends and loved ones.

So when my girlfriend told me that she was late, I realized that it was never going to work between us and immediately left her.

Early morning revelations

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...