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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

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A guy gets home early from work

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but...

I hate how funerals are always so early in the day.

I'm really not a mourning person.

What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in bed.

Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

The teacher tells the class: 'Whoever gets the next question right, can go home early.'

Benjamin throws his pencil to the front of the class. Teacher picks it up and asks: 'Who was that?'
Benjamin: 'Me, have a nice day.'

The early bird gets the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

My girlfriend left me this note saying she got her period early

. I got my period early

Stuttering man released from prison early..

He could not finish his sentence

Why will 6ix9ine get out of jail early?

Because mumble rappers never finish their sentences.

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

My cousin sells early Deep Purple records for a living.

He's a Hush dealer.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

Genghis Khan was vicious from an early age.

I remember when he took his first steppe.

Why do Hong Kong Police wake up so early?

So they can beat the crowds

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked...

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

What do you call an Asian that is born early?

Suden li

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

All these people getting pregnant at an early age....

Just enchant the condom with unbreaking III and you'll be fine

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One day a husband comes home early from work...

And see’s his wife’s clothes sprawled all over the living room, surprised and confused, he rushes for his bedroom and see’s her butt naked on their bed with a suspicious look on her face. Alright, where is he? He asks. Furious, he starts throwing a fit and searches every nook and crack to no avail....

My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

Man: Boss, can I leave early today?

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Man: Fine. It’s 35 past 70.

Boss: You’re fired.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

People in LA are complaining that the early warning system didn't work.

You FOOLS.

LA IS THE EARLY WARNING SYSTEM.

So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”

The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the he...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.



The brunette left and decided to go shopping.



The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.



The ...

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A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with the neighbor

The man grabs the neighbor by the dick and balls and leads him to garage, where he tightens a vice around the neighbor’s dick. The husband leaves and comes back just moments later with a knife in his hands.


“Dear God, you’re not going to cut it off, are you!!?!?” screams the neighbor
<...

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?

Because the sauce ages

In the early days of space exploration, there were two astronauts on a space station orbiting earth

The first astronaut says:
"I want to make some coffee but I can't find the milk"

Second astronaut replies:
"In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

What did the Pope call Batman when he caught him leaving church early?

Christian Bale

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.

I was in tears.

I could never trust her again.

I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.

Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.





I said, "bad dog".

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.

"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

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I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.

"Morning!" I yelled towards him.

He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car

Just kidding.



I don't have a license.

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They finish the joke too early!

Uh, sorry...

I was going to say, “Why don’t you see any comedians with premature ejaculation?”

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?

Because he was an early bird

What do redditors and early spanish explorers have in common?

They both want gold.

In the early 1980’s

I once crashed my bike and skinned my elbow and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media back then.

Few months after their parents divorce, little Johny came home early ..

And heard moaning sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.

He peeked in and saw his mom completely naked and rubbing her crotch moaning " oh god, I need a man ,oh god, I need a man " .

Little Johny ignored it and left .

Few days later , when little Johny came home early , he heard ...

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
...

I went bald early in life but I kept my comb

I just can’t part with it

People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...

It was frowned upon.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

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Early One Morning

Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very s...

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I went to a premature ejaculators conference, no one was there....I came too early.

Didn't know what to wear so I just came in my pants.

Why do Pirates always end up retiring early?

Because from a young age they were taught to contribute to their  ARRRR-ARRRR-SP

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

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Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

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I was walking through the cemetery early one day

I seen the top of a head peeking above a tombstone. "Morning" I said, he replied "no just taking a shit."

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

One day a man returns home early...

Wife: Why are you early home today?

Husband: because boss told me to just go to hell.

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Steve comes home early to find his best friend naked in bed with his wife having sex.

“Bob! I mean, come on man! I expected it from her, but you and I have been friends since grade school. We played football together. You were the best man at my wedd.. could you two at least stop while I’m talking?”

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

*Early semester* Teacher: We'll go through this topic in detail in later classes

*Later into semester* Teacher: I remember going through this topic in earlier classes so I'm going to skip it.
Students: wtf?

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

Why did the cannibal leave the party early?

He was fed up with people.

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