Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?

To beat the crowd.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...

I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.



In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I’m retiring and living of my savings early.

Not sure what to do on the second day though

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

What did the arts museum acquisitions director say to the cultural benefactor and collector of early Renaissance paintings?

S3ND NUD3S

Went to a seafood disco last weekend. But ended up going home early though...

..pulled a mussel.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

Wife: “why are you home so early?”

Husband: “My Boss told me to go to hell!”

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Stalin wakes up early one morning and walks onto his balcony to watch the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone.

Then it dawned on me.

The early bird gets the worm, but

the early baby gets the coat hangar

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...

The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and say...

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

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Early

I know it's early, but a very happy new year from The Premature Ejaculation Society.

I really needed to go early to bed, but I thought I could play just one more game.

Then it dawned on me.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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A man was walking home from a night out early in the morning when

he spots a teenage girl crying on the top of a building, so he rushes up to her.
man: "Don't jump!"
girl: "But i have nothing to live for! I've never even been kissed before!"
Despite having a wife, he kisses her, which calms her down. She sighs and starts to walk towards the staircase, and...

I went bald early in life and I have a comb...

I just can't part with it.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Early Celebrations

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th


Why?

Because I like to reduce fractions.

Happy New Year

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In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in his bed.

I hate how funerals are always so early in the day.

I'm really not a mourning person.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

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I'd rather have my orgasm denied than go off early...

Cuz hey, it's better than nuttin'

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.

One of them decides to start a conversation.
“So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.”

The second man says:
“I arrived at the factory too early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.”

T...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

Man comes home early and finds his mate in bed with his wife.

So he stabbed him to death.. his wife says,

"Carry on like that and you'll have no mates left"

Why do American schools start so early?

Sun’s out guns out!

Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

Today, I came home early to find my wife in bed

"Oh you're home early!" she said and started turning red. I had a joke for her and so I said

"Did you know yuri said I was hot?" My wife immediately asked

"Who's yuri?"
Then the guy under the covers said "Yuri-tarded!" And started laughing.

I came home from work early one night...

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I he...

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight

back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other

A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys

If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

19 early teens went to a cinema to watch a dirty movie...

... they said "let us in, we're over 18".

Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

Buk Buk..... Chicken !

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘

The librari...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

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The teacher tells the class: 'Whoever gets the next question right, can go home early.'

Benjamin throws his pencil to the front of the class. Teacher picks it up and asks: 'Who was that?'
Benjamin: 'Me, have a nice day.'

My girlfriend left me this note saying she got her period early

. I got my period early

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She...

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

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A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.

"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."

"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. T...

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

I arrived at the sperm bank, but there's nobody here

I think I came too early

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

All these people getting pregnant at an early age....

Just enchant the condom with unbreaking III and you'll be fine

What do you call an Asian that is born early?

Suden li

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

My cousin sells early Deep Purple records for a living.

He's a Hush dealer.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

Genghis Khan was vicious from an early age.

I remember when he took his first steppe.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.



The brunette left and decided to go shopping.



The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.



The ...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked...

TIL children had to stay a certain distance away from Kings in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

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One day a husband comes home early from work...

And see’s his wife’s clothes sprawled all over the living room, surprised and confused, he rushes for his bedroom and see’s her butt naked on their bed with a suspicious look on her face. Alright, where is he? He asks. Furious, he starts throwing a fit and searches every nook and crack to no avail....

God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."

Used to this, Peter nodded.

The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to t...

So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

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