Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

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I'm thinking of leaving the wife as she hasn't been interested in sex since our daughter died, but I can't do it just yet.

The ambulance is blocking my car in.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

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Don't Do It!

A slightly tipsy woman is watching TV and yells: "Don't go to the church you dumb bitch! Don't do it!"

Her husband askes: "What are you watching?"

She replies: "Our wedding video!"

I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it.

If I can only find an old enough joke book..

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

I’m going to start a new business, do it yourself crematoriums.

I will call it Build a bier workshop.

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

My wife and I do it doggy style....

###I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

What do IT companies and cannabis dispensaries have in common?

They both regularly perform strain tests.

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A man is walking home one night when a woman stops him and says, "twenty dollars." He had never been with a prostitute before, but he decided to do it.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

“What’s going on here?” asks a police officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man says.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I until you turned on that light."

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm, after I told him not to do it.

So I immediately grounded him.

I don't get it. When Civet's do it, it's the "smoothest" and "best" coffee.

When I do it, it's "disgusting" "depraved" and they shut down my cafe......

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat the...

My girlfriends dad said that if i did her anything he'd do it twice back

So I gave her 500$

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars are zooming by, while he waits for a break in traffic. Then a Chicken walks by and says " don't do it.. "

" .. you'll never hear the end of it "

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

If your man says he will do the job, he will damn do it

There is no point in reminding him every 6 months

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..

But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.

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I told my wife I had a cuck fetish. She said "ok tomorrow night lets do it". That night I get home, go upstairs and shes in the bedroom having sex with another man!

I was so upset i dropped my rolling pin and spatula

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

BRUCE WAYNE: I won't do it

**ALFRED:** Sir, you have to sing along or it'll look suspicious

**CHOIR:** *Jingle bells...*

**BRUCE: [choking back tears]** ...Batman smells

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

I ask my wife if we could try to do it doggy style...

She rolled over and played dead

I heard they can do brain transplants now! I was all set to do it....

...but my local doctor changed my mind.

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?

To dissolve the sugar

I met a old guy, he’s been married 60 years. I asked “how did you do it”...

He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.

So that's how you do it

I was caught standing on my toilet and I was asked "what are you doing?" I said "I am trying to get high on pot."

I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either

I just didn't become a surgeon

Murphy’s Law : “If there’s any way they can do it wrong, they will”. But Cole’s Law:

“thats just cabbage.”

A girl told her boyfriend that she was ready to "do it"

He was very excited and quickly went out to buy condoms from the nearest pharmacy. He found one nearby named Literal Pharmacy.

He went in and asked the owner for condoms. The owner asked him “which pack? Single, tripple pack, jumbo, or their special "family" pack?”
The boy asked for the f...

If anyone on Reddit ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it!!!!

It’s a trap!!

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she growled angrily. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

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My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

When I cheat on my wife, I always do it in the morning

Because at the end of the day, I’m faithful

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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My wife has a moto: "If it takes less than 5 minutes, I will do it now."

We have sex constantly.

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

If you have to cut your own hair during this pandemic, do it on the porch.

The haircut will still look terrible, but cleanup is a breeze.

I don't know if you ever tuck your knees under your chin and lean forward as far as you can, but I do it all the time.

It's how I roll.

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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Old joke: Andrew Dice was getting a blowjob from his girlfriend. Just before he cums, she says "why do you want to do it in my mouth?" ... And Dice says:

"Honey, it's a nice restaurant...I dont wanna mess up your hair.."

I was about to stitch up her wound, but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

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That'll do it

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a proce...

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

"What?! I'm gonna die!? That can't be right! Do it again or you're fired!"

"But sir, your COVID-19 test came back *negative,* Mr. President."

My job always gets me wet. I occasionally do it standing up, but often do it while laying on my back. Men call me for help when they don’t want to do the job themselves. What am I?

A plumber.

I was having trouble driving when I found a video of guy with no arms who was drifting around in a car like it was nothing. It really moved me and I decided if he can do it, so can I.

And I did do it! But there's still a part of me that misses my arms though.

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

Seen at the dispensary today....If you have to cough, please do it far away. Otherwise you may be asked

To far cough

It was cool being an introvert till the government started telling everybody to do it.

Now I wanna go outside.

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

The best advice my mom ever gave me: “if you want something done right, do it yourself....

unless you’re Jeffery Epstein.”

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

He didn’t say it as much as he screamed it: “put it down, don’t do it! If you do...you have no idea what kind of trouble you’ll be in.”

But I just opened that can of worms anyway.

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

That's how to do it...

Bob and Marty were out drinking one night and were talking. Bob: I just can't seem to fool my wife, no matter what I do. I park the car a block from the house and walk the rest of the way. I enter the house as quietly as I can. I take of my shoes before I slowly climb the stairs. I get undressed in...

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

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It's often said that if something will take less than 5 minutes, just go and do it now.

I guess I'll go and have sex now then.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

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If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself"

That's why I'm still a virgin.

I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again.

I didn't want to deal with repercussions.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

Where does a bear do its shopping?

The maul

Why didn't the toy manufacturer do it with his wife tonight?

Small parts are choking hazards.

Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

How do IT guys take a dump?

They log out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

When two people do it, it's called twosome.

When three people do it, it's called threesome.
Now I think I know why all my friends call me handsome...

I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.

I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend and I were talking about sex and I asked him, if his girlfriend lets him do it in the other hole.

He quickly exclaimed: Hell NO!!! She might get pregnant.

Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wants to do anal but I'm not sure if I should do it.

On the one hand, I'd love to do her the favor, but on the other hand I'm really scared of that big black strap-on dildo.

Ladies, if your man says he is going to do something, he will do it...

You don't need to keep reminding him every six months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife and I first got married; we'd do it everywhere around the house...

... the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, you name it.

Now that we're older though... We just have hallway sex. That's where we pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo girl, let's do it like dial-up Internet;

real slow, with all kinds of fucked up noises.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten bucks says you won't do it.

So this man walks into a bar, and notices a large jar on the counter stuffed with cash. He orders a drink, and he asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar?"
The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, complete the challenge, and you win the jar."
"So what's the challenge?"
"Sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is ready to do it for the first time [NSFW]

He walks into a pharmacy late at night and goes to the counter, approaching the girl standing on the other side. "Do you have any condoms?" He asks her. "Yes, we have a few kinds. This is our best." She presents him with a blue box and says "Do you know how to use them?" He shakes his head. "Follow ...

My Dad showed me how to make bread, then he wanted me to do it on my own...

While I was kneeding the dough, he said, "This time, I won't tell you what to do next"

I told him, "I don't need you to"

He said, "Prove it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THAT's how you do it!

So there's a couple that have been happily married for 30 years, except for one thing: the woman has never had an orgasm. So they visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor listens to their tale of woe, and says to the husband, "Here's what you do. Go to the gym and find a strapping young man....

Everyone loves to do it but hates when others do it.

Fart.

TIL that if you thank or reward someone for something before they do it, they feel obliged to do it

thanks for the gold, stranger!

If you’re going to murder someone do it with a Tupperware top

No one will ever be able to find it.

My dad wants me to help him buy a tablet, but I'm not gonna do it.

There's no way I'm getting tangled up with these black-market antiquities dealers.

I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis

I guess you could say I dabble

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Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again.

I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

Why do redneck couples love to do it doggy-style?

That way they can both watch the Monster Trucks.

My mother always told me: "If you want a job done well, do it yourself"

That theory didn't pan out too well with my last surgery.

How many white guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they pay the Mexicans to do it. Okay, how many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Juan

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

My friend was about to jump off of the balcony of my sixth floor apartment. I yelled “Don’t do it!...

... You have too much potential.”

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