UPJOKE
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My wife of 62 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love”……

…..and you answer, "I can't do both."

My girlfriend said "Let's make love"

I said "What, here in the kitchen?"

She said "Yes, the clock's broken and I want to time three minutes for this egg".

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

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Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

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I divorced my wife because I wanted to make love on a plane but she didn’t…

…she just never gave a flying fuck.

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

My wife said to me, "I wish you would make love to me like you did when we were courting"

So I took her to the back of the bike shed at school and got her pregnant again.

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow!"

The man turns to the sheep and chuckles, "She thinks I'm talking to her."

A man was having trouble getting his wife to make love to him anymore

So one night just before bedtime, he offered her a glass of water and two aspirins.

“What are you giving me these for?”, asked the wife. “I don’t have a headache.”

“Great!” said the man. “Let’s get started.”

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

Make love not war...

If you want both, get married.

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A man is 93 and his wife is 85 and she says to him "As its saturday night, come up stairs and make love to me"...

He says "Well i can't do both"....

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

[NSFW] Ever make love while camping?

Yeah, neither have I.

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably..

Ive never pointed a gun at anyone before.

When I make love it's like a misquito bite

You don't feel anything until the itching starts.

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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

What's the best was to make love to a sheep?

On the edge of a cliff so it pushes back.

Two parents wanted to make love

Two parents wanted to make love,but the children were still awake, so the mother said :who will sleep early today will get 100$,............................... ...............................................................................................................................................

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

Why Do Canadians Always Make Love Doggie-Style?

So they don't miss the hockey game.

I did everything I could to get my wife to make love to me. At least I know I gave it my best effort. . .

Before hand.

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A young man and his wife are about to make love [NSFW]

A bee flies in the window and into her vagina. Understandably, this upsets them both, the husband calls the doctor and explains the situation. “Just stay where you are, don’t move, and try to keep your wife calm,” says the old doctor.

After inspecting the situation, the doctor looks at the ...

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The princess wouldn't let prince make love to her

Ages ago there was a kingdom where a royal wedding took place.

Prince and a princess had a feast and then went to their chambers to consume their marriage, but there was a problem - the princess wouldn't let prince make love to her.

The prince waited and tried every day for next couple...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

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Make love with Ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
.
About 90 students raised their hands.
.
"Well, that's a good start.
.
Out of tho...

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

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I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it." He chuckled, Don't worry that's quite common."

Reluctantly relieved, I asked, "Really?"

"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women?

Mace...

Farmers dont make love

They plow!

A bee is about to make love to his wife.

As she's freshening up in the bathroom, he is lying in bed under the covers when he's overcome by a weird sensation. Looking under the covers, he sees his testes have exited his body, seemingly as if they're about to go for a trip with mini suitcases packed, tiny coats and hats worn. The testes noti...

I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.

I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.

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Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise t...

I make love like a machine.

Unfortunately it's a two-stroke engine.

How do you make love to a nursery rhyme character?

You hump-ty-dumpty

An old woman wants to make love to her husband.

She shows up completely naked while he is watching TV. The man says: 'What are you doing?'. She answers with: 'I am wearing the Dress Of Love, do you like it?'. He thinks a little while and replies: 'You know, it might have looked better if you ironed it first'.

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Thanks to Viagra I can make love to my wife for the first time in in ten years.

It doesn't even matter that she's been dead for five.

What do you get if you try and make love to a gorilla?

Kicked out of the zoo

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Why is titty fucking a girl the most romantic way to make love?

Because it's when you're closest to her heart.

My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love...

which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.

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A husband and wife come home one night and decide to make love...

They go to the bedroom, take each others clothes off, and start to get it on. Things were starting to get hot and heavy, the husband suddenly freezes in place. The wife said "Honey, what the fuck are you doing?". The husband replied "I wanted to try this technique I saw in a porno one time, it's cal...

She said, "I want you to make love to me so badly."

He replied, "And that's exactly what I'm going to do."

A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time...

She replied "I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"

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