A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I haven't found anybody who fits.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

How does Trump screw in a light bulb?

He waits for the world to revolve around him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to turn the ladder and the other to hold the cock...father....FUCK... lightbulb

I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “

“I have a right to bare arms.”

How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.



It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you screw a nihilist into a lightbulb?

Nothing, because it doesn't fucking matter.

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but you’d need a pretty big bulb to fit them in there.

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna ride bikes!?

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

Why did the Chinese screw up the US by devaluing their currency?

If you are Chinese you can do whatever yuan.

How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I’m not sure, but they haven’t even bought the bulb yet. Guess they’re still waiting for the Mexicans to pay for it.

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3: 1 to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; 1 to repost as if they did it; and 1 to state that the video is actually false and it never happened.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

How many Chinese leaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer it when their civilians are in the dark about everything.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You don’t know? THAT’S CUZ YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!!!

How many festie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hotel rooms when they think their friends are asleep.
Or
5, One to hold the bulb and 4 to eat acid until the room spins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 100 balls and screws old ladies???

BINGO!!!

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who cares? They’ll just find a way to screw it up.

Why did the congressmen screw over the spider?

Because she was a black widow.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions.

A graveyard smash.

A good one to say when you screw up

"Call me German because I'm the wurst."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many political pundits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just bitch about how the darkness is the other party's fault.

How many 14 year old boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Hehe I said screw

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

How many believers in Murphy’s law does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Worst case scenario, I honestly have no clue.

What's the difference between a staple and a screw?

I couldn't tell you because I've never been stapled.

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

What does a screw do if it wants to be chauffeured.

It gets a Screwdriver.

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.