The 62+ Best Screw Jokes

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

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How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor...

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least a thousand. Many hands make light work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

8-12 of them on 3 separate occasions.

What's the friendliest screw size?

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.

How many self-conscious people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eh... I'd much prefer to screw in the dark, thanks.

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2- One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

How many Alabamians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two; the mother, the father, the brother, the sister, the uncle, the aunt …..

What is it called when a wrestler’s wife lets him screw anything his heart desires?

No holes barred

How many gamblers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, all the ones we’ve hired so far have failed, but eventually it’ll work, I swear!

How many claustrophobics can screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know I can’t convince any to get inside.

How many mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but they will charge you $200 for the labor and "find" something wrong with your ceiling fan.

Trump always wanted to be screwed by one of his kids

He just didn't expect it to be this one

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

How long does it take my wife to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, she usually just screws in her boss's office.

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Well, he needs a house first.

How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw the lightbulb, and one to convince the lightbulb that the lightbulb’s sinful, promiscuous behavior is what caused the first one to screw it, and if the lightbulb gossips to the police about being screwed, it would be damaging the church’s mission of preaching the Good News of Jesus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

Central American guy tells a joke. “How many white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“Zero. They pay me to do it”

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

What's the minimum number of people it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Two but it has to be a really big light bulb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

How many contortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two, but they may need some time to get inside it.

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two to chastise them for performing such a menial task as a member of a proud warrior race.

This is supposed to be on r/dadjokes but screw it!

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs?

One. The rest were just following orders.

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

Women are like hex screws

The more damaged they are, the more prone to stripping they become.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god-knows how they got in there.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab...

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