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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

How many nursing school professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to tell him while that is correct, it isn't the most correct.

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

How many leftists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes everyone.

Because we're stronger, together.

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11. One to put the bulb in the socket and ten to drink until the room spins.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

How many lab rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than 500, but we've exhausted our funding.

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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 2, but don’t ask me how they got in there

What’s long and hard and screws old people?

Osteoporosis

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! They just stand in the dark and ask God what they did to deserve it!

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

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How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But that won't stop them from bringing four of their friends, even though we're in a fucking pandemic.

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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An asexual won't screw anybody.

However, an asexual lawyer will screw everyone.

You know how many hipsters it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, it’s some obscure number you’ve probably never heard of.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

How many incels does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. No self respecting light bulb would want to be screwed by an incel.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

How many trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, he just tells them it’s already screwed in and they party in the dark.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Two, but I still don't know how they got in there!

It's my cake day and I remembered to make a post! (Wait, one thing say today and one thing says tomorrow - it's today gosh darn it!)

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

Scientists wanted to finally answer "how many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

Getting them into the lightbulb was the easy part.

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

I really screwed up asking my doctor to get tested for Alzheimer's.

I forgot my appointment. Doctor said I failed the test.

How does Karen screw in a lightbulb?

She stands there holding the lightbulb and waits for the world to turn around her

two screws in a toolbox and one says to the other "do I have to go first?" the other replies...

"come on, you know the drill."

Why can't the mechanic find a good screw?

Because every time he nuts, she bolts.

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

I've been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me

Installing drywall is hard work.

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How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

>!1, + 20 police officers to beat the shit out of the room for being dark!<

today i screwed in a light bulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar,...

and realized that my entire life is a joke.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

My socks wearing out early really screwed me

Well, fair is fair

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb and another to hold the penis... I mean mother.... I mean ladder,

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".


Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

How many middle children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, because they’re never noticed.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes two.

One to explain how they understand the impact of the light bulb being out, and to tell you how they're putting all their efforts into changing this light bulb, and they're forming a study group to figure out the best way to go about it.

And the other one to screwed into a...

Is it necrophilia if I’m dead inside and get screwed over?

I mean, is it not what is on the inside that counts?

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

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Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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What does a robot do after sex?

Screws, nuts and bolts

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

Melons really got screwed with restrictions on big weddings this year. They can't just go off and get hitched on their own...

...because they cantaloupe.

How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

Translated joke but I reversed the countries because screw Belgium

Two dutchmen take the train from Amsterdam to Brussels, but they only have one ticket. 2 fellow Belgian passengers ask them how they will get away with it. “Watch and learn!” Say the Dutch. They head into the toilet together and wait for the train conductor to knock on the door. “Ticket please!”. He...

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Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Man who walk around with hands in pockets, feel cocky all day.

Crib take many nails to build, only one screw to fill.

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it.

Got any others you can add?

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If I ever find that bastard who screwed up my limb transplants...

...I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That’s not funny. I’m going to sue!


(I got this from an Apples to Apples card)

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Getting screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him that he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the salesman.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip ...

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

American presidents are on a sinking ship!

Ford says: What do we do?

Bush says: Man the lifeboats!

Reagan says: What lifeboats?

Carter says: Women and children first!

Nixon says: Screw the women!

Clinton says: You think we have time?

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