How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazillian

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb, with the rest of the world, is already screwed.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I’m a bit confused on how they got in there.

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They won’t do it, they’re retired. Those lazy millennial lightbulbs need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and screw themselves in.

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

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How many sexually frustrated people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but you need a pretty big light bulb.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

Celebrating Cake Day with one of my favorite jokes... How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

I just found out that I can screw in a lightbulb all by myself.

However, I may need to see a doctor's to get it back out.

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(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

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One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the rooster go it screws all 150 hen and impresses the farmer.

One day a farmer buys a cock and brings it home, as soon as he lets the cock go it screws all 150 hens and impresses the farmer,
the next day the cock screws all the ducks and geese too. On the third day the farmer sees the cock laying on the ground passed out with the vultures circling overhead...

How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because Edison stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

How many super sayans do you need to screw a lightbulb?

One, but it takes 10 episodes and Krillin dies.

My wife is blaming me for screwing up her birthday

She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

How many chaste religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb at the monastery?

Nun

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb.

3. 1 to screw it in and 2 others to argue about how Neil Peart would have done it better

Where do screws that have been screwed too much go?

The strip club

How many StackOverflow users do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Why do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
You should instead use a flashlight.

How many guys with add/adhd does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Wanna ride bikes?!!!!

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

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"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you penetrate the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.

Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I screwed that up.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.

OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.



It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning.

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

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Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

What's ironic about a casual screw?

He nuts and bolts

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to turn the ladder and the other to hold the cock...father....FUCK... lightbulb

I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “

“I have a right to bare arms.”

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How many dead bodies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark

How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I’m not sure, but they haven’t even bought the bulb yet. Guess they’re still waiting for the Mexicans to pay for it.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

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What do you get when you screw a nihilist into a lightbulb?

Nothing, because it doesn't fucking matter.

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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions.

A graveyard smash.

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3: 1 to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; 1 to repost as if they did it; and 1 to state that the video is actually false and it never happened.

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

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Life lesson

Have you ever wondered why before sex both people help each other undress, but after sex each person dresses up individually?

Life lesson: in life nobody will help you when you're screwed, and if someone does help you it's only to screw you

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

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Challenge Jar

A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender to order his drink and can’t help but notice a huge glass jar packed to the brim with $100 bills.

So the man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?”

The bartender replies, “That’s our challenge jar. You put $100 in and i...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

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