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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one… But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies…

You know how many hipsters it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, it’s some obscure number you’ve probably never heard of.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Two, but I still don't know how they got in there!

It's my cake day and I remembered to make a post! (Wait, one thing say today and one thing says tomorrow - it's today gosh darn it!)

How many incels does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. No self respecting light bulb would want to be screwed by an incel.

How many trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, he just tells them it’s already screwed in and they party in the dark.

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

I really screwed up asking my doctor to get tested for Alzheimer's.

I forgot my appointment. Doctor said I failed the test.

Why can't the mechanic find a good screw?

Because every time he nuts, she bolts.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

I've been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me

Installing drywall is hard work.

How does Karen screw in a lightbulb?

She stands there holding the lightbulb and waits for the world to turn around her

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

My socks wearing out early really screwed me

Well, fair is fair

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

two screws in a toolbox and one says to the other "do I have to go first?" the other replies...

"come on, you know the drill."

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How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

>!1, + 20 police officers to beat the shit out of the room for being dark!<

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

today i screwed in a light bulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar,...

and realized that my entire life is a joke.

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb and another to hold the penis... I mean mother.... I mean ladder,

How many middle children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, because they’re never noticed.

How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Deadheads dont change lightbulbs, they wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for thirty years...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes two.

One to explain how they understand the impact of the light bulb being out, and to tell you how they're putting all their efforts into changing this light bulb, and they're forming a study group to figure out the best way to go about it.

And the other one to screwed into a...

Is it necrophilia if I’m dead inside and get screwed over?

I mean, is it not what is on the inside that counts?

Melons really got screwed with restrictions on big weddings this year. They can't just go off and get hitched on their own...

...because they cantaloupe.

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

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If I ever find that bastard who screwed up my limb transplants...

...I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

Translated joke but I reversed the countries because screw Belgium

Two dutchmen take the train from Amsterdam to Brussels, but they only have one ticket. 2 fellow Belgian passengers ask them how they will get away with it. “Watch and learn!” Say the Dutch. They head into the toilet together and wait for the train conductor to knock on the door. “Ticket please!”. He...

How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

How many existancialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness.

truckers...

As a Polish truck driver is driving east he sees a truck driving west, and the CB crackles to life. "Hey, buddy, who are the two biggest morons in America?" comes from the CB.

"I don't know," says the Polack.

The other driver says, "You and your brother!"

"Screw you," says the P...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he plls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immed...

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Getting screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him that he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the salesman.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip ...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That’s not funny. I’m going to sue!


(I got this from an Apples to Apples card)

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

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From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the o...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue…

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth.

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm gong to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell the pilo...

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

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Capitalism and politics explained in the best way possible.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They won’t do it, they’re retired. Those lazy millennial lightbulbs need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and screw themselves in.

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

Big Mo

Big Mo rides into town and up to the local saloon one day. He goes in, orders and downs a whiskey and growls at the bartender, "I'm Big Mo! I came here to get screwed!" The bartender tells ol' Big Mo to go to the hotel across the street and knock on the door to room 6, they'd take care of him.
<...

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

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