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Screw Jokes

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

What's the friendliest screw size?

M8

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least a thousand. Many hands make light work.

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

8-12 of them on 3 separate occasions.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2- One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One to screw the lightbulb and several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the...

How many claustrophobics can screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know I can’t convince any to get inside.

Two birds are trying to screw a lightbulb in

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

How many Alabamians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two; the mother, the father, the brother, the sister, the uncle, the aunt …..

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

How many gamblers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, all the ones we’ve hired so far have failed, but eventually it’ll work, I swear!

Trump always wanted to be screwed by one of his kids

He just didn't expect it to be this one

How many mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but they will charge you $200 for the labor and "find" something wrong with your ceiling fan.

How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw

Lewis is going to pick up his date on a Saturday night. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. She's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.

Her father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies polite...

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.



It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before.

What is it called when a wrestler’s wife lets him screw anything his heart desires?

No holes barred

Women are like hex screws

The more damaged they are, the more prone to stripping they become.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

How long does it take my wife to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, she usually just screws in her boss's office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Well, he needs a house first.

How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw the lightbulb, and one to convince the lightbulb that the lightbulb’s sinful, promiscuous behavior is what caused the first one to screw it, and if the lightbulb gossips to the police about being screwed, it would be damaging the church’s mission of preaching the Good News of Jesus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elmo production is now screwed

So, a little old retired lady applies to the Elmo production facility for a new job listed as "Quality Control". She reports to work on Monday and by 10AM, the production line is at a standstill. The manager goes out to see what the heck is going on. He sees her at the end of the line with a whole c...

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him that he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the salesman.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip ...

I don’t know why Jets fans are so mad at Aaron Rodgers. Saying he screwed their entire season

Obviously he’s just into four play

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

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