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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None! They use gaslighting!

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who the fuck cares, let them cry in the dark.

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

How many lightbulbs dos it take to screw in a comedian?

Two. One to screw in the comedian, one to mess the joke up.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

How many adhd kids does take to screw in a light bulb ?

Let's go ride our bikes

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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't really matter they just beat the shit out of the walls for being black

You know how many corpses it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, it's not eight, because the crawl space is still dark.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

How many BMW drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter, they won’t use their blinker anyways.

How many Metalheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100.


1 to screw it in, and 99 to tell you that light bulbs were better in the 80s.

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

My wife and I were watching my 6 yr old daughter swim and she says to me (not wanting to swear), "She needs to stop screwing around and keep her head above the Effin water!"

So I said, "There's no "F" in water".

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

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What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room…

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just a...

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mothe… errr I mean the lightbulb.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

 Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads...

How many bats does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Can’t tell; as soon as the light comes on, they scatter.

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

What does Kanye West and North Korea have in common?

They both are getting screwed by Kim

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

What's it called when the Grim Reaper screws up and gets a concussion?

A repercussion

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A priest goes to the mechanic.

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."

The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."

The prie...

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Advice for the man who wants excitement in his sex life:

Try "Rodeo Screwing".

Mount your wife from behind, whisper "This is how I do it with your sister", and try to stay on for eight seconds.

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

What do Greek Gods do when screws get loose?

They Titan them.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11. One to put the bulb in the socket and ten to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bu...

How many Lithuanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, unless their arms got ripped off in some sort of horrifying accident, in which case it still only takes one, just a different one.

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

What happens when you screw up

Biologist screws up:
Mutant virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologists screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

How many lab rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than 500, but we've exhausted our funding.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

Stowaway

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, ...

What’s long and hard and screws old people?

Osteoporosis

You know how many hipsters it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, it’s some obscure number you’ve probably never heard of.

The truth about job promotions

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

We're always asking how many people it takes to screw in a lightbulb

but never how they got so small

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Last night!!

Two Women were chatting in the office.


Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?


Woman 2: Yes.


Woman 1: Was it good?


Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in fiv...

What do you call a Hammerhead Shark who's operating a Drill Rig?

A Flathead Screw driver.

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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