A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They're very efficient, and not very funny.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold the lightbulb, and the whole world revolves around them.

^stolen ^from ^OITNB ^:)

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. they just beat the crap out the room for being black

How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. Two to rotate, one to get it done in time.

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Screw

A man, tired after a long day's work, walks into a bar. He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it co...

How many jokes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, the jokes aren’t that bright.

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

How many Hispanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just Juan.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.

OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

How does Trump screw in a light bulb?

He waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

What's ironic about a casual screw?

He nuts and bolts

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Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4 - one to hold the lightbulb and the other 3 to smoke till the room starts spinning

I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “

“I have a right to bare arms.”

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.



It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna ride bikes!?

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How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno, but my brother's girlfriend's father's Manager's priest's nephew's cousin did it good for me

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

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What do you get when you screw a nihilist into a lightbulb?

Nothing, because it doesn't fucking matter.

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but you’d need a pretty big bulb to fit them in there.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I’m not sure, but they haven’t even bought the bulb yet. Guess they’re still waiting for the Mexicans to pay for it.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

How many Chinese leaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer it when their civilians are in the dark about everything.

How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3: 1 to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; 1 to repost as if they did it; and 1 to state that the video is actually false and it never happened.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

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A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants

The driver shouts out t...

How many festie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hotel rooms when they think their friends are asleep.
Or
5, One to hold the bulb and 4 to eat acid until the room spins.

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What has 100 balls and screws old ladies???

BINGO!!!

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions.

A graveyard smash.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

How many saxophonists does it take to screw a light bulb?

1, but they’ll go through 10 boxes before they even find one that they will use

Why did the congressmen screw over the spider?

Because she was a black widow.

How many 14 year old boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Hehe I said screw

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How many political pundits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just bitch about how the darkness is the other party's fault.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

A good one to say when you screw up

"Call me German because I'm the wurst."

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

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I told a group of asexual hermaphrodites to go screw themselves.

But they weren't interested.

Husband and wife meet again in Heaven.

Husband and wife meet again in Heaven.

Wife says 'Here we are together again'.

Husband says 'Screw that! the deal was til death do us part!'

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

US presidents are on a sinking ship

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

What's the difference between a staple and a screw?

I couldn't tell you because I've never been stapled.

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