Jazz Jokes - 82 Hilarious Jazz Jokes

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

What do you call an English jazz musician?

An Anglo-Saxophonist

My friend wants to be a famous jazz musician on his brass instrument but he never practices.

I told him his stage name could be “Rusty Trombone.”

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fuck the changes; let's just play!

Why can’t jazz musicians be trusted?

Because they always play sus chords.

A self-absorbed jazz musician is sitting at a bar after a playing intense music all night.

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a wo...

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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

I can't listen to brazilian jazz.

Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

What was the jazz singer’s fetish?

Scat

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

My style of love making is just like jazz.

My style of lovemaking isn’t very popular.

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

Stevie Wonder was doing a concert, and towards the end decided to play some requests.

A man called out, "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie played a short riff, but the man insisted: "No, no, play a jazz chord."

So Stevie played a longer riff: "No, no," said the man, "play a jazz chord."

Stevie tried again and again, until he was playing chords he'd never played in his life,...

Hear about that Jazz Retreat?

You can get R&R at a B&B listening to R&B

My jazz musician friend would always hit people who played the wrong note

Well, sax to be you.

Do you know that Indonesian Jazz singer?

Frank Sumatra

My friend said Cardi B's music is a fusion between jazz and punk

So it's junk I said

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

What do you call a pachyderm who sings jazz?

Ella Fantzgerald

What's big, gray, and sings jazz?

Elephantzgerald

I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

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Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

A man goes to an open mic at the local jazz club

He gets on stage and starts scatting.

He's promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

A jazz player was arrested for groping a lady

He was charged with saxual harrasment

What do you call a jazz soloist that’s into men and women?

Bi-sax-ual!

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

Why can't Gingers play jazz?

Because they have no soul.

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

Don’t upset jazz musicians

They might snap

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A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

What do jazz musicians and sneakers have in common?

They put their soul on the track.

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed

People just stopped coming

I used a N.W.A song for my jazz assessment

My teacher said it was a straight path to an eazy e

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

What do you get when you cross a fisherman with a jazz enthusiast?

An Anglo-Saxon ^^I'm ^^^So ^^^^Sorry

What do you call a German jazz player?

Jazz Hans.

Jazz is in my blood

You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.

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Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive crappy old cars?

Because they're always making a new sound.

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band...

But he didn't have enough soul.

An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it?

Premarital sax

Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer?

Buble wrap

Sorry 😜

A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.

Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist.”

The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem.”

“Well" replie...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

A pop star, a country singer and a jazz musician are sitting in a bar...

The pop star goes on about all the money he makes: "With last years royalties and record sales money, I bought myself a yacht and a Ferrari!"
The country singer won't let that pass and tells them: "With my last years record sales money, I got myself my very own 18-hole golf course!"
The Ja...

What is large, grey and sings great jazz songs?

Elephants Gerald

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

What is it called when a one armed person waves at you?

Jazz hand

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.

*jazz hands*

How to be a millionaire

Step 1: Be a Billionaire.
Step 2: Play Jazz.

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player?

Utah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do?

You shoot Kenny G. Twice.

Paddy coming back from holiday.

Paddy was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that ...

A guy walks into a bar

“Ouch,” he says, because it was a heavy metal bar, and his ears are accustomed to jazz.

Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away.

Why was the man banned from the jazz club?

Because he was a registered sax offender.

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