UPJOKE
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A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,

"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard...

My friend said Cardi B's music is a fusion between jazz and punk

So it's junk I said

What was the jazz singer’s fetish?

Scat

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

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My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.

I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is

Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.

He takes after his dad. His smile...

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A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

My jazz musician friend would always hit people who played the wrong note

Well, sax to be you.

I can't listen to brazilian jazz.

Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

A man in Kyiv finds a lamp...

So, a gentleman in Kyiv found an old lamp. It had some tarnish on it, so after grabbing the brass polish and a rag, he started to polish it.


POOF! Out popped a genie!


"Master, you have freed me from the lamp! In gratitude, I shall grant you three wishes! (And no wishing for...

My style of love making is just like jazz.

My style of lovemaking isn’t very popular.

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

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Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

What's big, gray, and sings jazz?

Elephantzgerald

Hear about that Jazz Retreat?

You can get R&R at a B&B listening to R&B

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

What do you call a jazz soloist that’s into men and women?

Bi-sax-ual!

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

A man goes to an open mic at the local jazz club

He gets on stage and starts scatting.

He's promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

Do you know that Indonesian Jazz singer?

Frank Sumatra

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

Paddy was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could

I br...

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

A jazz player was arrested for groping a lady

He was charged with saxual harrasment

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

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A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it?

Premarital sax

Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

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Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do?

You shoot Kenny G. Twice.

Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

What do you get when you cross a fisherman with a jazz enthusiast?

An Anglo-Saxon ^^I'm ^^^So ^^^^Sorry

Why can't Gingers play jazz?

Because they have no soul.

That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed

People just stopped coming

I used a N.W.A song for my jazz assessment

My teacher said it was a straight path to an eazy e

Don’t upset jazz musicians

They might snap

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Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive crappy old cars?

Because they're always making a new sound.

What do you call a German jazz player?

Jazz Hans.

What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player?

Utah

What do jazz musicians and sneakers have in common?

They put their soul on the track.

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band...

But he didn't have enough soul.

I've just joined a Jamaican jazz band as a triangle player.

I just stand at the back and ting.

I just moved into an apartment above a jazz club...

I was sick of paying for sax.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.

Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist.”

The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem.”

“Well" replie...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

How to be a millionaire

Step 1: Be a Billionaire.
Step 2: Play Jazz.

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

Why don't North Koreans like jazz music?

Because they don't have Seoul.

What is large, grey and sings great jazz songs?

Elephants Gerald

Jazz is in my blood

You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

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2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

I've heard Mars has no atmosphere...

I've heard Mars has no atmosphere, can we create an atmosphere by dimming the lights and playing smooth jazz?

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away.

Why was the man banned from the jazz club?

Because he was a registered sax offender.

A guy walks into a bar

“Ouch,” he says, because it was a heavy metal bar, and his ears are accustomed to jazz.

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