Here's another godawful joke. Downvote away.

Why was the man banned from the jazz club?

Because he was a registered sax offender.

Do you know that Indonesian Jazz singer?

Frank Sumatra

Jazz hands

Worker one: why does jerry the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance

(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz infl...

What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church?

Sax-communicated.

I love smooth jazz...

but only if it's played in one ear with breaks every 30 seconds telling me how important of a customer I am.

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

I used a N.W.A song for my jazz assessment

My teacher said it was a straight path to an eazy e

What happened to the jazz player whose wife left him?

He had to toot his own horn.

A jazz player was arrested for groping a lady

He was charged with saxual harrasment

A Rock Band Plays 3 Chords for a 3000 Person Crowd

Where as a jazz player will play 3000 chords for a 3 person crowd.

How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

What do you call a German jazz player?

Jazz Hans.

What do you get when you cross a fisherman with a jazz enthusiast?

An Anglo-Saxon ^^I'm ^^^So ^^^^Sorry

That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed

People just stopped coming

What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player?

Utah

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

What do you call a jazz musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?

A homeless person.

Why can't Gingers play jazz?

Because they have no soul.

Don’t upset jazz musicians

They might snap

Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?

It's easy on the ears

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive crappy old cars?

Because they're always making a new sound.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it?

Premarital sax

Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do?

You shoot Kenny G. Twice.

Which group of people are the best at jazz?

The Saxons!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep...

...must be the mellow tonin'.

What is large, grey and sings great jazz songs?

Elephants Gerald

A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band...

But he didn't have enough soul.

Why don't North Koreans like jazz music?

Because they don't have Seoul.

Jazz is in my blood

You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.

How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer?

Buble wrap

Sorry 😜

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

Why would Koreans make great jazz musicians?

Because they have Seoul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Husband: “Can I get a blow job?”

Me: “I’m too tired for all that Jazz”

Husband: “Then pretend like it’s techno and give it a good beat.”

I've just joined a Jamaican jazz band as a triangle player.

I just stand at the back and ting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she ...

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning.

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning. He gets contact from a group of brothers who vouch for the phenomenon as having had an effect on them.

"I'm a jazz saxophonist." The first brother says. "My mother played Charlie Parker for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me...

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Poop jokes!

Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It never came out.

Did you hear about the sequel, Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early. (Yep, that one is OC, don't know if I should be proud of that but I am)

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bucket.

Bartender ask's "what's in the bucket"?

Guy say " it's my octopus and he plays musical instruments ".

Bartender says " bullshit "

Guys says " I bet you free drinks, he will play whatever you got "

Bartender says " fine, her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Young Brothers Wanted to be Cool

I heard this joke at a jazz concert of all places, but it cracked me up:

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two deaf guys walk into a bar in Dublin

One goes and gets a seat while the other orders two pints.
"That'll be 30 euro please." Says the barman.
"30 euro!" says the deaf guy. "Why is it so expensive?"
"We've got live music on tonight" says the barman.
"Oh." says the deaf guy. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll...

Symphony of puns

i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music...
Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pianist

A restaurateur needs to do something to get his business to pick up a bit, so he decides to open a piano bar. He puts an ad in the paper for a piano player and holds an audition. Unfortunately most of the applicants really aren't that good and just as he is about to give up and go home, a young man ...

Kids jokes

Q: What did the ocean say to the airplane?

A: Nothing, it just waved.



Q: Do old planes retire?

A: No, they just get more turbulent.



Q: Why did the young plane study so hard?

A: He really wanted a higher education!



Q: Did you hear the ...

My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place.

So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.

What is Shia Labeouf's favourite genre of music?

Jazz Duets.

Collection of band jokes:

I used to be in a Jazz band and there were a bunch of band jokes our conductor made, here are the ones I can remember:

How do you know if a drummer is at your door?

He never knows when to come in.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the piano ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was the 50th wedding anniversary between Mary and Gary.

Because of this special occasion, Mary thought that she will prepare nice dinner for her beloved one. She made his favourite soup and second course that they were eating on their first date. Evening comes, candles are burning and smooth jazz is playing in the background. They are looking into each o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Musician Joke

Q. How many female jazz vocalists does it take to perform "Summertime"?

A. Fucking all of them, apparently . . .

Dig it, Man

This cat had eyes to blow jazz, but his chops weren't happening. He climbed out on a ledge for the Big Coda, but just before he was going to step off he heard this other cat down on the street yelling,"Don't jump! There's still hope! Bird lives!" The cat on the ledge says,"Bird? Who's Bird?" Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple's sex life was floundering...

and the husband booked a cruise to jazz things up. Unfortunately, he was cheap bastard and when they got to their room they discovered they were in the BROILER ROOM with BUNK BEDS. He tries to upgrade them but the ship is full.

He says to his wife "Well, nothing we can do now". He gestures to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Talented octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the ...