UPJOKE
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How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick him up and blow him.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

I once went on safari and saw a giraffe humping an antelope.

Thinking back, I probably should’ve used google chrome.

Why couldn't this guy stop humping a bell?

Because it was A-dick-ting

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

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A young lady takes her dog to the vet.

"Good morning, what can I help you with today?"

"My dog is constantly trying to hump me! Every time he sees me, he wants to go at it! Daytime, nighttime, doesn't matter, he's always horny!"

"Well, the usual remedy would be to castrate him."

"Gee, doc, that seems pretty harsh! ...

How do know you are ugly?

Your dog keeps it's eyes closed whilst humping your leg

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey

What do you call a three hump camel?

The fastest camel alive.

Hump day joke.

A one humped camel married a two humped camel and they had a baby that had no humps. What did they name the child?

Humphrey.

My 5 year olds goto joke: What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant.

What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement?

A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.

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NSFW, (Not Safe For Anyone). How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

A heart attack?

Four guys are out playing golf when they come to a short par-3 hole. Two of them hit their tee shots onto the green, but the other two slice their tee shots way out into the woods. The two guys on the green sink their putts, and then they wait for their friends. And wait, and wait.

Finally...

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck...

The truck drives over a hump, the load is shifted and a huge pink dildo falls out, bounces on the road and straight into the windshield of the car, off the hood and into the side of the road.

Shaken, the little girl in the back says "what was that??"

Mom says "Oh, that was just a beetl...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?" The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely." The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered." The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible." Then says to the fir...

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)


A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

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NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

A conversation between a camel and its mother

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have humps on our back?

Mother camel: So that we can store food and water for many days when we trek for long distances in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have thick eyelashes?

Mother camel: So that we can avoid sand from entering our eyes durin...

Can you explain the difference between a noun and a verb?

"Hump" is a noun meaning "something on the back of a camel"... unless that thing is another camel, in which case, it's a verb.

You're welcome.

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Dogs will be Doggs

Three dogs are at the vet. One asks the others, "So, what are you guys in for?"

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivere...

My dog likes to hump her bed

Yeah, she likes it ruf

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A man was humping his secretary in his office up her ass when....

His wife walks in on them unannounced.

Horrified, she screams " Honey, you can't do this to me".

Man calmly replies"Right, that's why I am doing it to her".

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How can you stop your dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick.

How can you tell if your dog's gay?

If his dick tastes like dogshit.

What happens if you hump a whale?

They humpback

My dog loves to hump my cat

He’s a real purrrrvert

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If sex were free...

We'd ALL be screwed.

(saw in a bathroom stall)

HaPpy hUMp dAy

A blind guy and a hunchback…

A blind guy and a hunchback were drinking in a bar. The hunchback suddenly remembered he promised his wife he would be home before midnight. So he rushes home, taking a shortcut through the cementery.

While walking through this cemetery he suddenly hears: “BOO, i am a ghost, what’s on you bac...

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A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

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A man with no penis took Slowpoke out of its Poke Ball and started humping it.

It took Slowpoke a while to realize how badly fucked it was.

In a restaurant this dog started humping my leg.

Completely ruined the taste of my chicken.

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

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What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

A humped man(bad grammar sorry)

A humped man walk around cemetery. Suddenly,a ghost appear and ask a man."Do you have hump"? A man says:Yes I have."So give me that",says ghost a takes a man hump. Man straighten up himself,walk away happily.Another day he meet a friend without legs.He say:Hey I can normally walk,there is a ghost on...

That’s the thing about humping mimes....

You never hear them coming.

What do you call a three humped camel?

Pregnant.

(Credit goes to the trailer of Zootopia)

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[Nsfw] how do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?

How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg? Pick it up and start sucking it's dick.
[Told to me by a female friend]

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NSFW. After The Honeymoon

So young Billy was back to work from his honeymoon after a few weeks.
His buddy(knowing he was sexually naive)asked Billy "so you have to tell me, how was the sex?!? ”
Young Billy responded " Well, the fist day we could only do it one time but by the end of it I was going like 5 or 6 times a d...

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Two squirrels were hanging, one of them was humping a walnut like there was no tomorrow. "Are you fucking crazy?" asked the first squirrel

"No... I'm fucking nuts!"

What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

Happy Hump Day!

Unless you're alone like me, in which case it's just a regular Wednesday.

What do you call a three-humped camel?

A cancer patient.

What’s the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

You let the pit bull finish.

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Saw this squirrel humping an acorn the other day

It was fuckin nuts

What do you call a three-humped camel?

Pregnant


(Told to me by one of the kids at work)

What do you call two eco terrorists humping a tree?

A treesome!

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

A father and his 8 year old son are on a walk and come across two dogs humping.

"Dad, what are those dogs doing?" the boy asks.

"Well son, they're trying to make puppies."

That answer seemed to satisfy the son's curiosity, so no more was said about it and they finished their walk.

Later that night the boy had a nightmare and ran into his parent's room, onl...

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Does humping a woman’s leg count as sexual harassment?

If so, my dog is gonna be facing a lot of allegations on Twitter.

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Yesterday, my dog was humping my leg

So stupid, had to show him where my butthole was.

A man and his son stumble upon two dogs humping...

When the little boy asks his dad what the dogs are doing, he explains that they're making puppies.

Later that night, the man and his wife are going at it hot and heavy in the bedroom. The little boy stumbles in unannounced. In a panic, the parents hurriedly gather themselves.

The boy a...

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

A woman enters the veterinarian's office with a large male Rottweiler.

The vet asks, " How can we help you today?"

The woman says, "My dog is all grown up now, and has started humping everything he can for hours on end day after day."

The vet asks, " Ahhh, ok so you want to set up an appointment to have him neutered?"

The woman responds, "No no, ju...

Two dust pans were dry humping..

I was like dude, get a broom already!

Camel Joke

A young camel asks his mother
“Why do I have a big hump on my back”
The mother replies
“You use it to store water when your in the desert”
“That’s cool” says the young camel “ And why do I have these big hooves”
The mother answers “Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand w...

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