This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked

"Well not really, I only went back two days"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......

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yeah its bad..

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

A kid is late for school one day. “I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explains to the teacher.

“Well, couldn’t your father have done that?” the teacher asks after class.

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“Sure,” the boy replies. “But the bull would have done a better job.”

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was.

I said that makes two of us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.

I said "whatever floats your boat mate"

He said "No, thats buoyancy"

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jonny was at school and his best mate Timmy had a new watch.

Jonny asked where he got it and Timmy said “last night I walked into my parents room and they were naked on the bed having sex, my dad gave me his watch and said
“TAKE THIS AND GET OUT”.

Little Jonny wanted a new watch too so that night he decided to go into his parents room to try and ca...

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mate of mine got addicted to phone sex

....
He ended up with hearing aids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australians don’t have sex

They mate

My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he’s been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.

“Javier Bardem?” I asked

“I’ve tried," he replied, “but he just keeps comin’ back.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Asked a mate of mine what he was into, sexually.

“Women” he said, “ Bi and large”.

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

A lion never cheats on his mate

But tiger wood.

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I got fired today," I told my mate, .

"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said

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My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied

I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".

The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

My mate was telling me he buys extra large cage eggs instead of the regular ones.

He feels better knowing their cages are bigger than all the rest of the other chickens.

My mate asked me what it's like to live IN North Korea...

I replied, can't complain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking down the road with my mate and we saw a dog licking his penis, my mate says, I wish I could do that, I said.

Give him a cookie he might let you..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

"Do you have some cold beer mate?"

"Like my ex-wife's heart."

"You could have just said that you don't have any."

The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate

They’re both cauldron

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

My mate David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

I got my mate an Elephant for his living room

He said "Thanks".

I said "don't mention it".

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

What did the statue say to his mate?

Statue bro?

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

I have a mate who constantly goes on about how he makes the best waffles.

I find him quite eggotistical.

My mate told me that all of my jokes are old and that he has heard them all before

I said that was weird because when I post them on r/jokes I don't get any upvotes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked ‘how do you tell them apart?’

He replied ‘that’s easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!’

I'm really fed up with my mates

Three times now they've agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.

Here I go again, on my own!

My French mate doesn't believe that eggs are ovoid...

...he's a member of the flat oeuf society

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

What did the caveman say to his mates?

"Want to go clubbing tonight?"

"Hi, mate," I said to the cashier, putting my XL condoms down on the counter.

He said, "I lie sometimes too..."

"Of course," I replied. "You aren't actually my mate."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

A pirate captain and his first mate...

...were standing on their ship, watching the crew come back from shore leave. The captain pointed at one of the pirates walking up the gangplank and said, "You see that sea dog?"

"Aye Cap'm," said the first mate.

"Well he's just been to the doctor."

"Do ya know that just by loo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you ...

My local zoo finally figured out why they couldn't get the Male alligator to mate with any of the females.

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction.

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...

He's been proper miserable lately.

I told my mate I was going to open a shop in Saudi Arabia.

“Dubai” he asked?
“Yes” I replied, “And sell”

My mate accused me of cheating at Jenga

So I knocked his block off.

My best mate ate his own autobiography.

He's so full of himself.

My mate Jeff met a girl on Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a threesome with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy says to Murphy, “My mate came off his motorbike today”

“Oh really” Murphy said.
“Yeah he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye” replied Paddy.
“Fucking hell” says Murphy, “No wonder he came off”.

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

A pirate captain says to his first mate...

“Where are my buccaneers?”

“Aye Cap’n, they’re on the sides of your buccan’ head!”

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Why do lions only mate in the summer?

Because the pride cometh before the fall

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

My wife and I wear the same size shoes

We're solemates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bastard at times. I just text my mate and asked did he want to come for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my best mate we were just like brothers.

“Yeah” he said. “Because we both destroyed your mum’s cunt”

Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m divorcing my wife. First it was the, window cleaner then the postman, her ex-boyfriend, and then my best mate

It’s pretty clear…I just really love cock

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old guy says to his mate I slept like a baby last night.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I shit myself.

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

Why was the female crocodile disappointed in her mate?

He had a reptile dysfunction

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.