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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

A man enters a bar and walks towards his mate

He passes two blondes and tells his mate, "Those girls really like me, as I passed them they were saying 9, 9. I'm so hot"

"They are German mate"

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My mate said he slept with a girl called Gibberish.

Fucking nonsense if you ask me.

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

He was close, but no cigar.

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

Two mates are sitting at the bar,

The first one says "Listen, you have two choices. A) Be forever with your wife or-" His friend stops him and shouts "B! B! B!"

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My mates think I should go for the world record in masturbation.

Do you think I could pull it off?

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

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When my mate was recently sent to jail he took it really badly....refused food, swore at everyone and smeared shit all over the walls.

I’m never playing Monopoly with him again.

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A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens

Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a se...

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

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What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

My mate always said he wanted to be run over by a steam train when it was his time to die. He got his way...

I guess he was chuffed to bits.

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

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Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was.

I said that makes two of us.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

A captain's first mate climbed to the top deck of the ship

He saw the ship's wheel dangling from the captain's crotch. He called out, "Ahoy cap'n what be that on yer crotch?"
"I don't rightly know laddie, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.


"I brought the horse to mate with yours."


"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"


"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

Now I know why Australians call each other "Mate"...

Cause it's a short form of **INMATE**...

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I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

My room mate says I have a split personality.

Jokes on him... I don't have a room mate.

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday.

I think he must be going soft in his old age.

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

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A man comes home from work to find his mate fucking his wife

Angry, he stabs the fucker to death.

His wife turns and yells “Carry on like that and you’ll have no mates left!”

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

A kid is late for school one day. “I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explains to the teacher.

“Well, couldn’t your father have done that?” the teacher asks after class.



“Sure,” the boy replies. “But the bull would have done a better job.”

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.

I said "whatever floats your boat mate"

He said "No, thats buoyancy"

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

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Asked a mate of mine what he was into, sexually.

“Women” he said, “ Bi and large”.

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My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

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A mate of mine got addicted to phone sex

....
He ended up with hearing aids

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he’s been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.

“Javier Bardem?” I asked

“I’ve tried," he replied, “but he just keeps comin’ back.”

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied

Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".

The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

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Walking down the road with my mate and we saw a dog licking his penis, my mate says, I wish I could do that, I said.

Give him a cookie he might let you..

My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

A lion never cheats on his mate

But tiger wood.

I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

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"I got fired today," I told my mate, .

"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said

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My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

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My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of y...

My mate asked me what it's like to live IN North Korea...

I replied, can't complain.

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate

They’re both cauldron

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My mate just cut himself while shaving...

bloody wanker!

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I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

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I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

I got my mate an Elephant for his living room

He said "Thanks".

I said "don't mention it".

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

"Do you have some cold beer mate?"

"Like my ex-wife's heart."

"You could have just said that you don't have any."

My mate David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

What did the statue say to his mate?

Statue bro?

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you ...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

I have a mate who constantly goes on about how he makes the best waffles.

I find him quite eggotistical.

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...

He's been proper miserable lately.

I told my mate I was going to open a shop in Saudi Arabia.

“Dubai” he asked?
“Yes” I replied, “And sell”

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

My French mate doesn't believe that eggs are ovoid...

...he's a member of the flat oeuf society

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

A pirate captain and his first mate...

...were standing on their ship, watching the crew come back from shore leave. The captain pointed at one of the pirates walking up the gangplank and said, "You see that sea dog?"

"Aye Cap'm," said the first mate.

"Well he's just been to the doctor."

"Do ya know that just by loo...

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

I'm really fed up with my mates

Three times now they've agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.

Here I go again, on my own!

What did the caveman say to his mates?

"Want to go clubbing tonight?"

"Hi, mate," I said to the cashier, putting my XL condoms down on the counter.

He said, "I lie sometimes too..."

"Of course," I replied. "You aren't actually my mate."

My mate accused me of cheating at Jenga

So I knocked his block off.

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

My local zoo finally figured out why they couldn't get the Male alligator to mate with any of the females.

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction.

My best mate ate his own autobiography.

He's so full of himself.

Why do lions only mate in the summer?

Because the pride cometh before the fall

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

A pirate captain says to his first mate...

“Where are my buccaneers?”

“Aye Cap’n, they’re on the sides of your buccan’ head!”

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Paddy says to Murphy, “My mate came off his motorbike today”

“Oh really” Murphy said.
“Yeah he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye” replied Paddy.
“Fucking hell” says Murphy, “No wonder he came off”.

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