I got rear-ended the other day and my neck still hurts. I think I'm going to they that Chinese thing with the needles...

You know...heroin.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work!

I stuck my neck out for a friend

Turned out they were a vampire.

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

How does Mike Wazowski make such good neck jewelry?

Because he’s neckless

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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Why don't rednecks do the reverse cowgirl?

They never turn their back on family.

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

A giraffe's neck is so strong a human can climb up it

Also, I'm banned from my local zoo

It wasn't fun breaking my neck last year

But now I can look back and laugh

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

A coworker just asked me to grab a fork and stab her in the neck.

I told her to go fork herself.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Why are red neck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA samples match and there are no dental records

I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck.

She said 'So did I!'

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After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son...

What do you have when your mother-in-law has concrete up to her neck?

Not enough concrete

What do you call someone who really loves necks?

A necromancer.

What do you call someone with a necrophilic neck fetish?

.... a neckromancer

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I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to...

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?

To connect its head and body together.

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

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A limbless woman sits in a wheelchair on a boardwalk with a sign around her neck that says "Ask how you can help me"

She sits there patiently as people stare as they walk by and it takes a good 30 minutes before a man walks up and asks "how can I help you?". She says to the man "I've never been hugged before, will you hug me?" With a smile on his face, the man gives her an amazing hug and continues on his way. ...

If Jesus was killed in 1865,

Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.

“Dude, you’ve got a henway on your neck!”

“What’s a henway?”

“About three pounds”

A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck.

The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."

What do red necks and scientists have in common?

Relative dating

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

Man goes to a doctor because he has a clown growing off of his neck.

Doctor tells him, "Don't worry, it's nothing serious"

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with an arrow through his neck?

An ambulance you heartless bastard.

I kink my neck so often...

I'm starting to think I'm secretly into BDSM

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A man, wrapped from the neck down in saran wrap, walks into his therapist’s office.

Man: Doc, you’ve known me for years. Do you think I’ve gone crazy.

Therapist: Well I can clearly see you’re nuts.

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

Father: wow son you're really dressed up! What's that around your neck?

Son: it's a Tide Ad

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.

Once she is released from the ...

What do you get when you have three lawyers up to their necks in sand?

More sand.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

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A man walking down the street notices a paraplegic prostitute with a sign around her neck that read “Fuck me for $1”

So the man thinks to himself, “Why not?”

He then picks her up and throws her into a river and yells, “Now you’re fucked!!! Where’s my dollar?...”

What do you call a face, hand, or neck tattoo?

An everlasting jobstopper

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Charlize Heron

It's 1887 and a three-legged dog walks into a saloon, grabs the bartender by the scruff of his neck, looks him dead in the eyes and says...

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

That neck pain changed my life.

I never looked back from then.

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wear a bell around my neck when I'm masturbating when people are home.

So they can hear me coming.

I just put my neck on the line.

But apparently that's not how you're supposed to do cocaine.

And The Best Neck Wear Award goes to....

wait its a tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

What do you call 25 lawyers buried neck-high in sand?

not enough sand

Why do zombies love necks?

They were made by a neck romancer

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

Why do rednecks have red necks?

From provoking everyone else they meet to strangle them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

A tough looking guy walks into a bar with some jumper cables hanging around his neck...

...The bar tender looks at the guy and says, "you can stay, but don't start anything!"

What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand?

Progress

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