The 120+ Best Neck Jokes

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down

I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he’s a neck romancer.

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

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I got a Viagra stuck in my throat this morning.

I had a stiff neck all day.

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

Why’d the red neck decide not get his hair cut?

Because he had to mull it over.

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

A boy is born with just a head.

A boy is born with just a head. No neck, body, arms or legs. His parents love him, and vow to give him a life like any other child.

The boy lives a fulfilling and miraculous life, and when he turns 18, his father takes him to a bar for his first pint of beer.

The boy takes his first ...

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Going for gold...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said,

"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It tie...

Why did the dominatrix go to the chiropractor?

She had a kink in her neck

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” s...

Went to visit some temples in Cambodia, but unfortunately fell and broke my neck.

Now I don't look back in Angkor.

Why are Red Neck murder cases so Hard to Solve?

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck?

Neck-romancer.

Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer...

Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life

Because vampires are neck romancers

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Camel joke (take 2)

A wealthy London business man had been doing business in Saudi. His Saudi associate was so pleased with his work he decided to send him a camel as a special gift. The man woke up one morning at his home in Central London and found a camel tied up in the front yard with a note of appreciation tied ar...

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

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A man goes to the doctor complaining about a severe headache for several years.

The doctor examines him and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headache. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only ...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

On the farm

A horse and a chick go for a walk. The horse gets stuck in the mud and yells to the chick to help me I’m stuck. The chick runs back to the farm to get the farmer but the farmer has gone to town with the tractor. So the chick sees the new BWM and grabs a rope and jumps into the BMW and drives to the ...

The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary

He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:

"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"

The wife removes her bra and says:

"See what he did to me!"

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.

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A man walks into his home holding a duck by the neck

He looks at his wife and says, “Honey, here’s the pig I’ve been fuckin’”

Confused, she corrects him, “Sweetheart, that’s a duck”

“I wasn’t talking to you”

The man with an orange for a head

A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in.

The man has an orange for a head. Perfectly normal body up to the neck, then just a massive orange instead of a head.

The bartender serves the man and says "I hope you don't mind me asking you mate, but ... what h...

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

what do you call a giraffe with a jet stuck in it's throat?

A plane in the neck.

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

Here’s one my dad told me: What do you call two lawyers buried to their neck in cement?

Not enough cement.

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can c...

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Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said,

\- "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped...

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

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Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

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Escape convict...

A young couple was woken up by an escaped convict in their bedroom, the convict put a knife on the husband's neck and instructed them not to make a sound. The convict then tied the husband's hands to a door knob and tied his foot together. He then proceeded to the bed and tied up the woman's hands...

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

My girlfriend has such a neck fetish,

she barely cares about me she just likes my neck. She's a necromancer.

Why did the cow wear a bell around its neck?

Because her horns didn't work.

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A father's oldest son was born without any arms or hands...

But despite the significant challenges that this created, the son was always upbeat and positive and never complained about the tough hand (sorry!) he had been dealt. Because of this, the father always wanted to go above and beyond for his son whenever possible. As his son's 21st birthday approach...

Why did the red neck couple only have two children?

The wife read that every third person born in the world was Chinese.

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

My dad just told me, “When I get really old and look back at life, I’ll only think of one thing.”

“My neck hurts.”

What did DMX say when he first wore a crew neck sweater?

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?!

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

I was so ugly as a child

Had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

I got this neck brace a few weeks ago...

and I haven't looked back since.

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

To get away from the smell of their feet.

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The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

Do you know why giraffes necks are so long?

Because their heads are so far from their body

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

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I just saw a news article about an unidentified person found beaten, robbed, and naked in the park...

The unknown victim was described as being out-of-shape, small penis, and slight neck beard.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, worried about you guys. Let me know you're okay.

Men with neck tattoos used to make me nervous.

Now they make me lattes.

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

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Lawyer & The Red Neck

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
Declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the g...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

Why don't vampires have any friends?

They're a real pain in the neck.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

Person with a double neck is

A multi-layered person.

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

And the award for the best neck wear of the year goes to…

It’s a tie!

Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

Neck-hole Kidman.

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

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A man asks his guide in Hell, "Why is Hitler neck deep in shit , but Stalin is only waist deep?"

His guide responds, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders"

Electrical Hum - True story

Was working on a Generator switchgear with the factory representative who was from Ireland and we had the generators running and the electrical panel open with all the thick bare copper busbars visible. As most may know anything with a ton of electricity flowing through it makes this humming sound. ...

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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

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A man who dedicated his life to sexual exploration retired today at the age of 90.

When asked why, he said, "I actually prefer traditional sex nowadays, the only kink i have left is the one in my neck."

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck.

The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."

This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son...

Are you paralyzed neck-down?

Move your hands above your neck

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

Have you heard of the good-looking chiropractor who fixes neck injuries?

She's a head turner

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