Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

Why did the cow wear a bell around its neck?

Because her horns didn't work.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

Here’s one my dad told me: What do you call two lawyers buried to their neck in cement?

Not enough cement.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

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Nude blonde in a casino.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the...

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

My chiropractor and I got into this terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

Why did the red neck couple only have two children?

The wife read that every third person born in the world was Chinese.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

My girlfriend has such a neck fetish,

she barely cares about me she just likes my neck. She's a necromancer.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Yo momma so fat, her chin is like a forehead for her neck.

As above

I got this neck brace a few weeks ago...

and I haven't looked back since.

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

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A Horny Cock

A farmer buys a new cock for his farm. As soon as they enter the farm, the cock starts its work, and fucks all the 200 hen at the farm. The farmer is pretty impressed.

After lunch, he notices that the cock again fucked all the 200 hen. The farmer thought, "Ok, maybe now it will stop." But no...

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

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No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

What did DMX say when he first wore a crew neck sweater?

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?!

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But I can look back now and laugh.

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

Do you know why giraffes necks are so long?

Because their heads are so far from their body

Men with neck tattoos used to make me nervous.

Now they make me lattes.

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Burt and Molly who were in their 70's were lying in bed one night.

Burt was falling asleep but Molly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Burt reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly ir...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

Person with a double neck is

A multi-layered person.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

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Took a Viagra without enough water and it got stuck in my throat.

I had a stiff neck all night.

Dark joke ahead

So I was playing charades. It was my friend's turn and he put something around his neck. He never told us what it was, he really left us hanging

Neck Hands Foot Arms Body Head

This is how the newspaper headlines ran on the day John Neck stepped down to give the job of CEO of the gun manufacturer to Michael Foot.

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Lawyer & The Red Neck

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
Declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the g...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Found out a colleague of mine who’s been missing for a few days was found dead this morning.

Apparently he walked into a cemetery while drunk and broke his neck as he fell into a dug up hole.

What a grave mistake.

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?

Not enough cement

"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks…

You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f\*cking cross?"

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what ...

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

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A man asks his guide in Hell, "Why is Hitler neck deep in shit , but Stalin is only waist deep?"

His guide responds, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders"

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shi...

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no aga...

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Independence Day

I gave my girlfriend a locket with a tiny American flag inside to help commemorate the 4th.

She graciously accepted and said, “Thank you, but I’m independent and don’t need gifts.”

In return, she offered a blowjob. I graciously accepted and came on her neck.

She asked, “Why d...

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck....

And the award for the best neck wear of the year goes to…

It’s a tie!

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The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

Have you heard of the good-looking chiropractor who fixes neck injuries?

She's a head turner

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What do you call a drink that will make you feel numb from the neck down?

A guillotini.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

What do you call someone who resurrects dead people to kiss their necks?

A Neckromancer.

I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment and left with the worst pain in my neck

I don't recommend Dr. Acula.

Kiss in the neck can be a sweet, romantic gesture

not sure why everybody in the bus is freaking out

Old Bert is 90..

...and the doctor makes a visit.

"So, any ailments, Bert?"

"Not really, Doctor. I'm bit slow, but everything works."

"Really?" says the doctor. "Nothing at all?"

"Well..." says Bert. "My neck has gotten a bit stiff over the years, but once I get the rocking chair going, I...

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!! Finally she confronts the store owner her apologizes profusely. He scolds the bird and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ug...

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A man was stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years

A beautiful woman in a skin-tight wetsuit washes up on shore and walks up to him. She asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?"

"About ten years," the man says. The woman unzips her wetsuit a little at the neck, pulls out a flask, hands it to the man and he drinks deeply.

"H...

Are you paralyzed neck-down?

Move your hands above your neck

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.

'What sort of horse?' said the owner.

'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her teeth?'...

Manners

A man returns home from work late at night. Suddenly when he gets to a very dark street, a vampiress pops up.

"Mwaa ha ha! mere mortal... surrender your blood! and pull down your pants right now!"

The man, both terrified and confused, replies:

"Wha--I thought you guys a-aimed fo...

I stuck my neck out for a friend

Turned out they were a vampire.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

How do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

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A Red Neck Family

The daughter went to the father & asked, “Hey pa can I borrow the car? I want to go to the movies with my friends badly.”

The father replies, “Sure you can borrow the car.. under one condition, you gotta suck my d*ck.”

She says, “Ah not this again dad I just want to go to the movi...

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Mother in law and stairs

Two old friends meet each other after a long time:

A: Oh hey, what's new?

B: Nothing much, my mother in law died.

A: Oh really, damn, how?

B: She went downstairs to the basement to get some potatoes for lunch, fell and broke her neck.

A: That's tragic, what did you...

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer are sentenced to death by the guillotine

The lawyer will be executed first. He is taken to the guillotine, the priest blesses him, and he puts his neck on the scaffold. The executioner releases the blade, which falls and stops halfway.

The priest, taking advantage of the opportunity, immediately says:

\- Gentlemen, God did...

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is...

The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere.

This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son...

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

When someone says get a grip,

Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

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