I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

I once tried to kill myself by hanging from the ceiling with a noose around my neck. I was unsure if it would work.

The suspense was killing me.

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

How does Mike Wazowski make such good neck jewelry?

Because he’s neckless

My girlfriend broke up with me after I snapped her neck

She'd prefer if I snapped pictures of her face, but either way, "snapchat is dead like our relationship so goodbye."

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?

To connect its head and body together.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

A giraffe's neck is so strong a human can climb up it

Also, I'm banned from my local zoo

A coworker just asked me to grab a fork and stab her in the neck.

I told her to go fork herself.

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

I'm not sure how I feel about this rash on my neck.

But it's starting to grow on me.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

What do you have when your mother-in-law has concrete up to her neck?

Not enough concrete

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck.

She said 'So did I!'

Why are red neck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA samples match and there are no dental records

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son...

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

Why don't rednecks do the reverse cowgirl?

They never turn their back on family.

What do you call someone who really loves necks?

A necromancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A limbless woman sits in a wheelchair on a boardwalk with a sign around her neck that says "Ask how you can help me"

She sits there patiently as people stare as they walk by and it takes a good 30 minutes before a man walks up and asks "how can I help you?". She says to the man "I've never been hugged before, will you hug me?" With a smile on his face, the man gives her an amazing hug and continues on his way. ...

“Dude, you’ve got a henway on your neck!”

“What’s a henway?”

“About three pounds”

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

Man goes to a doctor because he has a clown growing off of his neck.

Doctor tells him, "Don't worry, it's nothing serious"

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

If Jesus was killed in 1865,

Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to...

A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck.

The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."

What do red necks and scientists have in common?

Relative dating

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walking down the street notices a paraplegic prostitute with a sign around her neck that read “Fuck me for $1”

So the man thinks to himself, “Why not?”

He then picks her up and throws her into a river and yells, “Now you’re fucked!!! Where’s my dollar?...”

Why do cows often have bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What do you call a face, hand, or neck tattoo?

An everlasting jobstopper

Father: wow son you're really dressed up! What's that around your neck?

Son: it's a Tide Ad

What do you get when you have three lawyers up to their necks in sand?

More sand.

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

I kink my neck so often...

I'm starting to think I'm secretly into BDSM

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Charlize Heron

Sarah is a girl who was born with no body. No arms, no legs, not even a torso. Nothing below her neck.

In a major medical accomplishment, doctors develop a set of very small devices to function as her internal organs and install them in her neck. These keep her fully functional with exception of being able to walk or manipulate objects as if she had arms or legs.

Once she is released from the ...

Why does the giraffe have a long neck?

Because it has smelly feet.

That neck pain changed my life.

I never looked back from then.

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a man with an arrow through his neck?

An ambulance you heartless bastard.

Son, what on earth is that thing around your neck?

It’s a tie, dad.

It's 1887 and a three-legged dog walks into a saloon, grabs the bartender by the scruff of his neck, looks him dead in the eyes and says...

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always wear a bell around my neck when I'm masturbating when people are home.

So they can hear me coming.

I just put my neck on the line.

But apparently that's not how you're supposed to do cocaine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

And The Best Neck Wear Award goes to....

wait its a tie.

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

Why do zombies love necks?

They were made by a neck romancer

What do you call 25 lawyers buried neck-high in sand?

not enough sand

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

Why do rednecks have red necks?

From provoking everyone else they meet to strangle them.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck...

Bar tender looks at him and says, "I guess I'll let you hang out but you better not start anything."

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

A pagan tribesman accidentally walks into a Christian priest, who clasps the cross around his neck with trembling hands and screams "Dear God!"

Also frightened, the tribesman clasps his ritual bone-necklace, screaming "Deer God!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and ro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand?

Progress

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

Yesterday I got dared to have surgery that prevented me from moving my neck...

There's no turning back now

No one in the Star Trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie.

They're all use to Klingons.

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into his own bedroom with a sheep around his neck.

His wife is already in bed.
The man says: "Look, this is the pig I fuck when you're not here".
His wive: "But that's a sheep".
The man: "I wasn't talking to you".

How do red necks celebrate Halloween?

Pump kin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...