A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

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Why won't this bitch sleep with me?

All I've done is treat her well, better than most people have, I've spent a tonne of money on her, I treat her everyday, and my bed is way more comfortable then her doggy bed, but she still prefers to sleep on her doggy bed anyway.

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It doesn't take much to get a country girl to sleep with you

You just need to sexually a tractor

If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, does a hard sleeper sleep with a

window open?

Do you know you shouldn't sleep with a naked dwarf after she has given birth? (Slightly NSFW)

You will be accused of doing the Bare MiniMum.

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

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What is the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you after you sleep with him?

I'm not Willy Nelson.

Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun...

...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

What did Hera say to her husband when he asked if it was okay to sleep with other women?

Are Zeus serious?

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Everyone I sleep with tells me my dick is a big joke

A real knee slapper

Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open?

Because it has short skin.

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

As she lay there dozing next to me one voice said, “Relax you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another kept reminding me, “Howard you’re a veterinarian”.

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

I like to sleep with a bedside lamp on.

Girlfriend says its weird.
I don't know why, it makes a great hat.

Man: "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

Woman: "You bet!"

Man: "Ok then. How about two dollars?"

Woman: "Go to hell! Who do you think I am?!"

Man: "I know that much. Now all that's left is the price."

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn’t mind, go for it.

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A man walked up to me and asked "Did you sleep with my wife"

And I thought about it and said "the term "slept" or sleep is weird, because sleep means to close your eyes and go into a not conscious state, but we have adapted the term to also be used in the context of sexual relation. I find it makes more sense to just say I did fuck your wife."

Anyway I...

Jackie: John, did you sleep with Marilyn Monroe?

JFK: I had to Jackie. Not because she was easy, but because I was hard

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

People would never sleep with their relatives

Unless they incest.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I thought I was going to sleep with an Eskimo-girl

But, she wasn’t Inuit.

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

"mom i don't want to sleep with grandma anymore"

"but honey you know we don't have enough money to bury her"

Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

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A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

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A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

When Santa tries to sleep with other women . . .

He’s thinking with his South Pole

How do you get a fat person to sleep with you?

Piece of cake

I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It’s why I’m divorcing my wife to join a band

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Why did the former leader of Cuba only sleep with Muslim men?

He liked hearing them say "In Fidel! In Fidel!"

The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before

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A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by. "Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?," he says. The nun says nothing but gives him a nasty look and walks away. "Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him. The homeless man turns around...

A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday"

His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"

What was Lara Croft’s response to Ezio when he asked why she wouldn’t sleep with him?

Ubisoft

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A prostitute says to a Yorkshireman, "Would you like to sleep with me for 100 quid?"

The Yorkshireman says, "I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"

The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."

Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

Fear of over dos

"You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you."

"And you're smart too!"

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

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