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Sleep With Jokes

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18
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What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist
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Is it okay to sleep with your third cousin

if you've stopped sleeping with the first two?
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My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
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A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...
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She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...
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One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"
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Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
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I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
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"Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."
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Why should you never sleep with a whale?

They always like to Humpback
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I've always wanted to sleep with the stretchy mom from that superhero family movie

It would be fucking Incredible

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A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by. "Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?," he says. The nun says nothing but gives him a nasty look and walks away. "Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him. The homeless man turns around...

I don't sleep with too many nuns...

... but I'm willing to get into the habit.
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Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.
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Why did Napoleon and his wife sleep with other people?

Because their last name was Bonaparte, not Bonetogether.
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She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

My friend says he wants to sleep with Cleopatra

I think he just has mummy issues.
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Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say
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If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, does a hard sleeper sleep with a

window open?
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My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

“Which sister?” is not the correct answer.
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I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.
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It doesn't take much to get a country girl to sleep with you

You just need to sexually a tractor

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.
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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It’s why I’m divorcing my wife to join a band
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I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.
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I don’t sleep with dates on the 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, or 13th date

It’s my prime dating rule
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Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open?

Because it has short skin.
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Why did Georgia sleep with Pennsylvania’s wife?

Because they are swing states.
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Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.
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People would never sleep with their relatives

Unless they incest.
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A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...
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Everyone I sleep with tells me my dick is a big joke

A real knee slapper

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.
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"mom i don't want to sleep with grandma anymore"

"but honey you know we don't have enough money to bury her"
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I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
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I like to sleep with a bedside lamp on.

Girlfriend says its weird.
I don't know why, it makes a great hat.
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Man: "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

Woman: "You bet!"

Man: "Ok then. How about two dollars?"

Woman: "Go to hell! Who do you think I am?!"

Man: "I know that much. Now all that's left is the price."
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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before
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A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.
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I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass
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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!
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I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.
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A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.
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I thought I was going to sleep with an Eskimo-girl

But, she wasn’t Inuit.
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What is the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you after you sleep with him?

I'm not Willy Nelson.

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox
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At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
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Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun...

...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.
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Do you know you shouldn't sleep with a naked dwarf after she has given birth? (Slightly NSFW)

You will be accused of doing the Bare MiniMum.
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When Santa tries to sleep with other women . . .

He’s thinking with his South Pole
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Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts
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A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

Two men are talking whilst having beers, 'Call me old fashioned but I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married' he says 'What about you?'

'I'm not sure to be honest' says the friend ' What was her maiden name?'
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Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger
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I still sleep with stuffed animals

I can't help it, I just love taxidermy
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