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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

I walked into my teachers doing the deed

Goddamn homeschooling

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

I popped a tire that a homeless guy was living in. It was a good deed. Wanna know why?

he’s living in a flat.

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

Our teacher asked us what we did on our good deeds day. I said I took an old lady across the street.

"That was not very hard," he said.

"Yes it was," I replied, "she wanted to stay on her side."

As a good deed, I carried an old lady's groceries home today.

The salami was good, but I didn't like the instant soups.

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

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An Irish daughter (Probably been posted before but still a favorite)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn’t want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on t...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

No good deed goes unpunished

Like the other day when I gave up my seat to this old, frail lady, only to lose my job as a bus driver.

Got arrested for doing a good deed

How come people can donate a kidney and get praised as heroes, but when I donate 5 I get arrested.

A favor for a neighbor is a good deed.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

My good deed for the day

In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you’ve got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

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Hey man went fishing on a beautiful Sunday morning

On his way there he passed couple of women walking to a church.

"Oh I see you are going fishing, but why do you need this brick?"

Says one of the women pointing at his hand.

"Well that's my secret, but I can tell you this secret for a blow job"

"You are disgusting!" Woman...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

hello

Police do a good deed

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows “not all cops are in that category”.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX. which reported ...

When a Gamestop employee dies and goes to Heaven...

Do you think God says "Well you have 3,000 good deeds, but I'm only gonna give you credit for 14 of them."

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A prince is riding through the woods on his horse.

Suddenly he hears someone screaming for help near the path. He immediately jumps off his horse and hurries in the direction from which the screams seemed to come. Behind a bush he discovers a dwarf trapped under a small tree.

"Help! Please help me, I'm stuck here," the dwarf screams in pain....

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I did a good deed for today

Now time to go back to being a piece of shit like regularly scheduled.

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In a faraway land there was a king

And he had a very beatiful daughter, the minister loved her so much that he would offer anything for a night with her, So the strategist made him an offer: "give me half your wealth and I'll think of a way so you get to kiss her for a whole day...but if you break our deal you will regret it"
...

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

History is his-story, rambled the tumblrina... where are the records of the deeds of women?

that is a miss-story

An elderly gentleman dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

God looks over his life, and recounts his deeds. "Yes, you've been a good man all your life: an honest man, a good husband and father, and a Holocaust survivor. Very well, you may pass into heaven." The gates open, and as the man walks through, he starts chuckling under his breath. God asks, "What's...

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

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A person gets a choice to select between hell and heaven

A person dies and when God sees the account of his good and bad deeds, then it is known that he has equal amount of good and dirty actions. God gives him a chance to visit both hell and heaven and select where he wants to go.


When he goes to heaven, he sees everything is beautiful and all...

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

This joke is translated from georgian.

A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.

The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:

Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.

The...

Farmers dog

One day my father invited my uncle to go hunting. My uncle was not much of a hunter but decided to tag along anyways. After a 40 minute ride in the truck they pulled up to a farmers house in the middle of nowhere and announced he was going to go ask the farmer if it was OK to hunt on his land and to...

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

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A leper goes to a prostitute one night.

After they do the deed, he says "keep the tip".

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

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Hooker in casino

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can le...

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Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

I have no title

If you ever feel useless, just think about the mortgage feature on Monopoly deeds.

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Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were...

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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

Finished!

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. ...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

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Cross-eyed Cow

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly wh...

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Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

S...

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A preacher goes to prostitute...

A preacher goes to a prostitute. After the deed when he is leaving,

Prostitute : "Sir, money?"

Preacher : " Are you kidding me, honey?, I will never take money from you for this."

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

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Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

If Jack the Ripper was...

...transported to current times and wanted a fast food meal before carrying on his dasterdly deeds in our time what might an appropriate dining establishment be called?




Chick-fil-A

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

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A nun was hitchhiking and the truck driver decided to give her a lift

Nun kept saying how grateful she was and if there's anything she could do in return. The trucker was a bit shy at first, but finally admitted:

- "Well, you know how lonely these roads can get, and we truckers really like to make some love on the way. And to be honest, I've never had sex with ...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

It's Judgment Day and three married men are sent to heaven

Three friends are standing in line waiting to be judged: Jim, Billy and Kevin.



Forward comes Jim and God tells him: "Jim, you've been loyal to your wife and never cheated". God gives Jim a brand new sports car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Jim.



Next com...

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A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

A man stands before St. Peter

St. Peter says "You are in luck today! All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!"
The man says, "Boy, do I have a story for you! I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar. There I saw a gang of five bikers, a...

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

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A guy is walking along the beach minding his own business

When he encounters a crying woman with no arms or legs.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over and asks her why she's crying.

"I've never been hugged", responds the woman.

The man ponders for a bit and says "fuck it" and he picks her up, hugs her, sets her down and...

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets ...

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

A Good Man

A good man spends his life doing good deeds. One day he was flying back from Africa when his pane crashes near an uncharted island. He survives but is captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are prepping to cook him when he warns them.

"If you eat me, you guys are gonna feel sick and th...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows...

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Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

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A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

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