How to get laid in five easy steps!

1 - Denial

Why don't sunflower seeds get laid?

Because they're in shells

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

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I get laid almost every day of the week.

Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.

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Why did Popeye never get laid?

Because Olive Oil was extra virgin.

How to get laid for free.

Work at the cemetery like me.

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

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I only get laid by prostitutes.

I'm a buysexual.

Why don't mitochondria ever get laid?

Cause they're incels

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city to get laid.

They walk into a club, the farmer finds a cute girl, and he starts sweet talking her.

Unimpressed, the girl says "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2000 acre farm, 10000 cows, and a 7 inch dick.

The farmer dies inside, and walks back to his friend. The friend asks "What happened?...

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

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This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

Where is the best place to get laid during Covid?

Super spreader events.

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I might become a physics teacher to get laid...

I always hear people going into Physics exams saying "I'm so fucked"

What do you call a prisoner that can't get laid.


What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid


If you were born in 2000 and get laid on New Year's day 2020

It'll be your first score.

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A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel a...

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

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The only way you're gonna get laid.

Is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!!

How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

How to get laid for free without the trouble of dating...


Start working at the mortuary like me.

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

How do you get laid in Alabama?

Tell them you’re their long-lost brother.

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

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I'm a 25 year old virgin and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an escort...

It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a crappy old Ford is gonna help.

If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

do you screw, nut, and bolt?

Graveyards are great places to get laid

Especially if you have a shovel and a “can do” attitude!

In which nation do you get laid very easily?


Me wanting to get laid is like being on reddit

expecting to see original content. It’s not gonna happen.

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So a father decides to give his so $1 to get laid...

So the old farmer decided his son was of age. The brothel in town had a tradition that a young man could have his first evening with a lady for only $1. So the farmer gives his boy $1 and sends him to town.

Well the boy makes it to the brothel. He gets welcomed by a talented older lady, pays ...

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Why can't the guy from Dirty Jobs get laid?

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

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What does Willy Wonka give his employees when they get laid off?

An everlasting jobstopper

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

To catch a predator.


Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5?
Because they can't even!


Why do white people have so many pets?
Because owning people is not legal anymore

**EDIT** Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) Th...

I’ll never get laid with this username because..

I’ll always scare the chicks away....

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You're 18, it's time to get laid

A a boys 18th birthday his father gives him a $100 bill and tells him to go get a hooker. So young man leaves to go look for a hooker. After a few hours of driving around and finding nothing he likes he decides to visit his grandmother.
She asks what he is up too and he tells her. She says "I...

I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....

Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

What is it called when a History major doesn't get laid?

The non-intercourse act

How does a nun get laid?

She dresses up like an altar boy.

What's the best part of the library to hang out if you want to get laid?

Adult friction.

Why don't mediocre salesmen get laid?

Because they sell a bit.

Two drunks are looking to get laid

After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not mo...

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

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An old woman wants to get laid one last time [NSFW]

So she calls a prostitute. He comes and they get to do it. And at first it's very unpleasent, it doest slide well.
They stop for a break and get to do it again. And this time it's wonderfull, everythings goes as needed and even better, even the prostitute is having the time of his life.

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Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus

...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes

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I only get laid because of who I am...

A rapist!

-Rodney Dangerfield, RIP

What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid?


Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?

Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.

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Two cowboys decide to go to the town to get laid.

They go to the bar and pick up two sisters. Once they are in the hotel room the girls hand them a couple of condoms. The guys had never seen one, living on the mountain all the time, and they ask what those are supposed to do. The older sister explains to them that they should use these so they don'...

Whats the difference between you and eggs

Eggs get laid

Ps: Sorry if this has been posted before(playing it safe)

A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue.

" Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"


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Fuck ugly people.

That way you'll finally get laid.

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My Sisters From Another Mister

Its Little Johnny's 18th bday. He gets home and sees his mom baking a cake for him and cooking dinner. She says, "Happy birthday son" and gives him a hug and a kiss.
Dad comes home and says,. "Son go put on your best clothes because tonight you're going to become a man.Yep I'm taking you out t...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

Why is it no fun being an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird who sits on your face is your mother.

Am I people?

Baby chick: Mummy, Mummy, am I people?

Mother hen: No dear, you are chicken.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, was I born?

MH: No dear, you were laid.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, do people get laid?

MH: Some do, and some are chicken.

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

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