I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get ...

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.

When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curiou...

A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more an...

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan love 2D girls so much?

A lot of bad things happened when they were the third Axis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

Why do people love whiteboards so much?

They're just remarkable

Never fall in love with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

I love jokes about mountains

They are hill areas

Man, I love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

"If you don't get us a dog you don't love me" Says my daughter.

"That sounds like blackmail" I said back.

My daughter runs to my wife and shouted "Dad said we would have a dog as long as it is a black male!"

Two Neanderthals loved partying

They went clubbing

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

I love telling dad jokes.

He used to laugh at them before he died.

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

I really love playing my Nintendo Switch on the bus during my commute to work.

Ensures plenty of Mii time.

Her : I love U

Me: really?

Her: yes, 'U' is my favorite vowel.

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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

There are 3 things I love:

Eating my family and not using commas

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I wasn’t sure if my wife or my dog loved me more...

So I locked both of them in a closet for 2 hours in the dark.

When I opened it, only my dog was happy to see me.

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

“Jesus loves you”

Is a wonderful thing to hear in church, but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

I love eating glow worms

Especially as a light snack

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns.

That's just how eye roll

There are a million different ways to say I love you...

...and only one way to say “wrong hole”.

My dad said that if you do what you love you would not work a day in your life.

I love drugs

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: "Turn left here."

I'm her #1 Love

I was feeling a little down on myself after being sick for a long time so I asked my wife if I was truly her #1 love. So perfectly she responded, "Of course you're my #1 Love sweet heart! You're my only #1 love.." Then she paused and added... "All my others have been 9's and 10's!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love Tom Clancy, so I named my penis Ryan.

Now when I masturbate, I Jack Ryan.

I saw a girl the other day, and sparks flew. I love her, she loves me, she followed every command that I gave her

I love my new taser

I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7

Today is the day!

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved.

Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

My new girlfriend loves bees.

She's a keeper.

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi father to tell him he’s in love.

A young Jewish man goes to his father who is a rabbi and tells him he fell in love with a woman he wants to marry.

“What is her last name?” The father asks.

“Smith” the young man replies.

“Smith?” Says the father, “I’m sorry son, but Smith is not a Jewish last name, you must ...

I have always loved animals,

Specifically chicken tenders, beef stroganoff, pork chops, and ribeye steak.

I love my six pack so much,

I protect it with a layer of fat.

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

I love this time of year...

... You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room without any disgusted looks.

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Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

What game do anti-vax children love playing?

Marko Polio

Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

Why do pirates love Reddit so much?

Everything starts with “R” followed by a slash.

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

My father's last words to me were, "I love you, son".

Then he threw me out of the house.

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

What do you call an Ex that loves talking about their ex's ex.

Ex-ception.

My wife is madly in love with me.

Things sure would be nicer if she were happily in love with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

Why do females make the best archaeologists?

Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.

After years of trying to convince my wife of the need to spice up our love life, she took one look at me as I walked in the door from work and told me I was too dirty, go in the back door.

Unfortunately, I must have misinterpreted something. I need bail money and a divorce lawyer.

What is the speed limit of love?

68 because any faster and you eat it.

I love water, it's my favourite drink.

I guess you could call me a H2hoe.

I love some of the old saying

Sharing is caring

If you love it let it go

It's the gift that keeps on giving

and feel the burn

are all great, except if you are talking about STDS

What music do trees love listening to?

Bach

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

What did the teenage cavemen and cavewomen love to do?

Go clubbing

I finally quit the job I hated and have decided to do what I love

Cocaine

I have a good friend who loves to wear camo

I haven't seem him in years!

A man's guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Get a woman who cares for you and is compassionate.
2. Get a woman that knows how to maintain a home.
3. Get a woman that puts out.
4. Get a woman who will stay faithful to you forever.

And, most importantly:
5. Never let those four women meet each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Jews who love 80's punk?

Bar misfits.

I love that classic children's book about farting in bed:

*The Wind in the Pillows*

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

What do you call the erection during one of your loved one's funeral?

A mourning wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who loved tractors...

This man was literally obsessed with tractors. He fucking LOVED tractors. He lived tractors, his life was eat, sleep, tractors. However, one day, he fell off a tractor and broke his leg. After that, he hated tractors and never went near one again.

A few years later, the man came home from the...

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

Don't you love when you drop the soap...

And it lands perfectly vertical, standing there like magic?!?

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

My wife isn't into S&M. But I still love her...

she really can't be beat.

There was a man, and he loved tractors.

He'd ride tractors, own 10's of tractors, read about tractors, they were his life. One day however, his wife got fed up with his obsession and left him over it.

He decides to kick his obsession to win his wife back, so over the course of a few months, he succeeds. He calls up his wife and say...

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always love homophone jokes

They're humerus

I loved my entire college experience.

I had fun that day.

What is the difference between like and love?

Spit and swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

Why do walruses love tupperware parties?

They are always on the lookout for a tight seal!

I once told a girl I loved her.

She said, "What?"

I said, "As a friend."

It's no wonder women love chocolate so much. Their pronouns give it away.

Her/she

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My love life is like blackjack

I always hit on 16

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A short love story

A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids in my neighbourhood love to play basketball

Being shitty throws, I am usually assaulted by a wild ball every time I pass by the court.

So yesterday I decided to devise a plan to prevent that. I spent the whole day at work thinking of a solution but couldn't think of any.

Then while returning home, it hit me.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

Which U.S city loves Indian food the most...

Baltimore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

I’d love to tell you that you’re beautiful...

But beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been inside you yet.

I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

Steve Irwin loved all animals.

But stingrays had a special place in his heart.

Why does 1 love 0?

Because he is always around.

Ever wonder what the love life of a high school physics teacher is like?

Assume there is no friction.

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve. You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?"

God shrugged, "Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

“Doctor, I believe that love is infectious”

“Indeed, that’s why you have gonorrhea”

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

Why do catholic priests love Halloween?

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