Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

I love puns about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

**She didn’t know I existed.**

Have you heard the story of two furnaces that fell in love?

Every time I read it, it smelts my heart.

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

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My girlfriend loves my dick.

Her parents always taught her to enjoy little things!

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Love is blind

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.

The father yells, "What the hell?!"

The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

What do you call two shoes in love?

Solemates

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W...

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

What is the worst response to I love you?

I love Emilia.

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

What's the difference between love.. true love and showing off?

Spitting.
Swallowing.
Gargling.

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off.

I'm tired of that shiv.

I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

Two parents wanted to make love

Two parents wanted to make love,but the children were still awake, so the mother said :who will sleep early today will get 100$,............................... ...............................................................................................................................................

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

Wow! My dad loves sugar!

He loves it so much that he even puts it in his nose!

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

How do hedgehogs make love?

Carefully

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

Out of 10, How much do you love Harry Potter?

About 9 3/4

It's not that I love karate

I just hate boards

What do you call a love affair between 3 spies?

Espionage a trois.

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I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you.

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and...

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

Why do Americans love fishing?

They'll kill anything in a school.

Two years ago I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

I love spoiling the plot of 'Dorian Gray'.

Never gets old.

My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

Why do communists love time

cause its hours

I love telling dad jokes!

Sometimes he laughs.

Girl in a super market says to a guy, Hi there: Do I know you he says? I think you're the Father of one of my Kids: He said are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching? She replies.

No I'm your Sons Teacher.

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What has beautiful breasts, a full ass, and loves blowjobs?

I don’t know, but it’s not my wife

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

The girl I love is now a single!

She just broke up with me.

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Love is like taking a shit

Sometimes it feels great and sometimes it hurts.

I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

I love enharmonic tones!

My life would truly A# without them.

All maids love their brooms

Well, that's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

Jesus says he loves me...

but I'm worried about the age gap.

I love disobeying my parents

it keeps me grounded.

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As we made love she said "Ill let you put it in my ass but you have to turn the light off first"

I really should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

My parents always said “I can’t tell you how much I love you.”

I understood why, it would probably be too harsh for me to hear.

Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July?

All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

True love lasts forever.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ...

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I recently fell in love with Naval History

World War II submarines in particular fascinates me. Japan's I-400-class and the US's Gato class submarines are my absolute favorites. These are the subsifellfor.

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A man had no love life so he went to see a Chinese sex doctor...

The doctor was named Doctor Chang and was an expert is changing people’s sex life. He said to the man,

“Take off alr of your crose,” the man did and looked to the doctor to see what was next

“Now crawr rearry fast to the end of the room.” Which the man did so Dr. Chang said,
“Now c...

Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

I would love to make a dad joke right now...

But I can’t go father than that.

What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common?

They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui.

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The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

If you love something

**If you love something, set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was...**

And if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV, unaware that it's been set free, you probably married it...

Or gave birth to it...!!!

I love my wife.

She just surprised me with a all-inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic, and full access to the mini-bar! She even just got me a million dollar life insurance policy.

Hell Yeah!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I love telling jokes and leaving people speechless.

Maybe I should stop visiting the ICU coma patients

Making love to a beautiful woman is just like playing the piano

I don’t have a clue how to do either.

Man I love eating vegetables!

Anyway, that’s how I lost my medical license.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

I love the way Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

Girls with parkinsons must really love giving handjobs

They just can’t stop

A desperate young man is searching for the love of his life online

He learns about a dating website where he can fill in his preferences. So he navigates to the website and starts to type:

1. The love of my life should be not to tall.
2. She should enjoy company and walking around in a group.
3. In addition she should love swimming and not talk too mu...

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Love child is the modern term for a Bastard.

Love Island must be the collective term.

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A guy falls in love with a girl called Wendy

Few months later, he decides to propose to her. To make it unforgettable, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, so when it's flaccid it reads WY and when he gets a hard on, it says Wendy. He shows it to her and she's so impressed with his commitment and all, says Yes and they get married.
...

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

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I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it." He chuckled, Don't worry that's quite common."

Reluctantly relieved, I asked, "Really?"

"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

Peace, Love and Happiness

A very strict man had three hot daughters, named Peace, Love and Happiness. He always hated any guy his daughters brought home - always told them there was no man good enough for his daughters.

Peace was dating a boy he particularly hated, but she kept dating him anyway. Once Peace and her bo...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"

so after we made love

***i disappeared***

“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church...

It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

If I had a dollar for every time that Thanos told me he loves me

I would have 1500$

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

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I love my wife so much I had “I Love You” tattooed on my penis.

Now she’s mad at me because she says I keep putting words in her mouth.

I love bring your son to work day

My mum's a stripper

I love dry erase boards.

They're remarkable.

I love to tell jokes in elevators

They work on so many levels.

Why do truck drivers love the 1st day of June?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas

They told me true love would never leave you in your life.

I guess I've already found it. Crippling deppression would never leave me in my life.

I love learning Quantum Computing!

Because half the time there is nothing to learn..

I love jokes about boxing

There’s always a punchline

I asked my Dad: "Hey Dad, if I was ugly, would you still love me?"

He said: " What do you mean if? What do you mean still? And what do you mean Dad?"

A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick.

It was clearly a big red flag.

I love my wife. She won't settle for anything.

Unlike myself.

Stalking is just taking long romantic walks with the one you love...

But only one of you knows about it.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

Things were going really well with this lovely Chinese girl I'd taken home when she asked if there was anything I'd like. I said "I'd love a 69"

She slapped my face, burst into tears and threw me out, screaming "You bloody men are all the same...!

"I'm not making beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

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