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A short love story

A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the up...

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7

Today is the day!

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

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Husband: I love you my dearest Yanny

Wife: Who the fuck is Laurel?

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Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places.

For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.

My girfrliend said "I love you."

I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She said, "It's me, talking to the wine."



Thanks, I'm here all week. Two shows nightly.

Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

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A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Fina...

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I love having sex while camping

It's fucking in tents.

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What kind of dinosaur loves to take a shit?

A Craptor.

What do you call a king who loves weed

Your highness

Why do old people love golf?

It’s all about getting the least strokes

Here’s a joke my 3 year old loves to tell

Why did the lizard cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Your dog. Don't believe it? Put them both in the trunk for an hour and see which one's glad to see you when you open it

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

I like 25 letters of the alphabet

But I love u

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

My girlfriend told me she loves analogies

I told her that's great, but I'm still trying to figure out what ogies are.

I used to love tractors.

One day I fell of my tractor and broke my arm. At that moment I swore to never again like tractors. A few years later, I was just coming home from a night out with my friend when we saw my house filled with smoke. I walked inside and after a few breaths all the smoke was gone. When my friend asked ...

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

When she asks, what do you love more, me or my Ass?

Reply: the whole of you.

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

I love telling dad jokes

He even laughs sometimes!

I met a girl at a date auction and fell madly in love.

But our love was for biddin'.

Two calendars fell in love with each other

They went on a lot of dates

Why did Jeffrey Epstein love Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven?

...Cause it's in A minor.

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How did the guy die while making love to a Chinese sex robot?

He was erectrocuted.

God is LOVE!

The devil is 40, Match point!

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Girls That love dicks over 7 inches

Will really love me cuz im a 6ft3in dick.

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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

A joke that I will love forever.

You.

Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

What do you call a fruit that loves someone from afar?

A pineapple.

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished...

I love puns about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

People who truly love their 6 pack abs...

Will protect them with a layer of fat.

(Riddle)Everyone I love is dead. Who am I?

A necrophiliac

Two Antennas Met on a Roof, Fell in Love and Got Married...

The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was excellent.

Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

For a little while I thought I found something to replace my love for sushi....

...but alas, it was only tempurary.

You know what I love doing more than anything?

Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.


I can hardly contain myself.

Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s?

It’s like that gun has a Colt following!

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’

So I hired a film crew

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

Now she's not talking to me. I guess we doesn't watch the same movies.

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

Old Love

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you ...

How do blind bats fall in love?

They just click

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

**She didn’t know I existed.**

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

Its crazy how much people love Ford Mustangs

I hear they're a real hit with the crowd

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My wife loves animals!

She has a cat, two dogs, and this big ass that follows her everywhere!

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

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My girlfriend loves my dick.

Her parents always taught her to enjoy little things!

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My wife and I are making love every fucking night…

On non-fucking nights we don’t though.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

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I still remember the first time I made love to my girlfriend.

I said, "I would like to take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

She said, "I would like to take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

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A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W...

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

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Love is blind

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I cry every time I make love. You know why?

Mace.

What do you call hippie Mexican people who love to gamble?

Las Vegans

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Why do PineApples love extreme sports?

Because they’re hardcore!

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably..

Ive never pointed a gun at anyone before.

Did you hear about the two horses who fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.

The father yells, "What the hell?!"

The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep?

A wolly jumper

Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

I love Fibonacci jokes

Each new one is as funny as the previous two together

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because of my love for the Monkees.

Then I saw her face

If you love someone, set them free.

Keeping people tied to a wardrobe in the spare room rarely ends in happiness

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby.....

As though it might be something else, like a penguin.

My wife recently confessed that while she still loves me, she has fallen in love with someone else as well. I want what’s best for her, so after many long talks, I said I thought they should get married as well.

I thought that was mighty bigamy.

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

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Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

Love is blind.

good thing, otherwwise she'd never have agreed to go out.

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

A wife asks her man: when do you love me the most?

He says: 24/7...
His wife starts being overwhelmed and he continues: because tomorrow is 25/7

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Trump'

So that everytime someone honks I can give them the finger.

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

African children love their food like I love my Lamborghini.

I don’t own a Lamborghini.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with a ewe..

There was once a sculptureer who couldn't sculpt hands for the love of god

Which is why every sculpture of his was a bust!

What do you call two shoes in love?

Solemates

Have you heard the story of two furnaces that fell in love?

Every time I read it, it smelts my heart.

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

I love my recliner.

We go way back.

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

My love life is like Reddit meme formats

They either die in new or last only for a month.

What is the worst response to I love you?

I love Emilia.

What state loves a sport so much they named themselves after it?

It's tennis, see?

Wife asks her husband lovingly "What do you love about me the most, my eyes or my body?"

"Oh honey, I love your sense of humor the most"

A girl is being asked: when you fell in love for the first time?

The girl: at 16

And the second time?

At 16:25

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

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