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Love Jokes

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

Greta Thunberg must love reddit

Most of the content here is recycled

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

My wife and I make love doggy style...

I sit up and beg, she lies down and plays dead.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.

Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once ...

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

I think my deaf girlfriend is falling in love with a deaf friend of hers.

I’ve been noticing——the signs aren’t good.

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

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Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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Two residents of an old folks home fall in love…..

June and Freddy. And they adore each other but they are too old and weak for sex. So the way they show affection is that each evening, June visits Freddy in his room, they sit side by side in their armchairs, and June just holds Freddy’s penis in her hand while they watch TV. That’s their love life ...

I used to love Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too.

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An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me.

When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

I love when street names or city names kind of match where you live.

For example, I grew up on Old Dike Road. You can guess who my neighbors were.

That's right, a couple of civil engineers.

Wait, what were you thinking?

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

Joke my dad loved

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

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NAOMI: Did you know that my name backwards is ‘I MOAN’? That’s just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: You can just fuck off with your silly games.

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

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What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

Why do people love the way the earth rotates?

Because it really makes their day.

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

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My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

My friend died doing what he loved most...

Heroin.

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What does a horny ghost love to get?

Screampies.

I would love to become Santa

He knows where the naughty girls are.

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

Face only a mother could love

A lady walks into a restaurant with her child. The waiter, showing her to her seat, says "Ma'am, that has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Upset and shaken, the woman turns to the group at the table beside her and asks what they would do after being so insulted. The gentleman speaks up an...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

I love Netflix's audio logo

It's the best part of most of their original content.

I love bad eyeball jokes

the cornea the better!

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

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A young recently immigranted Italian couple Maria and Luigi fall in love and get married.

They're sort of poor and spend the honeymoon night at her mama and papa's house.
Maria's a nervous virgin and Mama's busy cooking spaghetti and has to try to calm Maria down and talk her into going upstairs to her husband. She finally does, and Luigi is sitting on the bed and gives her a long pas...

I love the expression 'As American as apple pie'

Because there isn't anything more American then copying other cultures and pretend its American

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Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

What u think about our love?

boy: what u think about our love?

girl: try to count the stars in the sky.

boy: awww. . it's infinite?

girl: no darling! It's a

waste of time!

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

What do you call two guy best friends who love math?

Algebros

I really love 50 Cent...

...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"

and you answer, "I can't do both."

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

I love that my wife is a golf enthusiast

When I finish in 3 strokes, she's proud of me!

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

I love abortions

They really bring out the kid in you

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

No matter how much I love cake…

Never gonna run around and desert you

My style of love making is just like jazz.

My style of lovemaking isn’t very popular.

I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I love whiteboards.

They're remarkable.

True love

A few days ago I called my girlfriend using my friend's phone. She picked the call and said "HI BABY".
She knows it's me even when I didn't speak. True love exists…

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

You know what chicks love?

Sweeping generalizations.

"I love you," I said. "Do you love me too?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "On a scale of 1-10 that sounds about right."

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

I love anti-vaxxer jokes.

They just never get old.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Why do Chinese people love iPhones?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love?

The swallow.

True love is finishing each other’s sentences

Ghislaine Maxwell must’ve really loved Jeffrey Epstein

I love synonym rolls

Just like grammar used to make!

She LOVES her husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party…
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force...

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Love ship

A sexy young woman who was spurned by her lover and then became unemployed, headed to the Manhattan docks to plunge to her death. She had nothing, no friends, no family, she just wanted to end it all…

As she was about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouted, "Stop! Don't do it!"
She rep...

I love getting a BJ on my Birthday.

A good birthday joke really makes my day.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Love for the game.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” sai...

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

I love plant puns....

They're so ferny.

My wife loves making pickles

She has asked me to grow some of the ingredients for her recipe in the garden to save money, but they haven't been producing very well.

It's been a real up dill battle.

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