Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

I love jokes about the eyes

The cornea the better

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

I love my girlfriend Arial.

I'm quite font of her.

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NAOMI: Did you know that my name backwards is ‘I MOAN’? That’s just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: You can just fuck off with your silly games.

When I was young, they always told me, "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life".

I didn't realize until now that it was a warning.

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

I'd love to have oral intercourse with my girlfriend, but...

... I don't want to hurt her fillings

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts

Why do environmentalists love this sub?

Reword, Repost, Recycle!

The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league.

Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?

I fell in love with a female electrician

She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I’d love to lose some weight...

but I never lose cause I’m a winner!

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

A jewish girl in a concentration camp was in love with a germain soldier.

One day, she runs up to him to confess her feelings.

Unfortunately, he shot her down.

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love,

the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychia...

I love short people

They are the most down to earth human beings

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

Necrophilia victims love it!

They just can't resist!

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

I love to joke about blind people

They never see it coming

life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

When a man is twenty he loves every woman

When he’s thirty,

he loves just one


And when he’s forty,

he loves them all...

...except that one!!

Why do orphans love boomerangs?

Because they actually come back.

I have fallen in love with a font

It's a bit of a Times New Romance.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

I know a guy who's motto is "Love thy neighbor"

He lives next to a brothel

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

I made love to a beautiful woman who is in the armed forces.

I just want to say,”Thank you for your cervix.”

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

What do you call a sculpture that loves to get high

A stoner

Most people love Dogs

But dyslexic people worship them!

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

I love self deprecating humor...

...but I'm too stupid to understand most of my jokes.

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

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My friend who is a sex addict says he loves camping.

I guess pitching tents is in his genes.

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.



(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

What's the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing a tennis match.

Five years ago, I asked the girl I love out for dinner.

Today, I asked her to marry me.

Shame she said no both times...

Null pointer, I love you.

Nothing compares to you.

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I love May! It was 25°C outside this weekend!

12°C on Saturday and 13°C on Sunday.

I love to tell dad jokes but I don’t have any kids...

I’m a faux-Pa.

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My neighbour has many dogs and loves to walk them around

Someone reported him to the police as a Pimp

Because he always used to brag about all the bitches he had on his leash.

What do I love more than part B?

Par-TAY!!

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My new Thai girlfriend said a small penis shouldn't stand in the way of our love.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

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GF: See you later, love you xxx

**Me:** love you too

**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx

**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky

A couple met in Myrtle Beach and fell in love.

They were discussing how to continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said, “ I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well,” she said, “ since you’re being honest, so will I. I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he s...

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

How did the two archaeologists fall in love

Carbon dating.

What do you call laundry that loves ICP?

A juggaload

I love Doritos

If the government is putting chips inside of people I would like to request cool ranch Dorito for mine.

When I was a child, I really loved reading all the stuff about north pole, animals that inhabit it etc.

But it is not as cool as it used to be....

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

Lately I’ve been looking for love in r/dentists...

Because according to my ex, dating me is like pulling teeth

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

I loved my pet rock

Our friendship was solid

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

Some people love camouflage clothing

But I don’t see the appeal

I love the sound of trotting horses.

It's too good too good too good too good.

Guy falls in love with a polish girl

He loves the girl to death. Would do anything to be with her. He asks her to marry him and she says “My family would never allow it since you’re not polish.” Crushed, the man is determined to find a way to be polish to marry the love of his life.

A few days pass and he goes to his doctor and...

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The secret to a good love life

### Is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these three women never, ever meet each other.

Fat people are great. It just means there's more of them to love.

Said the cannibal.

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I love you all as sapiens.

No homo.

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

Morning Love Making

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work everyday?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's ea...

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

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My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex.

Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

My friend with three nuts loves to give tattoos.

They're all tribal.

My girlfriend says I'm cheesy when I say I love her to much

So I asked her if I'm her snack that smiles back.

This is a real interaction and im very proud I came up with it on the spot.

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Apparently Scientists have created robots to give love and support to people

The first word that came to my head was "RoBlowjob"

I told my mom I loved her.

She told me were just friends.

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.
Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!
It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since th...

My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.

In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.

After a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.

In one drawer he foun...

Why do pirates love reddit?

Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day

because that field is probably not hiring

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

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Sex puns? I love them!!!

Quite clitorally

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I love you.

"I love you, Mom."

"What?"

"I love you, Mom."

"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again."

Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th...

Until you tell your nephew you’re his father!

I love elevator jokes

They never seem to go anywhere but they work on so many levels.

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Did you know Hitler loved the Grand Prix?

Yeah, he really hated other races.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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I love my grandpa

He always says wise thing like "if you can't beat em join em" but ever since the accident where he lost both his arms, he's been a real dick.

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