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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

Why did the pirate love his report card?

He got seven C's

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

My girlfriend and I don't have a vibrator, but she'd love to use one in the bedroom.

I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if you guys wanna actually pleasure a woman for once, drop a comment or two.

A test to see if your wife or your dog loves you more: put them both in the trunk for two hours

Then open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

Why do pirates love reddit?

Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

If I love Formula 1 and hate NASCAR...

Does that make me a race-ist?

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

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3 Words Better than I Love You?.

How about Anal?

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

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So this girls comes into my tattoo parlor begging to get live laugh love tattooed on her back

Normally I'd say no but she was pretty hot. Next she says she doesn't have any money.

Her: "I can pay you with my watch?"

Me: "I don't want your fake Rolex. Tell you what. I'll tattoo you if you show me your titties."

Her: "What? No way! I'm not showing you my tits. Ask for some...

I used to really love the United States, but I gradually tired of the decadence it was sinking into. I packed my stuff and moved somewhere else.

Now I'm an expatriot.

What Is Love ?

Love Is The 6th Sense That Destroy all The 5 Senses
And Make The Person NONSENSE

I love jokes about unvaccinated children

They just never grow old

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I learned Jesus loves you...

Means something completely different in Mexican prisons.

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

I was in a cab and the cab driver said “I love my job I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do”

Then I said: “turn left”

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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

I'm in love with the director of our local symphony...

...but she rejected my overtures.

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Love is like fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

Make love not war...

If you want both, get married.

Making Love to a Woman is a Lot Like Playing Basketball

Well, they're similar in the sense that I've done neither.

A young man intends to marry the love of his life.

His father explains the three rings.

The first ring is the engagement ring. It tells her of your undying love.

The second ring is the wedding ring. It signifies your intent to stay with this woman for the rest of your lives.

Then comes the suffering.

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

Today i lost my wife, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and the mother of my children.

5 deaths in one day was rough.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

Make Love like commuting on mass transit.

Try to make sure the other people get off first.

I said to her "What's the difference between making love and making conversation?"

She said "I don't know" and I said "Then lie down and let's talk."

So i have been married to a somewhat prickly woman when she's either hungry, or tired. However, i love her for who she is, and i have been able to persevere through all of it.

One day, she asked me how i calm my mind and face her with dignity, compassion and love as a husband.

I answered, "i always clean the toilet when i am emotionally disturbed."

"But how is cleaning the toilet calms your mind?" She asked.

"I use your toothbrush. "

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You know why black people love watching sports?

Easy, cause they dominate that shit.


It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

She loves me... She loves me not... She loves me... She loves me not..

Happy Ambivalentine‘s day!

Why do communists love time so much?

Because it's hours

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

When I make love it's like a misquito bite

You don't feel anything until the itching starts.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

I once had a dream that my parents didn’t love me

Then I fell asleep

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

My son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher

“Well I did.” I said.

“Oh? And what happened?”

“Your mother moved you to another school.”

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

If I said I love you would you say it back?

Her: Yes.

Me: I love you.

Her: It back.

Why do 9 ants get to love in an apartment for free?

Because they are not tenants..

Person 1: "I love Hugh."

Person 2: "Aw I love you too."

Person 1: "... no wait."

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

2 guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Awh man, I’d love to do that”.

Other guy says, “Hmm well maybe you’d better pet him first”.

I fell in love in fifth grade

We laughed together.

We cried together.

We hugged.

We kissed.

I lost my teaching license and now face criminal charges.

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My therapist said I should take myself on a date to learn to love myself.

I couldn't because I don't date broke people.

If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love?

A swallow.

I love the way the earth rotates.

It makes my day.

I would love to work as a railroad engineer

But unfortunately I don't have the proper training.

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Why did everyone love the prostitute’s baby?

It was Ho-made

I love mountain jokes

They’re hill areas

Why can't you hear a opossum making love?

Because the o is silent.

I loved my job as a crash helmet tester.

But some days it did my head in.

If love is blind...

... lingerie makes great braille

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her

An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Where do parents live if they love their two sons

Tatooine

If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”



My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

Dog vs Wife - How can you tell who loves you more, your dog or your wife?

Lock each of them in the trunk of your car for 8 hours to know who's truly happiest to see you when you open it.

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

It’s always been my dream to change my names to prized and be so famous and loved that I get knighted by the queen.

But if all that actually happened I’d be sir prized

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To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

I love my sat nav!

I just don't know where I'd be without it!

A long term relationship is 5% love, 5 % commitment.....

And 90% asking each other what you want for dinner tonight

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

I like a girl who loves romantic long walks....

because I don't have a car or money.

A man asks God, 'why did you make women so beautiful?' God answers, "so you would love her." He then asks, 'but why did you make her so dumb?'

God replies, "so she would love you."

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."
...

I got slapped in the face for dressing well. I told them what my dad said “always dress like you’re gonna meet the love of your life”.

My wife really got upset by it.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

A girl I know said she loved me

It was my mom

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

I'd love to hear a group of musicians preform

...But unfortunately it's band

The three hardest things to say to somebody are: "I love you", "I'm sorry", and...

Worcestershire.

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A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.

When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curiou...

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The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds & discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners

in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men ...

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

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My wife loves Winnie the Pooh

Told her this while making dinner.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Eeyore.

Eeyore who?

Ima Eeyore ass tonight.

Why do people love whiteboards so much?

They're just remarkable

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