If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".

"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path.

I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?

Hallways

What is Harry Potter's preferred way of getting down an inclined path?

Walking.

.......JK, ROLLING!

What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees?

A semi-circle.

Fun fact: 99% of voters who live in the "path of totality" for the upcoming solar eclipse voted for trump.

Which is ironic, because the *last* thing they wanted to do is make the country darker.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elephant is walking through a jungle path one day when, all of a sudden...

he hears a small voice cry for help. After following the voice through the dense vegetation he finds a mouse stuck in quicksand. The mouse desperately begs the elephant for help. Knowing that the mouse will die if he does nothing, the elephant whips out his dick, tells the mouse to grab the head, an...

A pastor is walking down a path

When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart. The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him: "Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed. It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"

"Oh no, sir, my father would not like that. I must...

Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path...

...when one nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An exhibitionist cross path with a 6 yo girl on her way to school.

He asks the little girl "Hey, honey, do you know what a phallus is ?"

"No mister, I've never heard of it"

He then gets his raincoat wide open, revealing the erected object and starting to laugh frantically "It's this ! hahahahaha"

To which the child answers "Oh I see, it's like ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush fa...

How are dogs able to estimate the flight path of a ball?

They ballbark it

Who had the easiest path to the presidency of the United States?

Mike Pence

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path

One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck "If you can guess how many ...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Those black cats better not cross my path. I'm not superstitious.

Just racist.

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel.

Two workers and a managerial looking guy are walking down a park path with a shovel. Every 20 feet they stop, one worker digs a small hole in the ground, and the other one fills it back up, while the managerial dude watches on with a pencil and clipboard in hand.


A bored passerby watche...

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother ...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finall...

Dinner time

A woman is preparing dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into a friends house. By the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to h...

What do you call a road that doesn't care about anyone?

A psycho-path.

A man is walking in the desert in Saudi Arabia.

As he's walking, a local man on a camel begins to come into view. The tourist turned and could see that a woman was walking behind the local man on the camel. The tourist asked the man:

"Who is that?"

"That is my wife," he replied.

"Wouldn't it be kinder to let her ride the came...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde is walking on a path...

she sees a piece of dog poop on the ground. She bends down, dips her finger in it and tastes it.

"Yuk, its poop."

Then she moves on thinking, "Thank God I didn't step on it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

Master yoda are we on the right path...

...off course,we are

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are walking home one night... (long) (nsfw)

Three men are walking home one night. Their path brings them through an alleyway. A crazy woman jumps them with a gun, and says that she will kill them unless their combined penis length was at least 15 inches.
So the first man pulls his out, and it is 8 inches. The second pulls out his own memb...

Two newfies are walking down a path...

They see a sheep tangled up in a fence. The one says "man, I wish that was a pretty lady" to which his friend replys "i just wish it was dark"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy is walking holding chicken wire...

He walks passed an old man on a porch.
"Whatcha got chicken wire for?"

"Gonna go catch some chickens!" Says the little boy.

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire you damn fool!"
The boy just walks off laughing. Around sunset the boy is walking back up and sure enough, he...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

I tried to be a sociopath, but I’m not too good in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-so path.

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this farmer, his son...

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter was a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month’s bills when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So ...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

There once was a bar that hosted roads and streets.

One night, a small avenue walked in to the bar, sat down and simply ordered a beer. Nothing unusual occurring here.

However a few minutes later, a two-lane main road walked in and started acting all high-and-mighty, for he was a bigger and more frequently used road. He told the small avenue t...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path. The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling hole...

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night...

All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop.

The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this”

The mans wife approaches the cougar and...

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

A narcissist bursts into the Emergency Room...

And she begins shouting words out very quickly. The waiting patients in the room perk up wondering what ails the newcomer.

The doctors enter from the other side of the room with a stretcher on their tails.

The first says "Lead us to your car so we can get the patient inside."

T...

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by their tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by the path.
Along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat to even feed the dogs."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

​

The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

​

The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

​

The Christian Scientist can't,...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

Obama loves to run...

So there’s a running track / path at the White House that goes from the house down around the gardens a couple of times and back to the house. Every president would jog the track to exercise and, naturally, things got competitive when they timed their runs.

Early in his presidency, Obama had ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - This guy sees his appendage in comparison to the guy next to him in the bathroom.

#NSFW
So this white guy notices that the black guy next to him at the urinal has a larger dick. It's not the first time he noticed the relationship. Finally, he summons the courage to ask. "Why are your black dicks larger than our white dicks ?"

The black guy chuckles. "It's cultura...

Two guys riding in a truck. NSFW

They come around a bend in the road to see the largest newfoundland lab they've ever seen.
The dog is sitting in the middle of the road blocking their path, thoroughly cleaning his balls. The passenger sees this and tells the driver I sure wish I could do that.
The driver says I'm sure you ca...

Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake see...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here's a dump of 8 fairly decent Dad Jokes!

**What do you call a homosexual police dog?** ^(a gay-9)

**Did you know that I was addicted to the hokey-pokey?** ^(luckily, I turned myself around)

**How do crazy women go through the forest?** ^(Through the psycho-path)

**You know what happens when you get a bladder infection...

A Scotsman went a walking

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the ...

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")

A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")

The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")

White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Ho...

Jesus was walking in the town plaza one day

When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling particularly cool, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by.

The Roman soldier, having ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following, simply grunted and ignored Jesus.

Jesus was a little disappointed so he turned aro...

A poetic version of "you are not a monk" joke

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warm...

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a man walking through the woods at night...

Without a flashlight, he proceeds with care, as he tries to follow the path. Through the silent of the night, he hears a faint sentence in the distance.

“When the log rolls over, we’ll all be dead”

Though petrified, his curiosity takes hold and he walks in the direction he heard the so...

A beardless knight was paying court to a queen.

The queen asks the knight whether he had fathered any children.

The knight answered that he was indeed childless, to which the queen responded :

' I do not doubt your words for a moment, for it is easy to judge from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good '

The K...

A Bar for Roads

There was once a bar in the UK for roads, they would gather and talk about all the vehicles and traffic they had each day.

In walked the M1, the M5 and the M6, three of Britain's biggest roads, they sat and boasted to each other about how busy they were. The other roads enjoyed listening to t...

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying, "You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her nak...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for on...

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

A Priest runs into a Streetwalker

A priest was walking down a side street in his little town when he came across a woman of ill repute. he stopped and told her in no uncertain terms that she had chosen the wrong path. “You’re telling me, father,” she answered. “I’ve been on this street for more than an hour and you’re the first man ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Accidental Exposure

A man is walking down the street on a nice Spring day, casually gazing into the many shop window displays. Suddenly, he notices a woman walking in the opposite direction, and as she gets closer he notices that one of her breasts is hanging out of her blouse. She seems oblivious, and the man is in tw...

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

Three Squaws Were Each Preparing For The Birth Of Their First Child.

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three form...

How many Jedi does it take to screw in a hallway lightbulb?

None, because once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny.

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:

"W...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...