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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

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You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

What’s the difference between kids and speed bumps?

I slow down for speed bumps.

Did you hear about the fight between the speed addict and Mike Tyson?

They were both pretty methed up

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What's the speed limit of sex?

68 - After that, you have to turn around.

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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?

Why the short face.....

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I saw a snail struggling to get across the pavement so I took off his shell to see if it would speed him up.

But it only made him more sluggish.

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

What do they use to track Olympic swimmers’ speed?

A speedo meter.

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

I have a speed bump phobia...

I’m slowly getting over it.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it...

Do you know why I hate speed, distance and time?

Because it’s so t = d/s

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Speed Dating

So this guy goes out for a date with his new girlfriend. They have a great time and decide to head back to hers, they jump into his sports car and zoom off. She lives out in the middle of nowhere up miles and miles of twisting, winding, country roads.

On the way she starts to get a little bit...

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps...

But don't worry, I'm slowly getting over it...

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

"We need to speed this up, chop-chop"

is something you should never tell a Saudi Arabian interrogator

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

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Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
...

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

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I remember when I first started using drugs, I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed. For a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy...

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was toast and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya ...

President Trump announces plan to limit Highway Speed Limit of 55 Miles per Hour

He wants to Make America Late Again

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

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A bunch of horses were bragging about their speed:

\- I won 30 races! - says one horse.

\- I won 50! - says the other.

\- Ha! I won 80 - shouts another.


Then a dog passing by says:

\- Feh! I actually won 150 races!

The horses, amazed, shout:

\- Holy shit a talking dog!!

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

I got a book to teach me how to speed read...

... I didn’t finish it. It was too slow.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

There’s a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It’s the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

Watched a film called Speed Walker

To be honest, I found it hard to keep up. The pacing was terrible.

Kid flys by a sitting cop car in excess of the speed limit.

Of course the cop chases him and stops him. With a big grin on his face the cop says I've been waiting for you all morning.
And the kid says, " well I got here as fast as I could."

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho?

Makes it so much easier to leave

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other car...

The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

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A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny headin...

ELI5: Why are download speeds so much faster than upload speeds?

Is it because of gravity?

Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

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What’s the difference between a cop holding a speed gun and a vagina?

Nothing, they are both cunts behind a bush.

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To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.



edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit ...

A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer pr...

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What did the cop say to the cat going over the speed limit?

That's a fine, pussy.

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed...

...that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

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A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy sa...

Did you hear about the Dole truck that crashed?

It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours.

It was bananas.

Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed. Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.

He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet an...

I met a girl through speed dating.

But our relationship couldn't end quick enough.

A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?

Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.

Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.

At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.

Cop: ...

I was in a high-speed car crash today.

Luckily I work for the FCC so I was going 5 mph on impact.

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
“Speed limit 30km”
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
“Speed limit 20km”
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
“Speed limit 10km”
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...