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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

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A man is speeding down a country lane...

At one point the police stops him.

"I have to get you a speeding ticket!"

The man begs him to turn a blind eye ...

The policeman replies: "Look ... I really like riddles. If you know exactly how to answer this riddle, I won't get you a ticket!"

The man gets ready up and c...

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

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3 men are speeding down a road

Their names are shut up, manners and crap. They are being chased by the police for speeding. Crap gets scared and jumps out of the car and into the woods next to the road. Manners says "Where's crap" and jumps out of the car and into the woods to look for him. The police officer catches up to the ca...

The old man speeding

An old age pensioner drove his brand new BMW up to 120 kmph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda Car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 160, ... then 180 ... Suddenly he thought,

" I'm too old for this nonsense !! "

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited...

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A State Trooper pulls over a man for going 20 over the speed limit

Trooper: Any reason for you to be going so fast?

Man: Sorry officer, I'm a doctor and I'm running late.

Trooper: Oh yeah? What kind of doctor?

Man: I'm a proctologist that specializes in asshole stretching.

Trooper: What the hell is asshole stretching!?

Man: It's ...

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your pic...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robber...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

A Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a 40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control set at 65; perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from the afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't even have cruise contr...

A police officer catches a speed runner who passed a red light

The driver said, sorry sir. I didn't notice cuz I'm daltonic. The officer replied 'So you mean there aren't traffic lights in Daltony?'

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

What’s the difference between a pedestrian and a speed bump?

You slow down for speed bumps

An electron is breaking the speed limit going along a motorway...

...When he is pulled over by a Proton. Proton: do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: yes, but now I have no clue as to where I am.

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

A woman gets pulled over for speeding

Officer: your licence please ma'am.

Woman: lost it for drunk driving.

The officer chuckled, "next you are gonna say that you stole this car, killed the owner, and left his body in the trunk."

The woman was shocked. "please, officer, I accept all the charges but tell me how do yo...

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

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What is the speed of sex?

68. Once you hit 69 you flip over and blow a rod.

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A guy is driving to work one morning, going well over the speed limit, when he gets pulled over.

The cop strides arrogantly over to the man, knowing that he's about to write a huge fine, and asks him why he was driving so fast.

"Sorry officer", the man replies, "but I'm late for work and I have an incredibly important job"

"Oh yeah?", the officer replies, "and just what work do yo...

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

Steve is driving to see his dying mother when he gets pulled over for speeding.

Steve angrily asks the cop, “What would you do if I called you a prick?" The cop looks up from his ticket pad and says, “I'd have to arrest you.”

“What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" The cop replies, “I can't do anything about what you think.” Steve says, “Well then, I think yo...

Speeding doesn't kill anyone

Stopping suddenly does.

A policeman pulls over a guy for speeding

The officer walks up to him and says "look buddy, its 16:50 on a Friday night and I knock off in 10 mins. I really don't want to be filling in paperwork so tell you what? Give me a good excuse for speeding away from me, and I'll let you go. The man thinks for a second and says "my wife ran off with ...

A man is pulled over for speeding

A man is pulled over for speeding.

The officer says “Sir, did you know you were going 68mph in a 60 zone?”

The man replies “68? Uh, is there any way you could make it slightly higher? I... I think it would be funny to hear a judge say it.”
The very confused officer agrees to his r...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

On which the miner replies, "mine".

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

What's the speed limit in bed?

It's 68. Once you reach 69 you gotta turn around.

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

Why was the leper caught speeding?

Because he couldn't take his foot off the accelerator.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?

At a scallop.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

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A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

A man was speeding, when a cop noticed him.

The man saw the cop and tried going faster. The cops chased him, he sped up even more, the cop stayed on him.



The man finally got his car going as fast as his car would go and the cop still stayed on his tail, so he pulled over.



The cop walks up to his and tells the guy...

I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

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A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,

"What's your name son"?

He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?

The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

A taxi driver swerved around a corner at high speeds. “Just a bad turn” I think.

A little while goes by and I feel the g-forces of another fast turn. I look at the road ahead and think “hmmm no hazards”. Looking ahead I notice another turn and brace myself. After getting slammed into the door I speak up and say “dude can you go slower around the corners or something” he responds...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

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Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding..

The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pl...

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The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $1,80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Litt...

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A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop says: "You were going 55 mph in a 30 zone"

The man says: "Sorry sir, but i'm late for work."

Cop asks: "What kind of work do you do?"

Man replies: "I work in a penis enlargment factory."

Cop asks: "Really? How does that work?"

Man: You just stretch out a c...

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What's the last thing to pass through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a speeding car?

It's ass.

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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

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Reese and his girlfriend get pulled over for speeding

Reese: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone
Reese: No, I was only going 65
Reese's girlfriend: Oh Reese, you were going at least 80
Reese: \*glares at his girlfriend\*
Cop: I'm also writing you a ticked for your broken taillight
Reese...

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do?

Get off the carousel!

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My friend said, "LOL. Every girl I've been with can deep throat."

And with great speed, my other friend retorted, "That's because you have a small dick Phil".

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

3 Drunk Men Entered A Taxi

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver noticed that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again, without actually moving the car at all. Then, he said "We have reached your destination.". The first guy handed him the money, while the second guy said "Thank you.". The t...

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

Some people use speed to slim down fast.

I prefer diet coke.

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

A policeman pulled over two priests in a blue SUV for speeding

When the officer was writing them a ticket, his radio buzzed, "We are looking for two child molesters in a blue SUV. I repeat, we are looking for two child molesters, in a blue SUV."

The priests locked eyes for 10 seconds until one finally piped up, "We'll do it."

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So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

Lada breaks down on the autobahn...

... Driver gets out only to see someone pull up in a Porsche Cayenne. Cayenne driver asks him does he need a tow. Lada driver replies with a "Yes. I will turn my right blinker on to tell you that you are going too fast." After a few hundred meters, a person in a Lamborghini Urus speeds by.

Po...

Pope visits the Netherlands

Originally a german joke so please forgive me if something wasn't that correct

So the Pope went to visit the Netherlands. Everything went great and on the day of his return, a stretch limo arrived to drive him back. The pope sat down and let the driver do his job. After a while the Pope got ...

I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia.

The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."

(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

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A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.

Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars in...

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Caught speeding

Cop pulls over a man for speeding, says "I clocked you doing 60 in a 25. Wanna tell me why you were speeding?"

Guy says, "Yeah, I was trying to get home real quick so I could shoot up this heroin from my glove compartment. But before that I gotta get rid of the gun in the back seat, and the d...

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

Why can I hear a BMW honking at me *before* the light turns green?

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

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A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

What Did He Say?

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. Selma was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

Morty yel...

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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The Magic Wand.

A man and a woman lived in the outskirts of a city. The man was a famous magician who would often go on tours to various cities. This time the tour was longer than usual.

The man and his wife had a very strange but a meaningful relationship. Being very paranoid, the man made his wife promise...

What is one thing you can ask both Jack the Ripper and a man who is speed dating?

'What do you look for in a woman??

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Pete...

Blonde gets stopped by the Police for speeding.

Officer: Lady, I have stopped you for speeding, you were going 45 miles per hour in a 30 zone.

Blonde: That is impossible, I have not even been out an hour.

Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her...

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The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

This joke was stolen from Ronald Reagan. And it’s good.

One day, an order went out to the police departments in the Soviet Union that anyone caught speeding, anyone, no matter who, gets a ticket. One day, the General Secretary was late leaving his country home to get to Moscow. He runs up to his limousine and tells the driver to get in the back, and that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.


The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before ge...

A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

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Speeding Blonde Driver

There's a blonde driving down the highway and going about 20 over the speed limit. She soon passes by a police car parked along the highway. The police officer, of course, takes off and pull the blonde over.

The police officer is also blonde...

The police officer walks up to the blonde...

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

Say what you want about Epstein...

But he *always* obeyed the speed limits in school zones.

A man was driving home late one afternoon......

He was driving above the speed limit, when a police car suddenly came up in his rearview mirror sirens blaring. The man thought he would outpace it, so he pushed the accelerator to the floor and raced on. The two cars raced for some time, the speed rising to sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, then the ...

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

A buddha puts a hotdog stand and gets a customer...

"I want one with everything!" says the guy to the solemn looking monk. With ceremonious presicion and speed the guy virtually assembles the hot dog with all the sauces, condiments and extras in mid air.

Within seconds he hands the hotdog to the baffled guy. "That'll be 5 dollars sir."
...

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asks: What is faster?

Teacher: What is faster? The speed of lightning? Or the speed of light?

Johnny! Do you know the answer?

Johnny: Diarrhea, ma'am!

Teacher: What? What are you talking about?

Johnny: Diarrhea is faster, ma'am.

Teacher: And why do you say such nonsense?

Johnny: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

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