A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I hear Rabbis perform circumcisions free of charge.

They make up for it by getting to keep the tips.

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

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A man is paying for sex with the lovely woman on the corner and asks how much she charges.

She replies "10 dollars to strip slowly and teasingly and 20 dollars to remove my clothes as fast as I possibly can to get down to business".

The man responds "20 dollars?! That's a rip off!"

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge

If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion.

I got a new phone free of charge from apple!

It took over an hour to charge!

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

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My phone always want to become the president whenever I forget to charge it overnight

Power hungry bastard

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Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

Money-Minded Lawyer

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "Sir, may I know how much you charge for a case or lawsuit?"

"A hundred dollars for every 3 questions," said the lawyer.

"What the heck? Isn't that really expensive?" the man asked.

"Yes, and what is your 3rd question?" the lawyer r...

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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.

"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.

"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."

"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98...

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

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Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

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With all the sexual impropriety charges happening recently...

I have my hand sign a consent form before I masturbate.

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

A man with a lisp is arrested on drug charges

When his family asks what happened he responds:

"I gueth I really methed up"

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...

But this time it hits something.

The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.

Curiosity killed a cat

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

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One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

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6ix9ine arrested on racketeering charges

In the courtroom the judge asks, "How does 8 - 10 years sound?"

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

"Sexy", 6ix9ine repli...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

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My parents are gone for the weekend so I was in charge of cleaning up after my dogs and sifting through the litter box...

To say the least, I’m done with their shit

In chemistry different kinds of solutions can have different charges but do you khat kind of solution has a charge of -6 million?

The final solution

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

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The local prostitutes charge 50 euros for a hand job.

I'm saving a fortune by doing it myself.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Offer: Giving all my batteries away.

- Free of charge.

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

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Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

What do you call a seal with a non-neutral charge

Sealion

A man get sent to jail on a high charge

With his one phone call, he calls his brother, who is a high up there politician.
He says to his brother "Listen, I know you can get me out of this, I know you have a way of dealing with these things."
The brother replies "Well... maybe if you ask me enough, I'll see what I can do."
The man...

Two guys got arrested last night...

One for eating car batteries, one for eating Fireworks.

One got Charged the other got let off.

A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “Two thousand dollars.”

“That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans

It was soda pressing

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

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Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

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R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

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If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities....

....then who is in charge of a country?

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Today the Energizer bunny was arrested by the police. The charge?

Battery.

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

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If EA was a female prostitute, she would charge you $80 to come over

Then show up wearing 50 dresses and charge you for each one that you take off

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

What do you call an atom with a negative charge?

An ion

I'm going to see a show on about dead batteries

Why, you ask?

Because its free of charge!

The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

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