Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

Did you hear about that tattoo parlor that charges its patrons by letting the owner cop a feel?

It’s called Tit-For-Tat

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

Turbo-charged motorised stairways

Wow, that escalated quickly!

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

I hear Rabbis perform circumcisions free of charge.

They make up for it by getting to keep the tips.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Why was the angry golfer so upset to be charged with assault?

They claimed he hit the victim 6 times, not 4.

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

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A man is paying for sex with the lovely woman on the corner and asks how much she charges.

She replies "10 dollars to strip slowly and teasingly and 20 dollars to remove my clothes as fast as I possibly can to get down to business".

The man responds "20 dollars?! That's a rip off!"

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge

If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion.

I got a new phone free of charge from apple!

It took over an hour to charge!

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Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

A judge who quit after dismissing a ton of charges decided to give it another try.

Nobody likes acquiter.

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

Childhood, blink and you'll miss it.

Felt just like yesterday that I was running after other kids in the playground.... before you know it, I'm being arrested and charged as an adult.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

I asked my Rabbi if he charged for his Circumcision.

He told me no he just keeps the tips.

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TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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My phone always want to become the president whenever I forget to charge it overnight

Power hungry bastard

An unborn child was charged with a crime it didn't commit and sentenced to death

Both sides argued it was a miscarriage of justice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a 2 and a 9?

A sexual harassment charge

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're ...

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.

"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.

"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."

"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98...

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack

Has been bailed

A neutron walks into a bar

And asks bartender "how much for the beer?" And the bartender says "no charge"

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

The Energizer-Bunny was arrested recently...

...It was Charged with Battery.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

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With all the sexual impropriety charges happening recently...

I have my hand sign a consent form before I masturbate.

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

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[NSFW]The legend of the King sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today...

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Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Keanu Reeves was charged in court today

for causing breathing difficulties to people around him

A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection

The judge spoke saying "first offender" when the women chimed in saying "no, first a Gibson,then a Fender"

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

What did the charged electron say to the other protons?

I got my Ion you

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

What do me and the Energizer Bunny have in common?

We've both been charged with battery.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

I can’t believe I got charged with impersonating a politician

I stood around and did nothing

Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!”

Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

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Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

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If you think your job is awful...

...Just remember that somewhere in Bavaria, Germany, there is some miserable bastard in charge of putting turn signals in BMWs.

As electricians we are always amped for the day.

We bolt out of bed, shocked as always with how much we charge you.

A guy was arrested and charged by the police for killing a number of vampires.

Yeah, they've got him on three counts.

I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

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My husband and I both lost our jobs.

We were desperate for a way to make money so I brought up the idea of being a prostitute. He was ok with it as long as he was able to be close by for safety.
I was on the street corner when a car pulled up and a man asked what it would cost to fuck? I had no idea so I excused myself and ran ove...

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

Abusive Flashlight

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight?
He was charged with battery

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is your secret

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, wh...

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

Did you guys hear about the couple who got the cops called on them at Walmart?

Apparently the girl was eating batteries and the guy was jacking off. When the cops got there, the girl was charged but the guy got off.

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

Two Atoms

Two atoms are walking down the sidewalk. One says, "I think I lost a neutron!" and the other says, "Don't worry! You can get another one free of charge!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

A house was charged with murder...

Personally I think it was framed.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay...

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