Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.

"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.

"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."

"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98...

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

Why did the pimp put his hoe in charge of his money?

It’s the thot that counts.

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...

But this time it hits something.

The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.

Curiosity killed a cat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

A man with a lisp is arrested on drug charges

When his family asks what happened he responds:

"I gueth I really methed up"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said im a pussymagnet

For some reason all the girls have the same charge as me🤔

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

Offer: Giving all my batteries away.

- Free of charge.

Heard those hikers got out of the mine but are facing charges

Very *minor* charges

In chemistry different kinds of solutions can have different charges but do you khat kind of solution has a charge of -6 million?

The final solution

Two guys got arrested last night...

One for eating car batteries, one for eating Fireworks.

One got Charged the other got let off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A barman charges people based on how tragic their backstory is. One day, Batman, Wolverine and Rorshach come in, expecting to be given free drinks.

“Alright,” says the barman to Batman, “what’s your backstory?”

“I saw my parents murdered right in front of me as a child.”

The barman nods, and charges Batman ten bucks, as a lot of people have a tragic backstory where their parents died.

Next up, Wolverine.

“When I was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

6ix9ine arrested on racketeering charges

In the courtroom the judge asks, "How does 8 - 10 years sound?"

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

"Sexy", 6ix9ine repli...

The local prostitutes charge 50 euros for a hand job.

I'm saving a fortune by doing it myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

A man get sent to jail on a high charge

With his one phone call, he calls his brother, who is a high up there politician.
He says to his brother "Listen, I know you can get me out of this, I know you have a way of dealing with these things."
The brother replies "Well... maybe if you ask me enough, I'll see what I can do."
The man...

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

What do you call a seal with a non-neutral charge

Sealion

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents are gone for the weekend so I was in charge of cleaning up after my dogs and sifting through the litter box...

To say the least, I’m done with their shit

A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “Two thousand dollars.”

“That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities....

....then who is in charge of a country?

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans

It was soda pressing

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Today the Energizer bunny was arrested by the police. The charge?

Battery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

I'm going to see a show on about dead batteries

Why, you ask?

Because its free of charge!

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

What do you call an atom with a negative charge?

An ion

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

An old lady treats herself.

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel...

I have a PS2 that charges itself

I'm not sure how it works, but my Sun takes care of it.

If EA was a female prostitute, she would charge you $80 to come over

Then show up wearing 50 dresses and charge you for each one that you take off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Who's in charge in the land of geometry?

The rulers.

Hospitals charge you quite a lot if you've been bitten by a shark

Usually ends up costing an arm AND a leg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the easiest way to charge someone 3 grand?

Press their Life Alert button

The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

What if a neutron enters a bar?

A neutron enters a bar and orders a drink.

The Bartender hands over the drink and says for you, no charge.

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got arrested in Clarksville for accidentally killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder

The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are assholes always in charge?

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ghost was arrested on charges of scaring a family to death.

Ghost: “I promise I didn’t do it officer. I’ll cooperate 100%.”

Officer: “You need to be completely transparent with us.”

...

Officer: “Shit. Where’d he go?”

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Valve should be in charge of the UN...

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.