UPJOKE
accuseimpeachaccusationburdenrushblamerechargetaxunderchargecounterchargecriminateincriminatepointloadindictment

Charge Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

Elon Announces X will charge Users $1 A Year

So Elon Musk has announced that X will charge users $1 a year. Certain people are in an uproar. What's the big deal? I'm paying my ex $898 a month.

I do apologize for the terrible joke, but Elon handed us all puns on a silver platter.

How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck-an-ear.

A man enters a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
The man replies, “That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

How much a pirate charge for piercings?

A buccaneer.

(Although if you ask me, that's two deer)

What do you need if you're facing a RICO charge?

A "suave" defense! (For those old enough to understand).

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

A trainer at SeaWorld was in charge of keeping the dolphins healthy.

He would feed them, give them medical attention, make sure they were in good spirits. But he knew that the dolphins eventually were going to die. Well, he couldn't have that. After researching for days to no avail, he found an article written by a disgraced marine biologist about how dolphins could ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Attorney do for his client that was charged with Public Masturbation?

He got him off.

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

How much did the Fiddler on the Roof charge for a performance?

Nothing. It was on the house.

What did the pirate charge for a corn on the cob?

A buck an ear

Valve should be in charge of the UN

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

You know you're no longer in charge of your house....

....when the dog decides what time you wake up.

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

I was charged $200 just to see a doctor

And I don't even get to keep the binoculars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the masturbating spy charged with?

Dissemenating information

Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?

Yellow?

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

What did the Sheriff yell to the Deputy after Barbie payed the bail for her boyfriends drug possession charges?

>!"RELEASE THE CRACK-KEN!"!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities....

....then who is in charge of a country?

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Have to charge you 25 dollars

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of ...

Politically charged joke. Knock Knock

Who's there?


Putin.


Putin who?


Putin a doorbell I'm tired of knocking.

While on vacation, the warden of a supermax prison gets a phone call from the subordinate he left in charge, who has good news and bad news.

*"The good news is one of the serial killers we had serving multiple life sentences escaped."*

"How is *that* good news??"

*"Well after breaking out he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase that ended when he wrapped the car around a tree at 120 miles an hour. He was killed ...

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

Why didn't Genghis Khan's army move when he said "Charge"?

Because none of them understand English.

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

Why did the priest not charge for doing circumcision's?

He got to keep the tips.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

Why can you charge your phone with a bee from America?

Because it's a USB

I made my own identical copy of Disney Land and only charge visitors a quarter of what Disney does.

It’s more fun than it has any rights to be.

The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.

That wasn’t cool.

Does anybody know how to charge their milk?

Mine is stuck at 1%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mexican prostitute that doesn't charge?

Frijoles

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

What did Black Beard's Otolaryngologist charge for his services?

A Buccaneer!

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy ...

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money

because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

because yoda was in charge of the jokes

why was the punchline in the title

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

Who is in charge of the dinosaur mafia?

The iguanodon.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink

The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

What was the robot charged with?

Battery

Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are assholes always in charge?

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.