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Charge Jokes

A man visits a lawyer and asks “How much do you charge for legal advice?”

The lawyer says “I’ll answer three questions for $500.”

The man says “Don’t you think that’s rather expensive?”

The lawyer says “Yes. What’s your third question?”

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

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A hospital volunteer runs to the charge nurse's desk and exclaims: "Oh my god, two of the terminally ill cancer patients are trying to have sex! What should we do!"

The charge nurse, flabbergasted, replies: "is this some kind of sick fucking joke!?"

I made my own identical copy of Disney Land and only charge visitors a quarter of what Disney does.

It’s more fun than it has any rights to be.

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

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Cost of mis-communication

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for ...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

I was charged $200 just to see a doctor

And I don't even get to keep the binoculars

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

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What was the masturbating spy charged with?

Dissemenating information

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

How much did the Fiddler on the Roof charge for a performance?

Nothing. It was on the house.

The local florist charges $100 for a big Christmas wreath. Here's how they justify that price:

"A wreath, a Franklin."

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Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

A 79-year-old man is in court on the charge of flashing

He's is convicted, and as he is getting his punishment, the judge has some words for him.

Judge: I'm surprised and frankly disgusted at you for doing this, however, I feel sad that a man of your age is still behaving so immaturely. I hope this fine makes you consider your actions and that y...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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A man is in court facing bestiality charges

The judge says to him, "I can't believe you have sex with dogs, this is disgusting, it upset the dogs, their owners. Honestly, how low can you go?"

The guy says, "probably a chihuahua."

Did you hear that the Energizer bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

What did the pirate charge for a corn on the cob?

A buck an ear

I was arrested for smoking a bunch of weed and plucking my eyebrows.

They charged me with high tweezin'

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Woman arrested on false charges for putting a finger up her asshole.

Normally the police wouldn't have been interested, but once her asshole had told the other assholes down at the precinct the cronyism took over.

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I have a quantum mechanic...

He both repairs and doesn't repair my car at the same time, and I can never be certain of what the charge will be.

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A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

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Guy gets hired as a salesman at a huge big box store...

....the type of store that sells everything.

At the end of the first month he is top salesperson, and the boss calls him in for a chat.

"You're amazing" says his grateful boss, "your first month on the job and you're top salesperson already! Not sure how you do it, for example just the...

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

Why did the phone go to jail?

It was charged with battery

An old woman was arrested at the airport today on drug smuggling charges

Customs officials searched her underwear and found a kilo of crack.

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, They just blame the other party because the bulb worked when they were in charge.

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

A neutron flies into a bar

The bartender says,
"No charge."

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

You know you're no longer in charge of your house....

....when the dog decides what time you wake up.

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U.S. news......

In U.S. news, a Woman tries to cut of her lovers penis but instead she missed and cut his thigh.



She is currently being charged with a misdaweiner.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.


They charged one, and let the other one off.

Would you like a dead battery?

They're free of charge!

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

“You are what you eat”

Cannibal defends himself against identity theft charges

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Went to Switzerland and I had such a delightful time. Only issue was, I paid $100 for a cup of coffee and a blowjob

What kind of absurd country charges $98 dollars for a cup of coffee?

The atomic restaurant.

All the hungry atoms come to the Atomic Restaurant. The neutrons are free of charge.

The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.

That wasn’t cool.

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What would you call Putin if he was in charge of Idaho?

A dick-tater

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Valve should be in charge of the UN

It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.

I'm trying to sell some batteries with 25% of juice in them.

Very low charge.

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

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Grandpa storie

Gramps: "Once on safari in Africa, we were charged by a rutting Rhino, and I crapped my pants"

Kid: "I would have too Grandpa"

Gramps: "No boy, I *just now* crapped my pants.."

Did you here about the 65-year-old woman who robbed banks with her mother?

Well they got caught.

She was charged with Grand Larceny.

Her mother was charged with Great-Grand Larceny.

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

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Bambi

As soon as Harry and his wife entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt walked up to Harry and became very friendly.

Harry brushed her off.

Harriet quickly objected,

\- "Harry, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
...

I went to see a psychiatrist today..

Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,

Three Questions

Guy goes to a lawyer. "I've got some trouble. What is your lowest rate?"
"I'll answer three questions for $100."
"That's nuts! How can you charge that?"
"Quite easily, sir. Now, what is your third and final question?"

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Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

I tried to eat dairy free for a month, but it only worked at my Mom's house.

Everywhere else, they charge for it.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $2500 for it.

(Please not this is the new 2023 edition of an older joke which used to be a bit sheeper)

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

**They gave me another one free of charge.**

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?

Yellow?

Trial

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the t...

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

Politically charged joke. Knock Knock

Who's there?


Putin.


Putin who?


Putin a doorbell I'm tired of knocking.

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

The hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but ...

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

Ever wonder why stores always charge $$.99

It's because charging a whole dollar amount wouldn't make cents.

Did you hear about the insomniac the police detained?

They were charged with resisting a rest.

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Why can you charge your phone with a bee from America?

Because it's a USB

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

Why didn't Genghis Khan's army move when he said "Charge"?

Because none of them understand English.

My local petrol station has newly introduced a 30p charge to use the air to pump up my car tyres

Well I guess that's inflation for you.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Who should a man marry?

The answer should be obvious.

If a man marries a woman, he will have to buy her shoes and clothes for the rest of his life.
But if he marries a man, he will double his wardrobe at no charge.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

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