This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Vladimir was a good leader, so he was putin charge.

Idk if this has already been made.

Whenever I say I'm going to charge my phone, my mam says: "With what? Murder?!"

When will she accept it didn't cause the accident

What do you call the monk in charge of lighting in the monastery?

The Gregorian candler.

Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city?

He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven.

After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous oce...

Why did the priest not charge for doing circumcision's?

He got to keep the tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Have to charge you 25 dollars

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

The W.H.O. have just put an eminent German Doctor in charge of their pandemic response..

He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

How much does a pirate charge to pierce your ear?

A buccaneer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charged up the tesla last night

Just the name we gave my partners sex toy to make us sound rich

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

Remember when getting air at a gas station was free? Now they charge you anywhere from a quarter to a dollar!

I guess that's the cost of inflation for you.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning

That wasn't cool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

I'm giving away dead batteries.

Free of charge.

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifid, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




‟May I help you sir?” she asked.




The man replied,


‟I wan to see Valerie.”




‟S...

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish Prostitute

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening ...

A Photon and an Ion went to the airport

A photon and an ion went to the airport. When they got there, the other
passengers were surprised to see the ion handed his ticket without
paying, and the photon get waved through security. "What gives?" an
irate passenger asked. "Why does the photon get to go through
security?" "Oh," sa...

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

It”s morning somewhere

Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Co...

Say what you will about Trump

But it was pretty nice of him to air such a long ad for Biden free of charge

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...

He was charged for resisting a rest.

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hired a prostitute who charges $10,000 per hour.

The total bill came to $40.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

There are 6.24x10^18 elementary charges in a Coulomb

But only 2x12 high school charges in a Coulombine

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there's plenty fish in the sea

He's since been charged with beastiality.

Painting job

A Sardar recently arrived in the US

and wanting to earn some money, decides to become a ‘handy-man’ and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to ...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jacque and Pierre want to become American citizens

So they go to the consulate and they’re told to go into the service and after they come out they’ll be granted citizenship.

So Jacque goes into the paratroopers and Pierre goes into the infantry. About 6 months later after boot camp they meet up with each other.

Jacque says to Pierre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bullfrog (NSFW)

A man went into a porno-shop on day, looking for something to spice up his sex life.

He asked the teller "what would you suggest?"

The teller replied "since i don't know much about your situation, I do have one thing that may help"

The man reluctantly replied "what would that ...

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] A patient visits the doctor and is worried to talk about his illness.....

He feels shy to talk about his slim penis.......

Doc: "Dont be worried, what's wrong with you?"

Patient: "I am embarrassed to say. You may look at my thin penis and laugh."

Doc: "Dont be worried. if I laugh, I will only take half my fees."

Patient removes his pants and sh...

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

Fat-free French fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

...

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure?

The Sturgeon General

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

A cowhand rides into town and sees a "Help Wanted" poster outside the saloon.

"Man wanted for general farm duties," he reads. "Must be strong, capable, experienced in animal handling and willing to learn. Apply to Widow Sallet, Sallet Farm, two miles east of town."

So he goes along to the farm, as it sounds like steady work and he's tired of living hand to mouth, and f...

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Why should you never kill someone at the circus?

Because you'll be charged with murder within tent...

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

I think EA should be in charge of handling the corona outbreak..

They already erased one Pandemic successfully.

A man killed his lifelong friend

He was charged with homiecide

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What math equation has been charged with sex offenses?

cos(B)

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

What charges can you expect when you mix sodium chloride and lithium ion?

A salt and battery charges.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

What's the only difference between the US and the movie Idiocracy?

They put the smart one in charge in the movie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an extreme phobia of spending money. My doctor recommends a therapist...

But have you seen how much they charge?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.