This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

What do you call an autobody shop that charges extra money for mystery parts?

"Surprise mechanics".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.

"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.

"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."

"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the sexual impropriety charges happening recently...

I have my hand sign a consent form before I masturbate.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.

That sentence was way too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Why did the pimp put his hoe in charge of his money?

It’s the thot that counts.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A man with a lisp is arrested on drug charges

When his family asks what happened he responds:

"I gueth I really methed up"

Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Robert Kraft only pay prostitutes $499.75 even though they charge $500?

He refuses to play without a quarter back

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6ix9ine arrested on racketeering charges

In the courtroom the judge asks, "How does 8 - 10 years sound?"

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

"Sexy", 6ix9ine repli...

Offer: Giving all my batteries away.

- Free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barman charges people based on how tragic their backstory is. One day, Batman, Wolverine and Rorshach come in, expecting to be given free drinks.

“Alright,” says the barman to Batman, “what’s your backstory?”

“I saw my parents murdered right in front of me as a child.”

The barman nods, and charges Batman ten bucks, as a lot of people have a tragic backstory where their parents died.

Next up, Wolverine.

“When I was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

On Mars, the rover begins a new day by opening its solar panel to charge up when there's sunlight...

But this time it hits something.

The scientists are puzzled. There was nothing there when it last went to sleep. Anxious, they use the last of its energy turning its camera around. It was an Earth feline.

Curiosity killed a cat

In chemistry different kinds of solutions can have different charges but do you khat kind of solution has a charge of -6 million?

The final solution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents are gone for the weekend so I was in charge of cleaning up after my dogs and sifting through the litter box...

To say the least, I’m done with their shit

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local prostitutes charge 50 euros for a hand job.

I'm saving a fortune by doing it myself.

Two guys got arrested last night...

One for eating car batteries, one for eating Fireworks.

One got Charged the other got let off.

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

A man get sent to jail on a high charge

With his one phone call, he calls his brother, who is a high up there politician.
He says to his brother "Listen, I know you can get me out of this, I know you have a way of dealing with these things."
The brother replies "Well... maybe if you ask me enough, I'll see what I can do."
The man...

What do you call a seal with a non-neutral charge

Sealion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities....

....then who is in charge of a country?

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans

It was soda pressing

A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “Two thousand dollars.”

“That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

I'm going to see a show on about dead batteries

Why, you ask?

Because its free of charge!

What do you call an atom with a negative charge?

An ion

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If EA was a female prostitute, she would charge you $80 to come over

Then show up wearing 50 dresses and charge you for each one that you take off

Hospitals charge you quite a lot if you've been bitten by a shark

Usually ends up costing an arm AND a leg.

An old lady treats herself.

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel...

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

I have a PS2 that charges itself

I'm not sure how it works, but my Sun takes care of it.

Who's in charge in the land of geometry?

The rulers.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the easiest way to charge someone 3 grand?

Press their Life Alert button

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder

The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.