UPJOKE
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position...

"So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn't track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the \*glances at watch\* next five minutes?"

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

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The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

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An engineer wents to a business trip

He doesn't want to leave his beautiful wife alone, so he builts a sex robot.

"Darling," he says, "This is Bob. Whenever you feel horny, say "Bob, come here!" and he'll fuck you really hard".

He leaves. Few days pass, the wife looks at Bob with a growing interest. Finally she says "Bob...

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands

They just don't want to

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Paddy goes to war with France..

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron rep...

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

So, I had a commanding officer from Australia

Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

A commander walks into a bar

And orders everyone around.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

A minister loses his wallet

He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try wh...

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

What is a succubus’s favourite keyboard command?

Ctlr+D

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

A private asks his commanding officer for a few days leave.

The private explains that his wife is going to have a baby. The commanding officer is very supportive, and approves the request.

The next week when the private returns the commanding officer asks, "So private, was it a boy or a girl."

"Don't be silly, sir," says the private. "It takes ...

What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero other is a command

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

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At the command

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,

"*Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a t...

A ship, sailing past an island, finds a man there who had become stranded alone years earlier. The commander disembarks to rescue the man and sees three huts.

"What's that first hut there?", he asks.
"Oh, that's my house", replies the castaway.
"What about that second hut there?"
"That's my church."
"And what about the third one over there?"
"That?", replies the man, disdainfully. "That's the church I used to go to."

How to differentiate between the branches of the US armed forces:

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment?

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

Red shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt! " The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and l...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, ...

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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

A man finds a magic lamp, and inside lurks a mischievous genie.

"What is your first wish?" the genie asks.

"My first wish? Well, I saw a really cool movie last weekend," the man began, "I would really love to be able to watch it again for the first time."

"Your wish is my command," the genie says, giving the man dementia.

"Now, what is your–...

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A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".

The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from y...

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

The commander of the confederate army didn’t going into great detail when he talked.

Generally speaking.

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

The camouflage test

\- **Soldier**: Hello commander Robert!

\-**Commander**: Hello! I didn't see you at the camouflage test...

\-**Soldier** :Thanks commander Robert!

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, rep...

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Russian soldier is standing naked in the shower looking at his watch furiously pressing the buttons

His comrade hears the beeping and comes to see what's up,

"What are you doing there naked blyat? There is no water in the building."

"Yesterday I looted this watch. There is English writing on it and I didn't know what it meant so I asked the commander."

"So?"

"He said ᵂ ...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

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The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

What is a yellow dot commanding soldiers?

A cornonel

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. Afte...

The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?

The Sioux chef

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

Fun fact: Cats can understand around 56 vocal commands.

They just choose to ignore all of them.

What did the commander say to his troops?

March 4th

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

What is it called when Barry Allen commandeers a car.

A Flash Drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" ...

Happy Command Day!

March forth.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say to his Commander?

“I said a GLASS OF JUICE! Not gas the Jews!”

New Command

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

There was a skinny bus conductor and a buff guy...

Whenever the buff guy traveled the bus and conductor came to him for the ticket, buff guy says I don't buy tickets.

The conductor always meekly went away.



One day the conductor got tired of this and joined the gym.

After some time he too got buff.



Next day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US special forces team is assembled in Afghanistan...

The team's objective is to try to extract as many transsexuals from Afghanistan as possible before the Taliban find them.

The leader of the team makes it clear to his commanding officer, that an auto mechanic will be crucial for the success of this operation.

When asked why a mechanic...

Women command respect and no one should ever say "you're such a b$&@#"...

instead try "you're not usually so b$&#@y!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] Inspector Gadget is sitting in his therapist's office, ranting...

“no, I actually love to be the center of attention, I love being able to say ‘go gadget rocket shoes’ and catch up to a car on foot, the super powers are great. It’s the tedium of life as a cybernetic man outside the spotlight that get to me. I’ve got four separate bowel systems to maintain and ever...

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