Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

I used to eat clocks but stopped to focus on other things

It was very time consuming.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to focus on my past anymore...

So if I owe you any money, I’m sorry.

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What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now I have a Ford Focus.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

Growing up I had ADHD. Terrible grades. Couldn’t focus.

Finally, my mom and dad sent me to a concentration camp.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Determination. Precision. Focus. Accuracy.

All attributes I have while shaving my pubes that I should really put into other aspects of my life.

Why do teachers from Las Vegas focus so much on Trigonometry?

Because it's sin city.

That is, if they actually taught you anything.

Scott Pruitt has resigned to focus more on his true passion..

Throwing uncut plastic soda rings into the ocean.

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good ...

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...

Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message?

Broken transmission.

What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called?

Chrysler Concentrate

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

Ford Focus

Sitting in traffic today waiting for the light to change. The car in front of us was a Ford Focus. I turned to my daughter and said.. if that driver opens her door and steps out of the car, does she get all blurry? Because if she did, wouldn't she be "out of Focus" ?

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

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Boobs are

Proof that men can focus on two things at once.

What kind of car is bad for a kid with ADD?

A Ford Focus

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A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.

They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"

They let their now-living oven back into the hous...

A doctor at the cancer center had a great idea.

She was absolutely sick of seeing discouraged patients coming in and out of rooms in pain. Some would walk through the halls with their family with tears in their eyes. She hated every time that she had to give bad news to a family and their loved one. It tore her up.

So she hatched a plan to...

Having technical issues with my new Canon 80HD. Anyone have a similar problem?

No matter what I do, it won't focus.

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the ...

An American soldier

is fighting in Germany in World War II. The battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. "Sarge, we're out of ammo! What are we going to do?" The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. ...

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

One day this old couple were at a carnival...

The man said to his wife:
“Honey, can we go on the helicopter ride?”
The wife says:”no, it says to be quiet so the pilot can focus, but you always shout. Even though, it says it’s $10 and I didn’t bring my money.”
The man keeps asking his wife until the pilot came up to them:
“Hey, I hea...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

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Off the grid in the Canadian wilderness

A man moves off the grid out into the remote Canadian wilderness. He buys a place where his nearest neighbor is 6 miles away over rough terrain with no road. He enjoys all of nature's beauty and especially the solitude.

After about 9 months of not seeing another human being, dead in the midd...

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

...
Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for di...

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A pianist is interviewing for a gig at a restaurant...

He sits at the piano and begins to play for the owner. Immediately, the owner is struck by the beauty of his playing and is practically moved to tears by the end...

“That was magnificent - I must know, what do you call this piece??” the owner asks.

The pianist replies, “This one’s an ...

A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles...

...over the appropriate response for a neighboring country expanding it's borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military traini...

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Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

I have ADHD.

It’s a struggle, and I can’t focus on anything for more than

A man is watching a baseball game in a crowded stadium

When suddenly he hears someone yell from behind him “HEEYY BOB!” So the man turns around, and scans the crowd behind him but doesn’t see where the call came from, so he continues watching the game.

Shortly after, he once again hears “HEEYYYYY BOB!!” So he turns around again, scanning the crow...

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A man sees a doctor about his premajure ejaculation problem

The doctor advises him that the next time he know's he'll be having sex, he should try masturbating a bit beforehand to relieve some of the pressure, allowing him to last longer.

Not long after the appointment, the man was at work when sure enough he started getting some very sexy texts from ...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

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3 men trying to get into heaven

The first guy goes up to St Peter.
"Peter can I get into heaven?"
He replies
"Have you been faithful to your wife?"
He says "yes yes of course! Every day of my life loved her til I died never looked at another woman once!"
St Peter says "that's great just what I wanted to hear. Here...

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

I'm against high school students...

Stay off the drugs and focus on your education!

Did you hear about the microbiologist who tore his pants?

He had to abandon his experimments to focus on some jean splicing.

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Whose gets to be the boss

The body parts are fighting over who gets to be the leader of the body. The legs speak up and say "we should be the boss because we are the strongest muscles and you couldn't go anywhere without us." The eyes respond, "we should be the boss because we see the world and without us, you wouldn't know ...

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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

I held a meditation class at a retirement home once...

At the end of the session, which consisted mostly of breathing exercises, I procured a small gong and a mallet. I told all of them to close their eyes and focus on the sound of the gong, and to raise their hand when they could no longer hear it.

Everyone closed their eyes, and I struck the go...

What do you call a waffle made in California?

A sandy Eggo.

I listen to Justin Bieber when working...

White noise helps me focus.

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could h...

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Three men survive a plane crash...

Three men survive a plane crash on what appears to be a deserted island. In short order however, they realize it's inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Surrounded by savages and all hope fading fast, one of the men pleas for the lives of him and his fellow survivors. The chief ponders his pleas and ul...

Not sure which is the harder part about being vegan

The discipline and focus it takes to eat that way, or the time and energy it takes to tell everyone you're a vegan.

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

A woman full of bruises goes to the doctor

Doctor: oh my God! What happened to you.

Woman: every time my husband gets home drunk he beats the hell out of me.

Doctor: oh I see, here take this lollipop, the next time your husband gets drunk, just take that lolipop out and start sucking it, don't think or say anything just focus o...

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A famous hypnotist is performing at a retirement home

A famous hypnotist is performing at a retirement home. He decides to try mass hypnosis.

He starts by telling everyone that it is a speacial day as he will be using a family heirloom, a pocket watch that is more than 200 years old. He asks the audience to focus on the watch as he swings it fro...

I just had a scoliosis correction surgery

When I woke up, the doctor said "well, now that we've got that all straightened out, we can focus on recovery"

I tried to start up a business as a Ford dealership

I lost my focus

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A bank robbery

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking....

A pessimist sees the glass half empty

An optometrist sees the glass in focus.

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A guy drives in an Italian countryside...

A guy drives in an Italian countryside, and at the turn of a corner he's stopped by a paesano with a shotgun, who gets him out of the car, and yells:
- You musta jack-off, now!
- What? But...
- You musta take your dick out and masturbate, right now or I'll shoot you!
So the guy ...

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I'm sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites: The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, t...

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

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Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results.

Anal Explorer
Anal Fiesta
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Fusion

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[Long] Tom was having increasingly bad headaches as he got older...

He was told by his doctor that he had an ailment that made his testicles press up against his spine, which caused him very painful headaches; more pain than he was able to endure. After many referrals, it was concluded that castration would be the only way to cure him. After his surgery, he was fr...

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Breakfast was a very late affair that day...

and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hungover from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him int...

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...

So a crow sits alone in a park...

A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, ...