My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

What’s the difference between a Ford Fiesta and a Ford Focus?

Adderall.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

If someone with great focus killed a president that happened to have ADHD, what would that person be called?

*A concentraitor*

And probably a political assassin by a jury of their peers.

*But concentraitor tho*

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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I can't wait for racism, homophobia, islamophobia, aracnophobia, misogyny and bigotry to end so we can start focusing on our real problem.

Those damned robosexuals!

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

What’s the name of Cardi B’s very much fitter gym focused sister?

Cardi O

“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

There are two types of people

People who can focus long enough to finish their joke

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

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I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods

But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

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I had an interview at a Disability Clinic...

After having a fantastic interview, the interviewer handed me a paper and told me to wait outside his office.

So, I’m pacing and reading this paper—because impulse—and I accidentally bumped into some random guy. He fell pretty hard to the ground. I said “Oh my gosh, I was so focused on readin...

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It's 2002 and Elon Musk is on stage

The entrepreneur prepares for the worst as he is about to reveal the name of his new space-focused company.

To his surprise, everyone seemed to show plenty of support and excitement at his announcement. "Wow!" He thinks to himself. "They actually really like the name 'Space Sex!'"

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Teacher: What's 4 + 5?

Marcus: I don't know

Teacher: You should focus on your studies

Marcus: Who's John?

Teacher: Who is John?

Marcus: You should focus on your wife

Dying In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor...
... noticed little Ronny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walk...

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

If I can't focus on my work because someone is rapping about me

then I've been diss track-ted

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

Why can't kids with ADD focus?

they don't have HD.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

Camera men always get their job done

They’re very good at focusing

Went to the gym today...had a bad experience...

I was just doing my usual routine ... which is just like 700 kilo pull downs and 780 Kilo squats and 1000 kilo shoulder presses...and then I got really annoyed because a chicken was running around the gym ....and then I went to the owner of the gym and I said “why is there a chicken in here?! I’m tr...

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What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

I used to eat clocks but stopped to focus on other things

It was very time consuming.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

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On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message?

Broken transmission.

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

What do you call a car concentrating on crossing a river?

Ford Focus

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...

Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

I have a lovely wife, good friends, and a respected family.

My friend wants me to leave all that and focus on my schizophrenia therapy.

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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The Joke

So there I was, right in the middle of this Wedding, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’ve been to many weddings before, but this particular one I will never forget...

As I closely paid attention to the soon to be man and wife, a joke that I heard the day before randomly crossed my mind. The ...

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

I've been trying to find somewhere less focused on 'me too" and more on "you too".

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for..

What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called?

Chrysler Concentrate

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

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Many people say they have ADD because they can't focus on their homework. It pisses me off.

See, I really have ADD, and

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

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Charles, the CEO of a large company, notices that one of his offices is staffed almost exclusively by women

Now Charles would like you know that he's not sexist; he loves women. Absolutely adores them. Respects the hell out of them too. However he is concerned that without a man to keep them focused the office's productivity will drop.

So he goes to the manager of this particular office, Jonas, who...

It appears that r/jokes only focuses on the current president, so George Bush jokes are too late.

But 9/11 jokes are too soon.

I need a new car, I can't seem to hang onto my Fords.

I always seem to lose my Focus.

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

I had a trig teacher that could never stay focused...

He always went off on a tangent.



I don't know for certain, but it could be a sine of something serious.

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

JFK wasn't a terribly focused president...

One convertible ride and his mind's all over the place.

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

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Why would a porn site that only focuses on flight attendants be really successful?

It only takes your left hand to type "stewardesses"

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

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I hate bullshit science

It only focuses on the mushrooms

Ford Focus

Sitting in traffic today waiting for the light to change. The car in front of us was a Ford Focus. I turned to my daughter and said.. if that driver opens her door and steps out of the car, does she get all blurry? Because if she did, wouldn't she be "out of Focus" ?

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.

He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture...

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Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

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An old one, but felt relevant today.

Little Johny is sitting by himself on the curb. He’s been there for hours only focused on one thing, until the local mailman walks up and says “hey Johny, whatcha doin?”
Johny says “mixin.”
Mailman says “whatcha mixin?”
Johny says
“Mud and shit”
Mailman says “whatcha making?”
Johny...

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

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