UPJOKE
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Focus Jokes

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I used to have a Ford Focus.

Then after I left a bunch of Tequila in the glove compartment it turned into a Ford Fiesta.

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

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How come all the old romances focus so much on anal? NSFW

The boy always gets the girl in the end.

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

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My girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to focus more on her work

Turns out she’s a sex worker.

I'm working on a show that focuses on the life of a gifted airplane captain.

Producers said that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

We optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic".

But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.

my friend told me I always focus on the least exciting parts while telling a story

I was so surprised by his words I almost took a wrong turn and screwed up our escape from the police

Ever heard of the bumblebee who couldn't focus?

He had ADHBee

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Ford Focus

Sitting in traffic today waiting for the light to change. The car in front of us was a Ford Focus. I turned to my daughter and said.. if that driver opens her door and steps out of the car, does she get all blurry? Because if she did, wouldn't she be "out of Focus" ?

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focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message?

Broken transmission.

I think my neighbour is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name. At least I think she was...

The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

Why can't kids with ADD focus?

they don't have HD.

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

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I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods

But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

If I can't focus on my work because someone is rapping about me

then I've been diss track-ted

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

I failed my photography exam.

I just couldn't focus.

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called?

Chrysler Concentrate

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

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I'm thinking of starting a business with focus on laxatives.

It just gets shit done.

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

Star Wars & Harry Potter fandoms go to war. Why do Star Wars fans focus on JK Rowling's social media?

They wanted to beat them on their own TERF.

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

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An American redneck man wakes up to beaming lights blinding his vision for a moment as his vision comes into focus...

He see's standing above him 3 alien like creatures hovering over him while one pokes him with a sharp object. He screams out in pain and says, "Why the hell did you do that!?" The alien apologizes in perfect English taking the man by surprise. He then proceeds to ask, "Are you gonna do that thing wh...

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...

Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

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What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

Two men are discussing habits.

The first man says, "Do you smoke?"

The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?"

The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?"

The second man says, "Only 20 each!"

"And how long have you been smoking?"

"A few years, why?"

"S...

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

I had a trig teacher that could never stay focused...

He always went off on a tangent.



I don't know for certain, but it could be a sine of something serious.

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I can't wait for racism, homophobia, islamophobia, aracnophobia, misogyny and bigotry to end so we can start focusing on our real problem.

Those damned robosexuals!

I've been trying to find somewhere less focused on 'me too" and more on "you too".

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for..

Growing up I had ADHD. Terrible grades. Couldn’t focus.

Finally, my mom and dad sent me to a concentration camp.

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Boobs

The ultimate proof men can focus on two things at once.

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Why would a porn site that only focuses on flight attendants be really successful?

It only takes your left hand to type "stewardesses"

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

It appears that r/jokes only focuses on the current president, so George Bush jokes are too late.

But 9/11 jokes are too soon.

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

I got a new job!

I got a new job and my boss told me to give it the old college try. So I focused on work for the first month, then began drinking heavily and eventually just stopped going.

JFK wasn't a terribly focused president...

One convertible ride and his mind's all over the place.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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Many people say they have ADD because they can't focus on their homework. It pisses me off.

See, I really have ADD, and

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

I'm currently working on a management oriented book focused on the delegation of tasks

"I'll have my secretary let you know when my intern finishes writing it." - Mr. Manager


Cordially,

Mrs. Team Lead

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

Jail importance

Why you should go in jail as an entrepreneur ?

- No cost of living
- gym and rehab park
- surrounded by hustlers
- taxes pay for you
- time off from family, gf , friends to focus on THE GRIND

Why ate pessimists so good at developing photos

Because they always focus on negatives

I had a ford Fiesta once, then I left my prescription of Adderall in the glove box overnight,

when I came out in the morning, I had a Ford Focus.

What kind of car did Mr. Miyagi drive?

Focus, Daniel-san

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

My friend betrayed me on the test when I asked him where the light rays parallel to the principle axis of a concave mirror meet

I mean, he did try to motivate me by shouting "Focus! Focus!", but that hardly helps.

Service?

I became confused when I heard the word"Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thoug...

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On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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How did Jada Smith get famous ?

She is a woman of focus, commitment and sheer fucking Will.

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

I got a bad grade in photography class

I had trouble focusing

Father's Dreams

son : Dad, do you have any dreams you want to accomplish?
dad : I gave up on my dreams years ago kiddo, but let's focus on yours
son : oh, but how many years ago exactly did you give up?

dad : well how old are you?

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

What kind of car is bad for a kid with ADD?

A Ford Focus

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?
Johnny: I don't know miss

Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies
Johnny: Please miss, can I ask a question?

Teacher: Yes
Johnny: Do u know Angela?

Teacher: No, Why?
Johnny: You need to focus more on your husband...

Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me ...

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

NSFW It was the late 19th Century and two women are preparing to get their photo taken.

The women get situated and the camera man walks behind the camera and puts the dark cloth over his head. Puzzled, one woman whispers to the other "Watcha think he's doin back there?"

"He's gonna focus." Replied the other.

Then, astonished, the first women said "Both of us!"

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