My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Ever heard of the bumblebee who couldn't focus?

He had ADHBee

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

What’s the difference between a Ford Fiesta and a Ford Focus?

Adderall.

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

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I can't wait for racism, homophobia, islamophobia, aracnophobia, misogyny and bigotry to end so we can start focusing on our real problem.

Those damned robosexuals!

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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A Man gets distracted while masturbating .

Success comes to those who focus with the task at hand.

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?
Johnny: I don't know miss

Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies
Johnny: Please miss, can I ask a question?

Teacher: Yes
Johnny: Do u know Angela?

Teacher: No, Why?
Johnny: You need to focus more on your husband...

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

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I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods

But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"

What’s the name of Cardi B’s very much fitter gym focused sister?

Cardi O

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

If I can't focus on my work because someone is rapping about me

then I've been diss track-ted

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

Why can't kids with ADD focus?

they don't have HD.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

What do the United States and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both focus too much on race.

What do you say to a guy who tells bad jokes about his overuse of depth of field focus techniques?

Bokeh Humor

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

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I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

i got a A on my midterm, then got testicular torsion and a C on the final

there was a vas deferens in my ability to focus

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

I used to eat clocks but stopped to focus on other things

It was very time consuming.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

There are two types of people

People who can focus long enough to finish their joke

Growing up I had ADHD. Terrible grades. Couldn’t focus.

Finally, my mom and dad sent me to a concentration camp.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...

Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message?

Broken transmission.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Determination. Precision. Focus. Accuracy.

All attributes I have while shaving my pubes that I should really put into other aspects of my life.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called?

Chrysler Concentrate

Dying In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor...
... noticed little Ronny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walk...

Teacher: What's 4 + 5?

Marcus: I don't know

Teacher: You should focus on your studies

Marcus: Who's John?

Teacher: Who is John?

Marcus: You should focus on your wife

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

It appears that r/jokes only focuses on the current president, so George Bush jokes are too late.

But 9/11 jokes are too soon.

I've been trying to find somewhere less focused on 'me too" and more on "you too".

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for..

I had a trig teacher that could never stay focused...

He always went off on a tangent.



I don't know for certain, but it could be a sine of something serious.

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would a porn site that only focuses on flight attendants be really successful?

It only takes your left hand to type "stewardesses"

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

Camera men always get their job done

They’re very good at focusing

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

Ford Focus

Sitting in traffic today waiting for the light to change. The car in front of us was a Ford Focus. I turned to my daughter and said.. if that driver opens her door and steps out of the car, does she get all blurry? Because if she did, wouldn't she be "out of Focus" ?

I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.

I don't want to talk about it.

...It's a sore subject.

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

JFK wasn't a terribly focused president...

One convertible ride and his mind's all over the place.

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

What do you call a car concentrating on crossing a river?

Ford Focus

A comedian dies and goes to heaven.

When he meets God, God says “Oh I see you were a comedian, how about a joke for us?” The comedian, who mainly focused on dark humor, decided to tell one of his classic Holocaust jokes. God looks annoyed by the joke and says “That wasn’t funny.”

So the comedian responds, “Well I guess you had...

I'm currently working on a management oriented book focused on the delegation of tasks

"I'll have my secretary let you know when my intern finishes writing it." - Mr. Manager


Cordially,

Mrs. Team Lead

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

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