“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people appear bright until they start talking.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

Not to sound racist, but....

...everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

If mixing up my Vs and Bs makes me sound Russian...

...then soviet

What sound did the 747 make when it landed?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

I find it really embarrassing when there's that really large splashing sound when you take a poo.

Of people trying to get out of the jacuzzi.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 🦜

A carrot.

I am having trouble sleeping. My head keeps on playing sounds of a luxurious car.

I think I am having Auditory hallucinations.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

What looks like a nut and sounds like a sneeze?

Cashew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does “Uranus” sound like?

Nothing. Sound doesn’t travel in the vacuum of space.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

317 days without sex...

went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sounds logical

A little boy is on the toilet with diarrhea. He tells his mom to give him some viagra. “ What on earth would you need viagra for?” says the mom. The little boy says,” isn’t that what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard?”

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

*Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound.*

Me: This is not my deodorant

There was once a friendly mute ghost, ironically named sound.

Sound was a very social ghost so he showed up to several seances, but every time he couldn’t talk to the people who had summoned him because he was mute, but he tried desperately to communicate anyways. He would slam doors and knock over lamps and turn on and off random appliances. After all of that...

What is louder than the sound of silence?

The Sound of Silence (Remastered)

What sounds do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch!"

What does an anime firetruck sound like?

owo owo owo owo owo owo owo

You ever heard the sound of a cricket on its last leg?

... no one has.

What sound do nuts make when they sneeze?

“Cash-ew”

;) *wink wonk* I dont know how I came up with that one

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do woman sound like they orgasm when playing tennis?

And why does my mother always play tennis in the bathroom?

What does a German Sheppard’s bark sound like?

“Voof”

What sounds does a micro cow make?

mu

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.

Boy: Who?

Suddenly I hear classical music coming from a grave, sounds like its being played backwards?

“Oh, that’s just Beethoven decomposing”.

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

If a tree falls in the forest and doesn't make a sound

that means my illegal logging is a success.

What sound does an injured turkey make?

Hobblehobblehobblehobble

What is the mathematical formula for the sound of a front door closing?

It's the base decibel level raised to the power of n. The exponent n represents the number of hours ago you told your wife you'd be home.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3 AM. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.

Taylor Swift sounds better on Azerbaijani radios

Because she never gets played

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

What sound does a wasp make when it hits your windshield?

A bee flat.

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

What does Optmius Prime's giggling sound like?

Like a vehicular man's laughter.

What sound is made by a piano thrown down mining shaft?

A flat miner.

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

My friend thinks that pronouncing words like a Russian makes him sound cool

I tried to tell him to stop, but he insists it’s funny.

If he wants to walk around everywhere sounding like an idiot, then soviet.

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does the donkey’s voice sound bad?

Because it’s a little hoarse.

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