This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob




Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

I don’t want to sound racist but...

Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me...

If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

(I'll get my coat).

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Light travels faster than sound

That’s why people appear bright before they speak.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?


A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3 AM. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.

What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my mum why do tennis players always sound like they are having an orgasm...

... and why does she play tennis in the bathroom

Taylor Swift sounds better on Azerbaijani radios

Because she never gets played

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

What does Optmius Prime's giggling sound like?

Like a vehicular man's laughter.

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

What sound is made by a piano thrown down mining shaft?

A flat miner.

My friend thinks that pronouncing words like a Russian makes him sound cool

I tried to tell him to stop, but he insists it’s funny.

If he wants to walk around everywhere sounding like an idiot, then soviet.

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

What sound does a wasp make when it hits your windshield?

A bee flat.

How does it sound when a guy in a kilt drives away?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was getting my sentence, the judged asked me ”How does 5 to 10 years sound?”

I really shouldn’t have responded ”Sexy as fuck”

What sound does a noodle make, when used as a whip?


There once was a guy with a fetish for loud sounds

he was hard at hearing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does the donkey’s voice sound bad?

Because it’s a little hoarse.

A woman goes to Doctor. Says '' Im farting so hard but there is no smell or sound of it. ''

The doctor gives her some medicine and tells her to come next week.

Woman comes next week.

Doctor asks how is it now and woman replies:

'' Now i fart hard and there is the sound but still there is no smell ''

and doctor replies:

'' Good, we fixed your ears, now all...

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"

"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

How many Mexican boys names are there that sound like numbers?

Just Juan

Just walked past an add on a window that said "TV for sale: 1$. Sound stuck at maximum"

I thought "I can't turn that down"

Two cheeses are walking through the woods when they hear a spooky sound. One cheese turns to the other and shouts...

Ricotta g-ouda here!!!

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty's correct

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Beautiful Sound [long]

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.


As the man tr...

Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

My Wife Gives Me 100%Sound Advice

99% Sound 1% Advice

What sound does Stalin make when he drinks?

Gulag Gulag Gulag Gulag

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

**boeing boeing boeing**

How was the first digital sound created?

Someone snapped their fingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What sound did the tree make when it fell down in the forest?

I don’t know I wasnt fucking there.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

What sounds a lot worse when said by a necrophiliac?

"Nice body"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know this will make me sound butthurt, but...

I hate gay jokes. They suck. They're too hard for me to get, and they're a pain in the ass.

I don't like the word 'single' when referring to myself, it sounds like I'm not enough...

...when in reality I'm all too much

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?


How do you organize a library of sound?

By using the Dewey Decibel system.

What is brass and sounds like Tom Jones?


I'm not sure why gentrification has such a negative connotation but being a pioneer sounds exciting and adventurous

It's still the same old story of a white guy moving somewhere other people already live to claim it as his own.

Do all the voices in a schizophrenics head sound the same...?

Asking for a... friend.

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

Was playing around on this computer, and it was making the most beautiful sound ever...

Must of been a dell.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

What sound does a street sweeper make?

broom broom

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.