{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

What sound does a 747 make when it has a bumpy landing?

Boeing

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer

And a Czech one too

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

What's red and sounds like a parrot?

A parrot.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

(One of my six year old favourite jokes)

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

What sound does a Hispanic catgirl makes?

Ña

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

I don’t want to sound racist....

...but everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Do you know what sound two 747’s make when the collide mid air?

Boeing!

What’s brown, and sounds like a bell?

DUNNNNNG!

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

I hate the sound of my washing machine.

Its so agitating!

Sound hearing,

It's like sight seeing, in a different sense.

What sound does an organic train make?

CH3COOH CH3COOH

Why is it not good to hear high pitched sounds?

It hertz

What sound does an odd duck make?

Quirk quirk

Sound was loud

I was on the bus the other day and I really needed to fart.

Luckily the music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat, and after a couple of songs I began to feel better.

As I left the bus though, I noticed everyone was starting at me in disgust.

That's when I remember...

What sound does a sneezing gargoyle make?

Stat-choo!

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If light travels faster than sound...

Why did the driver of the BMW behind me sound his horn before the traffic light turned green?

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

What sound would the 747 make when it accidentally crashes to the ground ?

booingg !!

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

How does an evil cows laughter sound like?

Muuhahaha

If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

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Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.

“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”

What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

What sound does the slingshot North Korean nuke make when it's launced?

Pyongyang

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

My farts don't sound or smell

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent."

"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, ta...

Years ago, the idea of "sitting at home staring at your phone" would have sounded sad and pathetic.

Now it just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

My, how times have changed.

What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?

uwuuuuu

If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think it depends on how loud its bark is.

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My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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I changed the ringtone for my Ex-wife to an old modem dialup sound

Nostalgic, brings great memories but Holy Hell I don't want that 52Kbps piece of shit back in my life.

I hate people who complain about hard vowel sounds.

They’re all a bunch of soft-e’s.

Colleague and I were discussing African country names and mentioned how Ghana sounds like a STD

He then said: only if you travel from Ghana-Rio. I lost it and coffee came out of my nose

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

What sound does an Australian cow make?

OOW

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

What sound does a funny creeper make?

Ba dum tissssss

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

What sound does a frog on r/aww make?

Reddit

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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When I was a kid, I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat" group because it sounded funny.

As an adult, it seems much less funny, but now I dare not quit it.

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[NSFW] Sounds better said in person

Man 1: Do your remember your first blowjob?

Man 2: Yeah

Man 1: What did it taste like?

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A man asked his friend: "What does 1000 Hz sound like?"

His friend rudely replied: "Fuck off."

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

I am a mean guy.

It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."

[insert phone ringing sounds]

Boss: why aren’t you picking it up?????

Me: I always answer on the 3rd call. Makes me cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP

Me: fine [picks up phone] 911, what’s you emergency?

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

The word asparagus is funny.



It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

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