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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

What sound does an organic train make?

CH3COOH CH3COOH

Why is it not good to hear high pitched sounds?

It hertz

What sound does an odd duck make?

Quirk quirk

I have a Polish sound engineer friend.

I also have a Czech one, too.

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phones rings

The man picks up, listens for a few seconds and says, "How the fuck would I know, you fucking idiot! I'm not a fucking weatherman fuck off."

The wife asks, "Who was that dear?"

Husband says, "Some fucker asking if the coast was clear."

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

How does an evil cows laughter sound like?

Muuhahaha

If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

What sound does the slingshot North Korean nuke make when it's launced?

Pyongyang

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

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A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

A fight breaks out between Xbox One and PS4 fans. Someone calls the cops. What sound does the siren make?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U!

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe.

What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

What sound was made when the airplane hit the trampoline?

Boeing

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

What sound does an Australian cow make?

OOW

Colleague and I were discussing African country names and mentioned how Ghana sounds like a STD

He then said: only if you travel from Ghana-Rio. I lost it and coffee came out of my nose

What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?

uwuuuuu

My farts don't sound or smell

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent."

"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, ta...

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I changed the ringtone for my Ex-wife to an old modem dialup sound

Nostalgic, brings great memories but Holy Hell I don't want that 52Kbps piece of shit back in my life.

If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think it depends on how loud its bark is.

What sound does an Egyptian goose make?

“Ankh ankh”

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

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[NSFW] Sounds better said in person

Man 1: Do your remember your first blowjob?

Man 2: Yeah

Man 1: What did it taste like?

I hate people who complain about hard vowel sounds.

They’re all a bunch of soft-e’s.

What sound does a frog on r/aww make?

Reddit

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A man asked his friend: "What does 1000 Hz sound like?"

His friend rudely replied: "Fuck off."

[insert phone ringing sounds]

Boss: why aren’t you picking it up?????

Me: I always answer on the 3rd call. Makes me cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP

Me: fine [picks up phone] 911, what’s you emergency?

If light does indeed travel faster than sound...

Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green?

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages...

For example, in Asia cats make a sizzling noise...

I don't want to sound like I'm showing off or something, but people put bricks through my windows...

...just so they can hear me practicing my saxophone louder.

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The woman in the porn sounded like a dying dog, then I turned of the sound...

Still it sounded like a dying dog. Then I remembered that I work for PETA and I never turned on the sound in first place.

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

What sound does a sheep, drum, and snake make when they hit the ground?

Baa Dum Tss

What do Janitors bikes sound like?

"Broom"

My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

What's the sound a nut makes when it sneezes?

Cashew!!

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

what sound do planes make as they bounce?

Boeing-Boeing-Boeing

Not to sound racist, but....

...everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

Did you know that Taco Bell names an item after the sound that you make after you eat it?

No, there isn’t a “mmmm”. It’s the chalupa.

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I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house.

"Bloody kids"

I find it really embarrassing when there's that really large splashing sound when you take a poo.

Of people trying to get out of the jacuzzi.

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

What makes the sound clippity clop bang clippity clop bang?

An Amish drive-by shooting

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

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