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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...


What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian,

Then Soviet

What is louder than the sound of silence?

The Sound of Silence (Remastered)

I don’t want to sound racist but...

Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me...

Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

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Why do woman sound like they orgasm when playing tennis?

And why does my mother always play tennis in the bathroom?

What does an anime firetruck sound like?

owo owo owo owo owo owo owo

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Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob




Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

Light is faster than sound

That explain why some people seems bright until the talk

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

What sound does an injured turkey make?


It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

What's brown and sounds like a parrot?

A ferret.

What sounds does a micro cow make?


Suddenly I hear classical music coming from a grave, sounds like its being played backwards?

“Oh, that’s just Beethoven decomposing”.

What is the mathematical formula for the sound of a front door closing?

It's the base decibel level raised to the power of n. The exponent n represents the number of hours ago you told your wife you'd be home.

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Calling the UK house of commons "The Chamber" makes it sound like a fucking torture room.

Which it kind of is I guess.

What us orange and sounds like a parrot?

'A carrot'

Re: Alan Davies.

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.

Boy: Who?

What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

Taylor Swift sounds better on Azerbaijani radios

Because she never gets played

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3 AM. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

(I'll get my coat).

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."


What does Optmius Prime's giggling sound like?

Like a vehicular man's laughter.

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Day 284 without sex...

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

What sound does a wasp make when it hits your windshield?

A bee flat.

What sound is made by a piano thrown down mining shaft?

A flat miner.

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

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Day 267 without sex..

I just took a run in flip flops to hear what it sounds like again.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty's correct

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

My friend thinks that pronouncing words like a Russian makes him sound cool

I tried to tell him to stop, but he insists it’s funny.

If he wants to walk around everywhere sounding like an idiot, then soviet.

How does it sound when a guy in a kilt drives away?


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When I was getting my sentence, the judged asked me ”How does 5 to 10 years sound?”

I really shouldn’t have responded ”Sexy as fuck”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does the donkey’s voice sound bad?

Because it’s a little hoarse.

What sound does a swiss axe make ?

Choc ! Choc ! Choc !

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

A woman goes to Doctor. Says '' Im farting so hard but there is no smell or sound of it. ''

The doctor gives her some medicine and tells her to come next week.

Woman comes next week.

Doctor asks how is it now and woman replies:

'' Now i fart hard and there is the sound but still there is no smell ''

and doctor replies:

'' Good, we fixed your ears, now all...

I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"

"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

How many Mexican boys names are there that sound like numbers?

Just Juan

Two cheeses are walking through the woods when they hear a spooky sound. One cheese turns to the other and shouts...

Ricotta g-ouda here!!!

Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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A Beautiful Sound [long]

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.


As the man tr...

What sound does Stalin make when he drinks?

Gulag Gulag Gulag Gulag

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

My Wife Gives Me 100%Sound Advice

99% Sound 1% Advice

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

**boeing boeing boeing**

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What sound did the tree make when it fell down in the forest?

I don’t know I wasnt fucking there.

How was the first digital sound created?

Someone snapped their fingers.

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I know this will make me sound butthurt, but...

I hate gay jokes. They suck. They're too hard for me to get, and they're a pain in the ass.

What sounds a lot worse when said by a necrophiliac?

"Nice body"

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?


I don't like the word 'single' when referring to myself, it sounds like I'm not enough...

...when in reality I'm all too much