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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Light travels faster than sound.

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

As weird as it may sound, I think I’m addicted to religion

I’m a real Cathoholic

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I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

"BOEING!"

What sound does a french cow make?

Moux

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

What’s the fish that makes this sound “ shhhhhhhhhhhhh” ?

The fried fish.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze ?

A Shoe.

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

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What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur?

ITS FUCKING RAW!

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Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God

More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.
“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

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I've just started working away from home and found I have a problem with flatulence sounding like a motorbike.

I visited the doctor and it turns out I have small growth just on the inside of my anus. "Is it serious?" I asked.

He replied "No no, just a case of abscess makes the fart go Honda".

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

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A man tells his friend, "I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl."

His friend asks, "Who?"

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician ...

I have a Czech one, too.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound russian

Then soviet

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

How do we know that a tree makes a sound if it falls in the forest?

Because it will dialogue.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

What sound marks the start of a hippie race?

A bong...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry?

He is just venting...

I don’t mean to sound racist...

But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

Greek tacos sound good for lunch.

Gyros in a half shell.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

A friend told me how to sound American

He said to drop the "u" and replace "s" with "z"

Iz thiz correct or iz thiz to hard to nderztand?

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

My new dryer was making this funny sound...

Then I put a sock in it.

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.

" It's not unusual", he replied.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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A guy is having sex for the first time and wants to sound experienced and wants to say something sexy.

The girl yells out “ I love how big you are.”

He yells out “I love how big you are too!”

Why does having a wife sound better than having a girlfriend?

Because it's got a nice ring to it

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

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Sure, joining the Mile High Club is great, but have you ever broken the sound barrier while sounding?

It seems tight at first, but then the cock pit widens.

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

Without a sound, my dad just farted...

He said it was silent but dadly

One day the teacher is asking students the sounds animals make

The teacher asks "what sound does chicken make.
Little Suzy says "cluck cluck cluck".
Teacher replies" good job now what sound does a cow make"
Little Johnny says "The sound a cow makes is 'Dont forget your homework for tomorrow'".

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I have a question. Is it for fuck's sake, or for fuck sake?

Like, should I put an apostrophe to show possessive? I guess the question would be, is it for the sake of all fucks, or just this fuck in particular?

Idk, so let me know because I'm at work trying to send an email, and I wanted to sound professional.

I found an LP of wasp noises. Played three tracks that sounded nothing like a wasp.

Silly me. I was playing the bee side.

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A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right bre...

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she is starting to sound like my wife.

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A dying mothers final wish

The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman tra...

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball

"Gagging sound"

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play all the notes wrong.

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A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

What's your favorite asian stereo type?

Personally, I love sony sound system with surround sound.

What sound does a box make?

Not "eeee urrrr" that's for sure

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