UPJOKE
noisevoicemusicvibrationultrasoundcompressiondrumaudiofathomairloudacousticsphoneearpsychoacoustics

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

I don’t want to sound racist…

..But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

boeing boeing boeing

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

What's the most beautiful sound on earth?

An accordion falling from an 8th story window and landing on a banjo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sound at the monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a ...

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

What sound does a mechanical frog make?

Rrrrrobot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please tell me your best animal sound joke!

My kid loves animal sound jokes, whats the best you got?

His favourite is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

This might sound so cheesy

but I think you are really grate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

What sound do Russian pigeons make?

Coo...

Coo...

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

What does a blonde at a blinking red light sound like?

Vroom!-Screech! Vroom!-Screech! Vroom-Screech!

What sound does a German Shepherd make?

Voof

How many concert sound guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

Two. Two.

Two Two. Two. Two.

Two.

Two.

Two. Two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate words that are spelled differently but sound the same!

I guess I'm homophonic!

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sound does a Horny Toad make?

RUBBIT

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the tabl...

Why does a marriage proposal always sound good?

Because it's got a nice ring to it.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

What sound does a witches vehicle make?

BROOM BROOM

Chuck Norris petted a lion but then there was a roar sound

The trainer said “get up very slowly and back up” so the lion did exactly that.

What sound does a Nintendo police car make?

Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic were camping, when they heard a rustling sound.

They looked behind them and saw a huge male grizzly bear jumping out at them from behind a bush. The two friends fled for their lives, and the bear chased them.

The lawyer escaped, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The lawyer watched in horror as his friend was swiped by the bear's mighty paw a...

I made this one up myself... What sound does a witch make when it speeds past you on the highway ?

BRVOOM BRVOOM!!!

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

what did the two Egyptian dude say when they had the same fart sound?

Hey bro we have a Tutankhamen!

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

Which STD is transmitted through sound?

Hearing aids

Did you hear about the burglar who could see sound?

He got caught, and now he has to face the music.

There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...

...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.

Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.

A duck and a dog have a baby together. The baby duck-dog was smaller than a proton. You know what sound it made?

Quark-quark!

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why...

...do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

Why did the orchestra sound so out of sync from each other?

They couldn’t band together

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female having 12 breasts sound strange !!

Dozen tit

Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming.

One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

Sounds legit

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself,but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no probl...

What sound do Mexican ducks make?

Guac, guac, guac.

What sound does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

My wife gives sound advice.

99% sound, 1% advice

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

What sound plays when you hit something with a pig?

*boink*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't mean to sound heterophobic

But straight men are fucking cunts and straight women are fucking dicks

I finally fixed that annoying sound in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

What sound do Yoda’s sheep make?

Dey go baa!

What's orange and sound like parrot.

Carrot

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

Gold chains sound like a Christmas gift you'd get for a really really good slave

-Someone who worked on Norm Macdonald Has a Show

What sound does a dog that's really into art make?

He doesn't bark. He bauhaus.

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

What sound does a tree make the deaf kid asks

It barks

Did you know they're renaming the Nantucket sound?

It's going to be called JFK Jr. Airport

A tree falls on a woman. Does it make a sound?

Idk. The better question is why is there a tree in the kitchen?

What do Star sheep sound like?

Degoba

My kid told me he broke the sound barrier on his bike today.

But it was just a mock mach joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sound does a Japanese poet make when they sneeze?

“Haiku!!”

What sound does a drinking egg make?

Yolk yolk yolk yolk

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.