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Directions Jokes

I asked where I could find the Professor of Directions.

His assistant said he was busy writing a book.

I said, "What is the book about?"

He said, "It's a book about the opposite of left."

I said, "That sounds about right."

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

My parents told me to leave the house because I didn’t know my directions

So I packed my things and right

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

What does the Mandalorian say when you ask him for directions?

"This is the way"

What about when you're uncertain if he's right?

"I have spoken"

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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

Bad With Directions

My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...


So I packed up my belongings and right.

A driver stops to ask a man for directions

"What's the fastest route to the city," she asks.

"I don't know," the man replies, "but last week I took road 42."

"And that went well?" asks the driver.

"I'd say so, yes."

The driver, happy with the answer, thanks the man and drives on.

A little while later, howev...

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I was sick of my wife always making fun of my crappy sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

My wife's terrible with directions

And I always make fun of her. But tonight I went too far. She got so mad, she packed all her things and right.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.

My wife never listens when I give directions

She left because I was right.

Why did Miss Muffet need directions?

She lost her Whey.

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I'm terrible with directions.

Fuck me, left?

I was arrested for being bad with directions, but I didn't incriminate myself.

I know my rights.

A blind tourist asks for directions...

A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.

He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"

The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "

The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and wal...

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A young couple traveling on wild west, decided to ask a cowboy for directions.

The cowboy was sitting in his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:

"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"

The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man pissed off, said:

"Who the fuck do you th...

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What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed

Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

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I had to ask my phone directions to the hospital.

It’s reply was, “Keep texting and driving, asshole.”

A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.

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Directions to the Post Office

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies
room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blo...

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Why was hitler bad with directions?

Because three reichs don't make a left.

So I asked the cow for directions...

I got steered in the wrong direction.

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Never ask a Nazi for directions

They'll always say the Third Reich is the best way to go

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

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Why is it not wise to ask the homosexuals for directions?

They'll never tell you when you need to go straight...

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

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The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple. They just took the third reicht...

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW]

He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows"

A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival...

It's just ahead.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

Why don't you ask a suicide bomber for directions?

He'll make you go everywhere but where you want to go.

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

Van Gogh was never good at following directions.

Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

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My dad said he unscrambled a word out of the directions on his compass.

That's news.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that h...

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend

So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .

They gave me their baby.

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

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A young man is touring Harvard campus and decides to ask for directions on how to get to the library.

He finds a girl reading a book under a tree and says "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library's at?" She cringes and says "You should never end a sentence with a preposition." The young man look confused for a second and replies, "I'm sorry - can you tell me where the library's at... bitch?"

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

(from my 8 year old) What do you call a Mexican chicken giving directions?

Arrows con Pollo

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions..

she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?"

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

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